The last day of school before Christmas break means distracted students and low productivity. I prop my feet up on the desk in Charms class, enchanting a piece of paper to fly around the room like a bird as I'm consumed with boredom.
"And then he says that he's busy," I say, finishing my story, "It's as if he only wants to hang out if we're hooking up."
"Then just put out," Marlene says like it's the most obvious solution to my problem. I give her a blank stare, and she sighs, "Look, the way I see it, you're lucky to have Borden. He's probably the hottest Gryffindor ever."
"Aw, thanks babe," Sirius says dryly as I snicker.
"But he's not gonna stay with you if you don't do stuff with him," she says, "He's seventeen, sex isn't a big deal for him. Honestly, sex isn't a big deal, period. More than half our year has had it, so it's not like you're too young."
What she's saying makes sense, but I still feel uneasy about the idea of losing my virginity to Marcus. I like him and all, but it's just not there for me.
"I just . . ." I trail off when I realize I'm gonna sound stupid, "nevermind."
"You just what?" Marlene presses, narrowing her eyes.
"I don't know." I shrug, lowering my voice, "I wanna lose my virginity to someone I love."
She bursts into laughter, and Dorcas hits her upside the head as I turn beet red.
"Leave the poor girl alone, look at her face!" Dorcas snickers, and I bury my face in my hand, feeling Sirius smiling at me. I glance up at him and glare.
"Think my sex life is funny?"
"Nope." He shrugs, "I think it's cute."
If possible, I turn an even deeper shade of red as I cover my face again.
"That's worse."
He chuckles, rolling up his sleeves and leaning in close as Marlene and Dorcas strike up a conversation.
"Ignore Marlene, she's a slut, anyway," he says lowly, and I scoff.
"Hey, I heard that!" Marlene calls, but she seems unbothered.
"You're dating her," I answer Sirius, and he just shrugs, leaning back and winking at me as I groan.
"Look, Cass," Dorcas says, "If you aren't comfortable with your man, then you gotta cut it off before it gets too far. Do you see yourself falling in love with him?"
I glance at Sirius and wish I hadn't, as he looks way too invested in my answer.
"I don't know," I say, then sigh, "Probably not."
"And you both want different things, so cut him off." She begins putting stuff in her bag, again making the solution to my problem sound super simple.
I glance at Sirius again, and he just shrugs, looking smug as I rake my fingers through my dark, tangled, mess of hair. He laughs breathily, and I roll my eyes, punching him in the shoulder as Flitwick dismisses us and the class cheers for the break.
"Excited to return to the beloved household for Christmas?" I ask Sirius as I fall into step next to him, and he just laughs.
"What, like I'm going there if I don't have to."
I raise an eyebrow, "So what's the plan, then?"
"Well," he says, lighting a cigarette in the middle of the crowded hallway like the dumbass he is, "usually I head over to James's, but considering he's going on a trip to Hawaii, I've decided to retire to ye ol' castle."
"Right, because why would you go to Hawaii? Beaches and paradise? Disgusting." I take the cigarette from him as he laughs, looking down at me while I grin and take a drag, "Instead you'll be partying it up with yours truly, and all the other burn outs of this school."
"Beats going home any day," he says as he takes his cigarette back and we walk up a set of stairs, groaning as it moves and sends us on a longer path.
"Do we know anyone else who's staying for Christmas?" He asks, and I frown.
"Maybe Dorcas. She hates her family, right?" I shrug, "I don't know, but if it's anything like the last four years, it'll suck. A measly dinner with all the teachers and crying twelve year olds? Pass."
"But it beats going home," we say in unison, me grabbing his cigarette again as we start down a corridor.
"No smoking!" Professor Florier snatches the smoke from me as he passes before putting it in his own lips and continuing to walk. We both laugh as he blows out the cloud before flicking the thing into a first year's face.
"It's a shame he'll be gone at the end of the year," Sirius says, "He's a damn good teacher."
