Flashback- February 2019
Billie's POV:
Billie: "I..." I fiddled with my rings because I was scared of where this was going to go.
Q: "I swear if you say that you love me, I will leave this room and you will never see me again. Because I know you Bil! You don't love me!"
That instantly shut me up, this is why I don't do feelings or whatever. Because I always love too hard, and never get the same feelings reciprocated.
He walked to the bathroom of the hotel room we were at, I have a show in like 2 hours. I walked to Finneas' hotel room and opened the door. He could tell just by the look on my face, that something was really wrong. He opened his arms, and I hugged him so tight and I cried. I cried so hard.
I just don't understand, how you can treat someone so good in public, and then the second you're behind closed doors. It's a completely different person because the person that's behind closed doors isn't the person that I love.
I don't even know what love is, I'm 17. I have never been in love; I've just never felt this way so I'm labeling it as love. It's not love. This isn't love. At all.
...
It was after the show, I put all my feelings into that show. I cried during bitches broken hearts, I jumped so fucking hard during copycat. I'm pissed, but I'm also sad as hell.
I was walking back to the tour bus so I could go back to the hotel, of course, there was paparazzi. I was walking fast as hell, so I could get out of the public eye for one fucking second.
Q walked on shortly after, I was sitting in a chair so he couldn't sit by me. He knows he got to me, he knows that he hurt me, but he's not going to change it.
I need to decide what's going to happen, I have the power to send him home. But I don't wanna be the one that hurts him. I'd rather end up hurt, rather than hurting someone.
I've never been one to hurt someone, I'll let them put me through hell before I hurt them. I was scrolling through my phone, I wasn't even paying attention to what I was scrolling through.
Q: "Come sit with me B." He patted the seat next to him.
I hesitated before I made my way over there, I sat down near him. I wasn't sitting right next to him like I usually do.
He scooted closer to me and placed his hand on my thigh, I try not to think about it. Because I know that he doesn't love me, so I shouldn't love him.
Q: "You put on a good show."
Billie: "I try."
He looked at me, he knows that something's wrong. But he's too oblivious to figure out that it's him.
Q: "When we get back to the hotel, I have something to tell you."
Billie: "Just tell me now."
Q shook his head, what if he tells me that he loves me? I would be pissed, but I would also be happy because that's all I ever wanted from him. But if he did tell me, I don't think I would say it back. Yes, I was going to tell him earlier, but he gave me a reason not to tell him.
I was in my thoughts for a majority of the bus ride, I don't understand why my dumbass would 'fall' for someone that treats me like shit. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I make mistakes. But I know for a fact I don't deserve the treatment I'm getting from him.
We pull up to the hotel, and I get off that bus so quickly. Q caught up with me and laced our hands together, I took my hand out of his and crossed my arms.
Q gave me a look.
Billie: "Paparazzi, dumbass."
Q: "What did I do to you?"
I turned around, and I started to snap. But it took everything in me to keep walking, I walked into the elevator and pushed the button up to my floor.
He followed me into the hotel room, I wouldn't lie to you. I don't have the energy to kick him out, and he's oblivious so he's going to be like 'what did I do?'
I need to figure out what I want to do, like I said, I would never be one to hurt him first. He walked out of the bathroom and grabbed both of my hands, he pulled me up gently and bent down so he was at my height.
He gave me a hug, and he wrapped his arms around my lower back. Of course, I hugged him back, he had his rest in the crook of my neck.
Q: "I love you, Bil."
I didn't say it back, I just hugged him tighter. I feel like love isn't shown by words, it's shown by actions. His actions are telling me that he doesn't love me, but his words are telling me something completely different.
End of Flashback.
I was sitting at Finneas' house waiting on him to get here, I wanna talk to him about something. I was going to do it the other night, but I chickened out because I was scared of what he was going to tell me.
I was looking through my Snapchat memories and saw a video that was one year ago today and that made me wanna die and then I remembered that conversation. Seeing that video makes me happy that I'm about to have this conversation with Finneas.
Now you're wondering what I wanna talk to Finneas about, It's about Maddie of course. When she was having a breakdown about our title when she leaves for London, I told her that she wouldn't have to worry about that. I hope you know what I'm hinting at. I would like to marry her.
I talked to Finneas on Tuesday, about the same thing. I mentioned it, but I didn't say that I really wanted to do it. I mentioned the idea to him and he said whether it be in a month, or a few years, Maddie and I are going to end up married.
I've been thinking about it for a fat ass minute because I didn't wanna rush it. And I really wanted to make sure that I wanna do it, and I do. I'm not doing it to secure our relationship or whatever, I'm doing it because I'm ready and I feel like Maddie's ready too.
I heard the door open and Finneas walked in with Peaches, Claudia was editing a video. Today's the 8th, we leave for London on the 10th. I'm not packed, neither is Maddie. We're there for 5 days, I'm just not prepared.
Finneas: "So what do you wanna talk about?" He sat down on the couch by me.
Billie: "Maddie." I smiled.
Finneas: "You've made your decision about marrying her?"
Billie: "I mean there was no decision to be made, like I know I wanna marry her. No matter when it is, but I have made my decision. I do wanna marry her obviously."
Finneas: "When are you gonna do it?"
Billie: "If I do go through with it, it would be after tour and after London. The wedding would be after everything, but I would propose before she left for London for good."
Finneas: "Cute, how would you do it?"
