We could hear Noah's screams from down the street. The kiss lasted two, maybe three seconds, and then we pulled away at the faint sound of a toddler crying. He was screaming Darren's name, "Ren! Ren! Ren!"
Darren and I paused and stared at each other, our bodies still an inch apart on his porch. Without thinking, I touched my lips. We didn't say anything, just strained our eyes to make sure we weren't imagining things. Did that really just happen? Was Noah really crying? Or was it all just some trick of the moon and the dark August night?
Darren was instantly sober. We ran as fast as we could back to my brother's house. I had left the front door open knowing that I would only be gone for a few minutes to walk Darren home. Noah must have woken up and when he couldn't find anyone, wandered onto the porch. Great parenting skills, I thought. I trailed behind Darren.
"You left the door open?" Darren asked as we approached the house. The foyer lights shone through the doorway and wrapped Noah in a golden silhouette. He seemed tiny and ominous like a child from a horror film.
"For a second!" I yelled.
Darren swooped in and lifted Noah without hesitation. Noah's face was wet with tears and Darren comforted him by wiping his cheeks and rubbing his back. "We're here. It's all right. You're all right."
"He must be hungry," I said from behind.
Darren didn't acknowledge me. "You want something to eat, little guy? You want a banana?"
Noah loved bananas. He loved how squishy they were and he would squeeze each slice in his fist before attempting to get a few blobs into his mouth. Once inside, I shut the front door behind me and met them in the kitchen. Darren sat Noah on the counter, his feet dangling over the edge, and searched the pantry for something to eat.
"Why don't I feed him and you go to bed, Darren?" I kept my distance.
He continued to ignore me and grabbed a banana. He put it on the counter and went to the utensil drawer for a knife, but it wasn't there. He started opening drawers and cabinets, slamming them closed when he could find what he was looking for. "Where is everything?" he yelled. Before I could answer, he found a knife. I grabbed the banana before he could reach it. Noah slapped his hands on the marble in excitement.
"Darren," I said. "He's been asleep for hours. He's going to be up all night. Go to bed."
"I'm not leaving."
"Then sleep here. Sleep in Noah's bed for all I care. Just go. You're drunk."
Darren looked between Noah and the banana in my hand. He knew I was right. He kissed Noah goodnight and walked past me without a word, handing me the knife. I heard him stomp upstairs and slam the door to Noah's bedroom as I sliced the fruit.
Noah and I stayed up playing games, reading stories, and running around the first floor for no other reason than because Noah had all of the energy in the world and the fever was finally gone. Whenever I started to doze off, he would fall or throw a toy or bark like a dog or laugh or cry or pick my nose. Before I knew it, the sun was rising and I hadn't slept. Charlie and Darren soon emerged, hungover, and Anna arrived to take care of the baby.
I was going to try to get some sleep, but since everyone was together, I suggested we have a big breakfast. I mixed pancake batter in a bowl while Darren fried bacon on the stove. We didn't say much to each other except good morning. Darren and I moved around the kitchen without looking at each other, leaving plenty of space between us until it came time to pour the batter. Standing in front of the stove together, I wasn't sure if the heat was coming from the range or our bodies. I used the spatula to flip a pancake and my elbow grazed his arm resting at his side. I held it there for a moment and he let me. We didn't look up or move or breathe. Then Charlie groaned from behind us and we parted. I burned the first pancake.
Charlie sat at the counter, rubbing his head, asking us to cook a little quieter. Anna rinsed fruit in the sink and then set the table. Noah crawled and walked around the chaos of the giants in the kitchen. And then we ate, mostly in silence, except for Anna, who told us stories of large breakfasts with her own family. Darren didn't look up from his plate and I spent all of my energy entertaining Noah.
After breakfast, I cleaned the dishes. Anna took Noah into the living room to play and Darren headed out front to mow the lawn. It was obvious he was avoiding me. Or maybe I was imagining it. Charlie drank his coffee and I tried not to think about the kiss.
I tried not to think about the moon last night or Darren's face so close I could feel his beard or the fullness of his lips wrapped around mine or the taste of red wine on his tongue or his hand, holding my arm, pulling me in. I dropped the bowl I was cleaning when I snapped out of it. He was right to avoid me. I needed to stay away from him.
"So what's with the nanny?" Charlie asked, pulling me out of my daydream. He looked at Anna, sitting on the floor of the living room, trying to get Noah to follow the story. She said the word "tree" over and over, but he wouldn't repeat it. Instead, he tried to turn the page himself, sick of the picture of the tree.
"What do you mean?" I stood at the sink and scrubbed a large plate with the soapy sponge.
"There are like three adults in the house. Why do you need a nanny?"
"Darren thought it would be a good idea to maintain some form of a normal routine for Noah with everything that's happened. At least until we figure something else out."
"Darren thought?"
"Yes," I said. "And I agreed. Why?"
"I think he has the hots for the nanny."
"Don't be ridiculous." I looked at Anna in her pink top and matching nails, her glasses falling down her nose as she read. All I knew about Anna was that she was patient with Noah and always smelled like berries. And that Darren listened to her when she said we should maintain a normal routine for the baby. She wasn't a grief counselor or a parent, she was a college student and part-time nanny. Was it possible that Charlie was right and Darren was only keeping her around because he had the hots for her? I concentrated on cleaning the dish.
