#HHFM Chapter 07:
Massage
* * *
"Move it a little to the left—ang sabi ko, left, Finnigan!"
I tried to hold back my laughter as I watched Ryo's parents setting up the Christmas tree. Two of their househelps were helping them as they tried to put up the huge tree beside their grand staircase. I wanted to help but Tita Rayi's already arguing with me when I merely touched the pack of Christmas balls.
It would not be tiresome, but maybe it was my 18-week big tummy that makes them worry too much. Sabi nga ni Ryo ay hindi naman daw ako masyadong tumataba, but my baby bump looked huge already. Kinatatakot niya rin na baka raw kapag lumaki pa ay matanggal iyon sa akin at bumagsak sa bigat dahil hindi raw gaanong malaki ang katawan ko para dito.
Ryo's been busy since the day he got drafted. For three weeks, he had been beating himself up, practicing all day, and he would go home so late. Pinagagalitan siya ni Tita dahil halos matulog na nga lang daw ang gawin niya sa bahay. He said it's difficult to adjust to new teammates, so he had to make extra effort.
Lagi siyang mukhang pagod tuwing uuwi. Whenever he would check up on me, I would always notice his eyebags and the tired slump of his shoulders. I made sure not to bother him whenever my late-night cravings would kick in. Sigurado kasi akong bagsak siya sa kama niya at ayaw ko namang makaabala sa tanging oras ng pahinga niya.
I wasn't sure whether he took the two-year contract or he settled for a short-term per-cup option. Ngunit base sa pagkakakilala ko sa kaniya, he probably chose the latter even if I didn't agree to it. Hindi naman iyon nakikinig.
Sa office, hindi na rin sikreto ang pagbubuntis ko. No matter how big of a coat I would wear, the baby bump kept on showing. So, my co-workers had always been extra careful with me since they knew about it, as if it would hurt my wrists and fingers when I type or it would affect the baby. Siyempre, may mga nagtanong din tungkol sa tatay, but I always answered them with a smile or a shrug. Thankfully, they got the idea that I didn't want to share it with them so no one bothered to ask me again. The perk of being pregnant is that every Monday, someone would always bring me a bowl of fruits. Hindi ko alam kung pinag-usapan ba iyon ng mga ka-team ko kung sino ang magdadala every week pero laging mayroon.
Nate knows. Hindi ko alam kung preoccupied lang ba siya masyado sa December issue namin kaya hindi niya masyadong inuusisa, o sadyang ayaw niya lang ding makialam. Nothing changed, except sa hindi na niya ako inaalok ng kapeng dala niya tuwing umaga. Normal pa rin naman ang pakitutungo niya sa akin, though I would catch him looking at my baby bump sometimes. He wouldn't just say anything.
Feeling ko, may pakiramdam siyang si Ryo ang ama ng dinadala ko. He's aware that Ryo's the only boyfriend I had since college. I appreciated him for not asking, though. Last week, he even brought a bag of grapes to my work desk. Ryo kept on murdering the innocent fruit I was eating with his glares while we were on our way home.
"Alis na kami, 'My." I fought the urge to smile when Ryo kissed Tita's cheek. We're going to the doctor today. At kahit na halata ko ang antok sa mga mata niya at bahagyang pagngiwi sa sakit ng katawan ay kita ko rin na mas magaan ang pakiramdam niya ngayon. I had thoughts of going to the checkup alone, but I figured that he would be mad if I did, so I didn't go with the idea. Mukha ngang tamang desisyon iyon dahil kahit paano ay nagmukha siyang tao ngayon. Nasasanay na yata ang mata ko na lagi siyang mukhang pagod at wala sa mood. It's nice seeing him in a better mood.
"Pustahan tayo," aniya habang naglalakad kami papunta sa sasakyan niya. His hands kept on doing little rubs on my lower back, a habit that he formed for the past weeks.
"Wala akong pamusta," I replied. My dry response earned me a grin from him, which I haven't seen for three whole weeks.
"Sino kaya'ng kamukha niyan?" he asked, throwing a glance on my bump. He opened the car door for me and didn't leave the passenger side until I was already comfortable on my seat.
"Ayaw mo bang kamukha ko?" tanong ko pagkapasok niya sa sasakyan. The thought automatically made me frown, and maybe I'm extra sensitive because I used to not care about what people would say about how I look.
