[Recap- Austin blames Jane's parents for Jaime's death. Jane wonders why is he saying things which are hurting her.]
The lake was still the same, the moon, stars and everything around me was still the same, except Austin. He looked resolute and I could barely understand why was he saying things which were supposed to hurt me. When I did not say anything, he said, "Do you think it was their fault?"
"No," I said.
"So," he said, "you think the fault is yours."
He didn't allow me to speak, held my hand and surprisingly, even though I was miffed and angry at him, I still allowed him to. "You see, it wasn't your fault. You never decide anything in this world. Everything is already written, Jane Brown. We just see ourselves fallen into the abyss sometimes and sometimes, we come in between fate's decree, carrying out something which the fate makes us do. We are more than just bodies made out of flesh and bones, Jane. We have a soul and everyone has a significance in this world, even though we might not always realise it."
Some people possess a power which can make you feel like the world is the shattering down on you, and strangely enough, the same people have the power to make you feel like there is no better feeling in this world at other times. Second side effect of love. Then, I understood why was he saying such hurtful things. To heal me in the long run.
"But... maybe, if I didn't ask him.. nothing would have happened." I said and somehow stopped the tears jutting out of my eyes. I didn't want to cry on a day which was going to be etched in my memory forever.
"I am sorry," he said, "but maybe, if you did not ask him, you wouldn't have the best day of your life and what if he met up an accident on his way back home from school. Then? Then you would have blamed yourself for not inviting him to come with you. Things are bound to happen, Jane. Trust me. If it happened, then it was bound to happen."
"The best day, which turned to the worst," I said while my throat started to get clogged up.
"He is gone now," he said while staring at our hands, holding each other and I realised that I had almost forgotten that we were doing it, "and what can you do to bring him back? If his happiness matters to you or if my happiness matters to you, please break the bars in which you've kept yourself in because that is the only thing that will bring him happiness from wherever he is watching you."
As his words echoed in my head, I refrained from speaking because I was just trying to observe the depth in his words and finally, I nodded.
"Do you think there exists a perfect day?" I asked him. I saw a couple of ducks around us, staring right at us and I wondered how did I not notice them before.
"Well, I'll need to think about it." He started to move the boat and in the midst, I tried to glance at Oscar and he was sitting there, exactly where he was told to and I couldn't help but wish that I could give him a little more time than I used to in the previous days.
"What about you?" He asked as I watched his muscles flex while he drove the boat ahead.
"No.. I don't think there exists a perfect day," I said after taking my time to answer.
"And why do you think that?"
"I am not sure if you'll like to hear my philosophy."
"Music."
"Music?"
"Everything which comes out of your mouth is music to me," he said as I noticed a smile cropping up on my face.
"Don't you think there are better things which could have been done even in your beautiful days?"
"Explain." He smirked.
"Let's say we spent a beautiful day in London where we did everything we want. Don't you think it would have been way better in a place like... Rome..
Or Barcelona?"
"And what if we spent the day in Rome.. Or Barcelona?"
"That's what the trick is. Maybe, we could have enjoyed more at a hill station or the mountains and I know what your next question is. The possibilities of doing better things are endless and till that possibility exists, there cannot be a perfect day because not being the best is a flaw."
I waited for him to speak, but he didn't say anything, just carried a smirk as if it was trying to say, "I'll prove that you are wrong."
As we roared through different parts of the lake, for some time, all we did was to just look at each other and look away when it got a little awkward. "What is going to be your second wish?" I said and for a moment and he looked dubious and then said, "Is everything between you and Susan okay now?"
"Well, you were supposed to reply."
"And so were you." Ugh.
"It.." and before I could say another word, he said, "I know you aren't fine and I know it got worse."
"Then why did you ask and how do you know?"
"You've been worried for the whole time. You have my shoulder and, you know, you can say everything you want."
And I noticed, we were getting close to the shore. And then, I felt the tsunami of guilt flowing within me. I touched the water and I trembled. It had exceeded my expectations by a mile.
"I am sorry," I said. He stopped the boat and stared at me as my heart thumped.
"Sorry for?"
"I don't want to hurt you, but you know that's what comes with me. I didn't come here to be with you, Austin."
He was staring at his laps when I spoke. "Then?" He said.
"I am sorry. I only came here so that...
So that I could go and meet Susan and maybe, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been here."
He didn't speak. He kept moving towards the shore and once again, I was perplexed. The tsunami of guilt within me was now taking the form of tears, but I didn't let them out. And when we were there, he got on the ground and then pulled the boat closer to him as well. He was still for a moment. Still nothing had been spoken and I felt that it was over and I knew I didn't deserve someone like him and in the midst of my anguish, a tear came down on my face, finally, followed by some more and I closed my eyes.
