The weekend soon comes, and Friday night brings a common room full of excited fans and nervous players. I sit next to Sirius on the couch, one knee pulled up to my chest as James paces in front of me, staring at the endless strategies scribbled down on the parchment in his hands. Marcus and Caradoc are probably the only two not gathered around James in an anxious wreck, and that's because they're doing their 'Four Lucky Beers' tradition. Some superstition they follow like a religion, drinking every night before a game.
The only thing keeping me calm is Sirius, who is drawing circles on the knee I'm not grasping onto for dear life. As usual I push down any butterflies I feel and just hope it will all blow over eventually, because I know that it will only end up with me getting hurt. It's just not something I want to get involved in, but right now my odds aren't looking so good.
This past week, I feel like Sirius has really been trying to get with me. Not just a hook up, but he goes out of his way to spend time with me. I want to ask why, but I'm afraid I'll scare him away, and I enjoy his company too much to put our friendship at risk. I like what we have, even if we can never be more. As much as my emotions tell me I want to.
I have a crush on Sirius Black, and there's nothing I can do about it.
In spite of myself, and just to prove how little pride I have left, when I feel myself getting tired, I lean on Sirius's shoulder. I feel him tense up, and then he puts his arm around me and I nuzzle into his chest, just taking advantage of what I've got while it lasts. I let my eyes close, and just listen to James chatter on to the remainder of the team while Sirius starts drawing circles on my shoulder instead. I once again find myself breathing in his scent, tobacco and vanilla overwhelming my senses and making me dizzy with desire. I want so badly to open my eyes and kiss him, but I know better. I have to keep control.
Then soon I'm lying on his lap, and his hand is combing through my hair. I'm still awake as most of the players go to bed, leaving just James sitting down in an arm chair and running both his hands through his already tussled hair.
"Relax man," Sirius says, watching his best friend torture himself, "I'm sure you guys will do fine."
"We have to win this game, Padfoot." James groans, "It's my first game as captain, and I've been running them all so hard. If we lose it'll all be for nothing."
"That's not true," I say, "We play Quidditch because we like the sport, it's not all about winning . . . although that would be nice."
James just groans again, and I sit up, yawning as Sirius makes a noise of protest.
"We should sleep, unless you'd rather stay up and continue this self destructive behaviour," I say as I stand up, patting James on the back as I head for the stairs, "Your choice."
"See you in the morning," James grumbles as he too stands up and heads for the dorms, leaving me to lean on the wall by the staircase and watch him go. Sirius then stands up and approaches me. I don't back down as he walks up to me and puts his arm on the wall above me, the other one stuffed in his pocket as I cross my arms and raise an eyebrow.
"Can I help you with something?" I ask softly, a small smirk tugging at my lips as he looks down at me, his hair framing his face perfectly from where I stand and stare up at him. Into his stormy grey eyes, which I've noticed always have that twinkle in them when we make eye contact. I feel my heart jump as he slowly leans in, and I force my eyes to not flutter closed, wanting his lips on mine.
But he just swoops his head down, his lips by my ear.
"Good luck tomorrow, Milton," he whispers, and my nails dig into my skin as my heart beat picks up, "I'll be cheering you on from the stands."
He pulls himself back up and uses his arm to push himself off the wall before placing his other hand in his pocket and scanning my face for a reaction. By the smug look on his face, I've delivered, but I quickly smirk to hide my flustered state.
"I'll keep an eye out for you, Black."
He smirks as well, winking at me before heading up the boys' staircase and leaving me to close my eyes and stifle my smile. I swear under my breath and push my butterflies away, pressing my hands to my cheeks to cool them off as I ascend my own staircase and enter the dorm room. Everyone is lounged around on their beds, chatting with each other and glancing at me as I walk in.
"I'm just not sure I believe it," Marlene is saying, grinning wildly as Lily seems to share her excitement.
"But you would say yes if he asked?" the ginger says, both of them on Marlene's bed in their pyjamas.
"I mean, yeah. I could go for a relationship right now," she responds nonchalantly, "I just never expected him to want to commit."
They both squeal slightly, and I grin at their antics as I head over to the window and look outside, making a big deal out of my actions.
"What are you doing, Cass?" Mary asks.
"I'm just looking for the blue moon," I say before turning, "because I did not just hear that Marlene McKinnon wants a relationship."
I grin and flop down on my bed as they all laugh, getting me excited already.
"Well? What's the gossip?" I ask, and Lily walks over to her own bed and gets under her covers.
"I overheard James talking to Sirius," she starts, tying her fiery hair into a way too perfect bun atop her head, "and he said he was seriously thinking about asking Marlene out."
"What? James? I thought he had his hooks in you." I frown in confusion, getting into my own four poster as Marlene grins uncontrollably.
"No, not James." Lily rolls her eyes, "Sirius."
My smile nearly falters, but luckily I catch it, looking between the two girls.
"No way," I say, turning to the blonde, "Sirius wants to ask you out?"
She nods, squealing again, "I mean, he was always there as a hookup, but I think he's really matured in the last month. He seems like he wants to commit."
