Kazee's POV
"What do you mean, Kaz?"
I smiled sadly. "Let's talk tomorrow, you look so tired."
Nauna akong humiga sa kama. Naramdaman ko namang sumunod siya. Nakatalikod ako sa kanya kaya hindi ko alam kung nakatingin ba siya sa akin o hindi.
Hindi ako nakatulog sa gabing iyon. Nang tignan ko si Nathan ay tulog na ng mahimbing.
I carefully got my phone and texted Jairo. I'm so done with this. I'm so done with everything.
Hindi ko namalayan ang oras, nawindang na lang ako nang makitang may araw na pero kahit isang minuto hindi ako nakatulog.
Naramdaman ko namang bumangon si Nathan at dumiretso sa banyo. Nang matapos ay nakabihis na, na para bang aalis nanaman ulit.
"You're awake? Let's eat breakfast together magluluto lang ako." paalam niya.
Nang makababa ay dumiretso ako sa banyo. Walang buhay akong naligo at nagbihis. The dark circles around my eyes became more visible. I fucking look like I'm barely living. Tangina, awang awang na ako sa sarili ko.
Nang makababa ay naabutan ko nanaman si Nathan na may kausap sa kabilang linya.
He's cooking while his phone is on his shoulders, tilting his head to hold the phone.
"Yes.. I'll tell Kazee. I hope she'll understand."
Ako? Anong sasabihin niya? Ako din ba ang pinaguusapan nila kagabi?
Nang matapos ang tawag ay kumuha ako ng plato, kutsara at tinidor, at baso upang ilagay sa mesa. Hindi ako umimik habang ginagawa iyon.
"We don't have any groceries left, Kaz." Sambit niya at inilagay sa plato ang sunny side up na itlog. Nagluto din siya ng fried rice.
Magtitimpla sana ako ng kape nang makitang ubos na rin. I realized how hopeless we are.
"Kazee." Nathan tried to get my attention. I braced myself of what he's going to tell me. Nakatayo siya sa gilid ng lababo at nakatingin sa akin.
"Bakit, Nathan?"
"Let's go back." tila nahihirapan niyang sambit.
I expected to feel hurt..or mad but I..felt nothing. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, kung nasanay na ba ako sa sakit o ano.
I smiled and nod. "I was planning to."
Parang nagulat siya sa sinabi ko. Hindi siya nakapagsalita at tinignan lang ako.
"But I want to hear your reason." sambit ko.
He sighed. He even looked up and inhaled deeply. "I don't want you to give a life like this. I want give you everything. Best things. Kazee, wala pa akong napapatunayan."
"Are you sure that's the only reason? Bakit parang hindi naman?"
His face darkened. "What are you saying?" His voice was cold and thunderous but I never felt scared.
"You're choosing Annie right? Bumalik diba?"
Hindi siya nakapagsalita. He clenched his jaw. He even closed his fist as if containing his anger.
"You were fucking never an option, Kalia. Why the fuck will I choose Annie?"
"Bakit nga ba?"
"Tangina! Wala pa akong napapatunayan! Would you stay with me despite all of these? Walang wala na ako, Kazee. Hirap na hirap na din ako."
He pulled his hair as if very frustrated.
"Nathan, ako din! Putangina! Hirap na hirap na ako sa pagsisinungaling mo!"
"When did I fucking lie?!"
"Ano?" I looked at him with so much disbelief on my face.
"Anong sinabi mo? Kailan ka nagsinungaling?" ulit ko.
I thought I will never cry, but I did. My tears fell endlessly thinking about how worthless I felt all throughout the days waiting for him to tell the truth! Thinking about the tears I cried knowing that he's with his fiance. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto kung gaano ako kaawa awa sa mga nagdaang araw.
"Tangina, Nathan! Araw araw! You tell me you have to go somewhere but I know you're going to your fiance! Sasabihin mong si Lorah ang kausap mo pero tangina! Si Annie!"
"Pero anong karapatan ko diba? Siya naman talaga dapat." I spat bitterly.
"What the fuck are you saying?! Tangina Kazee, mahal kita!"
Hindi ako umimik. Hindi ko na alam. Hindi ko na talaga alam. Hearing those words broke me even more. Hindi ko na alam ang totoo. Hindi ko na kayang paniwalaan pa siya.
"Nathan." I called out his name.
"Araw araw mo akong pinapatay. Sa bawat pag-alis mo, nauubos ako." I smiled sadly.
"Just...please be honest with me." I added.
"I am honest with you." he whipered huskily.
Napapikit ako at napaupo sa sahig. I hugged my knees while crying.
Naramdaman ko ang paglapit niya kaya inangat ko ang tingin. I can see the pain in his eyes and his desperate move to hush me. But I can't.... I can't look at him the way I see him before.
"Don't..come near me." I uttered in between of my sobs.
Napatigil siya sa sinabi ko. Hindi ko na talaga alam.