"Yeah." I nod as we watch him round a corner after doing some elaborate hand shake with a third year Ravenclaw, "He really is. Anyway, I gotta get going."
"Where to?" Sirius asks as I back away from him and start walking down a separate hallway, still facing him.
"Gotta break up with my boyfriend!" I call, throwing him a two fingered salut as he shakes his head in amusement and disappears around the other corner. I smile to myself and make my way to the library, which is basically only crowded by fifth years and up, who are all stressing for their O.W.L or N.E.W.T classes. I find Marcus quickly, sitting with Caradoc, my brother, and another Slytherin. I've always found it strange how they manage to be friends with the massive divide between our houses, but they honestly couldn't give two shits if the other supports Voldemort or not. I'd admire it, but I know better.
"Well if it isn't the girl who won't put out!" The extra Slytherin calls, and I freeze in my tracks as Marcus smacks him in the head.
"Seriously?" I say to my boyfriend, who runs a hand down his face.
"Carrow, man, really?" He groans, and 'Carrow' just laughs, my brother hiding his smile as I turn beet red.
"Well, that won't be a problem anymore," I say nonchalantly, "because I'm actually gonna have to cut this one short."
Marcus looks up in slight surprise, before shrugging, "Okay, no hard feelings though, right?"
"Yeah, we'll still tear it up on the Quidditch pitch!" I call as I begin walking away.
"Damn straight!" He hollers, and I laugh as I turn the corner before poking my head back.
"Hey Joshy!" I say, "Shit in dad's stocking for me, yeah?"
He just flips me the bird, and I snicker, rounding the bookshelf and leaving the library, feeling free now that I'm single again. I never truly liked Marcus, but he was a good distraction while I wallowed in my self pity.
I can't help myself, and I whoop as I start running through the halls, high-fiving any Gryffindors I see and ruffling Dasher's hair as I pass him. I tug my robes off and whip them around in the air, seeing James up ahead and not hesitating to jump on his back.
"Woah! Cassidy!" He says as he stumbles forward a few inches before continuing to walk, Remus by his side, "What are you so happy about?"
"I'm a single woman, Jamesy!" I say as he hoists me higher on his back.
"Sirius will be glad."
"He's dating Marlene." I roll my eyes, tired of them thinking Sirius and I still have a thing, which we do not.
"Come on, you know better than to think that will last," James answers as he takes me over to where Lily is leaning against the wall.
"Looking good, Evans. Can I take you out?"
"When pigs fly," she says as if it's an automatic response. She falls into step next to Remus, and I grin at her.
"So you're saying if James gets Mandy Pierson on a broomstick then you'll go on a date with him?"
James howls with laughter, high-fiving me as best as he can while I'm still on his back.
"If that's all it takes, I think I can work something out," he says, and Lily rolls her eyes, also grinning.
"Hey, what are you so happy about?" I ask her suspiciously. Ever since she friend-dumped Snape, she's been constantly down in the dumps, "Do not tell me you forgave that grease bag."
She looks suddenly apologetic, "I'm sorry Cassidy, he got me flowers and chocolate and promised he'd never do anything like it again."
"Hold on." James drops me suddenly, "You're talking to Snivellus again? After his friends used some spell on Cass specifically designed for Dark magic?"
"He's not like that!" She says stubbornly.
"You've got to be kidding me."
"I'm not taking this from you, Potter," she quips, and turns down a different corridor as we all watch her storm off.
"She's barking mad." James shakes his head in disbelief.
"Yeah." I nod grimly in agreement, "What is it you see in her, again?"
He sighs in frustration, running a hand through his already messed up hair and making it look even messier. Remus and I pat him on the back in comfort as we head to the common room, slipping inside to see Mary and Alice pulling on jackets.
"Where are you two headed?" I ask, yawning hugely.
"Hogsmeade. You game?"
I shrug, "What the hell. Gotta celebrate my new life as a single lady."
