In Mourning - PRESENT DAY
(SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2016)
"Amazing grace. How sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me..."
Kylin's Thoughts
If looks could kill, I would be dead a million times over.
Only a handful of the mourners knew me or knew of me, yet the frost generated by their jeering eyes pierced my thick skin like an icy breeze. The accusations laid on me by their glares sent a chill down my spine that straight through me. But honestly, what could I do? I'm still not sure what possessed me to agree to this mess in the first place.
Yes, it's true.
For a moment, I was caught up in this overwhelming desire to help someone who was in dire need. And of course, like a fool, I got sucked into her plight. I have come to acknowledge that my entire life has been plagued by my inability to just say one simple word. I can't figure out for the life of me why in the world I have such a hard time telling people NO? Even though I was sure I had made the biggest mistake of my life when I messed up by accidentally allowing someone to access all of my hard-earned savings, this situation I have found myself in is far more complicated than that. Now, that I'm right smack in the middle of this mess, my eyes have opened to the severity of the hell I have created for myself.
Why in the world didn't I just walk away and say no to the whole sorted affair the instant it was first proposed? The more pain that was heaped on me, the more I wished I had run far away from the choice I'd made.
I'm not a savior.
I can barely fix my own problems and stay on top of praying for my own misguided self.
And here I am like a fool trying to save someone else's soul.
The more I think about it, I'm convinced I agreed to something I never should have.
Even though my thoughts are consumed with my current state, I am eternally grateful for the exact moment when I felt the weight of the visitors' brooding glares shifting away from me. In the very instant that a noticeable pressure receded stopping on a dime, I no longer sensed the mountains of unsubstantiated accusations being hurled in my direction. I finally found myself able to exhale the breath I was too scared to let slip across my lips which had been drawn in so tightly, they would turn into a thin line if I continued to press them so close together.
Left feeling stripped down for the first time since I took a seat next to their leader, an overwhelming peace reminded me that I must remain patient.
No matter what happens, I'm pretty sure I can't stomach their accusations much longer, though.
♡♡♡
GOODBYES
The traditional hymns succeeded in redirecting everyone's focus back to the reason they were all in attendance. It was as if a holy presence descended from the heavens with instructions to soothe the congregation of mourners as the voice of an angel washed over the building. Thankfully, that was powerful enough to fill the space with hope and promise.
Her patient's frequent claims once insisted on the curative properties of music. Those beliefs were proven on that day. As with many other things in her life, the deceased woman had already prepared for the chaotic mess that was destined to trickle down to those whom she loved and trusted most.
By insisting that these melodious tunes would act as a balm against pain and suffering for those attending the funeral, the once terminally ill woman had managed to reach out from the unknown to place the minds of her family and friends at ease.
Her spiritual family believed in her because of the selfless manner in which she shared her love for them. That love drew cherished ones close to her heart as it secured their loyalty to her even after she was gone.
Despite all that appeared to be out of place concerning the minister, his now-deceased wife, and her nurse, that same love-loyalty supplied the fuel that her spiritual family needed to question how the stranger became so close to their leader.
Were it not for her understanding of what the congregation needed in a time of profound loss, she would never have been able to construct her own funeral in such a way that it aided in the restoration of serenity for the members attending her going away service.
As the mourners reflected on all the minister's wife had invested in the church and its congregation, a measure of peaceful repose filled the chapel.
With many of the grief-stricken souls so desperately considering their own salvation, each face focused on the image before them as it commanded their attention through their tear-strained eyes. It was impossible for a single word to be spoken at such a heart-wrenching hour. That was the very reason many of those broken by the occasion elected to fix their eyes on the smiling face that was gracefully lingering on the picture.
It was a vision of her the way she wanted them to remember her.
With rivers of raven black hair streaming around a cherub-like face down her shoulders and onto her back, the delicate creamy rose-pink porcelain skin highlighted her beauty to perfection. All who knew her recalled her vibrant warm spirit as fear hovered close to the idea that there would never be another person capable of taking her place. An effervescent coral-pink smile eagerly greeted those she had once humbly served. Liquid silver-gray eyes eerily pierced into the crowd boring into the very souls of each and every individual on the pews.
Memories cut deep reminding them of the alluring woman who encompassed a repentant self-sacrificing spirit with a most bedazzling smile.
But...
...she was now gone forever.
A life-sized picture was all that was left of her as it stood before the crowd.
It was the way she specifically requested that her loved ones be allowed to part with her on that faithful day.
The vision of who she was, not what she had become, was one of Ruthanne's requests. Because her family members loved her so much, they were bound to honor that request as well as the one in which she stipulated that her designee was appointed to create the environment exactly as she had specified.
♡♡♡
Kylin's Thoughts
Locking eyes with the picture reminded me of the day she peered deep into my soul and pleaded with me for help. Reflecting on the discussions we shared did nothing to change how uncomfortable the moments leading up to her eulogy might feel.
I remember the day the pale withered soul secured my promise. Ruthanne smiled on that day and reassured me it would all be okay, or at least, that's what she said.
