harlow believed that keeping secrets wasn't always a bad thing to do. sometimes, keeping secrets was the only thing that people could do to protect the ones they love. and that was harlow's intention when it came to her colby secret.
at least initially.
for a few days after colby and harlow spoke, she still believed it was the right decision to keep it a secret in order to protect carter. harlow strongly believed that carter would be upset with the information. though she didn't necessarily think he'd be upset with her for keeping it a secret or even for talking to colby in the first place.
harlow was almost positive that he'd be upset with himself. they'd never outright discussed it, but harlow was pretty sure he was afraid of losing her to colby. carter knew all about their relationship, and he knew how colby had tried to win harlow back after she had started seeing him. he knew then how much colby loved her, and if he were to find out that he still felt the same way about her a year later, he'd be absolutely crushed. he'd be upset because there would be nothing he could do.
there were, obviously, things that carter could do to intimidate colby if he wanted to do so, but he wasn't the type of guy to do that. he was kind, loyal, and extremely gentle.
so harlow had a pretty good feeling that spilling the secret would ultimately hurt carter, or at the very least, it would wound his armor. but the secret was weighing heavily on harlow's chest, especially after colby's confirmation of still wanting to be in her life in whatever way he could be. she felt guilty for even listening to him in the first place. she felt disloyal to the one person who has always been loyal to her.
so although harlow believed that sometimes keeping a secret was the right thing to do, she also believed that it wasn't right for her to keep this secret from carter.
she waited until they were getting ready for bed to tell him because after living with him for months, she knew that he was at his softest when he was tired.
"carter?" harlow called out from their ensuite, opening a drawer to grab a makeup wipe.
there was a beat of silence before carter entered the bathroom, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts, making a noise to let harlow know he heard her.
she managed to pull herself up on the vanity, sitting next to the sink while facing carter. "i need to tell you a secret," she said quietly, watching as he readied his toothbrush.
carter smirked, "did you eat all the popsicles again? because that happens like once a week, it's not a secret at this point, babe. i know it's you."
"once a week is a bit dramatic, don't ya think?"
carter laughed at her words, then grabbed his toothbrush from the stand to start getting ready for bed. "even if it's every two weeks, it's still like twenty-five popsicles."
harlow pouted, "it's just flavored ice. how bad can it be for you?"
"and lots of sugar too," carter replied with a raised eyebrow.
"well that explains why i'm such a treat to have around," harlow replied with a wink.
carter rolled his eyes very dramatically, tacking on a groan for effect. "that was terrible, h. not punny at all."
harlow continued to remove her makeup from where she was sitting, watching her boyfriend as he brushed his teeth. their night routines only lined up a few days a week, with carter taking the occasional night shift and harlow's night classes that sometimes led into later-night study sessions. she loved being with him all the time, but there was something special about getting ready for bed together. it was so simple but filled her with so much love at the same time.
"you love me and my puns, don't lie." carter shrugged in response, not removing the toothbrush from his mouth to speak. "it's kind of a serious secret," harlow stated seriously, rerouting the conversation to her original intention. the playful tone from before was no longer in her voice when she spoke.
harlow waited patiently while carter finished brushing his teeth. after he placed his toothbrush back in the holder he turned to face harlow. before she even had a chance to speak again, he was positioned between her legs and was wrapping his arms around her tightly to lift her up.
"i have legs, y'know," harlow giggled, even though she wrapped her legs around him anyway, loving being close to him.
carter managed to turn off the lights before gently dropping her on the bed, climbing over her to his sleeping side. "i know," he replied matter-of-factly, "just sounded like you needed a hug,"
"i do love hugs," harlow agreed, rolling on her side to face carter as she spoke. even though it was dark in the room, harlow could make out his features because of how close she was to him.
carter mimicked harlow's action, propping himself up with his hand. "alright, what's your super serious secret?"
"promise you won't be mad at me for not telling you sooner?"
carter laughed lightly, "you already know what i'm gonna say,"
"say it anyway," harlow insisted, "i need to hear it."
if carter was at all worried about harlow's secret, he didn't show it on his face at all. instead, he rolled his eyes jokingly and leaned forward to press a kiss to harlow's temple, then flopped on his back, looking at the ceiling as he spoke, "i could never, ever, be mad at you."
"promise?"
