I.
Pranpriya didn't believe in love, didn't know it was real. She never seen it, never knew it nor felt it. She thought it was a fantasy, a fiction created by desperate minds to persuade themselves that there was still something that was worth living for in this chaotic world.
For Pranpriya, love was something that she cannot give nor accept.
But love suddenly had its own ways to crept up into her, unseen, so slowly, carefully and delicately. It radiated warmth into her toes, up to her belly, heart and head until it consumed her entire being.
She discovered that love was a savior, a sanctuary, a she, and it was named Jennie.
But not everything about love was beautiful, because she also discovered that love was a risk, a deception, a thing that can make her fly and let her fall down into the ground, breaking her into pieces.
Love offered happiness, but with it, comes the pain and tears.
As the years passed, when the ghosts of her past were already turned into ashes and locked away from her mind, Lalisa discovered that there was more to love than Jennie.
She discovered that love can be safe, and calm, and secure. Love broke her heart but love also healed her damaged soul. She discovered that love can be patient, and kind, and love can also be found in the soft eyes of her lover, Chaeyoung.
But what she didn't realize, that even when love broke and betrayed her, love still stayed deep within her, waiting to rise again and consume her.
Because as Lalisa stared across the field, searching for a familiar feline eyes, she knew exactly right then, that love was there and it never really go away.
So she tried to ran into her, to cry, and to embrace her. But Chaeyoung suddenly whispered something into her ears that made her gaze to shift. It was only for only a beat, but when she looked back again at the far distance, Jennie was already gone.
"Are you okay?" Chaeyoung asked, touching her with gentle hands.
Lalisa nodded as she looked at her and forced out a smile, hoping that her lover won't see her breaking heart.
II.
It was autumn when it happened again.
Their daughters turned thirteen then, both were too old to be carried in their arms but too young to be left alone.
She remembered how the wind touched her skin, how the leaves slowly fell into the ground, how the sunset made her children's eyes glow, and how Chaeyoung almost squealed in surprised when she saw a familiar face in the crowd.
"Jisoo?"
Kim Jisoo never aged. Her face was the same as it was all those years ago. Young, beautiful, and warm. She came with her lovely daughter who gave each of them a beautiful smile and a kiss on the cheeks.
They all laughed and talked for a little while, filling up the gaps of the years that had passed. They didn't mention anything about the academy though nor about the kids that they saved, it was a topic that was close to their hearts and yet a nightmare to their minds.
"Let's have dinner. Are you free tonight?" Chaeyoung asked, just as when they were about to leave.
Jisoo had a hesitant look on her face and for a moment, Lisa thought that she would decline, but Chaeyoung was convincing and their daughters pleaded with their lovely eyes.
So with a smile that didn't quite reached her eyes, Jisoo replied, "Alright. We'll meet you tonight."
III.
They met that night at six, on a small restaurant near the beach while the sky turned into dark shades of blue and pink, a mixture that made up the mesmerizing colors of the setting sun.
They shared stories as the night sets and their laughter swayed well with the waves, almost a perfect night for the two families who wanted nothing but peace.
But good things always didn't last, because as Jisoo's daughter screamed in delight as she saw a familiar face on the distance, the peaceful night suddenly, almost instantly, turned into trouble.
"Aunt Jennie!"
And as if the world stopped, Lalisa felt her lungs out of air. Suddenly, a loud spluttered was heard followed by a quiet gasped that made Chaeyoung turned towards Lalisa who looked pale with her widened eyes.
"Are you alright?" Chaeyoung asked.
But Lalisa was already too far gone out of her focus to even heard her spoke.
Lalisa felt cold and warm at the same time. Her emotions mixed up inside of her, creating a chaos on her mind and drowning her with endless of thoughts that was running around her head. Her gaze locked at the woman who loved and left her. She was standing, living, and breathing. Alive.
Jennie. She didn't know if she whispered the name out loud or if it stayed stuck at her throat. But she didn't care and didn't think. Instead, she stood up so abruptly that caused for the wine on the table to spill, followed by a glass falling down on the floor with a splatter.
