Swiftkit's POV
Goldenshine's and Dusty's whispers slowly began to fade away as I drifted off into sleep.
I was terrified of the night ahead of me. As much as I didn't want to, I knew that I was probably being sent back to the Dark Forest.
I didn't know what I would come back to see. Would Ashfur and Tigerstar be angry with me for running off? Would Thornclaw's dying body still be there?
I had barely been able to contain the guilt and fear I felt when I had found out that Thornclaw was found in the warriors den, severely injured. I, and only a few more cats in ThunderClan, knew what had really happened to him. The rest of the Clan was left completely confused and baffled.
I hadn't dared talk to any of the ThunderClan cats training in the Dark Forest though. I didn't want make the idea of Ashfur attacking and nearly killing Thornclaw seem more real.
It made me realize how much harm that Ashfur has really done to my kin, and for some reason, I hadn't thought anything of it, and still trained with him, as if he didn't kill my mother's sister or threaten other cats.
And he helped Hawkfrost nearly kill Firestar, for StarClan's sake! I realized.
I knew that in my heart that Ashfur was a very, very dangerous cat, and that training with him and Tigerstar probably was not a good idea.
But... the fact that he is a dangerous cat scares me out of wanting to back out of it all...
I was overwhelmed with worry and frustration as the nothingness around me suddenly formed into ground, bushes and trees.
Ashfur and Tigerstar were already there waiting for me.
"Swiftkit!" Ashfur began, his eyes filled with feigned concern. "We missed you yesterday! Where did you go?"
Not being able to contain my anger, I spat at him, "What do you expect me to do when I watch you rip my kin apart?"
When neither Ashfur nor Tigerstar spoke, I sunk my claws into the earth and wailed, "Thornclaw could be dead, and it's all your fault!"
I suddenly felt a pang of guilt as I noticed a flash of deep hurt in Ashfur's eyes. Tigerstar's gaze revealed absolutely nothing.
I suppose that's why he can seem so scary... I realized.
I lowered my head to the ground as Ashfur then spoke, his voice choked up with hurt, "My fault? How dare you accuse me of something like that?"
I narrowed my eyes as Tigerstar then nodded slowly. "Yes, Swiftkit. Why would you put all of this on him?" He murmured, tilting his head with his eyes big.
"What do you mean?" I asked, my voice shaking. "Ashfur, I watched you attack Thornclaw. I don't know who else to blame!"
"'Who else to blame'?" Ashfur repeated, hissing. His eyes then settled on me and then narrowed. It almost seemed like he was trying to hide a smirk. "The perpetrator is clearly you, Swiftkit. I don't understand how you can't see that!" He meowed, seeming genuinely shocked that I would blame him for what had happened.
What?
My mouth dropped open, but no words would come out. My heart began beating at double the speed.
For some reason, I couldn't find anything to say to defend myself. What if this is my fault?
What if there had been something I could've done to stop it?
Before I could say anything, Tigerstar spoke, "Ashfur wouldn't have had to attack him like that if you hadn't gotten Thornclaw so riled up! You started it!"
"But-" I finally choked out.
"But what?" Ashfur hissed. "How can you possibly speak for yourself, Swiftkit, when you've done something so terrible?"
As I began to open my mouth again, Tigerstar cut me off, "It really is okay, Swiftkit. We all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up too much."
I lowered my head to the ground again, suddenly feeling ashamed. As twisted and outrageous as Ashfur and Tigerstar sounded... what if this was my fault? It echoed in my mind over and over and over again.
If more cats in ThunderClan found out that I had watched Thornclaw nearly get killed and do nothing, and found out that I had started the whole conflict that caused him to nearly get killed, they would blame this on me too.
This... this is my fault...
I squinted my eyes tightly as they welled up with emotion. I turned my head away from the two older cats as I tried to calm down. My fault... my fault... I kept thinking as my mind spiraled.
There were a few heartbeats of silence before any cat spoke again. Ashfur finally meowed, "You certainly have been quite the apprentice so far, Swiftkit. You are improving in your battle training, but we have watched you fail at killing a fox for your Clan, and be the cause of one of your Clanmates possibly dying..."
We already know this. Why are you making me feel worse about it? I said to myself, not daring to say it out loud.
"But we see a lot of potential in you, still," Ashfur continued. "The last time you were with us, you told us you were ready to fully take on the training we want to give you here..."