"swear."
harlow thought momentarily about explaining the entire story from beginning to end, but she was so tired of carrying around colby's words, so rather than beating around the bush, she quietly stated, "colby still has feelings for me."
her eyes were well-adjusted to the darkness, allowing her to see colby's stone-faced expression. he was terribly good at hiding his emotions behind a straight-faced mask, and usually, it didn't bother harlow. but usually, carter wasn't hiding his emotions from her. usually, he hid them from other people.
harlow waited patiently, wanting to give carter the right amount of time to fully take in her words. but with each second that ticked by harlow became more and more anxious with his silence. it went from her thinking he was probably trying to think of the right thing to say, to her thinking he was angry with her, even though minutes before he swore he wouldn't be.
carter grumbled a bit, then rubbed his face stressfully with his hands. "he told you that?" he finally asked, eyes still locked on the ceiling.
"more or less, yeah," she replied as casually as she could. it was a strange conversation to be having, and harlow thought that making it seem like it didn't affect her might make carter feel better about the bomb.
carter's mask fell, his eyebrows knitting together in annoyance. "not more or less, harls. i need to know what he told you."
even though carter had promised he wouldn't be angry with harlow, she could hear it in his voice. it was a huge secret that she kept from him, and the casual approach she was trying out only seemed to add fuel to his anger.
harlow mimicked carter's earlier action, lying flat on her back to gaze at the incredibly boring ceiling. but it was better than looking at carter and seeing the betrayal and confusion now written in his features.
"are you sure?" she asked, "i don't want you to get more upset. i just-"
"i need to know what he said to you, harlow." carter stated, his voice plain.
"alright," she replied with her hands twisted together on her stomach. "it was the night after elton's engagement party-"
"that was a month ago," carter cut in a second time. this time, the hurt he was feeling was clearly expressed in his tone. "elton's party was a month ago."
harlow felt deeply ashamed for keeping colby's words a secret for as long as she did. the pain carter seemed to be feeling only added to her reasons for why she felt ashamed.
"yeah, it was," she replied as gently as possible. "i didn't want to worry you about it. it didn't change anything, so i just thought it would be easier if you didn't know. but i feel so guilty about it."
normally, carter would do something to ease the troubles she expressed. he'd say something sweet, or hold her hand tightly, but this time, he didn't do anything. he just continued to stare at the ceiling, his hands balled into tight fists on either side of him.
"i don't remember much from the party. i mean, you remember how drunk i was when you picked me up. but i guess we talked a bit that night, and i guess he told me a bunch of shit, but i was too drunk to even remember being with him the next morning. and the girls didn't know what we talked about, so i called him, but just to know what i said to him, i swear. that's when he told me how much he missed me, and how he missed loving me in front of everyone," harlow paused to glance over at carter, who now had his eyes shut tightly, "i told him i didn't miss him though. i told him i had you."
"you don't remember talking to him at the party?" he asked incredulously.
harlow shrugged from her position on the bed, "not really. i could kind of picture it after i talked to him about it, but i don't actually remember anything."
"so how do you know he didn't take advantage of you, harlow?"
she wasn't sure why, but his words cut through her like a knife. "he wouldn't," she replied simply, not knowing how else to explain her gut feeling.
"but you don't know that, because you don't fucking remember it!"
harlow rolled on her side, curling in on herself. "i don't remember it, but i know colby wouldn't do that, carter. don't be ridiculous."
carter laughed, genuinely laughed at harlow's words. "oh, i'm ridiculous. me? you're the one that got blackout drunk at a party with your ex, and then lied to me about it for a month."
his words were harsh, but that didn't make them any less true. she was the one in the wrong.
"i didn't tell you because it was just easier that way, okay? that way you didn't have to worry about it, because nothing happened and nothing's going to happen."
"fuck, harlow," carter cursed, making her flinch. he must've have noticed out of the corner of his eye though because he reached his hand out to hold hers in response. "m'sorry. i'm not mad at you, but i think i am mad? fuck, i wish you would've told me sooner."
harlow nodded along, pulling their intertwined hands together to rest on her stomach. "no, i'm sorry. i should have told you right after i got off the phone with him."
carter let out an airy laugh, "yeah, maybe."
"can i tell you something else, too?" she asked hesitantly. now that she was getting things off her chest, she didn't want to leave out anything. that meant confessing to seeing him only a few days earlier.
"that's probably a good idea," he replied sarcastically. despite his promise of not being mad at her, it really did feel like he was.
she swallowed the feeling, just wanting to get everything out in the open. "when i went to tara's a few days ago, he was there with jake and sam. when i left, he followed me out to my car and asked to talk to me. probably because i ignored him for the whole month after devyn's party. he apologized, kind of? well, he apologized for how he said it but not for what he said. and he asked me to be his friend again."
as harlow spoke she managed to maneuver herself so she was lying with her head on carter's chest with his arm wrapped around her. he didn't fight her on it, but his arm around her was pretty limp. but being physically close to him during her confession helped ease her anxiety about keeping the secret for so long, so she acted selfishly.