Billie: "I haven't thought of it, but you think I should do it?'
Finneas: "Of course, why wouldn't I?"
Billie: "We're young as hell."
Finneas: "Who's forcing you to wait?"
Billie: "Nobody, I'm saying it from Maddie's perspective. She always says that we're young as fuck. She pretty much just says that when she's missing out on opportunities."
Finneas: "Don't doubt it for a second, physically you're both young. But mentally, she's not young. She's been through it, she's not going to openly tell you that she's ready to settle down because that's pressuring you to do something about it. But Maddie's ready, hands down."
Billie: "I should do it huh?"
Finneas: "That smile on your face says you should."
Billie: "I don't know how I'mma do it, I don't know when I'mma do it. But I'mma do it." I smiled.
Finneas: "Claudia and I will be here to support you all the way there."
Claudia: "Claudia will do what?" She walked out of the room.
Finneas: "Bil wants to propose to Maddie."
Claudia: "Aww cute." She said in a baby voice.
Billie: "You think Maddie will say yes?"
Claudia: "100%" She smiled.
Billie: "What do you know?"
Claudia: "Nothing, I just got done talking to her."
Billie: "What's she doing?"
Claudia: "Still editing that fucking video."
Billie: "Dude I shit you not, she sits at the island for hours on end. I don't know why it's taking her so long to edit that video."
Claudia: "She got a lot of footage, and she wants the video to be perfect since she did something really drastic. But a good drastic."
Billie: "The second I got in the car she basically stopped filming, she told me that I make her nervous."
Claudia: "She told me that."
Billie: "You're really her best friend."
Claudia: "I know, I'm glad that I can have that title with her. She deserves a good friend, I mean not to eat my own ass or anything."
Billie: "Nah, you're a really good friend, and I'm happy that she has you as a friend."
My phone dinged.
Via Instagram Stories: this will not become a thing, i hated this.
madisonvoyage
your laptop is off, ik you're watching criminal minds.
come edit for me🥺
i'll be home soon shorty.
okay, i love you.
i love you too.
Claudia: "She likes her video, like the concept. But she doesn't like now much footage she got."
Billie: "I mean it's better to have too much than not enough." I shrugged my shoulders.
Claudia: "You should go help her."
Billie: "No, I'mma go buy her flowers and her favorite candy and then I'mma let her do it herself." I stood up and walked over to Claudia and gave her a hug, same thing with Finneas.
Claudia: "Aww cute."
I made it to my car, and I called Maddie.
FaceTiming Shorty❤️:
Maddie: "Hiiii."
Billie: "I'm leaving Finneas' do you need anything?"
Maddie: "An editor and a hug."
Billie: "I'll be back soon, do you want lunch?"
Maddie: "I already ate, but thank you."
Billie: "I love you, bye."
Maddie: "I love you too, babygirl."
Call Ended.
I'm really fucking happy right now, I'm happy with my career, my relationship. Overall I'm just really happy, I feel like Maddie's also happy. She's been happy and I feel like she's learned how to maintain her happiness, I know she's not having a fun time editing this video. But she'll get through it, and she looks so fire, so it'll all payout.
I pulled up to a Walgreens, they always have nice ass flowers for no reason at all. I was taking my time, picking out the best flowers for the best girl. I found some, and then I made my way to the candy aisle. I found her candy, and I paid for it.
It didn't take me long to get back to her house, I opened the garage. And made my way into her house.
Billie: "Shorty!" I sang as I walked farther into her house.
Maddie: "I'm on the couch."
I looked over at the couch and I saw the back of her head, she didn't look at me. I walked over to her and held the flowers and candy out beside her, she looked at the flowers first.
Maddie: "Aww, thank you babygirl. I appreciate you."
Billie: "You're welcome, I wanted to make you feel better." I said in a baby voice.
Maddie: "You made me feel better, and I'm like 80% done with the video."
Billie: "You're that far?"
Maddie: "Yeah, why?"
Billie: "You had me thinking that you were nowhere near done."
Maddie: "You didn't let me finish."
Billie: Oh?"
Maddie: "I didn't film an outro, and I need to take a thumbnail."
Billie: "You got time, today's the 8th?" I looked at my phone. "Yeah today's the 8th, the video doesn't go up until the 10th."
Maddie: "We leave for London on the 10th, I'm not packed. I know you're not either, I just have too much shit to do and not enough time to do it."
Billie: "I'll help you, what do you want help with?" I sat down on the couch by her.
Maddie: "Cuddle?"
Billie: "You're complaining about not having enough time, and now you wanna cuddle and waste more time."
Maddie: "Cuddling is not a waste of time."
Billie: "You got 10 minutes." I moved over to the wider part of the couch, and she followed. She rested her head on my shoulder and rested her arm over me, I had my arm wrapped around her. Normally when we're in this position I would be able to run my hand through her hair. But she cut that shit off.
Billie: "Are you happy now?"
Maddie: "Yeah." She looked up at me, I moved down slightly and placed a kiss on her lips.
Billie: "I love you."
Maddie: "I love you too."
----------------------
tee hee.
i wrote that flashback SOO long ago, the one year anniversary of this whole series is coming up. i wanna do something for it, but like i don't wanna fuck it up either.
some of y'all really have been putting up with my shit for a whole year😂
the one year anniversary of this is also my birthday 😌
thanks ily lots.
words: 2321.