"Good morning, Miss Wilson." I said, in my best british accent, thinking that manners might distract her from my visible nudity.
She didn't say anything. Her pupils dilated as wide as the Grand Canyon and her mouth was wide open in a big 'O'. Her jaw was moving but no sound came out of her mouth.
"Well, if you'll excuse me, Miss Wilson. I have to be on my way." I said, placing a hand on her shoulder.
That was it for her.
The color drained from her face and her eyes were abruptly closed. She had fainted, I took her in my arms before she could fall on the hard asphalt.
Great.
Naked in only a towel, in the middle of the street, holding an unconscious old lady was just how I wanted to start my morning.
Thankfully for me, my morning decided to become even better. A familiar siren rang through the air, blaring at full volume. Crap.
A police car was advancing towards me, the siren growing louder and louder by the second.
Right when I came in direct view of the car, my towel slipped down. I struggled to keep myself covered, trying to keep Miss Wilson in my arms at the same moment. I was panicking. I told myself to breathe. I told myself not to look at the woman in the police car, staring at me as if I had spontaneously sprouted horns.
The officer parked the freaking car.
I sighed.
I knew what was going to happen now.
"Can I help you?" She asked, walking towards me. I had managed to cover my modesty in the time it took her to park the car.
"Yes, actually. This lady here fainted, she needs medical assistance."
"Yes, I can see that. Sir, why don't you put some clothes on?"
"Um...I don't have any with me."
"You do realize that from my point of view, this looks really bad."
"Yes, yes, I do."
I wanted to scream.
"You're going to have to come to the station with me, Sir." She said. "As for the old lady, an ambulance will be here shortly."
An ambulance came and took Miss Wilson away. The officer handcuffed me and chucked me in the backseat of her vehicle.
I suddenly remembered. I hadn't had my coffee today. That was probably the worst thing that had happened to me today. I missed the taste of coffee, badly. This was a travesty!
I wondered how downhill my day could go from here.
**************************
I had never been to a police station once in my life. My sole source of knowledge in these matters was Brooklyn Nine-Nine. The show was fairly accurate. The station wasn't as neat as the show showcased but it was similar in the way that Garfield was similar to a real cat: very vaguely.
I felt all pairs of eyes trained on me. I wondered why.
Then I looked down. Oh, I was still in a towel.
"Sir, you are going to have to give a fine of a thousand dollars." The officer said, writing me a ticket. "Are you able to pay the fine in your current state?"
"Well, obviously I am not carrying my wallet. You saw that, I presume."
The officer cleared her throat, admitting to nothing. "I will not honor that sentence with an answer. However, until you are able to pay the fine, you will have to stay here. You get one call, choose wisely."
She gestured towards a telephone. A FREAKING TELEPHONE! I forgot that these things existed, I hadn't seen one in such a long time that I stared at it, thoroughly fascinated. I must have stared for a second too long because the officer cleared her throat.
"We haven't got all day." In other words she meant, 'move your butt'.
Right.
I picked it up and without thinking called Jane. At first, there was a whole lot of ringing. I felt my heart sink, what if she was still hungover and didn't pick up.
It seemed that I was right about the first part.
She picked up after what seemed like an eternity, She answered quite eloquently "Piss off!"
"Jane, Jane, JANE, JANE! Wait! I am stuck in deep crap. I am in the downtown police station for indecent exposure. Can you come here and get me out of here?" I said, trying not to sound desperate. The thing about trying not to sound desperate while you are desperate is that you sound even more desperate than you are.
"TETRIS! You! WHAT! Hold up, I am coming. I am coming. Talk about ways to get someone out of bed." Her voice faded into an indistinct string of curses and she hung up.
The officer cocked an eyebrow at me. "Ready for your temporary home?"
"Yep." I said, trying my best not to fidget.
They took me into a cell which thankfully did not contain any towel-clad guys but did contain muscular, tattooed men. Their eyes took me in, from my toes to my face, I felt like I was being scanned. I tried to stand as rigid as possible, trying my best to look formidable.
My efforts were in vain. They burst out laughing the moment they saw me.
