I don't know why or how I found myself walking down Logan's street and up to his front door, nor did it even cross my mind that it was in fact a school day and the bastard would be at school. Or at least, that's what I would've thought, if I'd have even remembered that people usually still go to school at that age. The realisation that it was a school day happened just as Logan opened the door with a very enthusiastic welcome. Note the sarcasm.
"Ash, what the hell are you doing here?" His voice was gravelly, sounding just as he looked; tired. His eyes seemed empty, not full of the life they normally entertained. He leaned his weight against the frame of the door, showing that he barely had the strength to keep himself upright without any support. It was when he began to unknowingly rock back and forth and suddenly fall forward, that the warning bells inside my head started ringing, telling me that something wasn't right.
I managed to catch Logan in my arms before he face-planted the concrete of his porch. Hauling him inside and straight onto the sofa where he could relax and tell me what the hell was wrong with him. He groaned, rubbing his forehead and muttering something I couldn't make out. I sat myself down beside him.
"What's up with you? Caught a virus or something?" He shook his head slowly, almost like his head was a stick of dynamite, and any sudden movements would make it explode without warning.
"Nah, it's just a bug or something. I'll be back to normal in a few days, hopefully." He didn't look at me when he spoke, like he usually would. Instead, he kept his eyes closed and his forehead resting against his fingertips, propped up by his elbow on the sofa's arm.
"Anything I can get you? Water or something to eat? Have you eaten today? Are you even allowed to eat?" My burst of questions seemed to make Logan smile lightly, but looking as if it took a lot of effort just to do one simple expression.
"You sound like my mother." He murmured, still maintaining the warm smile on his unnaturally pale lips. "But don't worry, I'm fine. Honest."
"You don't look fine, Logan." The worry I felt definitely wasn't intended to leak out into my tone. Logan kept quiet for a few moments, his smile disappearing as the room fell into uncomfortable silence.
"Would you mind helping me upstairs? I don't quite feel like getting personal with the floor." I could see the smile was back in place, which had me smiling too and launching myself straight into action. Maybe a little too eagerly, which had me briefly hoping Logan hadn't seen my enthusiasm.
I took one of his arms and wrapped it around my shoulders, holding onto his wrist with one hand and the other I curled around his waist, holding him tightly against me. Maybe...maybe a little too tightly. But, you know, like he said, he doesn't wanna be getting personal with the floor. Better safe than sorry, ey?
We took the steps one at a time, slowly and carefully, making sure Logan didn't miss a step and send us both tumbling back down. Cause that wouldn't have been fun. Thankfully, we made it to the top alive and into his room in one piece. Logan didn't lose his head, so I came to find out that it wasn't just like a stick of dynamite, but just a tad dizzy according to him.
I arranged his pillows so that he could sit up and lean back against them comfortably. After that, I clambered onto the bottom of his bed and sat cross-legged, facing his direction. None of us spoke though. Logan's head was lolled back against his bed's frame, eyes closed and mouth slightly open to let small breaths of air out as he exhaled. Concern decided to wrap itself around my lungs and constrict my breathing, cause my heart to panic and my head to mutter thoughts of worry.
It's not that I'd never dealt with someone ill before - hell, Alex has been sick more times than I could bother to recall, and shit, Tyler's one whiny little bastard whenever he got sick. So it wasn't a problem that Logan was feeling under the weather. I just had this little inkling that it was worse than he was letting on. I mean, the lad barely seemed to have energy just to speak, and all he said it was, was a little bug? Yeah, okay, cause that's believable. But I kept my thoughts to myself and my attention on the symptoms.
Logan moved his mouth to speak but all the came out was a raspy whisper. He cleared his throat and tried again, "What're you doing here?" For some reason I felt a bit shocked that he asked me that. It wasn't so much the question, really, but the way he said it. I was sure he didn't intend it to sound the way it did; like he didn't want me here, like he was pissed off that I'd dropped by. Or maybe I just hoped he didn't intend it.
"Uh, I- I forgot it was a school day. I don't know, I was talking to Alex yesterday and I said some shit and it got me thinking and I can't stop thinking about it. I mean, I've been wanting to talk to you about something for ages, just don't really know how to say it and-"
"Ash," he interjected. "Can you just get to the point?"
"Oh, right, yeah. Sure. Absolutely. I've completely forgotten what I was going to say." I lied. I just didn't have the fuckin' balls to spill my heart out to the guy. Besides, by the way he sounded when he asked me why I was here, I don't think he really wanted to hear what I'd had to say anyway. Or cared. Another attempt at explaining my feelings failed, then. What a surprise.
I hadn't noticed that my gaze had dropped to stare at my hands, resting in my lap, but when I looked back up at Logan I found his eyes boring into my chest. His eyebrows rose in sync with each other, eyes squinting like he was trying to get a better view at whatever it was he was so interested in.
"New clothes?" I stared down at my jumper, realising I'd thrown on the same clothes I was wearing yesterday. I looked back up at Logan, nodding.
"They're nice."