As Ashfur said this, impulsively my mouth opened to interject and tell him that this isn't what I wanted anymore. I was now overwhelmed with shame and doubt, and the last thing that I wanted to do anymore is train in the place where I had gotten my mother's father nearly killed.
The Dark Forest was bringing out the worst in me, I was beginning to realize, and I wasn't sure if it was all as worth it as Tigerstar had made it out to be.
But, as I began to open my mouth, I saw a look in Ashfur's eyes that I had never seen before. It made my fur want to bristle and to sink my body into the ground as lowly as it could go, so that I couldn't see his gaze anymore.
Ashfur's eyes were filled with such a maliciousness, determination and evil that I could barely stand looking at. They almost seemed to be saying, "If you speak up right now, you'll definitely regret it..."
I suddenly felt incredibly trapped.
My eyes widened and I closed my mouth, nodding my head as if gesturing to Ashfur to go on.
And so he did, "So, we are ready to fix you, Swiftkit. Make up for these wrong by training with us and becoming the best warrior that you can be."
I was still filled with uncertainty and fear as Tigerstar went on, "You will be an apprentice very, very soon. There's no way that you can stop now!"
At this statement, all of my worries suddenly went away, and my heart seemed to warm up with excitement. An apprentice!
Tigerstar was right. Soon enough I was going to be an apprentice. I was five moons old. It was almost here...
"You can't possibly want to back out now!" Ashfur meowed, echoing Tigerstar. Suddenly they both sounded very kind and encouraging. I was beginning to fall for it. "You're practically going to be at a warrior's level by the time you're apprenticed!"
When I didn't say anything in response, deep in thought, Ashfur's eyes narrowed and he took a step closer to me.
"You certainly don't want to look like a coward, would you?" He murmured.
My teeth clenched and my ears flicked at the word coward. I would look like a coward if I backed away from training like this...
Giving in to defeat, I sighed and gave Ashfur and Tigerstar a small nod. Immediately, their eyes glowed and big smirks emerged on both of their faces.
"This is certainly something you won't regret..." Tigerstar whispered, still with the ominous smirk on his face.
I was struck by the comment. It was almost as if Tigerstar had watched Goldenshine's and my conversation we had had earlier.
It had lingered in my mind since it happened, and how Goldenshine had told me that she had never truly regretted any of the choices she had made in her life, because they always turned out better in the end.
What...what if that's the case here? I wondered, my mind suddenly running through all that my mother had told me about her whole situation with Breezepelt. It felt good while she was doing it, she had to face some consequences, but wasn't there light at the end...?
I wondered to what extent I was stretching my rationalizations, but I didn't have much time to think about it, as Tigerstar and Ashfur finally wanted to get into some more training.
For the rest of that night, Ashfur proceeded to teach me some more battling moves and techniques.
To my surprise, he was completely gentle and quite patient with me. It almost seemed like what a normal ThunderClan training session would consist of.
Tigerstar popped in and out of our clearing, watching us train every once in a while. When he was there, he would overwhelm me with positive affirmations and compliments. They felt great, I had to admit, considering they were coming from one of the toughest cats ever known.
Also, the more the night went on, the more comfortable I felt.
I began to wonder if I had been overthinking everything that had gone wrong since I had started training in the Dark Forest. What if Tigerstar and Ashfur really were doing this with the best interest of me succeeding and becoming a tough and great warrior? They had taken the time to thoroughly train me tonight, and they were willing to help me right my wrongs...
That night, as crazy as it would seem to some, I fully committed to training in the Dark Forest, and working hard there to become the best warrior that I could be. I didn't know if it was because that night had been so much better than the others, or if some part of me was still terrified of the look I had seen in Ashfur's eyes, to the point that I felt like continuing to train there was what I had to do.
Whatever the reason, I was doing it, and I knew that I couldn't back down now.
As my training session with Ashfur came to an end, and the shadowy forest around me began to fade, I knew that if I was continue to train here, I needed to do a few things.
The more I train here, the more suspicious cats will be of me, I realized. I need to rest more during the day when I can, so that I don't seem so tired and grouchy all of the time. As much as I hate to admit it, Goldenshine and my denmates deserve more respect than they're getting.
I nodded to myself as I made this decision. When I'm not resting, I need to be out playing with the other kits! I may be training to be a tough warrior, but playing with Snowkit, Cherrykit, and Molekit is fun! I can be a normal kit every once in a while, can't I?
Feeling more at ease than I had been in a while, I opened my eyes and found myself back in the nursery, ready to take on the day ahead.