[ unedited ]
There's a small space
between holding on
and letting go,
and I believe
it never ends,
for that's where
we lost our love;
and that is just where
I'm losing myself away,
slowly, in pieces,
everyday.
- heer
Nandini
"So, you outright told him that you don't think you can fall in love with him all over again?" My therapist asked.
I gulped as the thoughts of last night filled my head. If I was being honest, that question had taken me completely my surprise. I couldn't bring myself to answer for a long time, and then those words just slipped out.
I regretted it the moment they were out in the air, because I knew I had killed the vibe, and I had. Dinner was silent, with Mia just blabbering about her days like she usually did. Manik was silent except when he replied to her. No, he wasn't angry, he was just.... well, silent.
And I think I could trade anything in the world to listen to his thoughts in that moment. But then he had to go.
He left shortly after dinner on pretext of an important business call, not without tucking his daughter into bed, of course.
He wasn't really an ideal husband, but he always the perfect father.
I wanted to talk to him about what I said, but no words were able to do justice at that moment, and so I let it be. And then he left.
That is how I found myself in my therapist's clinic the next morning. This was my third session with Aryamman, and I had gotten comfortable talking to him earlier than I expected I would.
"I did," I reply sheepishly. He was trying to hold back his smile, but he let the friendly outfront leave to mask a professional straight face.
"And were you being honest?" He asked.
"I... I don't know," I shrug, being honest.
"Okay then," he replied, "Think again. If you could do it all again, right from the first day you met him, knowing the outcome would be the same, would you choose to fall in love with Manik the day you did?"
I take a deep breath, "Here's the thing, Aryamman. I never decided to fall in love with Manik. Right from the day I met him, and got to know the real him, I knew he was different. Trauma changes people, you know? He never showed me, but he was broken from inside. I never believed in the saying that broken people love the hardest until I met him. He had lost so much in life, that it had given him the greatest capacity to love that I've ever seen. Falling in love with him was not a decision at all, it just happened, slowly and dangerously, and long before I realised, my heart was already his."
"And, do you regret that?" He asked me.
"Not for a moment, no," I answer instantly, "No matter what the outcome was, the truth is, I had loved him with all my heart and he loved me with all of his. I can never regret any moment I spent with him."
"Then why wouldn't you want to do it all over again?"
"I don't know," I sigh, biting my lower lip, "It's like... I can't fall in love with him again if I know this is how it will end, to know that all the time, all the laughter, all the memories and all that love ends in a goodbye... it's hard to love someone when the fear of losing them is so high."
"So you have accepted this is the end of you two?" His finger brushed his specs back to his place and I look away, outside the window as the drizzle stops. My eyes roughly glance at the wall clock, and I notice it was time to leave for Mia's school.
"Picture this," I tell him, "Imagine a rubber band, or a stretched elastic, held on two ends by two different people. One one person gives up, and leaves the elastic, and the other one holds on, the one who left gets to walk away, while the one who held on gets hurt. Now, replace that elastic with love. That is a relationship. And I don't know if I and Manik have ended, but what I do know is, he left the elastic a long time ago, and not wanting to be the one who gets hurt, I didn't hold on either."
"So you were afraid of being hurt in love?"
"Maybe," I lick my lips gently, taking a deep breath, "But who isn't? Why would you let yourself intentionally walk into something when you know it's going to hurt?"
He sighs, a small smile on his lips, "Let me tell you this: everyone says love hurts, but that's not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Envy hurts. Goodbyes hurt. Losing the one you love? That hurts. Love doesn't. And here's my theory: you were so scared of being left alone, you were so scared of being said goodbyes, that you left the elastic the moment you realised he was about to leave it. What if you left it before he did? And even if you didn't, being the one that holds on might hurt in the beginning, but it makes you still keep the elastic, and give the person another chance to hold it if you want to. In your case, you both left it. And so, the elastic, it fell somewhere in between the two of you, which is why you feel you can't pick it up anymore, that it is lost somewhere in an abyss, and you're scared that if you try to find it, you'd get lost yourself."
I stare at him for a moment too long, slight tears in my eyes.
Was I scared of goodbyes?
When I close my eyes, the first memory that floats in my head was the ten year old me standing in front of my parent's graves, it was probably their death that had scarred my heart permanently in a way that I'd forever be scared of being the one left behind.
"That's... that's not true," my voice cracks.