When we were in college, I was always against the idea of PDA. Walang nagawa si Ryo roon pero siyempre, minsan ay nakalilimot din ako. A few of our schoolmates had seen us together, but Ryo never said anything about it, respecting my decision to keep our relationship private. Hindi naman nakatakas sa akin ang ibang naghihinala na nagsabing bakit daw ako ang g-in-irlfriend kung maraming mas maganda. I wanted to fire back and tell them that it was Ryo who asked for my number first, who made the first move, and who was the desperate one to have me, but I kept it all to myself. I believed that those would only be a waste of my time and my energy.
"Magagalit ka na naman e," aniya, napakakamot sa batok. "Wala naman akong sinabing gano'n," pabulong-bulong niyang dagdag.
I ignored him. The ultrasound wouldn't show our baby's face, anyway.
Wala sa aming dalawa ang may gusto ng pa-thrill. So the idea of making Dra. Dael giving us something pink or blue to reveal the baby's gender, which they usually do per patients' requests, was already off the list. Parehas naming gustong marinig nang deretso iyon. Ryo was thinking of doing a gender reveal party for Tita though, because she's a fan of events.
I haven't told my parents about my pregnancy yet. I planned to call them anytime this week, since baka hindi ako makauwi sa bahay para sa Pasko at Bagong Taon. A part of me wanted to tell them about my pregnancy via video call, pero kinakabahan kasi ako sa magiging reaksiyon nila. Both of them would be so shocked.
Okay lang sana kung wala silang kayang gawin at hihintayin lang nila akong umuwi roon, pero iyong bigla silang susugod sa bahay nina Ryo? That would be a disaster. They're aware of our split up, though we never really talked about it because I preferred to bury that thing away. Kung pupunta si Tatay rito na may dalang bolo at ang bibig niya ay hindi titigil sa pananakot kay Ryo . . . hindi ko ma-imagine. Unang meet-the-parents iyon at mukhang magkakagalitan agad.
The ultrasound was pretty quick. The gel felt cold against my belly. Si Ryo ay nasa isang gilid at panay ang lakad. Iyong apat na tiles na nilalakaran niya ay puno na yata ng shoe prints dahil sa di-mapakaling kakapabalik-balik niya na para bang manganganak na ako. I couldn't even crane my neck to the monitor dahil nababahala ako sa kilos ni Ryo.
"Do you want to know? Right now na?" Dra. Dael's face crinkled in delight. My eyes widened a fraction as my heart swelled with anticipation. Ryo immediately stopped walking in circles. Agad siyang lumapit sa tabi ko. Both of us looked at the monitor, na wala naman kaming naiintindihan bukod sa alam naming anak namin ang naroon. The small blob of life inside me looked like it's starting to gain its form.
"It's a boy!" excited na sambit ng sonographer. Dra. Dael clapped her hands at ako naman ay parang nasa alapaap pa at hindi agad iyon naproseso.
When it finally sank in me that I had been carrying a baby boy who would probably be Ryo's mini version, a pang of excitement ran up my spine. I looked at Ryo to see his reaction. Para siyang na-estatwa sa puwesto niya at nanatiling nakapako ang tingin sa monitor. It took him a few more seconds before his muscles started to loosen up. Bahagya siyang napasubsob sa may tuktok ng ulo ko at narinig kong napatawa.
The mere sound of his light chuckles made me smile. Siya nga yata ang pinaglilihian ko. When he lifted his head, I noticed how glossy his eyes were. Saglit siyang umalis sa puwesto niya at tumingala.
When we got home, sinalubong kami ng walang humpay na pagtatanong ni Raianne kung lalaki o babae raw ba ang magiging pamangkin niya. She bombarded Ryo with her questions, then she turned to me dahil panay ang pande-dedma sa kaniya ng kapatid niya. I wanted to tell her but it seemed like Ryo's planning something so I didn't. O baka sadyang gusto lang niyang pag-trip-an si Rai.
"Ano'ng mauuna? Graduation ko or delivery ni Ate?" tanong niya kay Ryo. He just snorted before reaching for her nose, pinching it hard. Bahagya akong napangiwi sa lakas ng itinili ni Rai dahil doon.