Everyone at the table looked at her, her daughters even gasped in worry, but Lalisa didn't realize any of that as she scrambled to her feet and rushed outside without even looking back.
She ran on the sand with her heart pounding on her chest. She didn't know where she would go, she just needed to get out, away from the pain and scars of her past.
IV.
It took some nights before she heard that name out loud again, before she finally found the courage to face it. She stood under the moonlight with the ocean waves meeting and drenching her two tired feet while the cold breeze of the night was embracing her skin.
She let out a shaky breath as her knees weakened that made her sat down on the white sand. Careful footsteps can be heard behind her but she didn't need to look around to know that it was Chaeyoung.
Her lover sat beside her and held her cold trembling hands. "It's her."
Lalisa closed her eyes, feeling the wind that brushed into her skin. She couldn't look at her lover's eyes. She couldn't look and see the pain that she was giving her.
She felt Chaeyoung held her hand a little tighter as if it was the only thing that could make her feel alright. And for a moment, Lalisa only focused herself on their clasped hands, feeling her lover's warm touch.
"It's her. Jennie. The one you've been dreaming of." Chaeyoung didn't even asked. She just told her. A statement. A fact. Not even giving Lalisa a chance to deny, to look for a way out.
Their hands tightened again, but this time it was Lisa who needed to strengthen the grip.
"I hear you call her name almost every night. And sometimes I would cry, thinking that I'm not enough. Sometimes I envy her, she hurt you and yet you still want her to save you."
It was a small tear at first. Alone in Lisa's cheeks. Until suddenly, there were two. Three. And then it came all together in a rush. Not slowing down as it went down from her sad eyes. And soon she was sobbing. And her gaze were blurry. And every thing was suddenly hurting as she repeated the words, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Chaeyoung held her and wrapped her in the comfort of her arms, kissing the top of her head as she told her, "I love you, please remember that."
V.
But Lalisa didn't need to remember, because Chaeyoung's love was always with her. Even in misery, her lover's love stood out. It was simple, real, the love that made you feel at ease and contented. It was not selfish, but it was kind, the one that anyone wanted to cherish. And to Lalisa, it didn't matter if she had a void in her heart, because Chaeyoung's love was enough.
"No."
Lalisa glance at her lover who sat beside her. "What do you mean?"
"No. You cannot hide forever." Chaeyoung stared right into her soul as her warm lips met Lalisa's knuckles. "Meet her tomorrow. She will be waiting for you."
"Chaeng-"
Chaeyoung tightly held her hand. "It's time, Lisa."
And Lalisa knew, even with doubt and fear, that her lover was right.
VI.
It was under the morning sky where dark meets light.
She watched as Jennie bit her pale lips with her arms hidden on the pocket of her old ragged coat. The woman in front of her was a stranger. It was not the Jennie that she knew, but it was something different. Jennie looked mature with the hollowness of her eyes, the innocence of her youth that Lalisa once loved was long gone. There was a scar on her cheek that stretched along her collar down to her chest, as if it was a reminder of her cruel past.
"You're alive." There was a relief in Lalisa's voice as she said those words, but the taste of resentment was still stuck at the end of her tongue. "For years, I've been waiting to find you, wondering if you were still alive or buried six feet under."
Jennie's eyes reminded her of their early days in the academy where everything was cold and dry and gray, and when Jennie was the most lonely child that Lisa had seen.
"I'm here now, Pranpriya. I came back for you." Jennie was trembling and her eyes were crying as she said those words out loud.
Lalisa backed away. Her lips wanted to speak out the questions that had been running on her mind for so long. Why did you leave me Jennie? Why did you break your promise? But instead, the words came out harsh and unforgiving as she said, "Pranpriya doesn't exist anymore."
And then suddenly, as if her knees had given up, Jennie was on the ground, shaking and crying as she repeated the words, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Lalisa wanted to cry with her, to embrace her and protect her, to trace every scars on her skin, to kiss her tears away, never letting go. But instead, she stood still, because she wasn't weak and naive anymore, because she wasn't Pranpriya anymore. So Lalisa looked away at the horizon, ignoring the tears that left her eyes.
"You're too late." She whispered.
And Jennie cried louder.
VII.
