"One boy,
thousand feelings".
-unknown
---
I can't even begin to explain the guilt that I felt, or how it manifested in my gut as the worst sinking feeling.
"Look, he'll come around, okay. He's doing a JJ thing." John B reasoned as the group sat at the Wreck, dejected and hopeless.
"You think he'll go home?" Kiara asked.
"Theres about a 0 percent chance that JJ goes home", Pope muttered, leaning up against the window and staring out pensively.
John B shrugged and turned his attention to Sarah. "You okay?". He put an arm around her.
I stayed silent the whole time and shoved down the irritation that flashed into me when he worried for the girl. It wasn't Sarah's fault that John B was so protective and wasn't as worried about our much wilder and more unpredictable friend JJ.
I felt out of place sitting there with them all. They started talking about the best way to get the rest of the gold out of the well now that we knew pawning it wasn't a good idea, but I tuned out because all I could think about was JJ.
God, I needed a smoke right now.
It occurred to me that I was going through literal withdrawals since he wasn't around to constantly offer me his nicotine or marijuana.
I laughed at the thought, and everyone turned to look at me like I was crazy. Kiara had an especially concerned look on her face.
I shrugged defensively, not wanting them to question my sanity.
"Why are you laughing?"
I shook my head, knowing they wouldn't understand. The only person who would understand, wasn't here right now.
"Whats wrong, Ti?"
"Nothing".
They all stared at me for a second.
Suddenly I changed my mind, shrugging nonchalantly. "I'm gonna go check on JJ".
I had a sinking feeling he might have gone home. Anyone else would have taken the money and gone to the police to pay off their debt, but knowing him? Knowing how he got when his anger got the best of him? He wouldn't have done the reasonable thing.
And I just had a feeling something was really wrong.
Kie put her hand on my shoulder sympathetically. "He made his decision, Ti. We should let him be".
"How can you guys say that?" I burst out frustratedly.
Kiara gave me a knowing look. "You have to let him do his thing, Ti. You know how he gets."
"I'm just- I'm gonna go check".
She sighed, giving the others a look. "Okay then. I'll come with you."
"I'll come too" Pope nodded solemnly.
"Thank you".
---
It was impossible not to notice the sexual tension between Pope and Kiara as we approached the Chateau once again. We'd gone to JJ's house and it had been completely empty, so we'd come back to crash here, hoping JJ might make an appearance eventually.
I was trying not to cry.
"What the hell?" Pope exclaimed as we walked along the grass back towards the Chateau.
There was a weird form on the lawn in the darkness. It had colorful bright lights and looked like a... jacuzzi?
"Who the hell is that?" Kie muttered.
My heart clenched when I recognized his dirt bike where he usually parked it.
"You guys, he's here", I whispered.
The distinguishable sound of a champagne cork popping was heard as we quickly approached the boy in his hot tub.
"What did you do, JJ?" Kie was incredulous.
"I got a jet going straight in my butt right now" "Y'all should get in.... immediately, ya hear me?" Salud!" He was clearly wasted.
"Jesus, JJ. How much did this cost?" Pope asked.
"Uhhhh well. Pretty much all of it, yeah." He drawled, nonchalant.
"All of it." Kiara deadpanned. Her, Pope, and I just stood there in shock, not really knowing how to react.
"Yeah, burned a hole right through my pocket. But I mean like come on guys, look at this!" The blond boy gestured wildly to the bubbling water around him and shook some water droplets from his hair. "Kie what?" He turned to look at the girl who was looking at him critically, "Can't a man have a little luxury in life?".
"Come on", he took his glasses off. "All this scrimping and scraping.. I mean like, guys. We only live once right." He looked at me briefly, but quickly diverted his gaze back to Pope and Kiara.
He gulped, smiling through the pain in his eyes. "Enough of this emotional shit, get in the cats ass come on!"
"What". I finally muttered, confused.
The feeling I'd had all day that something was deeply wrong had only intensified tenfold now that I saw him and how not okay he was.
"In the Cat's Ass. Thats what I named her", he explained. "Oh hey yo! I almost forgot!" he turned the lights on excitedly, causing the jets in the jacuzzi to spray out in a rainbow of neon colors. "Huh? What do you think?"
He gestured around him drunkenly. "Disco mode!".