"Si Ate Frankie mo, kahit ano'ng mangyari, manganganak 'yan. E, ikaw? Ga-graduate ka ba?" tanong niya at malakas na napatawa.
Raianne smacked his arm before going back to my side, linking arms with me. Ilang taon na nga ulit ang mga ito? Raianne's just a few months younger than me and Ryo's a year older but they act like kids.
Nang si Tita na ang nagtanong e hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Kahit yata ayaw kong sabihin ay mapapasabi ako dahil sa takot sa kaniya. Ryo kept on entertaining his mother, helping her with the Christmas decors, kaya na-distract si Tita sa pagtatanong. Baka nga wala siyang balak sabihin kahit kanina. Surprise na lang, ganoon.
"Umakyat ka na, wala ka namang gagawin dito e," Ryo said before handing me a bowl of grapes.
Napadadalas yata ang ubas dito sa bahay. I was starting to think that the reason was Nate, and Ryo's competitive ass just wouldn't let it pass. "O kung gusto mo, do'n ka sa salas. 'Wag ka ngang pakalat-kalat."
Hinayaan ko siyang mag-attitude. It's better than him being silent everyday. I wanted to ask him about his upcoming game, pero baka ayaw niyang pag-usapan. Maybe he's having a hard time adjusting to his professional basketball career. Okay na rin itong kahit paano ay distracted siya roon. I shouldn't bring it up.
I went to my room and changed into a house dress. I stacked my pillows on one side of the bed, then I grabbed my laptop before stretching my legs on the mattress. I thought that morning sickness was the worst part of being pregnant, but I was wrong. I hated the cramps the most.
Nag-text muna ako kay Louie, iyong anak ng kapitbahay namin. He's only 17, but he's been Tatay's helper since two years ago. Usually, none of my parents would be on their phones, and they would always refuse to know how social media works no matter how much I tried to teach them. Madalas ay kay Louie ako nagtatanong kung ano ang ginagawa nina Nanay bago ako tumawag.
When Louie replied that Tatay already took a break from working on his customized dining table set project and rushed inside our house, I booted up my laptop. I checked my reflection on the screen before setting it up for the video call. Halata namang nanaba talaga ako, lalo na sigurong mapapansin iyon nina Nanay dahil hindi nila ako nakikita lagi. My fingers got cold, even colder when they touched the keyboard. Masyado ba nilang mahahalata? Will Nanay's maternal instinct work?
My worries were washed away when I saw Tatay's face up close. The camera shook a bit before they settled it on something stable, probably the dining table. Abala si Nanay sa paghihiwalay ng dahon ng malunggay sa tangkay. Tatay's sitting beside her.
"Parang ang ganda mo ngayon, a!" Natawa na lang ako sa sinabi ni Tatay. Walang kupas ang linya niyang iyon at lagi niyang sinasabi kada magsisimula kami ng tawag.
I asked him about the current dining set he's working on. Si Nanay ay nanatiling abala at sumusulyap-sulyap lang sa screen paminsan-minsan. Tatay was ranting about the delay of the supplier of paint and varnish when Nanay cut him off.
"Parang nananaba ka, Ceskang," aniya. I froze. Naisip ko na ring paano kaya kung magpanggap na lang akong nag-hang at patayin ang tawag.
"Masarap kumain, 'Nay," sabi ko na lang habang patuloy na nag-iisip kung aamin na ba ako o hindi. They need to know, right? But I'm scared. Iniisip ko na lang din na kapag nandiyan na ang apo nila, hindi na sila magagalit—at least for Nanay. Si Tatay, mababawasan kahit paano ang inis niya kay Ryo kasi may distraction.
"A, gano'n ba? Bumibilog kasi ang pisngi mo," komento pa niya. "Kailan ang bakasyon ninyo?"
I clicked my tongue. I wouldn't be able to go home for the holidays. Una, sobrang layo, baka sumama ang pakiramdam ko. Pangalawa, hindi pa ako handang i-announce itong pagbubuntis ko. If I were to go there with Ryo, it would really be a mess. And I'm sure as hell that it would be. Kapag naman hindi ko isinama si Ryo, baka lalo lang magalit si Tatay at akusahan niya na tinakbuhan ako. Wala akong paglagyan.