Lalisa came home in Chaeyoung's arms who wrapped her in an embrace that washed all her worries away. Her lover didn't ask why her tears won't stop falling, she just held her until the sun hid under the night skies, watching as Lisa let go the pain of her past.
"Whatever your decisions are, I will always be proud of you." Chaeyoung whispered.
That night, Lalisa didn't scream the name Jennie in her dreams. Neither when the next night came nor the nights after that.
VIII.
As autumn ends and the cold wind brushed their skins, Lalisa's nightmares finally stopped. She stopped dreaming about the dark room, empty halls and a particular feline eyes, instead she started dreaming about a future where hope and peace came upon her.
So when the first snow fell on the ground, she gathered her lover and their children outside. She wrapped them in warmth and kissed them each with love, not knowing that from a far distance, Jennie was staring at them with tears in her eyes.
IX.
The flowers bloomed and the trees were green again.
Lalisa clearly remembered that morning. Their home was filled with laughter and music as she watched her daughter swayed with every beat of the song, singing their voices out loud as if they didn't have a care in the world. And it was the most amazing thing that Lisa had witnessed with her own eyes, the innocence of her children, their untainted dreams, and their hope that never died.
It was supposed to be a day to remember, until Jisoo knocked on their door carrying the news that she had decided to moved out of the country to finally start a new life, away from everything that reminded her of the past.
"There's too many memories here. My daughter can't stay and so am I. Neither is Jennie, she's coming with me." Jisoo told her when Chaeyoung leave the room. "Please see her before we leave."
"I have no reason to."
Jisoo sighed and put her hands on top of Lalisa, as if it was telling her the words that she couldn't speak. "Don't let her go."
But Lalisa already looked away. "I already did."
X.
It was crowded, full of people and voices of strangers as they cry and laugh and hug, a welcome and a farewell for their loved ones. It was the scene on Incheon International Airport when Lalisa arrived.
She didn't know what she was doing, she didn't plan it. Maybe it was on impulse or maybe her subconscious was the one who decided for her. But she was there, watching from a far as Jennie laughed at something that Jisoo said. She looked happy and contented as she held the hand of Jisoo's daughter while they walked.
It was a moment that Lalisa didn't want to intrude, so she pressed her car keys on her palm and with one last glance, she started to walk away.
XI.
Seasons change and so was the years.
Time went by so fast that Lalisa sometimes wanted the world to stop from spinning, but it kept moving forward, going on and on and on as it faded and swept the painful memories away from her.
As the years flew, and when the pain and resentment were lost in the way, Chaeyoung thought her how to let go, how to laugh and love.
Time healed her, but time also changed everything. Because one moment she was carrying her daughters in her arms, spinning them around as they created their own little world, and suddenly as if it was a blink of an eye, her daughters were both grown, beautiful, smart and were finally taking a new step in their lives as they marched down on the aisle, wearing their Harvard regalia with a proud smile on their faces.
And Chaeyoung who was more kind, gentle, and exquisite, was crying beside her in awe.
"Mom, don't cry. We're still your little girls."
Lalisa laughed and hugged her little girls, kissing them on the cheeks as she tell them, "I love you. I'm proud of you."
They celebrated the occasion in Hawaii, a gift for their diligent daughters before they enter the adult life. They stayed in that paradise, relishing every moment of pure bliss.
Chaeyoung smiled like never before, her eyes glowed in happiness as they wandered around the island of her dreams.
When they sat on the sand one night, with Chaeyoung leaning her head on her shoulders and the bonfire in front of them, her lover asked, "do you regret any of it?"
Lalisa put a chase kiss on her lover's lips and smiled. "No, never."
They boarded the plane next morning carrying beautiful memories that they will forever cherish. Lalisa took a seat next to the isle, Chaeyoung sat beside the window, asleep, while their daughters were seated behind them, engulfed in their own worlds.
She closed her eyes and held Chaeyoung's arms as the plane started to fly. When she opened them again, she found herself staring at a brunette woman seating two rows in front of them. There was a sense of familiarity in the way the woman wore a dark coat and the way her wavy hair hanged loosely just above her shoulders. And when the woman suddenly stared back at her as if sensing her buried gaze, Lalisa felt her breath hitched.