In the moment, it was more difficult to accept that her beliefs were right.
I hope and pray my world doesn't come crashing down around me as a result of my previous inability to walk away.
NOW, all I can do is pray that everything will work out for the best.
So far, speculation and suspicion are the only rewards I've received for my sacrifice. Even though this wasn't my idea, I've found myself being accused of the most heinous acts.
Never in my life had anyone questioned my integrity or my motives, but lately, those seem to be routine conversation pieces.
I know these people are hurting from the horribly brutal outcome of her terminal illness, but I had nothing to do with that. I simply did my job. I cared for her. I showed her all the compassion, devotion, and understanding required of a person in my position.
Even the process of preparing her for a day like today was so overwhelming, and yet. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's just too much for the average person to handle the steps in a way that would do her justice.
Despite the emotional pain associated with preparing the dead, I still made sure I considered her desires even as the church members unjustly made accusations against my character.
With their misguided beliefs that I did something unseemly to my friend, I found myself at a loss for the proper words to address the speculations that had circulated for the better part of seventeen months.
♡♡♡
BACKBITING
Pretty much everyone in attendance found it difficult to comprehend why their leader's wife would request that a strange woman take the seat on the front pew beside their minister.
Their eyes screamed condemnation. How dare a total stranger take a seat in the section exclusively reserved for family.
Whispering loud enough to be heard was their way of addressing exactly how they felt about the interloper.
Grumbling that they found it odd that he was torn to shreds with tears rolling from his eyes over his newly departed wife, yet he already had someone by his side. To them, it made no sense to witness a young black woman so close to the minister.
It wasn't until the priest began the service that their minds eventually migrated from the scene playing out in front of them to the true purpose for everyone who was packed inside the church.
It wasn't about anyone except for the loss of the minister's wife. Thankfully, they were soon lost in the service and their sense of grief.
Unfortunately for him, as Minister Yates was wholly entrenched in his misery, he was rendered completely blind to the handful of hypocritical observers analyzing the scene with malice deeply carved into their judgmental faces.
A mask reflecting the most wicked intentions provided a brief glimpse into their unforgiving souls. Their eyes conveyed the flames of hell's fire as the group of 'holier than thou' scoured the minister along with his guest.
The cold dead weight of hearts filled with anything except Christian charity, love, forgiveness, or understanding drowned the place in a black presence as they secretly plotted the widower's demise.
Those Pharisees lay in wait for the perfect moment to strike as the priest officiated over the service.
♡♡♡
Kylin's Thoughts
A silent prayer left my lips as a foreign voice screamed out to me. I turned in my seat to identify its source when my eyes landed on the clique of vipers.
The instant my prayer was spoken, a voice screamed out.
"Wolves in sheep's clothing are prepared to overthrow him for a perceived injustice."
I heard the words as if someone had loudly blared a speaker in my ear.
"Please Lord, touch the heart of these cruel beings and allow him a little more time to get through the service," I prayed.
♡♡♡
THE SERMON
"Brothers and sisters. We have gathered here today to bid our sister, Ruthanne Yates, farewell. It is not our intention to say goodbye. No... no. Because we trust in the Lord Our God, we are assured that if we pick up our cross and follow His Son will we not meet again in the place that Jesus Christ went away to prepare for us?" The priest's words held the attention of the attendees long enough to ease their disturbed conscience.
His words effectively redirected the attention of the onlookers away from the outsider. With the passing of time, the crowd was more concerned about their afterlife and less focused on the stark contradiction sitting right in front of them.
A gentle breeze flowed through as if a lighter spirit washed over the room. A renewed sense of trust and understanding pushed out the heavy stale weight of misguided theories, half-baked conspiracies, and rumors.
The priest's sermon explained that death was merely a part of life all must face. He went on to state that it was how each person lived their life that determined what awaited them in the next phase.
The church overflowed with accepting hearts and minds, of course, except for the hardened few. As the sermon drew the focus back to the steps necessary to unlock the door to the kingdom of heaven, the priest taught what was necessary to be with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
His message was strong enough that most souls were no longer concerned with their minister or the stranger.
It was impossible for the people to think of anything more than the gift they had once received in the form of Ruthanne. No sweeter person existed in their world to rival the kindness and genuine love each person found in the woman who once stood by Minister Rhys Yates.
It was a shame that many of them would never fully comprehend the depths of the love she held for her husband. Ruthanne was so concerned about Minister Yates, that she reached out to a stranger and prepared to sacrifice whatever uncertainty she had about life after she was no longer around in an attempt to heal those who would be left once she was gone.
♡♡♡
Kylin's Thoughts
If it weren't for my unselfish nature, I never would've positioned myself to be the bad guy nor would I have walked blindly into the hateful scowls that threatened to tear me asunder.
I was the one who watched as she cried herself dry. Eventually, I was the one who agreed with what she had in mind. I had no idea of the consequences when I accepted her requests by speaking five little words.
"Of course, I'll help you."
♡♡♡
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