"Yeah, Nate bought me them." I immediately wanted to grab a gun and shoot myself in the head as I registered the words I'd just let slip. I never wanted to tell Logan that Nate had bought me clothes and I'd accepted them, especially not for the fact that not long back he'd offered me clothes and I'd turned him down. But in a sense it was different, because whereas Nate had bought the clothes for me, Logan had offered me his own. It wouldn't be right to take someone else's stuff, would it?
"Nate?" I wish I hadn't noticed the hurt hidden inside Logan's tone, wish I'd just completely blanked it out and concentrated on explaining myself without feeling guilty. I shouldn't feel guilty, I didn't exactly have a choice. Nate bought them for me, I couldn't be ungrateful and say no. Shit.
"Yeah." I kept my eyes trained on my hands, that were now nervously digging their nails into the opposite palm. "He bought them me, I didn't ask for them."
"Hm. Good for you." I winced at the spite in his voice, scrunching my eyes shut, not wanting to see the look on his face in case he was glaring at me with hate. Which was one of the reasons his next words surprised me. "Could you- Ash, could you just lie with me, today?" I slowly un-scrunched my eyes and glanced up at him warily, finding his eyes fluttering sleepily. I nodded, crawling up the bed and slipping underneath the duvet, next to him.
"Oh, wait." I said, climbing back out of bed and heading over to Logan's drawers.
"What're you, wait, what're you doing?" His voice suddenly became panicked, and I spun around to silently ask what the problem was, and then remembered that day he hid that piece of paper, or note, in the top drawer. I didn't know if that was what he was panicking about, but it was what I decided to assume was the reason.
"I'm not gonna go in the top drawers, if that's what you're wondering." I said, turning back around and rummaging through the lower drawers before finding what I wanted. Pulling the jumper out, I quickly stripped myself of my clothes, only leaving myself in my boxers, and pulled the black jumper over my head. To be completely honest, it felt much better to be in Logan's clothes than any of my others. It felt right. Just like it felt whenever I was with Logan.
I settled myself back underneath the duvet. Logan rearranged the pillows so that we could lay down, both of us on our sides, facing each other. It was only then that I noticed the glistening of moisture in his eyes, like he was about to cry or had been crying before I arrived. The area beneath his eyes were dark, with a hint of red as if he'd been rubbing at them.
"Logan, are you okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be okay?" He tugged the duvet further up, holding it tightly against him. I sought out his hand with mine, fighting for his hold against the duvet which he had his fist balled into. I won, but I didn't feel satisfied. It didn't feel like he really wanted to hold my hand, but not in a way where he was repulsed by it. More like he was unsure if he should be doing it or not.
"You're acting different today, is all."
"I know, I'm sorry. Just not feeling well." I nodded in understanding. "Anyway, how come you're...wearing my jumper?" He wasn't able to hold back the slight curve of his lips as he spoke.
"Cause you have great style. I think I'm gonna have to confiscate this jumper on the law that you're way too nerdy for a jumper this sexy."
"Babe, think you got that the wrong way round. I'm way too sexy for a jumper that nerdy." He chuckled gently.
"I'll ignore the fact that you just called me babe if you let me have it." A grin stretched my lips from corner to corner, what contributed to that was the fact that Logan's grip on my hand grew tighter and less uncertain.
"Oh shut up, you love it when I call you babe."
"First time you've called me it, if I recall." I licked my lips, eyes connecting with his. "But I guess it's not exactly painful to hear."
"You know what, I'll make you a deal." I nodded for him to continue. "You can have that jumper...in exchange for a kiss."
"Deal." At that, we both leaned forward, lips pressing together in a closed-mouth kiss that soon started to get a little bit carried away. I couldn't describe how much I wanted to be closer to Logan right at that moment. To tell the space between us to go fuck itself. I needed to be closer to him, to get rid of the clothes and the air and everything. To let it just be me and Logan, to be as close as was possible.
When Logan pulled away, breath hot against my face as he tried to catch it, I only wanted him to lean back in and never stop. But it was as if that kiss had taken all the energy out of him and he needed a moment to gather just a little bit of strength. I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't about to have another amazing make-out session, and instead decided to start up the conversation again so I could distract myself from wanting to just-
PG thoughts, Ash. PG thoughts, PG thoughts...
I cleared my throat, clearing my mind along with it. "You know I'd have taken the jumper anyway, right?" I joked, smiling. He returned the smile weakly, but I could tell he was making an effort to pull it off. "And you know that if you wanted a kiss, you could have just asked- in fact, you wouldn't even have needed to ask."
"I'll definitely be keeping that in mind for later on." He said, huffing out a small laugh. His eyes looked up at me, fluttering open and closed.
"You're tired." He nodded once, letting his eyes fall shut. He shuffled closer, his forehead resting against my chest. I rested my chin atop of his head and whispered into his hair, "I'll still be here when you wake up." Before letting my eyes slide shut too, my arms wrapped tightly around him.
I heard a small murmur and the rumble of his chest as he spoke, but couldn't hear the words as they were muffled in the material of the jumper I wore. I found myself too tired to ask him what he said, and ended up falling asleep not long after.