Nagpalambing muna ako ng boses bago unti-unting sinaling ang topic na hindi ako makauuwi. I promised to wire them money para makapaghanda sila nang marami-rami, total ay nakaiipon ako nang maayos dahil wala akong ginagastos. Hindi rin naman sila masyadong magiging malungkot doon dahil sama-sama kung mag-celebrate ang magkakapitbahay. Tatay understood but he was against the idea of me sending them money. Si Nanay ay bahagya yatang dinamdam iyon dahil noong January pa ang huli kong uwi.
Hindi ko ma-imagine kung ano ang magiging reaksiyon nila pag-uwi ko. I'm already counting the weeks kung kailan ako puwedeng umuwi. It's not safe for newborn babies to travel, so I would have to wait a few more days before going home. Dapat ba ay sabihin ko muna sa kanila bago ako umuwi? O magkagulatan na lang kami?
The video call ended with Tatay's and my unfinished argument about the money. Okay naman sila roon, but they could live a better life if they would at least let me provide for them. I closed my laptop and put it on my bedside table. Kasabay n'on ang pagkatok sa pinto at tinatamad naman akong bumangon dahil sa ganda na ng naging puwesto ko sa kama.
"Pasok!" I exclaimed.
Ryo came in, holding another huge bowl of mixed fruits. May Christmas garland pang nakasabit sa leeg niya.
"O, kain," aniya, at pinalitan ang hawak kong mangkok na wala nang laman. "Para kang embudo, e."
I glared at him. Inangat niya ang isang kilay. "Ikaw 'yung nagpapakain nang nagpapakain, inuubos ko lang."
He snickered and sat on the edge of my bed. He removed the silver garland around his neck and tossed it on the floor. Inipod ko ang paa ko nang biglaan siyang humiga sa dulo ng kama ko.
"Get up, Ryo. 'Wag ka riyan," sita ko sa kaniya.
"Bakit ba? Nakikihiga lang e," he said with his eyes glued on the ceiling.
"Baka masilipan mo 'ko. Umalis ka riyan," mariin kong sabi. I grabbed a pillow from behind me and smacked it on his face kaya napaupo siya agad.
He gasped with his face contorted in irritation. His ears looked like they were on fire, and his eyes had embarrassment painted all over them. "Hindi ako gano'n!" pagtatanggol niya sa sarili. I rolled my eyes and snatched my pillow back.
"Hey," I called when he stood up and picked up the garland on the floor. Nilingon niya ako nang salubong na ang kilay.
"Sasama ka ba sa 'kin 'pag umuwi ako sa 'min?" I asked, and his forehead creased even more. I looked away. Hindi naman 'yon required dahil break na kami pero . . . basta! Ang gulo! "I mean, my parents have to know that they have an apo. Gusto ko namang makilala agad nila 'yung bata. Hindi naman kita kailangang dalhin do—"
"Sasama ako," he cut me off. Tumaas ang isa niyang kilay sa akin na parang hindi makapaniwala na tinanong ko pa iyon sa kaniya. "Siyempre, sasamahan ko kayo," he shook his head in disbelief. "Kumain ka na nga lang diyan. Ang obvious-obvious ng sagot, tinatanong mo pa," masungit niyang sabi bago halos padabog na lumabas.
* * *
I felt like melting on the spot. My knees finally gave in, and I sat on the side of my bed. Nakatutok pa rin ang tingin ko sa TV at kahit na hindi naman ako naglaro ay parang napagod din ako. I picked up the remote control and turned the TV off. That . . . was exhausting to watch.
I couldn't take the words thrown at Ryo. Sigurado akong mamaya pag-uwi niya ay magkukulong iyon sa kuwarto. Playing basketball is his favorite thing to do in the world, and he takes comments about his few mistakes so badly. Dinaramdam niya talaga iyon na minsan kahit ako ay hindi niya makausap.
They won, fortunately, but the gap was only two points. And as someone who works closely in the media industry, paniguradong ang mapapansin nila ay ang maliit na agwat na iyon. No, the media wouldn't care that the team still won. What they would write about is how small and disappointing the gap is. The expectations they had for the rookies failed them. Lalo na kay Ryo na may pangalan na kahit papaano.
Goodness. I just hope he will be fine after all those fouls. I know how he looks when he's frustrated. I hope he gets used to his new environment ASAP, or else it would burn him out quickly.
