I’m angry, but I still love you
Glancing up from the almost drained drink in your hand you watched as your best friend, Emily, threw her head back in laughter after narrowly tripping over the in table. She’d been like this the entire night, you losing track of the number of drinks she consumed after she nearly bit your head off after you tried to cut her off.
"It’s nice out here isn’t it?"
Focusing your attention on the man in front of you, you quickly nodded before giving him a smile.
Truth was, it wasn’t really.
It was New Years Eve in Manhattan, which meant you were freezing your ass off at party with people you didn’t really want to welcome the year in with. In fact, the only person you liked was Emily and you weren’t really her biggest fan at the moment.
For months the plan had been to take off work and spend New Years with Kit and his friends in LA, but after things were broken off all of your mutual plans fell through. He cleaned his things out of your loft, not bothering to talk to you since.
Maybe it had to do with the fact you threw a box of his clothes out of your window on the tenth floor, or told him not to call you but still…he actually never called. You’d think by now guys would figure out that you actually meant for them to call when you say that.
"So you’re here by yourself?" Greg asked, or was it John?
Either way you weren’t sure, and were too irritated and drunk to try and figure it out.
"Yeah," stopping to finish your fifth drink, you held up the empty glass as evidence. "Need a refill."
"Alright" he called after you as you grabbed your bag before starting across the roof. "I’ll be here."
Barely stopping to sit your glass on the refreshment table, you head to the door before starting down the steps.
You knew you should’ve stopped to say bye to Emily but the truth was you needed to get out of there, and as far away from your apartment before the stroke of midnight.
It was just a year ago that you stood atop of that same roof, trying to get your hand back from everyone around you long enough to look at the newly placed ring upon it.
Memories from that night came rushing back as you made your way down the steps, your mind not seeming to process that you were twenty four flights above the lobby. The party full of all your friends and family, the feeble lie you accepted from your mom thinking she really just wanted to spend New Years with her only daughter, and the too quick yet eagerly accepted marriage proposal that followed.
The next months that followed seemed to be filled with two people you didn’t even recognize. You and Kit turned into two people who almost seemed to resent just the sight of each other. He pushed you away for trying to take his proposal as the “go ahead” to move the relationship further, and you for the time he spent with his costar Alyssa. In the end, your engagement only lasted four months before you called it off.
To say you were actually still hung up on him might be a little exaggerative, just a little. It wasn’t like you still cried yourself to sleep at night because you oddly missed him, no that had stopped months ago. But you still did find yourself wondering where you two went wrong, occasionally as you watched a couple pass you on the street or sitting across from you in Starbucks.
Of course you’d gone dating, mainly to pass the time or to get Emily and your mom off your back but there was always that void deep inside. And that bothered you the most.
But it only seemed to bother you the most tonight, the inability to get it out of your head was about to drive you insane. Which is why you found yourself doing a double take as you went to cross the street.
He was standing across the street, having just stepped out of Starbucks, with two coffees in his hands. He was shifting his weight in an attempt to stay warm as he waited for the light change. It’s obvious he doesn’t see you which is why you have no problem denying your need for caffeine and heading back to the apartment building.
The only thing that can seem to flow through your mind is “no, no, no, no.”
Forcing yourself to remain calm, you sped up your pace as you let out a groan as your crosswalk signal switched preventing you from crossing. The sudden change in the signal, added to your body’s lack of sobriety led to nearly falling off of the curb.
Feeling a hand catch your arm before pulling your body upright, you wince knowing exactly who it is by the sensations spreading across your skin.
"Hey-You okay?" Kit chuckled as you maintained your balance before quickly slipping out of his grip.
"Yeah I’m fine. Thanks."
Not even stopping to look at him you start on your way, catching his intake of breath before feeling him move to match your pace.
"And here I was thinking ‘she can’t possibly be avoiding me’" he sighed glancing over at you with that stupid smile on his face.
"I’m just trying to get home" you huff causing it to only grow bigger.
"Without your coffee?"
Glancing over at him you took in the cup he offered you, rolling your eyes as he managed to get in front of you causing you to bump into his chest.