"Is this a joke?" A particularly jacked man asked me.
"Yep, man. Dude, are you a stripper?"
Ah I wished.
"Nope, sadly, no." I replied, making sure the towel was still there.
"Damn, man. What the hell were you doing?"
"Ah running around in a towel on the street, you know, the usual." I said. I had devised a plan. If I tried to sound cool, they would think I am cool and maybe not punch me in the face.
"Damn, dude. Who were you trying to prank?" Another man asked.
"An old lady." I said, thinking of poor Miss Wilson.
"Old ladies! Man, you are funnier than I thought." The man replied. I nodded, trying to give them an I-am-cooler-than-thou-but-we-cool look. I am sure I managed to look exactly like a constipated sheep.
"What are you all in for?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"Robbery."
"Pick-pocketing."
"Homicide."
The color drained from my face. Homicide....
I tried my best to stifle the scream which was desperately trying to leave my throat.
"Cool. Cool, cool, cool." I said, looking at the wall.
"You think me being here is cool, man? I'd rather be out there, having a burger." The burliest man said, taking a step towards me. Oh no. I took a step backwards.
I could see his pectorals move up and down, as if they were breathing heavily with anger.
"No, no, no. That's not what I meant."
"Did you mean Homicide is cool? Cause if you think that, you and I have some problems man."
"No, no, no" I mumbled, taking another step back.
I was now standing up against the wall and the jacked mountain was standing like another wall in front of me. There was no escape. I took in a deep breath.
"Then, what the hell did you mean, man? I have got a temper on me, don't you test me."
"I meant, you are cool." I said, closing my eyes, ready for the punch that I knew was coming.
Instead what I got was a hug. A tight, comforting hug.
"Awww, man. No one has ever said that to me before, thank you, man." He said, holding me. My eyes widened and my arms just remained limp at my sides.
"Won't you hug me back?" He said, his voice rising. Immediately I hugged him back, I could practically feel all his muscles digging into my chest like daggers. He truly was jacked.
He let go, giving me a toothed grin. "Ya cool too." He said. I smiled, then stopped smiling. Should I be smiling? Okay, I should. I smiled a little bit, but I am sure it looked forced.
"So you a Manchester fan or Liverpool fan?" The man asked. I was taken aback. I didn't know anything about football.
"Eh, I don't like football." I said, before I could think better of it.
Note to self: Think and then speak. Particularly when speaking to alleged murderers who are ten times your size.
"WHAT?" The man exclaimed and before I knew it, his fist was inches away from my face and everything went black. I woke up feeling as if someone had tried to rip half my face off. I opened my eyes, wincing.
Where was I again? Yes, on the floor. Another floor. This one was smellier but there was no underwear in sight.
I rose to my feet, unceremoniously and realized I was still in the cell. The burly man was looking at me with tears in his eyes.
"Man, are you okay? I am sorry, I told ya I have a bad temper. I am sorry."
"It's okay." I said, trying to touch my face. It felt numb. As I touched it, I bit back the tears that threatened to come out. Man, I am sure that it was bruised.
He tried to come near me, probably to hug me but I waved him off. I patted his back, looking out of the cell, desperate for someone to come and get me. I wanted to scream but instead I was patting the back of a crying man who may or may not have committed homicide.
I heard the jingling of keys. There she was, my angel in blue, the officer from before.
"Towel guy, time to go." She said, gesturing towards the door. I almost dropped my towel again with how fast I ran.
"What happened to your face?" She said, wincing just by looking at it.
"Ah, this is what I get for not liking football." I told her, running out of there before the burly guy decided to drop in a second punch.
Out at the station, Jane stared at me. From my towel to my bruised face, I watched a sea of emotions pass her face as she took everything in.
"Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What the hell happened to you, Casanova?" She said, she seemed to be struggling between the urge to laugh and the urge to be worried.
"Everything." I told her, my voice growing tired. My eyes widened. "Crap, Ruth...the files. Take me home, Jane or I will also be dead by tomorrow and everything will have truly happened to me."
She grinned. "You got it, Tetris."