"I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are."
Jess C Scott, The Devilin Fey
For a person who is not used to feelings, emotions can be as scary as spiders crawling up in an arachnophobic's body.
I've been scared before. So I know I feel scared now. Extremely scared. But there's more. Is it sadness? Is it hatred towards myself? Is it the feeling of craving a loved one's company?
Who do I love anyway? Maman? Myself? Or is it Akashi Seijuro?
I don't know anymore. But I do know that I don't want Akashi to become what maman plans. A soulless human being, or a breathless body.
I end up walking all the way to the hospital Inoto is admitted in. Her family is here with her. They are with her 24/7. I want to talk to her. Ask her if she thought she was going to die that day. And if she did, how did she feel. How does she feel now? Now that she's away from danger and close to warmth that nourished her fetus-self.
How does it feel to be loved by so many? Does it really make your heart beat fast and stomach flutter? Can it really give you so much strength that reminiscing it will lessen the pain in your saddest moments?
I guess I'll never know.
"Enya?" I turn my head to meet a pair of bloodshot eyes. "You're Enya Nokashi, aren't you?" The elderly man, who I recognize is Inoto's dad, says through gritted teeth.
Fuck.
The last thing I want today is diversion.