Tuesday
April 16
Leah stands beside me wrapping her arms around my shoulder, resting her head on my shoulder crying. I rub her arm as I look infront of me at Bernice's mom, being held by her husband. She's grabbing on to his arms as if she's holding herself up. Her sunglasses block her face, but you can see black streaks from her mascara run down her cheek.
Bernice's older brother, Brandon, is slowly turning the handle lowering the casket into the grave. Everything is silent to me. I stare blankly at the Rose colored casket. "She can't be in there" I say to myself. But she is. I saw her petite body laying in the casket the day before, her blonde hair brushed evenly to her sides. Her hands interlaced resting on her abdomen. She wore her favorite white long sleeve knitted sweater. Her eyebrows are nicely done, they even put on her eyelashes.
A tear falls from my eye thinking about the pictures that played on the screen behind a podium. Memories. Our memories. I was so lost in thought, I didn't notice the woman infront of me handing me a flower. They called it the "flower ceremony" in which you toss the flower ontop of the casket.
I looked at my flower, twirling it with my fingers. Leah tries to pull me towards the casket but I stood my ground, shaking my head. I felt the tears flow down the side of my cheeks. She wraps her arms around my neck, pushing my head against her chest as I cried. Brandon placed an arm around both of us, resting his head against mine and cried, I felt his tears falling onto my shoulder.
2 hours later
Fresh dirt covered the once grassy area. Everyone was back at the Miller's house for refreshments. I came back to the cemetery. I laid down a plaid blanket we used on beach days, and sat down. I stared at the plastic marker with her name on it. I put on my gray jacket as I felt a breeze blow through. I sit indian style, picking up a handful of dirt, letting it slip through my fingers. I hear the leaves crunching under footsteps as someone approaches me.
They take a seat on the blanket next to me. He places a hand on my thigh, "it doesn't seem real huh?" Mando says in a sad tone. I place my elbow on my other thigh and rest my head on my fist. "I thought you'd be at her mom's house?" he said rubbing my thigh with his thumb. "I was. But I feel too guilty to look her mom in the eyes" I whisper and wipe my tears with the back of my hand.
"You did nothing wrong" he says confused. I looked at him. "It was because of me Cuchillos went after her, because I couldn't let Oscar go. She got caught up in Cuchillo's wrath and it caused her her life" I sniffle. "Her mom asks why her baby was kidnapped by a gang leader and I-" my voice cracks, "I can't sit there and lie to her that it was random, because it wasn't."
Tears well up in my eyes. "The last time we spoke, I was so mad at her for trying to get with Oscar while we were broken up," I look at him, "we were broken up!" I yell, a tear falls down. "It shouldn't have mattered. The last image I have of her was us dancing at Jake's birthday. I blacked out the rest of the night." I chuckle, "then I tried to commit suicide, then it was titi Nora's bday and now" I sniffled. "She's Dead" I plop my head in my palms and cry.
Mando rubbed my back in silence. I breathed through my now stuffy nose. "If I wasn't so caught up in my own shit-" "it wouldn't have changed the outcome V" he whispers. "I didn't respond to her text when she said I'm sorry" I say as my lips tremble. "She died thinking I was still mad at her!" I yell as tears continue to roll down the side of my nose curl towards my mouth.
Mando turned my face to him, he wiped my tear with his thumb. "Don't do this to yourself. You didn't respond because you didn't know if it was safe. She chose to get with Cuchillos. Just like she chose to get infront of the bullet" My mouth hung slightly open shocked at his last sentence. "You don't know the full story V, her choices got her here" he closes my mouth and caressed my chin.
He bends both knees, resting both arms against it. "You know the last thought I had, I looked at Spooky and said, 'do we have to save her?'" he said furrowing his brows licking his lips. "We tried" he mumbled. "What ha-" he shakes his head before I could finish asking. "Don't. You know I can't" he says sternly.
We sat there in silence for a couple of minutes. "Are we good Mando?" I whisper. He raises an eyebrow and nods. "It feels awkward between us now" I admit drawing squiggles in the dirt. "I still can't believe her body is 6 ft under us" I think to myself. "I'm just processing a lot right now V, I can't act like before because things aren't like before" he explains.
I scoot closer to him, I hook my arm under his and rest my head on his shoulder. "V" he utters. I lift my head, face him and turn his face to me. "I promise I won't kiss you Mando, no matter how right at that moment it might feel" I rest my forehead against his as we close our eyes looking down, "but you can't keep this bottled up" I rubbed his cheek, "even Spooky cried" I whispered.
I felt the wetness on his cheek as I ran my thumb back and forth. He pulls me onto his lap, wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me towards him. He buries his head in my chest and cries, his whimpers are muffled against my body. I place an arm around his shoulder and hold his head, covered by the hooded part of his jacket.
"This could've been me V, it could've been you sitting ontop of my grave crying" he mumbles. "It could've been Spooky or Leah" he takes a shaky breath. "Or you" he holds me tighter. A tear falls from my eyes as I close them.
