Kazee's POV
I cried so hard when I saw my mommy in the hospital bed. I wasn't aware that she's here in Manila while I was with Nathan in Batangas. My mother was suffering and what I did was to enjoy. I didn't know!
I never thought that she'll worry me this much! I was so blinded by hate towards my father.
Slowly, her eyelids opened. Nang makita ako ay agad siyang lumuha.
"A-anak." bulong niya.
Mas lalo lang akong naiyak nang tuluyan ng nalaglag ang luha ng ina.
"M-mommy, I'm sorry." I uttered in between of my sobs while holding her hand.
"Y-you're back. My youngest is back. My heart is so happy."
I spent hours crying and holding my mom's hands. Guilt, pain, hatred, and sorrow filled my heart. I can't believe I was able to feel it all at once.
"Please, respect you father. He loves you, anak."
Hindi ako umimik at pinigilan ang sariling magsalita dahil baka may masabi akong hindi maganda at magdudulot ng masama sa kalagayan ng ina.
Another slap stung my face by my oldest sister. They are all in Manila. Nalaman ata ng mga kapatid ko na nakabalik na ako. We are all living in the same roof but I feel like I'm a prison because they locked me up.
"Fuck you!" sigaw niya.
Agad na pumagitna si ate Jean at linagay ako sa likod niya.
"Ate! Tama na!" Ate Jean defended me.
"Kukunsintihin mo din ang malanding yan? Pagkatapos niyang ipahamak si Mommy?!"
Hindi ako umimik at tinignan siya gamit ang pagod na mata.
"Hindi ko ginusto, hindi ko alam ate." maalumanay kong sagot.
Ate Dana laughed sarcastically.
"Right! Wala kang alam! Hindi mo alam na mahina ang puso ni Mommy! Kaya kaunting atake lang, pwede na niyang ikamatay!"
"W-what?"
I looked at Ate Jean who looked away. "You knew?"
Hindi sila sumagot. Pero nanatiling galit si ate Dana.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because you're young. Mommy said it's better to tell you when you're older." si ate Jean ang sumagot.
Pati naman ba sa sarili kong pamilya pagsisinungalingan din ako?
I felt an excruciating pain just thinking about Mommy. She...she suffered a lot because of me. She nearly died because of me. Because of my stubbornness.
I never felt this guilty my whole life. Days passed by just looking at the ceiling of this damn room. Nakakalabas lang ako kapag gusto akong makita ni Mommy. Bantay sarado ako ng tatlong bodyguards.
Pakiramdam ko mababaliw na ako sa dami ng iniisip. Sa sakit na nararamdaman. Parang gusto ko na lang na maglaho ng bigla.
I feel numb. I feel hollow. I feel so worthless. I feel so lifeless.
Nang naligo ako ay nahagip ko ang gillette sa banyo. Walang buhay ko iyong kinuha.
Wanting so bad to feel anything, I cut my arms using it. Blood dripped down from my arms down to the floor. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. I wanted to feel something. I needed to feel something. Because if not, I'm really going crazy.
Hanggang naulit iyon ng paulit ulit. I had to wear long sleeves when I visit my mother because I'm afraid she'll ask me.
Walang buhay kong sinunod ang utos ng ama. The reporters were gathered on the hospital's hallway outside the room on my mom.
Jairo escorted me from behind, agad kaming dinulog ng mga reporter. Halos hindi ko na maintindihan ang mga tanong nila.
My mother asked me to do it. I'm so fucking afraid anything will happen if I don't follow her words.
"Yes. It's true we're engaged." pag-amin ko. Jairo held my waist, he made sure that we looked like a couple. It's just for a show.
"How about the kidnapping incident? Totoo ba?" a reporter asked.
Agad naming linampasan ang mga reporter. Pinigilan naman ng mga body guard ng ama para hindi na kami masundan.
"Are you sure about this?" Jairo asked.
I nod. I wanted to see Nathan....for the last time. But if it isn't possible. I'll just give him my letter.
Papasok pa lang sana kami nang nakasalubong ko ang babaeng mestisa at matangkad. She looked so amazing with her white formal dress with a deep neckline.
Lalampasan ko sana nang tumigil siya sa harapan ko.
"Kazee right?"
Hindi ko alam kung bakit nairita agad ako sa boses niya.
"Sino ka?"
"Annie Rodriguez."
I closed my fist because of too much anger. She's the reason why we broke up. She's the reason why I cried. Why I felt so worthless.
"Can we talk?"
I sighed and nodded. Nagconvoy na lang kami papunta sa pinakamalapit na coffee shop. Ihinatid naman ako ni Jairo at inantay sa sasakyan.
She ordered black coffee for the both of us. Heck, I like sweets. Hindi man lang nagtanong.
