Kazee's POV
"Where are you going?" I tailed Nathan.
Wearing only my nighties, I even failed to wear slippers and just followed Nathan up to his car.
The soft sands didn't hurt my feet at all, but my heart is breaking so fucking much.
"I just have to go somewhere, Kaz." Sagot ni Nathan at akmang bubuksan ang kotse nang pinigilan ko.
"Where is that exactly?" I probed. Nagbabadya na ang luha ko dahil hindi niya ako matignan sa mata.
"Just...somewhere. I have go. Lock the doors. I love you." He kissed my temple before he entered his car.
I only watched him disappeared from my sight. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sariling umiyak.
Naulit ang pangyayaring iyon. Paulit ulit na lang. And I...just let him do things on his own.
I waited so long for his explanation but it never came. I anticipated for so long. I wanted to know his side.
But you know what hurts the most? Pretending not to know anything. Pretending to be okay in front of him.
I just can't believe it. How? How can he lie so effortlessly?
Alam ko. Alam kong si Annie ang palagi niyang pinupuntahan. Pero sa akin naman siya umuuwi diba? With that thought, I was able to hold up for a long time. I was able to comfort myself.
Ang sakit isipin na ang pinanghahawakan ko lang sa kanya ay ang pagmamahal niya.
Days spent without him, and I felt so fucking empty. I wanted to get mad! I wanted to fight him. But I didn't.
Kasi malaki ang tiwala ko sa kanya at mas malaki ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya.
Kasama ko siya pero pakiramdam ko ang layo niya. Kasama ko siya pero parang hindi ko na siya kilala.
I never thought waiting could hurt me this much. He's with her, killing me every single fucking second... And he doesn't have single idea that I know what he was up to. And he doesn't know that I'm hurting.
Ang hirap na ngang itago na nasasaktan ako, mas mahirap ang magpanggap na masaya ako kahit sa loob ay wasak na wasak na ako.
But what..what if he knew that I'm hurting yet he refused to acknowledge it? It hurts me even more.
"Are you going home late...again?" I asked Nathan.
He sighed and nod. I just gave him a small smile. Agad niya akong linapitan at yinakap.
I froze for a moment. Parang nanibago ako sa pakiramdam. Hindi ko siya nakayang yakapin pabalik kaya tinulak ko siya ng bahagya.
"Baka malate ka."
Sa lakad niyo ng fiance mo. I wanted to tell that but I didn't have enough courage.
I don't even have energy to look at him. Dahil sa totoo lang? Pagod na pagod na pagod na akong maghintay sa paliwanag niya. Pagod na akong maghintay sa wala. Pagod na akong umasa.
Mas sumakit lang ang damdamin ko nang unti unti siyang tumango at naglakad paalis.
"Please trust me." That was his last words.
I do. I do, Nathan. But I didn't know trusting you would wreck me into pieces. I didn't know that trusting you is this hard.
Jairo always call to check on me. True enough, he never told my father where I am. They are still searching for me but I couldn't care less.
"So how are you and Nathan?" he asked.
Hindi ako umimik at ibinaling sa ibang topic. He knows Nathan through the pictures that I sent him. I told Jairo that I'm living with Nathan. He said he's doing everything he could so that our engagement will be called off. And I am very thankful for him.
"I bought you pizza, Kaz." Nathan uttered when he got home from you know where.
I'm simply watching a movie because I wasn't able to sleep. I secretly looked at the wall clock, it's already 11.
I smiled a little. He placed the pizza on the center table and kissed my temple.
"I'll just get you something to drink." paalam niya.
My concentration from the movie was interrupted when my phone beeped.
Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang may mensahe si Jairo.
Fr: Jairo
I thought of this thousand of times and I believe I have to send this to you.
I covered my mouth when I clicked the picture. Kasabay ng pagbagsak ng luha ko ay ang pagkabasag ng puso ko.
I looked up to prevent my ears from falling but I failed.
It was Nathan..with a girl, dining together. I assumed that it was Annie. My heart broke even more when I looked at the box of pizza on the center table. It has the same logo from the pizza restaurant that was in the picture.
Nakuha niya pa akong binilhan ng pagkain galing sa pinuntahan nila ng fiance niya? Just..just how?