"I’m fine thanks."
"Really?" He asked shooting you a skeptical look before rolling his neck as you stepped around him. “It’s your favorite, besides it looked like you were heading that way.”
Instead of responding you started back the way you came, Kit only having to take two steps to catch up with the five you’d already taken. Once he’d reached your side he didn’t say anything, instead he kept his gaze forward. You both walked in silence for nearly a block, it wasn’t until you made the motion to cross the street that he spoke.
“If you don’t want coffee, we can go grab a couple of drinks.”
Glancing over at him, you watched as a smile slid across his face before he rolled his neck.
"Fine, you don’t need anymore drinks" he continued. "Will you at least talk to me? It’s rude to force me to have a one sided conversation."
"Come on, I was on my way to see you" he offered up as if that made the situation better.
"And why is that exactly?" You ask, the fact you stopped abruptly making him backtrack his steps to face you.
For once he didn’t have anything to say.
Instead he adverted his gaze before glancing at the cups in his hands. Rolling your eyes you reach forward, taking one from him before repeating the question.
"I don’t really know" he sighed before starting forward. "I was headed home."
"Home? You still live here?"
The question had meant to be kept to yourself, but not knowing would’ve been much worse then him thinking you were curious about him.
Wincing he focused on drinking his coffee before running his fingers through his hair.
"How long have you been back?" You ask, this time the tone of your voice making him answer.
The last time you’d seen Kit was the day the relationship ended. He’d moved to New York to be with you, which led to the assumption he’d moved back to LA when everything was said and done.
"A few weeks" he sighed.
"You’ve been back for weeks and didn’t tell me?"
"I didn’t want you to get mad at me-"
"Too late."
Catching your arm he quickly stopped you from trying to get away from him, not letting go despite your attempt to slip away from him.
"You don’t want to talk to me" he replied ignoring your hand that was pushing against his grip. "Just let me get you home okay? You still can’t hold your liquor."
Not waiting for an answer, he took the drink from your hand tossed it in the nearby trashcan before pulling you forward. To his surprise there was no resistance. You didn’t even stop to wonder why, because you already knew the reason.
You’d spent countless nights, imaging what would happen if you two ever crossed paths again. No matter the circumstances you knew it would result in you wanting him back.
Loosening his grip around your hand, he opted for wrapping his arm around your shoulder once you attempted to wiggle your hand free for the tenth time.
"I was coming to wish you a good new year" he admitted after a moment of silence.
"Don’t you have a cell phone?"
"I wanted to see you" he backtracked. “Besides, we both know you wouldn’t answer if I called.”
Not responding you kept your arms wrapped tightly around your chest. You didn’t want to give away the fact that the moment he’d wrapped his arms around you, you had the instinct to do the same to him. More and likely you wouldn’t have answered if he called. Although his number had been deleted from your contact list, it had become impossible to erase from your mind. Then you’d spend the rest of your day beating yourself up trying to figure out what exactly he had planned to talk about if you had decided to answer.
"I’m sorry for throwing your things out the window."
When he didn’t respond, you glanced up at him to see a faint smile on his lips. He shook his head before glancing down at you.
“Don’t worry about it” he smiled before letting you go making you suddenly aware of how cold it was out.
Stopping outside the main entrance, Kit waited for you to step inside to follow you.
“Uh…how’s work?”
Leaning forward he pressed the elevator button before resting back into his place beside you.
“It’s good” he replied glancing down at you. “That’s actually one of the reasons why I came back.”
Keeping your eyes on the numbers you watched as it ticked down slowly.
“So what…you’re working on a new movie?”
Nodding he waited until you finally looked back at him to give you a smile. He closed the distance between you, his hands finding your cheeks the warmth suddenly making you feel as though all the alcohol in your system had disappeared.
Stringing together “thanks for getting me home” seemed like the most difficult action as he held your gaze.
"Besides I missed you" was all he said, the touch against your skin pulling your eyes closed.
Keeping them closed you waited for the feeling of his lips against yours, but they never came. Instead they pressed against your forehead. Waiting until the sound of the elevator doors filled the air you turned to step inside.