At least
"Yara!"
I was brought back from daze when I heard my seatmate called my named.
Dahan-dahan kong binaling ang ulo kay Andy. Bahagya pa akong nag-aalangan dahil ngayon ko lang siya narinig na tawagin ako.
There was no humor on her face though.
"Sabi ko, pakitabi nung paa mo. Gumulong kasi yung ballpen ko, hindi ko maabot dahil nakaharang ka." paasik na sabi niya.
Nagparte ang labi ko habang pinoproseso ang sinabi niya atsaka lumingon sa sahig para makita ang tinutukoy niya. Bago pa man ako makagalaw ay nagsalita na ulit siya.
"Pulutin mo na nga lang!" utos niya.
Napalunok ako bago tumango. Mabilis kong dinampot iyon atsaka inabot sa kanya. Marahas niyang tinanggap iyon atsaka umirap.
"Ano ba 'yan, lagi kasing tulala eh." bulong niya pa ngunit sapat lang para marinig ko.
Napakurap-kurap ako sa mabilis na pangyayari. Nang makabawi ay binalik ko na lang ang tingin sa kabilang gilid. Hindi ko maiwasang muling mapatitig sa kawalan habang inaalala ang nangyari kahapon.
The euphoria, the rush, the bliss. Even the magic it made me feel. Just.. everything about it. The feeling was like I'm on seventh heaven. That's how good it was.
Kaya handa na sana ko. Handa na 'ko kung papagalitan niya 'ko dahil pumuslit ako. Handa na 'ko sa kung ano mang magiging kapalit ng saglit ngunit tumatak na kaligayahang iyon. Kasi sulit naman. Sulit na sulit. Walang makakatumbas.
The odd thing though is that he didn't say anything. I am expecting him to but.. he didn't. He didn't say even just a single word about it.
There was no sense of hostility in him too. I was carefully observing his every reaction since this morning but there was none.
Hindi niya talaga ko pinagalitan o pinagsabihan tungkol dun. Ni walang bakas ng pagkalukot ang mukha niya. I think he was even more pleasant than usual.
I tried to recall what happened. I'm sure he saw me. I'm pretty sure he did. Our eyes met. They definitely met. I'm certain about it.
I didn't force myself to think too much about it and chose to just shrug it off. I can just think of it as a good thing right? After all, I already got so much on my plate. I don't want to create my own problems even more.
"Good afternoon, class."
Napabaling ang tingin ko sa harap nang pumasok na ang guro para sa last subject na General Mathematics. Umayos na rin ako ng upo at bahagya pang pinilig ang ulo para makapagpokus sa klase.
I diligently took notes of the discussion. Ang mga sinusulat na solutions ng guro sa white board ay kinopya ko rin nang detalyado.
I stiffened when I saw Ms. Fuentes pulled out the set of our index cards inside her bag. This could only mean one thing. Recitation.
"Alright, let's have someone answer this practice exercise." she said while shuffling the cards.
Napalunok ako. Silently praying for my name not to get called.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't understand the lesson. Ayoko lang talagang mag-recite dahil ayokong pumunta sa harapan. Hindi ko hinihiling na huwag mabunot dahil tingin ko'y wala akong maisasagot. Bagkus ay dahil sadyang nakaka-nerbyos iyon para sa katulad kong walang kumpiyansa. Iniisip ko pa lang na lahat ng atensyon ay matutuon sa akin, tila nanginginig na ang tuhod ko.
I was almost sweating while staying still on my seat.
"Savellano?"
My heart dropped at the mention of my surname. I paled.
I witnessed how some of my classmates' heads immediately turned to me. Staring at me in anticipation. Waiting for me to stand up and walk.
Those pairs of eyes include Frida's.
And Hannah's.
And Joan's too.
My hands went cold. Mahigpit akong napakapit sa desk. Tila mariing nakadikit ang pang-upo ko sa silya at hindi mapaghihiwalay.
"Ms. Savellano?" Ms. Fuentes spoke again. "Please go to the board,"
I remained rigid on my form. Unmoving and unwavering.
"Uy, Yara." tawag sakin ni Andy na tila ginigising ako sa katotohanang wala na kong takas pa.