"Nobody cares. They just want a case and a leader, nobody cares that a mom lost a child. They forget. Everyone forgets. I could've been shot and bled out like B, and all I will have is a nice monument and a memory" he continues. "Now everyone is looking at me on what to do, but I want everything to change. I don't want homies to be another face on a shirt, or a mom to lose their child and get no sympathy because her son was a travieso. If we die in this life, I want it to mean something, to know I impacted someone".
Leah kneels down behind Mando, presses her body against his back, kissing the middle of his upper back as she wraps her arms around his body. "You saved me" she says. As we sit there hugging eachother.
Friday
April 19
Diaz's house
Mando's POV
I'm sitting around the table with Sad Eyes to my left, Trigger to my right, and Joker across from me. Spooky is on speaker in the middle of the table. Legal calls aren't monitored, so Reginald connected us for a meeting on the direction of the Santos. Cesar is in his room packing up the rest of his clothes to live with V. "We aren't here to talk about the case" Spooky begins, "Cuchillo's is dead, lets move on."
"How are we splitting responsibilities?" Sad Eyes asks. That's what I like about Sad Eyes, he makes sure business is handled. "Sad Eyes, you're gonna handle drop offs, you delegate if you need to but you make sure the merchandise gets there. Especially to the suits. Joker you take care of recruiting, you're my eyes, you need to be patrolling the stash houses and streets. Trigger you're handling finance, you collect funds from the businesses, transfer money when I tell you to. Mando, you're the leader" All the guys collectively smile and look at me.
"You make sure shit runs smoothly compa, I don't gotta explain."
"What about Cesar?" Joker asks leaning forward on the table. "Nothing. He stays with V. Mando financially supports him." Spooky says. "Mando's the babydaddy" Trigger teases. I flick him off. "We can't bring hood drama to V's door, she's been through enough" he adds. "She's still your Ruka Spooky?" Joker asks curiously. "That's irrelevant" he states. "They broke up?" I think confused. "Ey Spooky y'all have some dysfunctional family shit going on. Split custody of Cesar and Mando is stuck with child support". Trigger points out. We all laugh. "Y'all worst than the cholas at the nail salon" Spooky comments laughing.
"Let's move on" Spooky says, "Cuchillos neglected the Santos doing time. No mas. We blessing the homies if they still reppin' and putting in work. Mando and Sad Eyes I need you to locate the homies in Corcoran, Joker, I need you to get some cholas, they gonna shake for us. Get them to start writing, get them on visitations, have Nena in charge of that. Sad Eyes, have trensas wrap the product correctly." We all nod in unison.
"Mando tell Nena to set up a GTL account for Cesar and sign him up for visits. And one more thing, Reginald doesn't pay for any product until he reaches $15g. That covers my legal expenses with him. He's limited to no more than an 8 ball a day, can't make money on free product" He informs.
"Anything, y'all need to bring up?" he asks. We collectively shake our heads and say no. "You guys gave your orders, dale. Mando take me off speaker" he orders. The homies get up and walk out the door. I get on the line, "dimelo primo?" I ask. "How are you compa?" he asks sincerely catching me off guard. "I'm good" I say robotically. "Seriously?" he says insulted. "I've been there Mando, acuerdate."
I look out the window, as the homies dispersed. I walk towards Cesar's room, glance inside; he's packing clothes with his headphones on. I sit on the couch, light up a blunt. "I want to run things differently" I confess. Spooky clears his throat. "We need to bless the barrio more. This can't be just about drugs and violence, we gotta make it worth it. Encourage the bright homies to pursue sports and get an education, be doctors and lawyers. Help them buy property and shit, own businesses. Ayudar a las familias with simple shit, like a ride to work or babysitting. I-"
I take a hit, "I don't want to die and be remembered as another gangbanger primo" I say scratching my forehead. "I feel you homie" Spooky replies. "You're right we need a change. Santos are suppose to protect our people not hurt them. You figure it out compa, you have my full support" he says. I sigh in relief as I hit the blunt.
"Whats up with you and V?" I asked. "Nothing" he replies robotically. "Seriously?" I mock. "I might never come home Mando, she's better than a prison wife. That's it. I'm deading her so she can move on" he says sadly. "Isn't that going to be hard with Cesar living there?" I ask. "Nope, I'll call him on his way to school and right before they turn off the phone's when V should be asleep. Just don't bring her up anymore, I need her out of my life" he says confidently.
"I gotta go, make sure Lil' Spooky gets to V's, you can use the house if you need to for meetings but keep that shit clean" he orders. "Dale primo" I say as I hang up. I walk to Cesar's room, lean on the doorway. He's looking at his phone at a picture of him and Spooky.
"You good homie?" He quickly exits the screen. "Yeah" he says quietly. "It's just hard to think Oscar might not be around" he gets up, placing his phone in his pocket, swinging a strap of his bookbag over his shoulder. I grab the duffel bag and place a hand on his shoulder. "It'll be ok Lil' Spooky" I say. "That's what Oscar said and now he's facing life" Cesar says walking out.
***A bit of an emotional chapter. Hope you like it so far***