"No way," Mary says, "but you had Marcus Borden, it doesn't get any better than that."
"Clearly you've never dated me," James says, and I just push him as he passes the couch, sending him tumbling over the back and onto the cushions.
"Honestly, I didn't see you ever lasting with him," Alice chimes in, scrunching her nose up, "He's pretty, sure, but he's dumb as a rock."
"True that," Mary says, "One time he was trying to say 'blessing in disguise' and I'm pretty sure he said 'blessing in the skies' instead."
We all burst into laughter at the sheer idiocy before I head for the stairs.
"Just let me get changed and we'll go," I say.
"I'm coming too," I hear Sirius's voice say as I begin climbing. He was just walking down from the boys' dorms.
"I thought you said you didn't want to." Alice frowns as I look back.
He shrugs, glancing at me, "Changed my mind."
***
I sit in the carriage, watching the Thestrals as they pull us along. In the end, the only ones who decided to hang back at the castle were Dorcas, Lily, Marlene, and Remus. I ride next to Sirius, facing Alice, whose short hair has disappeared under her toque.
I myself wear a grey trapper hat that successfully keeps my ears warm. The weather is getting unnecessarily cold, and it's even snowed a few times recently.
Hogsmeade is open for students through Christmas break, which leaves the kids who don't go home something to do while they're here. I usually spend my time there, but considering I usually spend Christmas with no one I know, it always got a little lonely. Although I'd never admit it, I'm excited to finally have someone to share the break with.
We all end up at a table in the Three Broomsticks, and we crowd into the same booth we occupied the first time we came this year, with just not as many people.
I squish in between James and Sirius, taking off my mittens and hat as well as my oversized jacket. We all order drinks and snacks, striking up a conversation quickly.
"You guys hear that Lily is talking to Snape again?" James pipes up predictably, his eyes darkening at the memory as everyone gapes.
"No way!" Mary says angrily, "After what he did to Cass?" She looks to me. "You almost died!"
I just shrug, glancing at Sirius, who looks beyond furious.
"Why do we put up with Evans anyway?" he growls, and I look at him.
"Come on, she's known Snape for years. They were childhood friends, that has to mean something, right?" I fiddle with my water, which is the only thing I got since I wanted to save money to buy my friends Christmas gifts.
"Not when your childhood friend is gonna be a Death Eater the minute he steps out of Hogwarts," James says, and Sirius points to him in agreement.
"If James nearly killed a Slytherin," I start, "You wouldn't be mad."
"That's different. That's a Slytherin," Sirius says.
"I was a Slytherin." I shrug, "Besides, we view them the way they view us, like nasty scumbags. Either way, it's still murder."
He stares at me, and I know I've gotten my point across when he just averts his gaze.
"I'm just saying I understand why she did it," I mutter, lifting my glass to my lips and crunching on the ice inside.
"I guess that's a good point," Alice says resignedly, gulping down half of her butterbeer as we change the subject to Quidditch. James delves easily into the matter, forgetting all about Lily as he talks about our strategy for our next game, which isn't until the new year.
"Butterbeer?" A waitress interrupts our conversation, placing the hot drink in question on the table and sliding it to me.
"Oh, er, I didn't order that," I say, sliding it back.
She just smiles and winks, "Some boy bought it for you. A secret admirer."
My cheeks heat up, "Oh, okay, thanks."
"Oooooh," James says tauntingly, nudging me as I take the drink and sip it idly.
"You've been single for what? An hour? And you've already got boys at your feet," Mary says in annoyance, pouting slightly as I snicker.
"One boy," I correct her, "And you've got your fair share of secret admirers. What about Head Boy Dean?"
She stifles her smile at my reference to the notes she's been getting from the Ravenclaw seventh year, who I luckily haven't run into since the train ride.
We start making fun of Mary, me happy that the attention is no longer on me as I finish my drink quickly. The warmth tickles my throat, and I sigh in content, leaning back in my seat.