I went outside. Pakiramdam ko, sinasakal ako sa kuwarto. Watching that game was more stressful than dealing with the pending articles and cover design for the December issue. I rested my hand on my belly, calming myself down.
Si Tita lang ang nasa salas na nanonood. I could hear her insulting whoever is reporting about the summary of the game. She believes that the only one who's allowed to badmouth her son is her.
I sat on their outdoor hanging chair. For sure, mamaya pa uuwi si Ryo, but I still wanted to wait outside. Besides, their lush garden is a better view than the plain walls of my room.
I ended up going back inside because of hunger. One of their househelps sliced the apples for me kahit na sinabi kong ako na. It's almost time for dinner but Ryo and Tito were still nowhere to be found.
Plano kong sa labas iyon kainin. Nasa pintuan ako nang marinig ang tunog ng makina ng sasakyan. Saglit akong napatigil, then I rushed outside and saw Tito getting out of the car, carrying a huge gym bag. Napatingkayad ako nang marinig na may nagsara ng pinto sa kabilang banda.
There, I saw Ryo. The disappointed slump of his shoulders is starting to grow familiar to me. Such an eyesore. Hawak-hawak niya sa isang kamay ang lukot na lukot na tetrapack ng juice. His eyes were sealed on the ground, and his lips were tucked in a slight frown.
Bumati muna ako kay Tito bago mabilis na naglakad papunta sa kaniya. He lazily lifted his gaze at me. Saka naman umarangkada ang kaba sa akin dahil ano ba ang sasabihin ko?
Bakit ba ako lumapit?
"Gusto mo?" iyon agad ang unang lumabas sa bibig ko. I showed him the bowl of sliced apples. His lips twisted before he stood up properly, grabbed a slice, and popped it in his mouth. Sinabayan ko siya sa paglalakad papasok at naramdam ko ang kamay niya sa may likuran ko.
Dapat ko ba siyang i-congratulate? He did his best. Lagi naman. Pero baka kasi mamaya ay ma-offend siya. I don't know anymore.
"Bakit ka nasa labas? Baka kagatin ka ng kung ano-ano," aniya.
"I like the view" was my answer instead of telling him the truth that I wanted to wait for him.
Napahiwalay siya sa akin nang salubungin siya ni Tita. He chuckled lightly before hugging his mom. I didn't want to ruin their moment, so I went to the dining table and helped in preparing the utensils.
They didn't mention the game during dinner, so I figured that I shouldn't bring it up. Ryo looked exhausted, at balik na naman siya sa pagiging tahimik. What they talked about is their plans for vacation, and I remained silent with Ryo dahil hindi naman ako parte ng pamilya.
Aakyat na sana ako nang dumating ang tiyuhin ni Ryo. I heard Ryo sigh as he grabbed a can of beer. He went outside with his uncle, tapping his shoulder on the way. Paakyat ako sa hagdan nang marinig kong tungkol sa laro ang pag-uusapan nila.
Still, hindi naman ako dapat mangialam kaya nagkulong na ako sa kuwarto. I know that my nosiness wouldn't let me sleep early, so I tried to work to keep myself busy. It was half past nine when I heard footsteps outside. Naulinigan ko rin ang boses ni Ryo na pinagagalitan si Raianne dahil sa kung ano. Nagmamadali kong pinatay ang laptop nang marinig ko ang mga katok niya. Agad ko iyong isinara bago siya pagbuksan ng pinto.
"'Tulog ka na," sabi niya.
I scrunched up my nose when I caught a whiff of beer from him. "You smell bad," sabi ko bago umatras dahil baka masuka ako.
Kumunot ang noo niya at inamoy-amoy ang sarili. "Maliligo ulit ako bago matulog." He clicked his tongue. "Matulog ka na riyan. Sige ka, kukunin ko 'yang laptop mo 'pag nahuli kitang nagtatrabaho pa, ha."
I nodded. Siya na ang nagsara ng pinto. I tucked myself in bed afterwards, pero hindi talaga ako tinatamaan ng antok.
I didn't want to turn the TV on dahil mate-tempt lang akong makibalita. I didn't want to touch my phone for the same reason. Nagulo na nang tuluyan ang sapin ng kama at nakailang palit na ako ng puwesto pero hindi talaga ako makatulog. I sighed and got up.