With my trembling muscles, I gathered all the strength that I have to pull myself upwards and stand.
My knees immediately felt like jelly. I haven't even left our row yet but it looks like it's gonna give up on me already any minute.
I made my way towards the middle of the room and my eyes unconsciously flew to Frida who was sitting somewhere in the aisle. Her amused expression with her arched brow sent shudders down my spine. It made me imagine terrible things that only urge me to shut my eyes close.
I couldn't take the thoughts so I instantly averted my gaze from her. I turned my eyes to the other side of the room instead. I was looking anywhere but her.
I was able to get on the aisle safely despite my shaking insides. Now the next goal is to walk towards the board. I swallowed and clenched my fists tightly so I can somehow ease the quiver.
My wobbling legs are taking steps slowly that I can almost perceive the impatience on Ms. Fuentes' face.
I flinched a bit when she cleared her throat and it made me move a little faster than earlier. I was getting near in front. I was almost close to it.
It's just a few more walk but then-
I tripped.
"Oh shit-" a guy exclaimed.
I fell flat on my face.
Snickers immediately filled my ears.
"Witwiw," I shivered when I heard another guy whistled.
Saka ko lang naramdaman ang lamig sa bandang likod ng hita ko. Mabilis kong binaba ang umangat na palda sa likod.
"Oh my.. sorry, Yara.." I heard Frida said in a concerned tone.
Sa bilis ng tibok ng puso ko ay pakiramdam ko lalabas na ito sa dibdib ko. Nakaharap pa rin ako sa kulay puting sahig ngunit tila nagiging kulay itim ang paningin ko. Nahagip pa ng mata ko ang paa ni Frida na ngayon ay tinatabi niya na.
Kung kanina'y natatago ko pa ang panginginig, pakiramdam ko'y halatang halata na iyon ngayon. Tila humiwalay ang utak ko sa akin. Hindi na lang din sa bandang dibdib ko may tumitibok sa akin kundi pati na rin sa may bandang ulo.
"Ms. Savellano, are you okay?" I immediately felt Ms. Fuentes' presence beside me. Helping me and guiding me to stand up.
Nagpatianod ang nanghihinang katawan ko habang ang kaluluwa'y wala pa sa sarili. Tulala ako habang binabalot pa rin ng mga bulung-bulungan ang pandinig.
"Sayang may cycling.." Omar commented.
"May makinis naman palang parte kay Yara eh.." he even added before chuckling.
I almost got dizzy when I heard my other classmates laughed with him.
"Class, be quiet!" malakas na saway ni Ms. Fuentes.
Bumaling siya sakin nang may pag-iingat.
"Don't worry, Ms. Savellano, madali lang 'to.." tukoy niya sa item na sasagutan ko.
Lumapit siya sa board para isulat ang given habang nanatili akong naninigas sa kinatatayuan ko. Rinig na rinig ang tawanan at halakhakan pati na ang bulung-bulungan.
Nilingon ako ni Ms. Fuentes at inabot ang marker.
"Go ahead," she instructed.
Tinanggap nang nanghihina at nanginginig kong kamay ang inabot niyang panulat. Ngunit ang mga paa ko'y walang balak at lakas humakbang para makalapit nang sapat sa pisara. Ang tainga ay hindi tumitigil makinig sa maaanghang na salita mula sa likod.
"Napicture-an mo?" someone whispered.
Unti-unting nagtaas baba ang dibdib ko. Hindi ko na matukoy at mapangalanan ang nararamdaman ko. Kung takot, kaba, galit, poot o pagkamuhi ay hindi ko na alam.
"Send gago," another one muttered in a small voice.
My heart sank. It constricted a different kind of pain a million times. I was already internally hyperventilating.
"Ms. Savellano, ano? Hindi mo ba alam?" Ms. Fuentes raised her brow to me as she grew restless for my motionless state.
My eyes were just mindlessly staring at the easy equation on the board. I can solve it without even blinking. But not now. Definitely not now. Not now when I can't even move. Not now when I'm already having a hard time breathing.
"Ayos," a voice chuckled.
"Send niyo sa gc,"
"Kasalanan niya, lampa eh.." another one murmured with a laugh.