For the next ten minutes, I indulge in the conversation, but soon I begin to feel a little off. Sick, and dizzy.
I am about to tell them I need to go to the washroom, when I catch sight of my empty glass, and realization hits me like a ton of bricks.
"Hey. Are you okay?" Sirius asks me, noticing my distress.
I lean in closer to him, "My drink is drugged."
"What?" He says loudly, and I shush him.
"Act natural. Do you see anyone staring at me?" I keep my eyes trained on him as he looks around the bar, seeming angry.
"No."
"Okay," I say as he looks back at me and I feel myself growing faint, "You wanna catch this guy?"
"Are you kidding? Of course." He narrows his eyes, and I smile.
"I'm gonna go to the washroom, if anyone follows me in, that's your cue." I begin shifting, nudging James to let me out of the booth.
"What?" Sirius grabs my arm, "No. You can't use yourself as bait."
"Relax. I'll be fine," I grumble, breathing slowly as I wink at him and stand up. I raise my voice so the rest of the group can hear me, as well as most of the bar, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Be back soon."
"Have fun," Mary says, and I make a face at her before turning.
"Tell us how it goes!" Alice calls after me, and I flip her off over my shoulder, heading to the restroom. Once inside, I lean on the counter, my head swimming as I hold onto the hand dryer to keep myself up.
I wait for someone to follow me in, but as it turns out, it was a mistake to come here at all.
I fall to the floor as my limbs finally give out, and a stall door opens to my left. I expect some random girl to walk out, this being the girl's bathroom and all, but I'm faced instead with a tall, vaguely familiar Slytherin seventh year boy.
It takes me a split second to put a name to face, and when I do I find that it doesn't help my situation much.
It's the twat that was hanging with Marcus, Caradoc, and my brother in the library earlier. Something Carrow. I feel fear spike my chest as I reach for my wand, but my arm is too heavy, and it flops to the side pathetically as the guy chuckles and locks the door, looking at me with hunger in his eyes.
I swear in my head as I realize my plan has backfired. I told Sirius to come once someone followed me in, but Carrow was already in here.
Suddenly there's knocking at the door, and I feel relief wash over me, thinking it'll be Sirius.
"Hello? Is anyone in there?"
My heart sinks as I realize it's just Mary's voice. Carrow acts fast and covers my mouth, putting a finger to his lips and grinning.
"Cassidy? Are you still there?" Mary asks, her voice muffled through the door.
Carrow looks at me, pulling out his wand and pressing it firmly against my neck, "You're gonna say that you're doing fine, understand?"
I just glare at him, and he chuckles, pressing the wand further into my tender skin.
"Cass?"
"If you don't, you will wish you had. I can promise you that. I heard about the incident a few weeks back, and if you think that was pain?" He laughs, "You clearly haven't been through enough. Just do what I say, and you won't have to know what real, writhing agony is. Do you understand?"
I nod, tears pricking my eyes as he smiles before dropping his hand and nodding for me to speak.
"Mary!" I shout immediately as loud as I can, "Get help! Get—"
His hand clamps back over my mouth, and I pray to god that she heard me, only satisfied when I hear pounding on the door.
"Cassidy! What's going on?"
For Pete's sake, get help, I think desperately to myself as Carrow glares at me. I suddenly hear her receding footsteps, and relief washes over me, although it's quickly replaced by fear as Carrow stands up.
"You foolish girl." He grins, pointing his wand at me, "Crucio!"
The agony is unreal. He's right, it's ten million times worse than the pain I felt from the spell Mulciber cast. He's a seventh year, and he's clearly used this before. My back arches off the floor as I let out a blood curdling scream, writhing as thousands of white hot knives pierce through every nerve in my body.
My mind is clouded by the only thing that it seems has ever existed. Pain. It floods my brain and takes over all five of my senses, rendering me completely useless in every aspect. I scream and I scream, but he doesn't stop. He repeats the spell over and over as I hear pounding on the door and screaming that is no longer just mine. His cackling can be heard distantly as he holds me up with his wand, watching with power hungry eyes while he tortures me.