"Maybe," he agrees, "Maybe I'm wrong. But if I am right, don't be too heavy on yourself. Real love is always this way, a chaotic mess. Your love was real in your time. And maybe that's enough for the rest of your life. Or maybe the two of you will find your way back to each other some day. Or maybe, you'd fall in love with someone else. But either ways, your love was real when you were both into it. And that's what matters. Real love isn't the one that you have till your last breath or the one that you carry to your grave, you both might never find your way to each other again, but you'd also never be able to let go until you realise that you have in your best, and it was very much real. It was not a mistake. There wasn't a moment you can regret in that journey because everything you did, you did out of love."
"I thought real love always finds a way back," I murmur.
"It's a myth," he corrects me, "You can be in love with someone for just a few days, and never see them again, move on, get married and have a new family, but just because you love someone new, doesn't mean that an old love was not love. If you give your heart to someone even if only for a moment, and want nothing but the best for them, so much that you're willing to hurt yourself to let them be happy, it's real. And you can fall in love a hundred more times after that, each different in intensity, and that love would still be real. Here's where soulmates come in."
"Soulmates?" I giggle under my breath sadly. I used to often ask Manik if I and him were soulmates when we first started dating, and his answer would always be the same– he didn't believe in the idea of soulmates.
"Science doesn't really believe in soulmates," he tells me, "But here's what I think– Soulmate isn't a lover or someone you spend the rest of your life with. That's a myth. Soulmate is someone you connect to, someone you can count on in the darkest nights, someone who'd inspire you to be a better person, someone who's presence makes an ordinary day fun. You may not even know you've met your soulmate, but know this: no matter how much you fight with your soulmate or how far the two of you move, you'd always find your way back to each other. Not necessarily romantically, it could just be platonically. But if you're lucky enough to be in love with your soulmate and be loved by them, even the worst tragedies cannot make the love die, or keep the two of you away."
I stay quiet.
"Did Manik ever make an ordinary day fun for you?" He asked me after a while.
"He was the reason I could even love Mondays," I mumble, looking away.
"Did you look forward to grocery shopping with him?"
"I looked forward to everything with him as long as I get to be with him," I reply again.
"Did you ever believe he was your soulmate?"
I sigh chuckle, "Every minute I spent with him."
"Do you still feel the two of you are soulmates?" He reframed.
I keep quiet for a long time again, "I don't know."
"You will," he replied, "If you find yourself forgiving him, or anyone for that matter, despite how much he hurt you, if you find the two of you crawling back to each other, which could even be when you're seventy, he right there, Nandini, would be your soulmate."
"Do you think Manik is my soulmate?" I look up at him.
A small smile breaks on his lips, "Only time can tell."
✿
The car parks in front of Mia's preschool, and Aryamman hops out like a gentleman to come all the way to open the door for me.
"Thank you for dropping me, seriously," I smile, slightly flustered, as I look up at him.
I had left his clinic only to see a flat tire of my car, and Aryamman, who was also leaving for home, had insisted on getting me to Mia's school. The whole situation was embarrassing, really.
"It's my pleasure," he says. My eyes scan through the crows trying to find my daughter, who was pretty tiny, so I aim to find her father instead.
Today was Father's Day, but being in pre-school, the only celebration was for fathers to come thirty minutes before school ends and have a small drawing/painting activity with their children. Manik was supposed to be there today, although I had forgotten to inform him about this, Mia thankfully had. He'd promised to hold on to Mia after the school ends until I reach, and now I was late... not that I had planned upon being.
"You're late," I hear a very familiar voice behind me and almost jump at my place before turning behind.
"Mom!" Mia shouts as she clung to my feet and I pick her up, as she happily flashes the a coloured plate with hand prints of her and Manik, and his handwriting that said: Mia + Dad = Forever.
I smile and kiss her forehead. I then looked at Manik, who's eyes were distant and taking their time to study Aryamman.
Aryamman, who probably senses that too, looked at me. I gave him an unsure look. I wasn't sure how ready I was for Manik to know that I was seeing a therapist. That man had an unusual habit of blaming himself for things he wasn't responsible for, and I was afraid he'd think this was his fault somehow. Which it was, because that's why Chachi had forced me into this, but I didn't want him to know that, atleast not yet.
"Uh," Aryamman cleated his throat, and then forwarded his hand to Manik, "I'm Aryamman. Just the friend."
Manik nods with a tight smile and firmly takes his hand, shaking it, "Manik Malhotra. The husband."
"Ex-husband, I suppose?" Aryamman looks confused, from me to him.
I press my eyes shut in annoyance.