I composed myself when I heard his footsteps. I smiled without showing a hint that I'm so fucking broken.
"Aalis ka nanaman bukas?" Tanong ko.
Nang tumango siya ay parang sinaksak ako ng milyong milyong beses.
"I'm sleepy. Mauuna na ako." Paalam ko.
"You're not eating this? I thought you crave for pizza?"
"I.. I'll just eat that tomorrow." hirap na hirap kong sambit.
Halos hindi ko kayang tignan iyon dahil sa sakit at insultong nasa dibdib ko. Agad akong dumiretso sa kwarto namin at doon umiyak ng umiyak hanggang sa nakatulugan ko ang pag-iyak.
Lumipas ang ilang araw at paulit ulit pa ding nangyari iyon. Awang awa na ako sa sarili. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pagod na pagod. Kung sa kanya ba o sa lahat na.
Each day, I am feeling numb. I feel so lifeless. I feel like I'm breathing but I'm not living anymore. Kung wala lang ang dagat dito baka hindi ko na kinaya.
"Isang daan." bulong ko sarili habang nakatingin sa mga alon.
Isang daan na kasinungalingan at susuko na ako. Aayaw na ako. Aalis na ako. Dahil tangina, hirap na hirap na ako.
Nang pababa na ang oras ay napagdesisyonan kong pumasok. I cooked some noodles for my dinner because our refrigerator is empty.
My phone beeped as I placed the noodles on my bowl.
Fr: Nathan
Hindi ako uuwi ngayon, Kaz. Pasensya may emergency. Lock all the doors please. I love you.
Napatingin ako sa noodles at nawalan na ng gana. I'm expecting to cry but I just stared at his message.
I... I feel nothing at all. I don't know if it's a good thing but at least I didn't cry right?
Emergency? Ahh baka kailangan siya ng fiance niya. That's what I thought.
I woke up feeling heavy. Nang mapatingin ako sa katawan ay nakadantay ang braso ni Nathan sa beywang ko.
Agad na kumunot ang noo ko at napatingin sa orasan. It's 11:00 in the morning. Anong oras ba siya umuwi at bakit parang puyat na puyat?
Gusto kong alisin ang braso niya pero hindi ko ginawa. I just let myself stared and admired his features. I noticed the his mustache grew, but it looked good on him.
"I miss you." bulong ko kahit alam kong hindi niya ako naririnig.
I planted a soft kiss on his cheeks after deciding to get up at take a bath.
I stopped when I saw my reflection on the mirror. I almost didn't recognize myself anymore. I have this dark circles around my eyes, I became thinner, I completely looked like an addict.
I spent hours in the shower room. Trying to have a good bath at least.
Nang makalabas ay wala na ulit si Nathan. May nakadikit lang na maliit na note sa side table.
I have to go somewhere. I love you - Nathan Ri
"Another lie." I whispered.
Gabi na at wala pa siya. Nagdesisyon na lang akong matulog.
I woke up feeling an extreme dryness on my throat. I wanted water, it's a good thing I have water on the side table.
Uminom ako para maibsan ang pamamaga ng pakiramdam. Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang nakabukas ang terrace sa kwarto namin.
I made sure that my footsteps never made a sound. Rinig kong may kausap nanaman si Nathan sa kabilang linya.
"I.. I will explain to her. Just give me time." sambit niya
Agad na kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa narinig. Who is he reffering to?
"Yes.. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night. Take care of your health."
How sweet. Nagtama ng mata namin ni Nathan nang lumingon siya. He looked shocked but he smiled a little.
"You're awake?" tanong niya.
"Sinong kausap mo?"
Tinignan niya ako bago bumuntong hininga.
"Si Lorah."
Napapikit ako sa sagot ni Nathan. Gusto kong sumabog. Gusto kong magwala pero hindi ko ginawa. Alam mo kung bakit? Dahil pagod na ako.
"Isang daan." ngumiti ako ng mapait.
"What?"
"Congrats. Malaya ka na." bulong ko at tumalikod.
Palayo sa taong bumigo sa akin. Palayo sa taong nanakit sa akin. Palayo sa taong nagsingungaling sa akin. Hindi lang isang beses, kundi isang daan.