"Were you planning to visit him?" tanong niya at prenteng sumipsip ng kape. My anger dripped like an acid. I have a fucking right! I won't hold back.
"The hell do you care?" masungit kong sambit.
She blinked three times as if very shocked with my words. She smiled a little not loosing her poise.
"Because I'm his fiance? I bet you know that."
Nanginig ang kamay ko dahil sa galit. Kailangan niya ba talagang ipamukha?
"What do you fucking want to talk about?" bastos kong saad.
She sighed and smiled. "Nathan is a great guy." panimula niya.
I know that very damn well.
"He's a goal setter. He wants everything planned. But when you came, he became a risk-taker."
Umiling siya na para bang disappointed sa naging desisyon ni Nathan.
"If this is your way of drawing the line, then don't worry. We're done." matigas kong sambit.
Mas nairita ako ng tumawa siya ng bahagya.
"No. I'm not that cheap." ngumisi siya.
"Then why are you telling me this?!"
"Can you just listen?"
I inhaled air before shutting my mouth. Even her voice annoys me, fucking big time.
"He risked everything for you. And now look, he's behind the bars." she pointed out.
"Iuurong na ang kaso." matigas kong sambit nang maalala ang napagkasunduan namin ng ama.
"That doesn't change the fact that he got jailed because of you."
"I know that!"
"Alam mo din sanang muntik na siyang itakwil ng chairman. He's suffering so much but he said he wants to see you."
Parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko nang sinabi niya iyon.
Parang unti-unti kong napagtanto kung gaano karami ang nadamay dahil sa amin. We only thought of ourselves that we failed to recognize the people around us.
"Despite of everything, he still wants you. So please, if you're going to break him again, don't show yourself anymore. I am asking this not because he's my fiance but because he had been a good guy."
Napatulala ako sa sinabi niya. I bit my lip to prevent my tears from falling. I am so fucking selfish! I wanted to see him for the last time. To bid goodbye.
"Why do you want to see him?" tanong niya.
Hindi ako nakasagot. "Mahal mo ba si Nathan?" Tanong ko.
She looked shocked but she recovered fast. "No."
She sighed as if very stressed. "I don't how to make you understand because you're still young. You'll definitely understand when you grow up."
Parang nainsulto ako sa sinabi niya. I know I'm still young but I can understand it!
"You're engage too. Mahal mo ba?" tanong niya pabalik.
"Hindi."
"That's the same for me."
"Then why did you agreed to be engaged with him?"
"It's a personal reason. Let's just say, I have to." sambit niya.
"Then...are you going to marry him?"
She gave me a small smile.
"If nothing gets in the way, then maybe."
"When?" parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko.
"Depends on our families." she smiled.
"Can I ask a favor then?"
She nodded. Inilabas ko ang sulat na ginawa ko. At inabot iyon sa kanya.
"Don't worry, I'll give this to him." sambit niya at kinuha iyon.
I shook my head, she looked at me with questioning look.
"Kung sa tingin mo dapat mong ibigay, ibigay mo. Pero kapag hindi, itapon mo."
"Why?"
"Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang tama at mali." sambit ko.
I stood up. Aalis na sana ako nang pinigilan niya ako. I felt a pain on my arms when she held it.
Her eyes widen. Agad akong nagtaka kung bakit. Dahil puti ang long sleeve ko, agad na nakita ang dugo doon.
Babawiin ko sana nang hinablot niya ang papulsuhan ko at itinaas ang sleeves. My cuts were exposed, she looked at me with wide eyes.
Binawi ko iyon at malamig siyang tinignan.
"You...have--"
"Don't tell this to him." banta ko.
She closed her eyes. Hindi siya nagsalita at yinakap ako. Agad akong naestatwa.
"Don't keep everything to yourself. You'll go crazy." she whispered.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya ako yinakap. I never expected that it's warm. I felt like she understood what I did. Pakiramdam ko alam niya ang pakiramdam.
"Don't let me decide. Tell me, when will I give this letter?" she asked still caressing my back.
Kapag pwede na kami ulit... I wanted to say that, but I didn't want to be selfish.
"When he's successful." I whispered back.
I felt her nod. I gave her a small smile.
"Paalam." sambit ko.
She smiled and let me walk away. Walk away from everything.
Paalis sa lahat ng sakit. Sa lahat ng luha, lungkot at pighati.
Paalam, Nathan.
Sabi nila kung para sayo, para sayo talaga. Pero pinilit naming maging kami kahit halatang hindi pwede. Kaya sa huli, natalo pa din.
We ended up hurting each other and the people around us. We ended up breaking each other's heart.
In the end, we had to break apart. We had to separate ways. And what we had?
It was a sad beautiful love story. But still.....it is love.