Screech.
I hit my head on the steering wheel. I can feel the car moving, but no one is reacting. The car hits the Golden Gate bridge railing; I can't move. Silence; I need to know if they're alright. I hear someone gasp for breath followed by an eerie silence and the sound of the rain hitting the window. I attempt to turn around to to see if everyone is okay. Indigo's chest is moving up and down. I can't turn my head, and as I reach down to push my seat back to make room for movement, I shoot up in my bed. Tears stream down my face as their screams echo in my head. The moment I saw Louis' lifeless body flashes in my mind, and my breathing hitches. I try to go back to sleep, but the flashbacks keep playing and then rewinding and playing again. I try to start thinking of other things, but it doesn't work.
I know I'm eventually going to have to get in a car again. Maybe it gets easier to sleep. What's the point of being alive to see it get better? I'm known as 'The Girl In The Accident.' Every time I leave my house, I get looks of pity and sympathy. In attempt to get my mind off the nightmare that occurred yet again, I turn on the T.V and go straight to my recordings. I know I shouldn't. For the first time since the accident, I watch the news episode about Louis, Indie, and me. An old picture of all three of us when we were thirteen at the bowling alley flashes on the screen. I try to avoid thinking about how Louis looked at the scene. He looked in pain. Blood drenched his clothes, and he was so pale. The more I watch it, the more I'm reminded that it is my fault that my best friends are dead. I turn the T.V off, I can't watch anymore.
"Why are we going when it's so cold outside?" Louis asks dumbly.
"Because you can't go ice skating when it's hot outside, dimwit," Indie chuckles, staring at him as if he's the stupidest person in the world.
"Yes, but it's indoors," He retorts, sarcastically.
"How did you get into to college?" Indie chuckles and we look at each other grinning.
"What happened in the other car?" This, I have thought about many times before. I unlock my iPhone to Google it. I look up "Indigo Castro accident" and go to the first website. I navigate my way through a bunch of links, but I finally come to some answers. Three people were in the other car. Two men and one four year old girl. One of the men died, but the little girl and the other man are alive. The little girl's name is Julia and the boy's name is Nick. I need to find them and make sure they're not going through what I am. No one deserves to feel what I'm feeling except me. It's all my fault. I find Nick's facebook page and shoot him a quick message to see if he and Julia are okay. When he responds, it's obvious that he knows who I am and he wants to talk over coffee.
Getting ready to go to lunch is rushed and hesitant at the same time. An odd combination to build up to the emotions about to be discussed with Nick. Second thoughts, doubts of going, and every scenario possible flickers through my mind. I tell Nick the place that we should meet. It's close enough for me to walk, as everytime I hear a car engine roar, I cringe. I hope he and Julia aren't weak like me. I hope they're okay and using cars to go places. As for me, all I'm left with is apprehensiveness and an overwhelming sadness all the time. As I tug my shoes on and throw my dirty blonde, wavy hair into a messy bun, I grab my wallet and house key and blow out the candle beside my key rack.
The moment I see Nick and Julia approaching, my heart temporarily stops at the sight of Julia. I feel as if my heart fell to the floor and shattered. Nick wheels her over to the table, removes a chair and parks her there. He takes a seat next to me and then there is silence for a while as we all take in each other's state. I look like a mess and feel like I'm in shambles. My hazel eyes are bloodshot and the bags under my eyes are prominent. Julia is beautiful despite the wheelchair she is stuck sitting in. Nick, however, looks great. He looks well rested and happy. Nick opens his mouth as if he's about to say something.
"How have you been?" He asks with an edge to his tone.
"Nickkyy where are we going?" Julia giggles and whines at the same time from the back seat.
"Baby, calm down. Tyler and I are going to make you ours. We're finally going to be your daddies." There is silence for a moment before Julia starts squealing. She plays with a her toy in her seat while Nick turns to Tyler ands rests hand on his.
"I can't believe we're doing this." Nick admits with a mixture of giddiness and self doubt in the pit of his stomach.
In the blink of an eye there's a loud honk and everything goes black. The only thing in the back of Nick's mind is Julia and Tyler. We were so close.
"Horrible," I say and Nick snaps out of a daydream with tears in his eyes, "are you okay?"
"It's getting better. Seeing you is bringing back some memories, though." I nod, completely understanding. I glance to Julia on my left and look back at Nick.
"The nice nurses at the doctor's office tell me I have permanent spine damage." Julia's weak, soft voice speaks up from the end of the table. I start to tear up thinking that the reason, she's in that chair, is me.
"She's so strong and smart. After Tyler died, I adopted her on my own. I knew that's what he would have wanted." I'm yielded speechless.
"I'm glad you're happy," I say holding back tears and swallowing the lump in my throat. Nothing is okay. I thought this would help. I thought I would see that they're feeling the same as I am, that my feelings are valid. They know what I'm going through. Why are they happy and why am I like this? I want them to be happy, though. I know I deserve to feel like this.
