"HE hates me." I reason. "I don't want to bother him any more than I already do."
Harry kisses me on the lips, shaking his head in disproval. "Ridiculous. You're his mum. You could never bother him. He loves you."
It's my turn to pick up Alex from his therapy session today, even though I don't want to. Ever since his revelation a few weeks ago, I feel as if I've been walking on eggshells. I've completely given up on trying to force myself onto him. At this point, I feel like I'm just his maid more than anything. Aside from helping him with daily activities, we barely talk.
But I'm glad that I have someone like Harry to help me through it.
So, with appreciation, I give him one more kiss before leaving the house. Anxiously, I climb into my car and back out of the driveway, thinking of numerous ways that I can interact with Alex as I make my way down the street.
The drive to the counseling office goes by quicker to usual, due to me being lost in my thoughts. So when I make my way to Lensen's room, it's no shock that the session is already done and that Alex is patiently waiting for me with a lollipop in his hand.
"Where's daddy?" Alex asks, face dropping at the sight of my arrival.
"Making dinner."
"Oh."
"We're eating spaghetti and meatballs tonight. Doesn't that sound yummy?"
Alex doesn't say anything, simply nodding glumly as he stands to his feet. "Thanks for the blueberry lollipop Mister Lensen!"
Lensen grins at my son. "No problem, kiddo. See you next week, be good for your mom, okay?"
A barely audible grunt leaves Alex's mouth.
Lensen shakes his head, turning towards me. "Don't stress yourself out so much, Audrey. Take care of you." He gives me a stern look, almost authoritarian and fatherly, before reaching towards his candy stash and handing me a Hershey's bar. "And tell Harry I said hello."
I thank him for the candy, feeling relieved by his support before we make our way out of his building.
We get in the car and Alex mentions how thirsty his is, so I stop at a gas market for a few bottles of water before encouraging him to take a stroll with me in the park (totally Harry's idea). At first, Alex is reluctant, but he finally gives in.
"What did you and Lensen talk about today?" I ask, taking a sip of my water as I try not to overwhelm him with too many questions.
"Luke."
"Who's Lucas?"
"It's Luke, momma." He rolls his eyes, still in the midst of his grammar phase. "And he's my friend." A pause and then. "He's like me and Josh. His daddy is a ruiner and left him and his momma."
"Ruiner?" I gulp.
"Yes. Now Luke can only see his momma and daddy some of the times, like me and Josh. He has two houses too."
I blink in bewilderment, feeling dread beginning to gnaw at me. "Do you think I'm a ruiner?"
He doesn't say anything.
So I try again. "Do you, uh," I blink away the tears. "Do you feel like I left you?"
He takes a moment to think before replying, "No. not yet."
"Yet?"
"Grandma Anne always says I'm just like daddy. So if you left daddy then you'll probably leave me too. Maybe not now. But I'm just trying to be prepared, momma."
"Why would you say that?"
"Because I'm like daddy!" Alex answers. "Everyone says that I'm just like him. And you hate daddy. So don't you hate me too? You left him." Alex pauses. "I don't want you to hate me or leave me like you did with daddy."
I'm shell shocked, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. I grab his hand, pulling him to a nearby bench so I can sit down and center myself. "Alex, I don't hate daddy."
"But you would say it to him sometimes. Like a long time ago. I heard you!"
"I was just sad." I answer, feeling my heart break. "Sometimes, when we're sad or mad, we say things that we don't mean."
"Like when I told you I hated you and daddy made me say sorry?"
"Yes. Exactly like that."
Alex seems to slowly understand. "Is that why we see daddy more? Because you don't hate him?"
"...Uh, yes."
"And that's why you kiss him and hold his hand?"
I blush, nodding. "Yes." Silence. Then, "Alex, I could never hate daddy."
"Because you love him?"
"Y-Yes, very much."
"...And you love me?"
"I love you more than you'll ever know." Without thinking, I reach out and hug him, kissing his cheek. "I could never leave you. I will never leave you. I'll always be here for you and I'll always love you. You are my son."
Alex cringes at my affection, "No kisses momma! I'm a big boy now, remember?" But he giggles nonetheless as I embrace him.
He hugs me back.
"I'll never leave you." I repeat.
His hands rest against my skin as my forearms wrap around his tiny torso. "You promise?" He asks.
"Yes. I sincerely swear."
"You pinky promise?"
"Of course!"
We interlock our pinky's.
Then Alex says, "So then you aren't like Luke's dad? You will never leave me, which means you'll never leave daddy?"
I smile, "Yes. Is there anything else?"
He thinks for a moment before scrunching his nose. "I don't like it when you and daddy kiss."
"Why not?"
"Because it's gross!" He giggles.
"But don't I kiss you and Ava?"
"Well...yes."
"And I love you and Ava. I also love daddy very much. So why can't I kiss daddy?"
He struggles to find an answer. "Well...I guess that makes sense."
He starts to eat his lollipop, looking more happy than I've seen him in a very long time.
There's a brief moment when he reaches to grab my hand, squeezing my fingers tightly and holding on for dear life. "I love you momma." He says, eyes glossy with tears. "Even though I can be mean sometimes. I don't mean to be mean. I don't mean to make you cry."
"It's okay." I swallow the lump in my throat, patting his hand. "We're okay now."
His eyes widen and he looks alarmed; scared. "I'm sorry!" He says, slightly panicked. "I didn't mean to make you cry again! Here, take my lollipop!" He tries to offer me some of his lollipop to cheer me up. His small dainty fingers rub and pat my back as I wipe away my tears.
"It's a happy cry," I reassure him. "And no, thank you. The lollipop is for you."
We sit in the park for a little while longer. He fills me in about the gossip at his school, eating his lollipop in content which stains his tongue and lips blue.
It's not until we're in the car, on our way back to Harry's house, when Alex says, "I'm happy you're not sad anymore momma."
I can't help but feel confused, glancing at him in the rear view mirror. "Sad?"
"Before, when you didn't kiss daddy or hold his hand...when you shouted at him a lot," Alex explains. "When you were sad and used to cry a lot. I'm happy you're not sad anymore."
He's so innocent and yet so smart. I don't realize how transparent I've been these last few years-how smart my son is and how much life he understands-until now. Half of my heart is happy and proud of how intuitive he is, yet the other half is heart broken that he's seen so much in his young life.
"I'm happy too, baby." I finally reply, looking away in awe.