"Didn't you say he was a player in high school?"
"Yes, but, I don't think he's like that anymore." I didn't know what Darren was like nowadays. There hadn't been a single mention of a woman, except the one who had hit on him at the burial. Of course I noticed the looks he got at the funeral. He had always been unaware of his effect on women. And me.
When I was a sophomore in high school, I had joined the yearbook club. In the first few weeks of school, I was responsible for club photos and monthly candids. The editor, a closeted senior named James who went on to work for the Queer Voices section of The Philadelphia News, saw my images of the debate team and was impressed that I could capture them in motion, their pointing fingers and wide-open mouths, arguing about farms and affirmative action. He allowed me to take pictures of the football games, a coveted task not usually assigned to lowerclassmen. Phil and Darren were seniors at the time and Windber was on a winning streak, so there was a lot of hype surrounding the games. I returned my first roll of film and James was unimpressed. "Why are there so many photos of Darren Reynolds?" he had asked. "Do you have a crush on him or something?"
It was a small, normal thing to say given the circumstances. I hadn't even realized how many pictures I had snapped of him, especially so many closeups with his helmet off between plays or on the bench. To my credit, I didn't think James––or anyone––would look at all of my photos. When I was covering clubs, there was little interest in the photos and I was able to present only the best ones. Plus, I was used to Darren. He was always around, especially after my parents' death, picking up burgers at the drive-thru and asking if I needed help with my homework, even though I got better grades than him. But after James said it, that I had a crush on Darren, it began to circulate. The rumor spread that I had secret pictures of him hanging in my room or my locker. People would stop when I was getting my books to see if it was true.
Darren pretended to be unaware of it, although that was impossible because by homecoming everyone would ask Darren if he was taking me to the dance or asked if I would be bringing pom-poms to cheer on my boyfriend. Eventually, it got to Phil. He would defend me and yell at whoever made those comments, even his teammates. He became angry and questioned why people would be saying that about me. Finally, in his bedroom the night of homecoming, I had told him the rumors were true, that I was gay. I had kept Darren out of it. And now it felt like all of those feelings were resurfacing. I was a kid in high school again, with a secret crush. But this time he kissed me.
Instead of responding to me, or even acknowledging that I had spoken, Charlie called Anna over.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Hey, Anna," Charlie said. "Ryan and I are having a little disagreement and we could use your help."
"Sure," she said. She picked Noah up and brought him and the book into the kitchen. She sat down and her head bobbled with excitement. Noah was happy to flip through the pages of the book on her lap, no longer required to read the pages or repeat after her.
"So Ryan told me that Darren is single and I don't see a ring on your finger. You are both young, attractive folk in Windber. Has anything ever happened there?"
"Charlie!" I said. "You really don't have to answer," I assured Anna.
"Actually," Anna said. She moved closer and looked around to make sure the coast was clear. We could hear the faint buzz of the lawn mower out front. We both leaned in as well. Noah looked up as if he understood what we were talking about. "Darren asked me out right before the accident. We haven't talked about it since. It just didn't feel right, you know?"
Charlie looked at me with a smug grin. I rolled my eyes. Charlie said, "Well I know just the thing to do."
"No," I put the mug I was cleaning down. "No, no, no, no, no. Whatever you're thinking...No. We are not getting involved in this."
"What is it?" Anna asked, giggly, ignoring my protests.
"A double date."
Anna clapped her hands. Noah joined in, clapping his own small hands, automatically proud of whatever accomplishment we were celebrating.
"What about Noah?" I asked.
"Doesn't he have a grandmother?"
Anna nodded.
"Then it's settled. The grandmother will watch him." He looked at me. "Now go tell Darren we're going out tonight."
"Why me?" I asked. "It was your idea."
"You know how I am with straight guys. Tell him we've just had this brilliant idea for the four of us to have a little fun. You don't even have to mention the date. He'll get it." Charlie paused and batted his eyes. And then, "You owe me."
I threw the sponge in the sink, sighed, and went outside to talk to Darren. He was pushing the mower up and down the left side of the lawn. His shirt was off, which was just my luck. His skin was glistening with sweat and his muscles were tense with activity. I waved my arms from the porch to get his attention. The last thing I wanted to do was spend more time with Darren or watch him flirt with someone else on a double date, but if we were going to get past the kiss, we were going to have to do this. It would be good for all of us. He turned off the mower and removed the headphones from his ears before heading over.
"Can I talk to you?" I asked while he walked.
"I'm in the middle of something," he said. He squinted, the afternoon sun in his eyes.
"So you're just going to keep finding reasons to ignore me? That'll make things real easy with Noah."
"You'll be going back to the city in a few days with Charlie, right? And then everything will go back to normal." He sounded relieved.
"Everything wouldn't have to go back to normal if you didn't..." I couldn't say it. "Look, Charlie and Anna want to go out tonight. Can you at least be civil for one night?"
"Someone needs to stay here with Noah. And I have a lawn to cut." He walked over to the mower and revved it up.
I ran after him and stood in his path. "Darren..." I said. I crossed my arms and refused to move until he agreed.
"Fine," he said. "Where are we going?"
Author's Note: Thanks for all the votes and comments! I really appreciate it and I'm glad you guys are liking it.
What do you think is going to happen on this double date?