By the time the rest of the group rejoined us, I was contemplating 25 years to life, and Jace was whacking me periodically with a magazine, for no reason other than the fact it was annoying. I had almost decided the time inside was worth it to wipe the irritating grin off his smug face when I heard a familiar voice calling out to us.
Daria and Alex found us first, as they were perpetually ten steps in front of the rest of the group, excitement making them move quicker than everyone else. Their hair was windswept and their eyes were bright. Stupid broken leg.
"You alive, Jay?" Daria asked. She ran her eyes over her friend, up and down, as if searching for a fatal wound she was sure I had inflicted upon him. It was as if my friends had no faith in me.
"For now," Jace replied, and bopped me on the head with the rolled-up magazine.
I snatched it from his hand and knocked him upside the head as hard as I possibly could. Given my weapon of choice was paper, it was not exactly a violent demonstration of my anger. "For the next thirty seconds, max. I would recommend calling your loved ones."
He looked up at Daria. "Goodbye, loved one."
I might hate Hartley—okay, I definitely hate Hartley—but his friendship with Daria was the cutest thing ever. I admired the loyalty between them, the genuine affection and sweet phrases that they shared, born simply of a long-standing platonic bond between them.
Daria looked very touched. "Aw, goodbye. Lena, please be merciful."
I shrugged. "Personally, I was thinking more Russian revolution torture methods. I'm talking sawing off limbs with blunt saws. I'm talking a stomach gnawed through by rats. I'm talking burying half his body and running him over with the cavalry."
"You pay attention in History?" asked Alex, perplexed.
"Yes, Alex," I replied patiently. Alex was not known for being a particularly diligent student, but he was surprisingly smart. He could probably kick our asses when it came to tests, if he deigned to write down answers instead of hairy dicks. "I also occasionally use the history notes you obscured with a giant penis picture yesterday. I meant to talk to you about that. Would you mind, like, not doing that again?"
"I thought it was scrap paper!'
The others finally came into view, Chance nudging Cady forward, encouraging her with words and light shoves to speed up. Kaelin was unceremoniously pulling Jonah by the ankle as he hopped along behind her.
Jonah was too focused on not tripping to look up. "Which one of them came out victorious in the vicious battle to the death? I bet it was Lena. She'd kick his ass. Hartley's got guns, but they're all show. Vanity muscles. He's a wuss."
"Thanks, Jonah," Hartley muttered. "I prefer to think of them as symbols of my virility and manliness."
Kaelin gave Jonah a brief reprieve from hopping to turn her gaze towards us. "Huh, they're both alive. But Lena has disarmed Hartley and is holding a fearsome weapon, so I suppose she wins by, like, duelling rules." Then she continued her campaign forward.
"Vanity muscles," Jonah confirmed, a second before he fell on his ass in the middle of the path. Passersby were severely unimpressed by the teenager taking a nap completely in the way of everyone else. I, personally, was extremely embarrassed for him. Jonah didn't seem to have the energy to care.
Cady grinned. "We leave no man behind!" she announced, and gently dropped onto her butt as well.
This was slightly less embarrassing given she was on the grassy area reserved for sitting and picnics, and wasn't directly in the way of foot traffic.
Kaelin nudged Jonah with her boot-clad foot. "Up you pop."
Jonah lay backward and shaded his eyes with his hand. "I'm comfortable."
"I worry about him, sometimes," Alex said, looking down at Jonah with the expression of a disappointed parent. He was tapping his chin thoughtfully. "I don't think this is healthy. He should have more energy. Does he need an energy drink or something?"
"I wish I could give him my broken leg," I said wistfully. "He'd probably appreciate my elevator access card."
Daria leaned over Jonah, and he blinked his eyes open to look up at her. She grabbed the back of his neck and pushed on the two pressure points on either side of his neck. Jonah leaped upwards faster than I'd ever seen him move in his life.
"Daria!" Jonah exclaimed.
Daria looked rather pleased with herself.
I was giggling. I rather enjoyed the sight of Jonah spurred into action by the tiny and sweet Daria. She was the antithesis of Jonah; bubbly where he was reserved, constantly moving where he was perpetually still. It was fun to see them go head to head. "That's awesome. I'm going to keep that one in mind."
Jonah rubbed the back of his neck with a small wince, as Daria patted his back apologetically. He shot me a disdainful look. "No, you're not."
"Of course not," I said innocently, but Alex winked at me, and I winked back.
Jonah narrowed his eyes at us as he moved onto the grassy area, before flopping down beside Cady on the ground. "I saw that, and I hate you both."