"It's okay," he said. He wiped the tears off my face when I opened my eyes.
"No, it is not." I couldn't muster up the courage to look into his eyes.
"The thing which matters is that you are here with me and we are having a good time, don't we?"
"I should have told you before."
"It is never too late," he said.
"What are you made of?" I said, looking at the grass on the ground while, 'it is never too late' echoed in my brain.
10:30 PM. Car. Front seat.
Still nervous, but this time the nervousness was far more. The letter was still there, still coming out of my pocket and I couldn't make out what was the perfect time to give it to him and I knew that when the letter would be with him, I would just keep reading the copy I had over and over again.
"What are your dreams?" It was surprising that I had to start the conversation.
"Dreams don't really come true."
"Well, they do."
"Then they are unfair to me," he said, "What has got the privilege to be in your dreams?"
"I don't have a dream," I sighed, closing the window as the chilled breezes went past my hair.
"I believe you used to have dreams before.."
I wanted to say- 'I stopped seeing dreams until recently, I started dreaming to be yours' but instead, I murmured, "You were right, Austin. I am the bird whose nest is her world and she is helpless because her wings have been cut."
"Well, you know what my dreams used to be?" He said, "I wanted to be a footballer. I worked hard for it, I used to spend more time with my football than I did with everything else combined."
"How did it work out?"
"It started when I saw football for the first time. I watched it because I had nothing else to do and after some time it was everything that I wanted to do. I wanted to copy the players, I wanted to be like them and before I could realise, I had started to idolize them. My dad took me to the playground to play and he was surprised at how good I was. When I grew up, we realsied that I just wasn't good enough. I went for trials only to get rejected. I worked more on my game only to get rejected more. Rejections are hard to face, Jane."
"But you really play well."
"But not well enough."
"I refuse to believe that, but it isn't over, right?"
"It is over," he said, plucking out a strand of grass to fiddle with it, "People of my age are playing for clubs like Barcelona, but I can't even make it to the third division."
"You don't have to give up, Austin," I said.
"There's no point comforting myself with false hopes."
I knew he was right, but I refused to believe that he didn't play well. Sometimes, all you lack is luck. "Don't you have any ongoing dreams?"
"Uhm. I want the world to hear my singing and.." he said, "well, let it be.
"That's so great and say it.."
"What if I don't?"
"Then.. Then.. I won't talk to you."
"You gave me another reason to just let it be." He said like he actually meant it and then after my heart was dubious about whether it was going to break, he smiled and said, "I was obviously joking."
There was nothing obvious about it. He was one of the handful of people who even talked to me. I still maintained my silence, after all, I wasn't supposed to talk before he told me about his dreams.
"Okay, Okay. Don't laugh. I want to meet.. Messi." He covered a part of his face as if he was embarrassed and I couldn't make out what was so funny about that. If I were him, I would probably dream about the same thing.
"I'd love to meet Messi with you. When is the next match?"
He looked at me and said, "Tomorrow night. We'll watch it together."
"Visca El Barça," I said and both of us laughed.
*
While I told him the way to Susan's home, which wasn't far away from my home, he showed me the way to his house. Nervous. Every little part of me was getting filled with nervousness as we approached Susan's house. When we reached, he said, "All the best." After taking a deep breath, I knocked on the door. The sound of footsteps approached me. My intuitions weren't right and I was thinking about thousands of possibilities that could happen. When the door opened, Susan was there. Startled, frightened and inquisitive. Before she could shout at me, I entered the house quickly and closed the door. For a minute, we just looked at each other and every moment we spent together were coming in front of me and I wondered if it was the same for her.
"What do you want?" She asked finally, turning and staring away.
"Your forgiveness." I missed my legs or else I would go and hug her. The power of touch wasn't going to be mine.
"You don't even know what happened. Just go now. I don't want to talk to you." Rude.
"I am really sorry for whatever that happened."
"How can you be sorry for a thing which you don't know? Just go away now. Please."
As I went out of her house, I somehow stopped myself from crying, but then I came back to give it a try again and said, "At least tell me what has happened." And I looked at her with eyes drenched in hope.
"You really want to know?" In my life, I had never seen Susan behaving that way, behaving so rudely. Every word was shattering me down, but I thought that was what I deserved. "So listen and leave. I have loved someone. I have loved someone for more than a year, I have secretly loved someone. I haven't had a day where I could go without looking at him. I have admired him from afar and do you know who he is? I have thought about him more than I have thought about me. I don't know how will you react, but that's what you want, right?"
I nodded as my heart throbbed. My hands shivered and my fear was getting more real as I stood there, listening to her. I clenched my fist, trying not to show my emotions on my face, but I knew I was bad at that. I wore my emotions on my sleeves, my face was a reflection of my heart, but still, I tried to hide as much as I could.
"Austin."
***
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