She didn't know how long they stared at each other eyes, but after some time (and millions of thoughts), the woman withdrew her gaze so casually, never looking back. And Lalisa, who was still shocked, spent the entire time pretending that Jennie wasn't seated two rows away from her.
XII.
The letter came in on the first Monday of February. It was addressed to Chaeyoung and Lalisa Manoban.
When Chaeyoung read it, she laughed until her eyes brought out tears. "We're not even married." She put the letter back down. "I guess people just assumed... since we've been together for over twenty years."
Lalisa shrugged and took a sip of her coffee. Her lips then let out the words that had been stuck in her throat for so long. "Maybe we should do it. Get married."
There was silence, followed by a splatter, and then silence again.
It took a moment before Chaeyoung finally found her voice, and then she was already crying and laughing in Lalisa's arms. "Okay."
They spent the entire day telling their daughters about the news, planning and already arranging the flowers and dresses that they would use. They were so engaged in their own world that they even forgot to open the letter until it was already Friday.
"A wedding invitation." Chaeyoung gasped as she held the letter in her hands.
XIII.
It was a simple wedding on a small church with a mesmerizing view of a New Zealand mountain and a turquoise colored lake. A small number of guests gathered around on a small villa, watching and celebrating as the newly wed dance in a slow waltz.
"I didn't think you guys would made it." A familiar voice spoke behind them that made Lalisa to tighten her grip on her lover's hand.
Chaeyoung, who was always genuinely kind, turned towards the woman with a smile. "Congratulations on your daughter's wedding, Jisoo."
The mother of the bride, who looked a little older than what Lalisa remembered, returned the smiled and gave them both a hug that felt foreign on Lisa's skin. Jisoo chatted with them for a bit, telling them and catching up about the lives that they didn't know about. It felt as if they were talking to a complete stranger, with their worlds distanced by the connection that were lost along the years.
Lalisa never wanted to attend, never wanted to collide with the ones that she tried to forget. But Chaeyoung was persistent, telling her over and over how Jisoo's daughter was once close to her heart.
As the night deepened, Lalisa found herself standing alone under the moonlight, waiting for Chaeyoung who was still chatting with Jisoo inside. They made their farewell some moments ago, but her lover who was always so charming and sociable, had been caught up.
Lalisa chuckled warmly, putting her hands on the pocket of her coat as she stared at the beauty of the moon above her.
"You're leaving already?"
She froze as a familiar voice rang into her ears.
It took some seconds before she found her voice to speak, swallowing the nervousness that rose up in her throat. "We have an early morning flight."
There was silence between them for a moment. And Lalisa reminded herself that they weren't the same person years ago. Jennie wasn't the same woman who cried helplessly for forgiveness, and she wasn't the same Lalisa with a heart as hard as stone.
"I heard you got engaged. Congratulations."
"Thank you."
Lalisa slowly looked at Jennie who was already staring at her with soft eyes. The scar on her cheeks were still visible, but faded along the years as if it was only there to be a reminder of the past that they couldn't escape.
As the light of the moon reflected in their eyes, it evoked memories of their nights in the academy where they spent wrapped in the sanctuary of each other's arms. It seemed like a ages ago, and maybe it was. Those days remained in the past, but no matter where they go or who they're with, their nightmares and scars were always the same, bound together for a lifetime and beyond.
Jennie stared back at her with eyes full of stories and words to tell, and maybe someday, when Lalisa's heart is finally at ease and when her mind is ready, maybe she could listen to them.
"Lis, let's go?" Chaeyoung suddenly walked out and reached for her hand, unconsciously claiming what belonged to hers.
They bid Jennie goodbye, leaving a lot of things unsaid, but with one look and an unexpected smile from Lalisa, Jennie knew that somehow, she was forgiven.
As they walked away from the first woman who taught her love, Lalisa wondered if she would ever see her again.
XIV.
A strange thing happened that summer night; Chaeyoung was too deep in slumber to hear her granddaughter cry.
It was Lalisa who got up, carrying the eight months old in her arms, swaying around in a gentle motion as she shushed her with a soft lullaby, a movement that she adapted perfectly after Chaeyoung had taught her countless of times.