A moment later, I found myself searching for my hand cream na hindi ko makita. Kapag hindi ko hinahanap, pakalat-kalat lang iyon sa desk ko. Now that I need it, it's nowhere to be found. Ang nakita ko lang ay ang maliit na bote ko ng lotion na dinadala ko sa office. I grabbed that and got out of my room.
I marched towards Ryo's room, armed with my false confidence and the bickering inside my head. Am I really doing this?
It was too late to think it through because I already knocked on his door twice.
"Sandali," I heard Ryo say it from inside his room. He opened the door shortly, one hand on the knob and the other holding the towel he's using to dry his hair. Agad na nagsalubong ang kilay niya.
"Bakit gising ka pa?" tanong niya. I discreetly inhaled, taking in his scent. Mabuti't hindi na siya amoy-alak.
"Can I come in?" I asked, forcing myself to sport a blank face dahil wala naman akong dapat na ikahiya. He's always going inside my room. So, I guess there's nothing wrong if I would do the same, right?
"Bakit?" tanong niya at niliitan ang pagkakabukas ng pinto. Napairap ako roon.
"Let me in, Ryo," mariin kong sabi. Lalo lang kumunot ang noo niya at bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata nang makita ang lotion na hawak ko. He gasped and shook his head. Ako naman ang naguluhan doon.
"What?" tanong ko.
He pointed at the lotion I'm holding. "Ano'ng gagawin mo sa 'kin, Frankie? Pagod ako, please lang."
It took me a while to understand him dahil magkaibang-magkaiba talaga kami ng wavelength! Nang matanto iyon ay ibinato ko sa dibdib niya ang lotion kaya napaatras siya nang kaunti at napadaing. I took that chance to push the door and let myself walk inside.
"Ang sakit n'on!" reklamo niya. He picked up the bottle of lotion before closing the door. Hinihimas-himas pa niya ang parteng tinamaan ng halos paubos nang bote ng lotion. He's so dramatic.
"Ang dumi-dumi ng isip mo!" sita ko sa kaniya. I sat on his bed.
Kaunti lang ang inilaki ng kuwarto niya sa ginagamit ko. It's clean, siguro'y dahil minsan lang naman siya magtigil sa kuwarto niya. Bad trip na ang mukha niya nang umupo siya sa tabi ko. His TV is on, playing a movie. Kinuha ko sa kaniya ang lotion ko.
"Bakit ba kasi?" tanong niya. "Gutom ka? Sabi ko, matulog ka na e."
"Shut up," I said, squeezing the bottle of lotion on my palm.
Pinanonood niya ako sa ginagawa ko. He grabbed his huge pillow and put it behind me para may malambot akong masandalan, kaya mas madali akong naging komportable sa pagkakaupo ko. I grabbed his hand without saying a word. Papalag pa siya pero kinurot ko agad ang braso niya kaya hindi na siya nagpumiglas. Ang arte-arte.
I scooped the lotion from my palm and put it on his. My thumbs made semi-circles on his palm. Sauladong-saulado ko ang bawat sulok at linya ng kamay niya. It reminded me of our lazy weekends. If lucky, we would have the apartment to ourselves, and he would occupy the huge space of the bed while I sat beside him, massaging his hand.
Ganoon ulit ang ginawa ko. Ilang saglit lang ay parang kumalma na siya. He shifted from his position and sat closer to me. My hands seemed so small beside his.
"Ryo," tawag ko sa kaniya, hindi inaalis ang tingin sa kaniyang kamay.
"Hm?"
"You did your best. And I'm very proud," I told him. Hindi ko siya kailangang litanyahan ng kung ano-ano. I know him. Those words are enough to assure him.
Hindi siya umimik. A few minutes later, I asked him to give me his other hand so I could massage it. Hindi siya kumibo o gumalaw.
"Hey," I said, putting a little pressure on his hand dahil baka hindi niya namamalayang nandito pa ako. He tends to get sleepy whenever I would massage his hand. "Akin na 'yung right hand mo—"
"Frankie," he said. I shifted my gaze upwards to look at him and saw him not moving his eyes away from the screen. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay niyang sinarado niya, iniipit ang mga hinlalaki ko. "Can you and Raiko sleep here?"