I couldn't help the smile that broke across my face. I loved these stupid idiots.
"What's up with that stupid smile?" Jonah asked, suspicious.
"I'm just so glad you guys are back," I said, and wrapped the nearest person, who happened to be Cady, in a grateful bear hug. "Never leave me alone with Hartley ever again."
Jace made a faint noise of protest beside me. I hit him with the magazine. He flicked my leg.
"I love the maturity that you two display all the time," said Kaelin drily. "Can I vote for you two in the upcoming elections? Would you like to do my taxes?"
I perked up. "Sure, will you pay me?"
"No need to flex your wealth and business experience, Montez," Jonah drawled. "We get it, you're an heiress."
"I prefer the term humble and generous future multi-millionaire," I said. Which wasn't exactly true. I rather liked being referred to as an heiress. It was a romantic word, something out of a novel, and I secretly enjoyed the sound of the syllables, like music or a fairy tale. Over my dead body would I reveal that to Jonah though. He'd call me an entitled brat. Which I was, just a little bit. "Speaking of, lunch number one is on me guys. Who wants dumplings?"
The group collective raised their hands—Alex letting out an emphatic whoop—save Hartley. He shrugged. "I was kind of thinking of chips?"
I eyed him with distaste. It's almost as if he thought one semi-amicable conversation warranted him any thoughts or feelings. Like, in my eyes, he now deserved rights. But he didn't seem fazed by my deadly glare.
"It's cute that you think you have an opinion. Go eat your chips, Hartley. Lunch number one for everyone but Hartley is on me!"
Daria helped me up from my seat, and I leant down on the crutches as the group made our way to the dumpling stand. Jace wandered off to go buy his chips. Kaelin moved up next to me.
"So, you didn't kill him?" she said, her voice pitched low enough so that the rest of the guys couldn't hear what she was saying. She seemed to think, judging by her suggestive tone, that the lack of murder meant something. Which it shouldn't, given that most people do not commit murder on a regular basis. I mean, while I had contemplated it regularly, I was now fifteen years sober in my quest to not be a murderer.
"Clearly," I said, waving Kaelin off. "I'm sure you're devastated. Believe me, I am too. Oh well, there's always next time."
"No, you're not devastated," said Kaelin. She winked. "You can't bang him if he's dead."
Kaelin might be my cousin—family, rather than a friend of the traditional sort—but in many ways, that made us closer. No matter how close, how long-standing, a friendship was, there was always a thing or two you couldn't quite say. An insult that would touch too deep. A truth you couldn't always share. But Kaelin was family; she was stuck with me. While the family thing might make us closer, it also meant that I was far more likely to punch her in the face. She'd forgive me for that.
Unfortunately, I was a cripple.
"You're paying for your own dumplings."
Kaelin laughed, and patted me amicably on the shoulder. "I'll steal yours. You're too crippled to chase after me and steal them back."
When we got to the front of the line, I bought Kaelin her own dumplings. I was not risking the hostile takeover of mine. Dumplings were practically my religion. I was an atheist, but the first nibble of the pork dumpling made me seriously reconsider my stance. I could support a god if they were covered in soy sauce.
"All I'm saying is that I'm seeing signs," Kaelin said, as she nibbled on the edge of her vegetarian dumpling tentatively, blowing cautiously on the steam as it rose from the hot treat. "Not civility, perhaps. But definitely please bang me vibes. You want to bang. Like a cat in heat." Then she meowed.
"Oh, God," I said, reeling back. "That was awful, never do that again."
Kaelin grimaced. "Yeah, I have regrets. But the sentiment stands."
The worst part was she didn't even seem to be joking. She was teasing, but the kind of teasing with an element of truth in it. Not the truth of the facts, obviously, but a conviction of her beliefs. She believed I was into Hartley. Gag.
"Hey, Lena!" Jace called from behind me. He caught up to us, pushing his way between Kaelin and me with a grin.
He plucked a chip from the tray they were lying in with careful consideration. I didn't register what his plans were until far too late. A second later, there was a chip in my hair. It was still hot. And covered in sauce.
"And vengeance is mine," said Jace in a deadpan tone, as if revenge were a joke. "You cannot escape my wrath."
I pulled it out of my hair and smushed it against his face before he could escape. "You bitch!" I said.
Yeah, the brief spell of camaraderie was definitely over. I was as attracted to Hartley as I was to Kevin Malone from the Office. I wasn't going to bang him; I was going to crush him. In a non-sexual way.