She went back to bed after a while, their granddaughter already fast asleep in the comfort of her crib. With eyes half closed, Lalisa wrapped her arms around her wife who was still asleep, making a note in her head that when she wakes up the next morning, she would tell her wife about how their granddaughter finally slept so peacefully in her arms.
A proud smile formed in her lips as she kissed Chaeyoung goodnight before closing her eyes.
When the next morning came, Lalisa woke up, but Chaeyoung never did.
XV.
Chaeyoung lived for fifty-three years before the heaven decided to take their angel back again.
Lalisa cried endlessly. Day and night. Every minute and with every beat of her grieving heart. Her daughters were there to held her hands as they shared stories of all the good things that Chaeyoung did. A lot came, faces with the names that were blurred in Lalisa's mind, telling her how sorry they were, how sad they were.
The world without Chaeyoung was suddenly back in black and white. And every where she looked, it was all gray, just like her heart.
XVI.
Lalisa wasn't fond of flowers, she used to hate it, but a garden of roses bloomed in her yard as if it was an Eden built in memory of her beloved wife.
A gentle smile spread on Lalisa's lips as she watched her granddaughter, who was more beautiful than flowers, ran with her chubby little feet while her tiny little hands held a newly blossomed rose.
"Is this for me, little Rosie?" She asked, and little Rosie nodded with a toothy smile that brought warmth into her heart.
Maybe it was because she was loved, or maybe because her daughters never left her side, but as the flowers bloomed and the seasons changed, her heart continued to heal. She didn't forget though, because after every dusk, she would still cry, whispering I love you in the darkness of the night.
XVII.
It took a while longer and it wasn't the same as before, but eventually, the world started to retrieve its colors once again.
XVIII.
At first, it started innocent. A routine, maybe.
Jennie was the one who called first with her voice so low that she merely pronounced the word hello before she hanged up, leaving a stunned and confused Lalisa on the other line.
The next night was almost the same but Jennie managed to let out two words before she hanged up.
Hello, Lalisa.
On the third night, Jennie didn't even managed to speak. Instead, she hanged up right after Lalisa spoke on the other line.
Jennie?
It took them a week before they finally said hello to each other.
It took seventeen days before they could even talk about the weather.
It was uneasy, awkward, and strange. But even though it was all of those things, it still became their routine--their own routine.
Every night, the phone would ring and Lalisa, who claimed for it to be quite aggravating, would still be waiting on the other line, greeting Jennie with a nonchalant hello that would eventually lead to a conversation that only ends when they fell into a slumber.
They talked about the things that were left unsaid, about the way the world unfolded in front of them. Lalisa often found herself talking about little Rosie whom Jennie never met but already adored. Sometimes, she would talk about Chaeyoung, crying at how much she missed her wife, and Jennie would listen like the good friend she was.
They spoke, and talked, and laughed, and cried until their voices became familiar with each other again.
Although it took six hundred and fifty one days before Jennie finally had the courage to tell her, "I'll come over. Wait for me."
XIX.
She carried a single sunflower on her hand as she stood on the arrival gate of Incheon International Airport, waiting for feline eyes to stared back at her.
But it was already midnight, and her sunflower became stale.
And Jennie, once again, never came.
XX.
It took three days of darkness before her phone rang again. She didn't want to answer it at first, never wanted to hear a voice that always broke her heart.
But it kept ringing, going on and on and on until it was all too much to bear.
So she picked up the phone one night and let out a voice that was so harsh it felt like an explosion of all her frustration, anger, and desperation. She expected for the woman on the other line to level with her outburst, but instead, it was quiet. Followed by a sound of someone's breathing. Then there was a suppressed sob.
And suddenly, the voice on the other line cried, wailed, as she tried to make out the words, You need to come here.
The next morning, Lalisa found herself on a flight to New Zealand.
XXI.
Jisoo said it was an accident.
Jennie never meant to break her promise, she wanted to board the plane to see Lalisa who was nine thousand seven hundred kilometres away from her. But a driver lose control when Jennie was crossing the street to call for a taxi, and instead of arriving at the land of the morning calm, Jennie arrived on a hospital, stuck on a bed, unconscious with a broken leg and ribs.