"Kazee. Please, I'm doing this for you. Look how empty our refrigerator.... Wala akong pera para buhayin ka, Kaz. Wala pa akong trabaho."
Gaya ko ay napaupo na din siya. Sumandal siya sa ibaba ng sink at sinabunutan ang ulo.
We totally look like we're trying to save our relationship. We look so hopeless. And freeing each other right now is the best choice.
"I can't give you a life you don't deserve. Because damn it Kazee, you deserve the best things in the world." he added.
Patuloy pa din ang pag-agos ng luha ko. His eyes watered. Para bang, gaya ko ay hindi niya din kaya.
We're both sitting on the floor, breaking and hurting. Parang pilit naming isinasalba ang relasyong hindi talaga pwede.
"Tangina, Nathan binigay ko sayo lahat. Katawan...pagmamahal, binigay ko ng buo."
"Pero kahit ngayon lang, Nathan. Huwag na tayong maglokohan oh."
Pinahid ko ang luha ko gamit ang likod ng palad. "Sa araw araw na pag-alis mo, saan ka pumupunta?"
I laughed sarcastically. "Scratch that, sino ang pinupuntaham mo?"
He closed his eyes as if he trying to calm down. "Si Annie." bulong niya.
"Your fiance right?"
He nodded as response. His eyes darkened. He clenched his teeth and closed his fists.
"Bakit hindi mo sinabi?"
"I didn't want you to get a wrong idea."
"Yung kausap mo din sa gabi, siya din?"
He inhaled before nodding.
"Bakit mo sinabing si Lorah?"
"Kasi ayokong mag-isip ka ng iba." bulong niya.
"Putangina! Kaya mas pinili mong patayin ako araw araw sa kaiisip kung anong ginagawa ninyo?!"
"Do you have any fucking single idea how horrible I felt pretending to be okay?!" nanginig ang balikat ko sa pag-iyak pero mas pinili kong sabihin lahat.
"Seeing you go to her in the morning and wait for you at night after being with her killed me and wrecked me into million of pieces!!"
He brushed both of his palms and covered his face. "I'm sorry." he whispered.
"Palagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na.....ako yung mahal mo. Na sa akin ka naman umuuwi. Kaya't araw araw, walang segundong inantay kong magsasabi ka ng totoo. Pero anong nangyari, Nathan?" Sambit ko.
"Tangina may pinangakuan tayo Nathan e, ba't naman ganito? Ubos na ubos na ako." I sobbed.
"I'm so sorry." he whispered.
Hindi ako umimik. Mas sumakit lang ang dibdib ko.
"You're right, we have to go back. You to her, and me to my fucking worthless and useless life."
"We're only going back, Kazee. We're not separating."
Ngumiti ako ng mapait. At kinagat ang labi. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa bang manatili.
"Ang hirap palang kalabanin ang lahat, Nathan. Akala ko kaya natin." ngumiti ako ng mapait.
"We tried to fight together but we ended up fighting each other." I added.
"Why are saying this? I fucking feel like you're leaving me." bakas ang sobrang sakit sa boses niya.
"Nathan, I lost myself loving you. Tinitignan pa lang kita, nasasaktan na ako." Sambit ko.
I stood up and fixed myself. Napatigil ako nang marinig ang pagkabasag ng boses ni Nathan.
"Tell me, what should I do? Please..... tell me babe."
My lips trembled, I covered my mouth when I saw Nathan looking so desperately.
"Tama na, Nathan."
"Mahal kita, Kaz. Tangina mahal na mahal kita."
My heart broke when he hugged me from behind. Pilit kong tinanggal iyon pero hindi niya ako hinayaan.
"Mahal din kita pero mahal ko din ang sarili ko." Sambit ko.
"Please, Kaz. Don't do this." hirap na hirap niyang sambit. Hindi ko na alam. Hindi ko na kaya. Ayoko na.
"I have to."
"Paano ako?" he pleaded.
Humigpit ang hawak niya sa akin.
"Tangina, ikaw na yung naging tahanan ko e." bulong niya.
Pilit kong tinatanggal ang yakap niya hanggang sa siya na ang kusang bumitaw. He looked like he's out of energy. Pareho kaming mukhang wasak na wasak na.
Nagkatinginan kami. Kita ko ang pagod, sakit, lungkot at pighati sa mata niya.
Love can be great, but at the same time it can be so cruel. You'll learn to depend on that person. You'll give everything.
Hindi mo naman kasi makokontrol kung gaano kalaki o kaliit ang ibibigay mong pagmamahal. Love is fucking not measurable. Looking at the man in front of me, with tired and exhausted eyes. All my thoughts about love changed.
Akala ko kapag nagmamahal ka palagi kang masaya. Pero hindi ganoon.
Because love can be this ugly and painful. I inhaled before I looked at him.
"Let's break up." hirap na hirap kong sambit.
Kasabay nang pagbagsak ng puso ko ay ang pagbagsak ng luha niya.