"JJ-" I started, concerned, taking a step towards him, but Pope interrupted me angrily. "You could have payed your bail. You could have gotten supplies to get the gold out of the well", he ranted.
My heart sank at JJ's dropped expression. "Okay you know what, I didn't do that! I got a hot tub! I got a hot tub for my friends. No- screw that! I got a hot tub for my family!" His voice broke at the end as he looked around at us pitifully.
We all gasped. When he'd stood up animatedly, the deep black and blue bruises on his torso had become apparent. Since we'd last seen him, he'd taken a beating. A big one.
"JJ". I gasped, taking a step forward.
He finally looked at me. Not like how he'd been doing before, where his gaze flitted away as soon as we made contact. Really looked at me. And once again we were lost in each others gazes.
He was at his most vulnerable. The walls he fought so hard to keep up had collapsed, and he stood before us in his rawest state.
I saw him for what he was. A beautiful and broken boy, staring back at a broken girl. At his family.
My brain didn't even command my muscles to move, they just did. Suddenly I was in the tub with him, hugging him. He melted into my body instinctively, clutching me as if I was a lifeline.
I felt the weight of his body on mine as he crouched over to rest the weight of his head on my shoulder, as if he was a man lost at sea and my smaller body was a buoy to clutch to.
His gentle sobs hurt me deep in my core.
He let himself fall apart, as if he finally could now that he held on to an anchor.
I didn't have any words, just tears, as I held him.
"I got you" I whispered.
He let out a silent sob in response that wracked his whole body.
"Its okay. I'm here". I traced patterns on his shoulder soothingly. "I got you".
"I know" he whispered into my neck, still shaking. His whole body was curved around mine, bending down so that he could hold me and so that I could hold him. He paused, then added in a whisper so that only I could hear, "you're the only one who gets it".
I hugged him tighter, tears freely rolling down my cheeks to match his.
Still holding his larger body, I looked to Kiara and Pope who watched on, stricken. I gave the slightest of nods, letting them know that I got this.
Kiara understood, nodding and hitting Pope on the shoulder. They came in for a group hug, hugging JJ and muttering kind words, before Kiara dragged Pope away from the scene to let me comfort he boy by myself.
When Kiara and Pope had been gone for a few minutes, the last wall he had had up just crumbled. The boy in my arms no longer cried or sobbed. He'd taken calming breaths and somehow we had ended up sunken in the jacuzzi, floating and still holding each other tightly in the hot foaming water.
I sighed, looking down and kissing his cheek. He stayed motionless as I released my grip on him, backing away just a little as we had previously been crushed up against each other tightly.
We just looked at each other, there in the hot tub. Disco lights and jets in various array around us. Blue, green, purple. Blue. There was so much pain in his eyes I could hardly bear to look at them. But I couldn't have brought myself to look away even if I'd tried.
Slowly, he waded closer to me, both of our faces only inches above the steamy water. I don't know if it was seconds or minutes because it seemed like time slowed as his face approached mine, never breaking eye-contact all the while.
I knew what was about to happen and while the rational part of me was in disbelief that this was finally happening and having a heart-attack, my soul was calm. As if this was meant to happen. The most normal thing.
His hand was on my cheek, as he caressed it and looked at me, tilting his head. Our noses touched, and still I stayed absolutely immobile.
And then we were kissing. Involuntarily my eyes had closed and all I knew was that we were kissing.
Me and JJ were kissing.
I was kissing JJ.
Gently, lovingly. It was vastly different from our rough make-out session we'd had days before. That had been fiery, passionate. If that had felt like a flame consuming me and quickly burning out, this felt like the glow of warm honey emanating from every cell in my body.
The way JJ held me as if I was a precious, fragile, masterpiece now. The way his lips tasted like salt tears and spice. The way he looked at me as if I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid his eyes on.
He knew what he was doing. I knew what I was doing. Our bodies moved as one. I didn't need to think.
Nothing else mattered in this moment.
And nothing between us could ever be the same.
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Word count: 1845
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Hey my babies I'm back :)
Sorry for the delay. In the spirit of brutal honesty I kind of lost inspiration for a sec there, and I've been busy protesting and moving while also trying to socially distance and yaknow all the good things
But had to come back figured you guys needed this chapter in ya lives haha I know I did.
Have an amazing rest of your day or night or life or whatever!!! N remember someone loves you :)!!!!
I'm always here to talk if anyone needs absolutely anything!