It wasn't critical though, but in every second that Jennie failed to open her eyes, Lalisa was consumed with great fear-- a fear of losing someone that meant so deeply to her, just like when she lose Chaeyoung.
So she held Jennie's hand, too afraid to let go, thinking that it might slip away in a blink of an eye.
"Are you sure, Lisa?" Jisoo stood on the doorway, ready to leave.
"Yes, I'll be okay."
"Alright, call me if you need everything."
That night and the nights after that, Lalisa stayed and never went away.
XXII.
Jennie breathed out the name Pranpriya before her eyes could even see the world again. But when she opened them, finally meeting a doe-eyed woman who was smiling down at her with tears in her eyes, Jennie whispered, barely audible with her croaked voice, "Lalisa."
And when Lalisa kissed the top of her head, repeating the words you're safe, you're safe, it suddenly didn't matter that Jennie never arrived, because in the end, it was Lalisa who came for her.
XXIII.
Her hair was starting to become gray when Jennie finally told her. They were sitting on the yard, surrounded by roses that climbed onto the trellis, creating an exquisite scenery that Lalisa loved and adored.
She watched as the sun kissed Jennie, making the scar on her cheek to be more visible in the light of the day. Lalisa never asked about it, about the story behind it, and about the secrets it would unveil. Instead, she only traced it with her gentle hands, hoping to ease the pain that came along with it.
"It was a pole, I think. The thing that left a scar on my face and chest." Jennie said, her voice deep and serious as she looked at the far distance. "I can't really remember clearly cause there were a lot of smoke. I only recall the pain and the blood that dripped on my clothes. And then I got out, barely alive as I watched everything burn. Their screams still rang in my ears when I close my eyes, but even if I could go back in time, I still wouldn't save them."
Lalisa felt her hands cold. "Jennie, what are you saying?"
"What I meant is," Jennie turned and stared at her. "I was the lone survivor when Casa Manoban burned down."
A tear escaped Lalisa's eyes. "That's not possible..."
"My mother didn't arrive to save me that day, Lalisa. She came to disowned me."
Lalisa listened as the secrets of the past unfolded in front of her eyes.
"Mother paid the academy to free me, to go out in the world, alone, without a home."
"I don't understand... We promised to escape together. Why didn't you?"
"Because the academy knew our plan all along."
Lalisa learned about how Jennie bailed her out to freedom, releasing her from the evilness of the academy using the money that wasn't really meant for her liberty. She learned how Jennie chose her, gave her a chance to live, to start a new life, sacrificing Jennie's own independence just to save her. She learned about how Jennie made a deal and told them, I'll stay but Pranpriya will go, and how the teachers never complained, because unlike Pranpriya, to them, Jennie was still worth of something.
"The investors started to come, and one morning, they told me I was chosen. I was excited, thinking that whoever resided above heard my prayers and that I would finally see you. But instead, I met a Manoban that wasn't you. Your aunt was a bitter woman and your uncle was a monster. Every night, when he was above me, I wanted him gone. I didn't start the fire, but I didn't die it down either, I let it spread and watched as it ate them whole while they slept. I didn't know what to do after that, it was my first time to taste freedom, and that's when Jisoo saved me. She told me about your Sanctuary, about how you saved the children in the academy, and I remember being so proud of you. I rushed to see you, but that's when I saw you with your own little family, you looked so happy and contented, and I realized, I was too late."
Tears were streaming down Lalisa's eyes as she leaned forward, tracing the scar on Jennie's cheek. She then whispered, "No one will hurt you now." and held Jennie's hand, staring right into her eyes, repeating the words that Jennie vowed when they were young. "I promise to keep you safe."
And Lalisa sealed her promise with a kiss.
XXIV.
The sun shone brightly into the sky, the wind became warm, the rain starts to pour, the leaves starts growing, and eventually it falls.
It didn't matter if it took them a lifetime before they figure it out, because as Jennie stared at her with loving eyes, Lalisa knew that she finally found the peace that she had been looking for.
After all these years.
FIN.