I wish for death. Somehow I am able to restrain myself from asking for it, yet in my head I scream for mercy. I want nothing more than for the pain to stop. I want nothing more than the peace and tranquil of laying to rest. I see no reason to keep living if it hurts this bad.
It goes on forever, until it all stops, and I feel the pain ebb away, leaving me twitching and weak, sobbing on the bathroom floor. I can feel my limbs again, although I'd rather not, because they ache and sting, the knives still there even if they're now dulled. I didn't realize my eyes were clenched shut until I could once again see past the blinding agony, and I open them to see my heaving chest and the door slamming open.
"Where is he?!" James shouts as he, Sirius, Mary, Alice, and Peter storm into the restroom, kicking open every stall as the others kneel beside my beaten down body.
"He has to be in here somewhere!" Sirius says as Mary and Alice cover their mouths and look down at me.
After realizing the boy isn't here, James shouts in frustration.
"He's Apparated," he says furiously, kicking the stall door one last time, "He could be anywhere."
Sirius swears in anger before returning to my side, looking worried.
"Cassidy? Can you hear me?" He asks, his voice faded as I blink slowly.
"Yes. . ." I try and say, but all that comes out is a slight whisper.
"What did he do to you, Cass?" Mary cries, tears streaming down her face as I glance at her. I don't feel like moving; my head would surely split open if I tried. I think my twitching is dying down, but I can't tell.
"It's the Cruciatus Curse," James says from where he stands and stares at me, his face stony and rage igniting in his eyes.
Everyone looks even more distraught than I feel, as if they're the ones who got struck by the spell of torture. Alice hugs Peter tightly, the boy in question looking as if he's about to be sick. Mary is sobbing uncontrollably, and Sirius has his arm around her as his angry expression melts into a blank, sad stare.
"He'll be long gone," he says softly, "there's no way he'll stay at Hogwarts after casting an Unforgivable. That's life in Azkaban."
"He's probably already with Voldemort," James says, shaking his head as Mary flinches at the name. I want to say something to lighten the mood, but I can't, so I just try to smile. It comes out as a grimace, and I feel weak.
"Someone needs to get a teacher," Alice says, her voice cracking, "We need to get her up to the castle. She was in here for over five minutes."
Five minutes of the Cruciatus Curse. It felt like hours.
I feel feeling return to my fingers, and I try to move them to hold her hand and tell her that I'm okay. I urge my limbs to move, so I can stand up and tell them it's all right. So I can let them know I feel okay, even if I feel so far from okay I think I might die.
I clench my eyes shut and give up on trying to move, as the pain is too much. I can hear everyone talking, but I can't bring myself to listen, and I feel my head swim again when I try to lift it, tears streaming down my face.
I notice that James is gone, and I frown, feeling Sirius grab my hand, squeezing it and holding it to his lips with grim eyes that he keeps trained on my face.
"You're gonna be all right," he mumbles to me, "James has sent an owl to Dumbledore. He'll be here any second."
I know he's sugarcoating it a little, but I don't mind. He looks so good from this angle, and I just want to tell him. His hair is hanging over his face in dark waves, and his eyes are the most unguarded I've ever seen them. I expected him to be angry, like he was when Mulciber used that spell on me, but he isn't. He just looks so incredibly sad, and it makes me want to hug him. Hug him and tell him that I still have feelings for him. Even if nothing can be done at this point.
He says more words of encouragement, but they all melt together, no matter how hard I try to listen. I focus on my hand in his, and the way he rubs circles on the back of it with his thumb. I focus on his stormy grey eyes, swirling with sadness and concern as he squeezes my hand again. I so badly want to tell him I'm fine, and I'm about to try and get the words out when the door slams open, and Dumbledore appears with McGonagall and James.
