A kiss. Only a kiss. That was all it was. I was tipsy and never had a kiss before so that must be why I liked it. Maybe you felt like this with every kiss but the special one with someone you love was even better. Not that that felt possible at the moment.
I spent all weekend going through the week in my mind, re-enterpreting everything between me and Star. Did I give off the wrong signals, did I feel anything I hadn't realised at the time, did anything mean more than it should have to me? The list went on.
Needless to say, I couldn't speak to him after that. I ran for ages and made my way back to everyone a little while after the parents arrived. When they did, I stuck like them to glue and avoided conversation with Star whenever I could. He was doing the same so it wasn't hard.
He tried coming over on the saturday but I told my mom I wasn't feeling well and she sent him away. He had left his contact details with her to pass on but I threw them straight in the bin. I didn't want to speak to him again. I had gone through all the stages of grief it seemed. Anger started the minute I got the note. I had been in denial until then, like at the beach, and had felt the loss of the friendship which was why I shut myself away.
I was currently at the bargaining stage, trying to rationalise all of this. Could I pretend the kiss never happened, or his emotional outburst afterwards, and still be his friend? Could I not be gay if I never spoke to him again? So many questions.
I was not looking forward to the depression stage, but I was curious to see what my acceptance would be. I wanted it all over and done with. Am I gay, or just confused? I was definately confused now. I am hoping the acceptance has a friendship ending but I chucked the details away. I could always go over and ask but I am not ready to see or speak to him.
I was on the plane when depression hit me. I realised the mistake I had made of not speaking to him and sorting out what was going on. Yes, I still did not know how I felt, but talking it through may have helped. He said him being gay was a recent discovery (no thanks to me I guess), so maybe we could have worked on it together. Realisation that I would never see him again or ever be able to solve this set in.
I walked around like a zombie the rest of summer, and a little when I went back to school. But as time went on, I realised nothing could be done and slowly began to accept the situation I was in. I didn't fancy any of the guys in school, I was certain. None of the girls stuck out to me either, but I gave relationships a try anyway. I seemed to prefer them at any rate so I probably wasn't gay.
I think I had just been grieving for the loss of a wonderful friendship.