"okay."
his words shocked her, out of everything she was expecting to hear him say, 'okay' wasn't on the list. harlow used to hand on his chest to lift her up slightly so she could look at him directly. "what do you mean okay?" she asked gently.
"i don't know what the right thing is to say," carter admitted, "i don't want to say the wrong thing and make you think that i'm mad at you. i don't want to fight. it's a lot of pressure, i guess."
"i'm sorry," harlow repeated, not knowing what else to say to fix what she had done wrong. "i really should have told you sooner."
carter sighed, finally squeezing harlow's body closer to him. "yeah, maybe. but i kind of get why you didn't."
"i know i asked you not to be upset with me, but it almost feels wrong how calmly you're taking this. if you're mad and it would help you to just be mad at me, i totally get it," harlow decided. but despite her words, she was nuzzling closer to carter's chest, hoping that even though she would understand his anger, he wouldn't be angry, at least towards her.
"m'not mad at you, babe," carter reminded her.
"okay, well can you try to tell me something then? i don't mean it in a bitchy way, i just want to know what you're thinking, i guess."
"just give me a minute, yeah?"
harlow nodded, ready to give carter as much time as he needed. it felt only fair after spending an entire month sitting on colby's words. carter could definitely take a few minutes to figure out his shit.
while she waited, she focused on listening to carter's heartbeat beneath her and the weight of his arm around her. it made her feel grounded, and it acted as a reminder that even though she had kept a horrible secret, he was still there.
"i feel kind of stupid, honestly," carter finally said after a solid two minutes of silence.
now it was harlow's turn to be confused, "what do you mean?"
"i mean, what did i expect?" he replied without missing a beat, "when we started hanging out, you two had just broken up and he even tried to get you back. i should've expected it. i don't know why i didn't. so i just feel stupid for not seeing it."
harlow frowned at carter's words. "you're not stupid, carter. i honestly didn't see it coming, either. i mean, it's been a year, he should be over it by now."
carter took a moment to consider her words. "yeah, i guess you're right," he paused, "did you tell him that?" harlow assumed he tried to hide the desperation in his question, but she could still hear it all the same.
"i did," she replied honestly. "i told him that he shouldn't feel this way still after a year. that he needed to let me go."
it was then that carter chose to let out a large sigh of relief, "thank fucking god,"
"i love you," harlow insisted, "not him. you."
her words were truthful. she didn't love colby, not in the way she loved carter. her feelings for any other guy couldn't compare to what she felt for carter. she felt safe, she felt loved, and she always felt like she was at home with him, even if they weren't at their home.
sure, a year ago she loved colby. she loved him with her whole heart and a bit more. but her love wasn't strong enough for colby to feel like they could last in front of the public's eyes. he felt like she could be easily convinced otherwise.
so although she loved him immensely at the time, it wasn't the same type of feeling she had with carter. because carter wasn't afraid to show her off to the world. she didn't ever feel hidden.
but harlow was beginning to realize that even though she didn't love colby, he still had a place in her heart. she hadn't managed to entirely get rid of him. being around him made her realize that.
she wouldn't admit it out loud - not to carter, not to her friends, not even to herself - but there was a reason why she still listened to music that reminded her of him. there was a reason that she cried when colby opened up about how much he missed her. there was a reason that she felt comfortable with him when she was too drunk to take care of herself.
harlow wasn't entirely sure what the feeling was, but she wasn't in love with colby, that much she knew. because she couldn't be in love with two people at the same time. she just couldn't.
she wouldn't admit it out loud - not to herself, not to her friends, and especially not to carter - but she was happy colby was in elton's wedding party. she was happy because even though she made it clear to colby that she didn't want to be friends, that he had to let her go and move on with his life, the fact was, she felt content in his presence.
she felt drawn to him. from somehow running into him at elton and ginger's party despite actively avoiding him, to seeking out his company when she was drunk. and maybe it was just leftover colby radar from their previous relationship like she had tried to write it off as, but maybe it was more than that.
maybe it was just colby.
despite the thoughts running through her mind, she repeated once again, "i love you,"
only this time she wasn't sure if she was trying to remind carter, or if she was trying to remind herself.
THOUGHTS
there's not a lot of colby/harlow
content in this chapter! but it
just doesn't feel realistic to me
otherwise. i hope you're all still
enjoying this sequel!