The Headmaster is easily the calmest man I've ever met. Very guarded and hard to read. But the moment he barges in, jaw clenched and eyes blazing, I wonder how I never saw anything like that in him before.
Everyone immediately backs away from me, except Sirius, who has to be tugged away by James to let the two teachers kneel next to me.
"My word . . ." McGonagall covers her mouth with her hand, having a very similar reaction to when Mary brought her to me in the courtyard. Dumbledore is all business, pulling out his wand and casting some spell under his breath.
The stress of the situation and the sudden entrance of the two professors has made me a lot more alert, and I open my eyes wider as my body begins to numb completely, the pain ebbing away.
"Temporary Numbing Charm," Dumbledore says to me, sensing my confusion before he turns to look up at Sirius and James, "Who did this?"
James just shrugs, "We don't know. But it had to have been someone who knows how to Apparate. And he'll be long gone now."
McGonagall looks distraught, shaking her head in disbelief, "It was a student?"
James nods.
"I'm going to take her back to the hospital wing to get proper treatment." Dumbledore pockets his wand and picks me up as every part of my body figuratively disappears and I'm left to feel nothing but my own thoughts, "Minerva, bring these five with you, please."
She nods curtly, and soon everything is spinning and I feel like I'm being vacuum sealed as Dumbledore turns abruptly on his heel. In a split second, we're in the hospital wing, and I feel queasy.
He sets me down on the bed and disappears. Soon McGonagall is appearing with my friends, transferring them individually to my bedside. Sirius is first, and he pulls up a chair and puts my hand in his again, although this time I can't feel as he rubs circles on it.
Everything is a blur as Mary disappears to get the others from the common room, and soon all nine of them, even Lily, are gathered around my bedside.
"Well this is a familiar scene," Marlene says lightheartedly, and everyone glares at her.
"Really?"
"Now is not a time for jokes, Mar. She was hit with the Cruciatus Curse."
"Cass is smiling." She points at me. Everyone turns to see me, and sure enough there's a weak grin on my face at her joke.
And then Madam Pomfrey casts the counter for the numbing spell before shoving a potion to my lips and telling me to drink.
"I found this at the back of my cabinet," she says to Dumbledore, "Such a potion to reduce the effects of an Unforgivable takes weeks to make. We're lucky to have any at all, but since we do, she'll fully heal in a couple of days."
"Thank you, Poppy," Dumbledore says as I down the potion and sigh, not even caring about the taste. The headmaster kneels next to me, glancing back at my friends, "If you would kindly step outside while I question Miss Milton, you can return after."
They all nod swiftly, heading out. I watch Sirius, whose feet remain planted to the floor until Marlene and James drag him away.
Once the effects of the potion kick in, I feel my head clear and the pain reduce to a dull throbbing, coursing through my body like blood from my heart.
"Do you know the name of the student who attacked you, Cassidy?" Dumbledore asks right away, more serious than I've ever seen him.
"Carrow," I croak, "Slytherin."
McGonagall's face etches into anger as Dumbledore nods in understanding.
"Alecto or Amycus?" He asks me, and I frown in confusion before he clarifies, "Was it a male or female?"
"Male," I say, my brain finally returning, "He . . . drugged my drink and . . . attacked me when I went to the washroom."
He nods once more before looking to McGonagall, "Go search for his twin, see if she knows anything about it. My guess is she'll be gone as well, but we can't be too sure."
She disappears, and I watch her go as Dumbledore examines me.
"You're going to be all right, Miss Milton," he reassures, "It seems nothing can really bring you down."
I can't bring myself to smile, and his own falls as he sighs and stands up.
"I assume you'll want to spend time with your friends, so I'll leave you be." He begins towards the door as I still remain silent, "I'm sorry you've had such a rough go this year. I heard about the Quidditch match, and I have to say I'm surprised you're still upright. You know what they say, only the best rocks get thrown."
I smile then, even though his metaphor goes over my head, and he winks at me before he too leaves, allowing the rush of my friends to return.