"Not ex," Manik corrects with a tight, very fake smile, "We aren't divorced. Just separated.. at the moment."
"Oh," Aryamman replies,"Nevermind. It was nice to meet you," he turns to me, "Nandini, can I drop you and Mia home?"
"Where's your car?" Manik interrupts.
"Flat tire," I mumble under my breath.
He rolls his eyes, "You forgot to give it for service... again?"
I nod sheepishly.
"Nandini...." he scold playfully, and then looks towards Aryamman, "It was nice meeting you too, Aryamman. But I think I can drop my daughter and Nandini back home. We'll manage."
It took everything in me to not roll my eyes at him.
Aryamman looks at me unsure. I press my eyes in assurance. He nods, "Okay then! See you soon." He tells me, passing me a smile, and I nod back as he punches Mia's cheeks lovingly, giving Manik a nod before he turns behind, gets into his car, and pulls out from there.
"Chalein?" He looks at me, and raises the keys of his Audi and unlocks the doors, which makes noise behind us.
I glare at him angrily.
He gives no explanation and turns to the car, opening the back seat for Mia and tucking her in, then opening the passenger seat for me and letting me get in before he sat in himself.
I didn't stop glaring at him angrily.
"What?" He looked at me briefly.
"You know what," I whispered.
"No, I don't," he turns back, reversing the car, before driving on, and then looks at me for a brief moment again, "Explain?"
"You were rude to Aryamman," I point out.
"I barely know him," He ridiculed, "Why would I be rude to him?"
"Exactly," I agree, "You barely know him. Why were you rude to him? That's not you."
Manik's behaviour had been bothering me lately. I was worried for him. First, coming to my house yesterday. Not that I minded it, but Manik hadn't come once in these three years, no matter how much he missed his daughter, and yesterday, it was as if he broke a silent oath he took. Secondly, bringing those mix-match flower bouquet. They were beautiful in every sense, but still very unlike him. And now, to be cold to a person he barely knows. Manik was the kindest person when you meet for the first time, and it's always been him to get to know a person before judging them. He didn't judge people on their appearances, and it was highly unlikely of the Manik I knew to be cold to someone without no reason.
Or maybe, I just didn't know Manik anymore.
"He assumed I was your ex-husband?" He said, but it sounded more like a question.
"We don't live together, haven't since three years now, we share a joint custody of Mia, anyone would assume that we are divorced, not 'separated'," I say, mock using the word he had.
"Would it be easier that way for you?" He said, stopping the car outside my house. It was a pretty short ride, barely of a few minutes. I had purposely chosen this pre school for Mia, so that it would be convenient to drop and pick her easily if I was working.
"What way?" I ask. Mia unbuckled her belt, pulls out my headphones from her ear and hands me my phone.
"Bye paapaa, see you tomorrow," She kisses Manik on the cheek from behind.
"Bye bacha, I'll pick you tomorrow," Manik promises as she gets down of the car and runs inside.
I unbuckle my seat belt too.
"What way, Manik?" I repeat my question. He stares ahead at the road, not looking at me, and yet I could see the pain and redness in his eyes.
"Would it be easier for you... if we were divorced?" He asks.
I freeze. I literally go numb, and my mind runs back to the day I found the divorce papers in his wardrobe, the emotions that ran through me then.
I don't even realise how long I become quiet for, just staring outside.
"Do you want me to divorce you, Nandini? If you'd like to move on?" He says, and it felt like he kept the weight of the world on his heart, trying his best not to break down that very moment.
I don't answer back.
I get down from the car, and start walking inside my house without turning back, because I knew if I would, he wouldn't be able to stop from breaking down and neither would I.
I hug my hands close to my chest, wrapping them around me as I take a deep breath, and the tears fall out although I tried for them to not.
I don't know why exactly was I crying.
I and Manik had been separated for too long, and divorce at this point would honestly be just making the separation official.
And yet, hearing the words 'we' and 'divorce' in the same line broke a part of me that I didn't even know existed before today.
They say that one of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to find the power in you to let go of something you once held on to, with all your heart.
I had just confidently told Aryamman that I was not holding on to me and Manik anymore.
But the real question I was facing was:
Was I really ready to let go of us?
I'm addicted,
to the disappearing memory of you,
and forever terrified,
of when it's gone.
This constant chaos
gracefully consumes my mind,
feeding daydreams
and unspoken whispers,
flashing chances
that someday
you'll return.
- perry poetry
✿ ✿ ✿
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