Tila wala nang katapusan ang mga tawa at halakhak nila. Ang bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig nila ay tila balahibong sumusundot sa gilid ng aking mga mata. Parang binabalot ng init ang buong katawan ko. Pakiramda'y ko kinukumbulsyon na ako. Pati ang labi ko ay tila namamanhid at nawalan na ng pakiramdam.
"Ms. Savellano, tititigan mo na lang ba yan?"
Ms. Fuentes' voice just became a background noise in my head. Ang nangungunang tunog ay ang mga nakakapangilabot na tawanan at halakhakan. Nag-eecho sila sa pandinig ko at tila ayaw akong lubayan.
Pati ang mga nakapandidiring salita ay nagpapaulit-ulit at walang tigil.
"What- My God, are you crying?"
Sumingit ang boses ni Ms. Fuentes sa pandinig ko. Saka ko lang naramdaman ang mainit na likidong dumadaan sa pisngi ko. Sa mabigat na pagyanig sa dibdib ko ay mahirap na iyong pagtuonan pa ng pansin.
The teacher's face crumpled in worry.
"You don't have to cry if you don't know the answer or how to do it, my goodness." she said in a volume enough for the whole class to hear.
She went near me and caress my arm a little. "Come with me in the faculty and I will tutor you about this lesson,"
She gave me an assuring smile before turning to her things. Niligpit niya ang mga gamit niya habang sinasabing hintayin ko raw siya para sabay na kaming pumunta sa office niya.
I felt numb of everything. I stood there as if I was paralyzed while some hot tears from my eyes are still streaming down.
Matapos magligpit ay marahan akong giniya ni Ms. Fuentes papunto sa faculty at nagpatianod lang ako.
Tila nakalutang ang kaluluwa ko hanggang makarating kami sa opisina at sinimulan niya nang turuan ako.
Panay ang palis ko sa mga luhang walang tigil ang pagbagsak habang nakaupo at nagpapanggap na nakikinig sa guro.
"Stop crying.. Matututunan mo rin to," Ms. Fuentes sincerely said.
Mas bumibigat lang ang nakabara sa lalamunan ko. Hanggang matapos kami ay panay pa rin ang pag-alu niya sakin tungkol sa lesson na iniisip niyang iniiyakan ko.
Naglakad ako patungo sa parking lot na wasak na wasak pa rin ang buong pagkatao.
Panay ang pahid at punas ko sa mga luhang tumutulo ngunit hindi sila natatapos.
Narating ko ang pwesto ng sasakyan ni Sky at natigilan ako nang makita siya. Tila gustong kong pauurungin ang mga likido sa mata ko.
Nakasandal siya sa hood habang salubong ang kilay at tila galit na nakatitig sa sahig. Mariin ding nakakuyom ang panga niya. Lumandas ang mata ko sa kamao niya at napansing namumula iyon habang may ilang gasgas pa.
Kukunot pa lang sana ang noo ko roon nang gumalaw siya at tumama sa akin ang mata niya. Agad lumambot ang mga iyon habang umiwas naman ako dahil muling bumigat ang dibdib ko.
I felt the lump on my throat starting to build up again. Lumapit ako patungo sa pinto ng kotse nang makita ko ang bahagyang paggalaw niya na tila palapit sa akin. My stomach twisted in misery. It looks like he was about to say something so I opened my mouth before he can even start.
"Kung sasabihin mo lang na kasalanan ko na naman kasi naging mahina ako, please.. just.. not now, Sky."
I instantly saw pain flashed in his eyes.
"Yara.. I.. never said that," he stated in a distressed tone.
I averted his gaze cause I know he was right. He really never said something like that. Ang sabi niya lang ay kailangan ko raw matutong sagipin ang sarili ko. Ewan ko pero.. parang ganun na rin kasi ang dating sa akin.
With my clouded mind right now, I don't know which is which anymore.
All I know is that I'm not okay. I feel so bad. I know that this doesn't give me the right to point fingers at anybody but..
Is it atleast okay not to feel okay for now?
I badly need the validation that it's fine.
That it is okay not to feel okay.
That I don't have to feel okay all the time.
Can I.. atleast have that?