"I-I'll be right back." I excuse myself and stand up with tears spilling down my cheeks. I walk briskly to the restroom while people turn to look at me. I couldn't care less though. Everything is my fault. I deserved to die, not Indie, Louis, and Tyler. Louis and Indigo were selfless people. They were my best friends. I should have died, not them. I didn't know Tyler, but when Nick said his name his eyes sparkled. I wipe my eyes, looking into the mirror. Regulating my breathing, I walk back to the table and sit back in my spot like nothing happened.
"Tell me about Tyler," my voice cracks with the slightest hint of sadness.
"He was perfect in all ways you can imagine. He had the best sense of humor. Always cracking jokes. And this one," he motions to Julia, "and him were always laughing. They always sang in the car together to those terrible pop songs on the radio. I swear the only people he ever cared about was his family, friends, and us. There was never a time when he put himself before others," Nick looked so happy and sad at the same time when he told me about his boyfriend that I killed. Julia sniffled and tucked her chestnut hair behind her ear and I looked to see her crying.
"I miss Daddy."
They spoke of him like he put the stars in the sky and like, he was the best person in the world. And, maybe he was but I took that away.
I look to Julia. "You look beautiful." She smiles like that was the first compliment she'd ever gotten.
"Thank you." She looked down, blushing.
"We should go. Jules has to go to her physical therapy appointment," Nick speaks out from across me. I nod and stand up once again. I watch Nick wheel Julia out of the shop, disappointed that I didn't get to talk to Julia as much as I would have liked to. For the first time in a while I let the burning tears roll down my face. I don't try to stop them or wipe them away. My feet guide me out the shop and to the one place I know I shouldn't go. I see Julia on the way there in her car and she waves to me with a sad smile. It's almost as if she knows what I'm about to do when I don't even know what I'm about to do. I'm one fourth of the way there and I'm mentally preparing for what I'm so close to doing. I start to run, I need to get this over with. I run so fast that my legs go numb halfway there but I don't stop. I can't. I'll over think my decision and then I won't go through with it but I need to.
This is my way out. Maybe, if I go through with what should've happened that day, they won't hate me anymore. I know they hate me right now and they have a right to. When I finally get there, I'm positive I'm going to do it. I sit on the edge of the bridge and look down on the water. Thinking about all the times we crossed this bridge to go to the city and do something with each other feels like torture. They should be here with me to cross the bridge again today but sadly, I'm not crossing the bridge.
"Indie!" I screech, laughing. "Stop!" I wipe the flour out of my eyes and grab the bag of chocolate chips from beside me. Louis chuckles from the countertop looking perfectly clean. Indigo and I look at each other understanding exactly what we're going to do without words.
"No. Nope. Nuh uh. Not today. Don't. You. Dare." Louis starts panicking, jumping off the counter. I grab a handful of chocolate chips while Indigo gets the entire bowl of cake mix. I hold up my fingers. 1. We share a devilish grin. 2. Indigo snickers on my left and licks chocolate off her finger. 3. We throw everything in our hands at Louis. He turns around quickly and hits Indigo with an egg, rather unexpectedly.
"Oh. My. God. What just happened?" I ask through laughter with tears in my eyes. I clutch my stomach in my hands.
"Hey, Indie?" Lou asks.
"Yeah?"
"Will you pick the chocolate chips out my hair?" He holds back a laugh as he asks and Indigo nods through chuckles.
That's my favorite night of ours. Despite the fact that there was more sugar in my shirt than the cupcakes, they turned out wonderfully. Hot tears don't stop running down my cheeks as that night flashes in my mind. What pushes me to stand up was the thought that I will never be able to laugh about that night with them again.
Louis, next to me, is rambling about our past adventures and Indigo, in the back seat is listening, quietly chuckling and occasionally adding commentary. I am driving back to our college, University of California, San Francisco. The rain is picking up quickly. My windshields are struggling to keep up.
"Remember last Summer? Louis asks, looking at Indie and laughing. No one has to say what happened, we remember everything.
"Yeah, that was so fun. Except for when you almost broke my foot," Indie rolled her eyes, laughing with sarcasm dripping in her voice.
"I didn't mean to!" A pause. "No one told me that the water was that shallow!" He defended.
"Well, it did was!" They giggled remembering Louis quietly put his drink down of the edge of the boat and walk stealthily up to Indigo to push her in. She shrieked and tried to pull him down with her but fell right on her ankle. She cried out in pain, Louis must have apologized one hundred times that day but we ended up laughing about it.
I was laughing to hard there were tears in my eyes as I drove. Everything became blurry and the next thing I know, there was a loud honk and everything stopped.
"I love you guys, I'm sorry," I whispered hoping they heard me.
The last texts in our group chat still remains.
"What time are we driving today?" Louis had sent that morning.
"We've talked about it one million times, idiot. She's picking us up at four." Indigo snapped back.
"No need for the attitude, missy."
I throw my phone in the road out of frustration and hear it get crushed by a truck.
I pull at my hair, and will myself to stop crying. But then, the flashback plays again, and I can literally see the accident unfolding infant of me on this very bridge. All at once, I put my arms over my chest, breathe what I hope to be my last breath, close my eyes, and jump.