"Wow," I say, acting excited and ignoring the pit that has settled in my stomach and driven all the butterflies away. I turn to Lily, "And you heard him say that?"
"Yep," she says positively, and all my hope is crushed, "Couldn't believe it. Thought I was dreaming."
"Well, that's," I laugh dryly, trying my best to put on a mask to hide my disappointment and self spite, "that's great."
"Yeah, I give it a week," Dorcas says, not glancing up from her book as I lie down, cursing myself.
How could I be such an idiot? Honestly. I know guys like Sirius, and I know that they mess around with girls all the time. I let this get way out of hand, and now I'm paying for it.
But it hurts all the more that he's not uninterested in me because of his pact to be a player, but simply because he likes Marlene instead. He's ready to commit, just not to me.
I tug the knife from my heart and patch up the wound in one swift moment, focusing on getting a good night's sleep and winning the game tomorrow.
***
"Potter! Potter! Potter!" The stands cheer James on as he enters the field first, and after the rest of the team follows closely, all of us holding our brooms, their yells melt into many other names. Most of the crowd will be cheering for Gryffindor, as they're tired of Slytherin's snobbiness and tendencies to be assholes. I haven't been at every single Quidditch game in my time here at Hogwarts, but I do know that the last time Gryffindor won the cup was when I was in my second year. They've come close in the last two, but something unfortunate always happens, like Slytherins cheating or Ravenclaw racking up ten times the points we have.
My palms are sweaty as I grip my broom and step onto the pitch, where hundreds of students are all screaming different things. It looks like nearly the whole school is here, students occupying every seat.
The Slytherin team lines up parallel to us along the centre of the field. Square on, I face Mulciber, who of course is one of the Beaters on Slytherin along with Dolohov, who Marcus faces on my right. James faces Emma Vanity, the captain of the team and a Chaser as well. Mary's little brother faces Rodolphus Lestrange, a nasty seventh year with crooked teeth and slicked back hair. Dorcas faces Lucius Malfoy, another seventh year with hair platinum blond pulled back into a low ponytail as he sneers at his match up. Emmeline Vance faces Evan Rosier, who slinks around with Mulciber's friend group and whom I believe is a sixth year. And finally, there's Caradoc, our seeker, who faces Slytherin's own Regulus Black.
In short, we have to beat them.
"Captains, step forward!" Madam Hooch shouts, and James takes a step towards Emma, who glares at him, "I want a clean game from you both. No foul play. Understand?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"No foul play my ass," I mutter to Marcus, and he snickers.
"Good. Now shake." She brings her whistle to her lips as I clutch my bat tighter in my right hand. James and Emma back up to the line once more, and then the whistle is blown, and the game is on.
I take to the air, winking at Marcus, who just grins at me, knowing our plan. The perks of practicing so many times a week? We've got a strategy.
"And they're off!" I hear the amplified voice of Don McLaggen call through the pitch as he commentates the game. I'm surprised McGonagall let him do it considering how much he swears, "Potter has got the quaffle, and he's headed straight for goal! Passes to Meadowes, on to MacDonald! Back to Potter. Shoots! Scores!"
The crowd erupts in cheers, and James high fives Dorcas before they return to half and attack once more. I smirk to myself as Evan Rosier looks angry.
I have to focus, so I tune out Don and instead pay attention to the bludgers and where they're headed.
The first ten minutes of the game fly by easy, Marcus and I performing our strategy of aiming both bludgers at one player. So far the score is seventy to fifty, and it's getting rough.
"That's a foul!" Dorcas shouts as she gets an elbow in the face from Rodolphus, "He's cobbing like mad!"
Hooch ignores her as Slytherin gets the quaffle and weaves through our defence, Malfoy about to shoot when I hit a bludger at him. I watch as he extends his arm to shoot, and the iron ball hits him straight in the elbow.
The sickening crack can be heard by the whole stands it seems, and we all watch as Lucius is sent off of his broom and hurtling towards the ground.
"Shit!"
The crowd makes conflicting noises as Marcus flies to my side with a massive grin on his face. I nudge him, stifling my own smile as Dolohov and Lestrange speed down and manage to catch their player before he hits the grass.
We all head to the ground, and once I dismount my broom, I am met with an angry Mulciber in my face.
"Think it's funny that you almost killed our player, huh?" He shouts as he approaches me. I feel anger brew in me, but I just smirk.
"No, but I do think it's funny that you were hooking up with a second year on Friday." I stand my ground, referring to when I was going to the washroom and saw Mulciber trading DNA with a twelve year old Hufflepuff. Maybe she was thirteen, but still, "Can't get any girls your own age?"
His temper is short, so I should've seen the fist flying my way before it connected with my jaw. After that, the crowd bursts into shouts and cheers as Marcus and Caradoc tackle Mulciber to the ground. Soon James, Lestrange, and Rosier are all in the mix, and it's a full on brawl. I stagger backwards from the punch, my jaw dislocated. People in the stands gasp as I clutch it in pain before taking a deep breath and relocating it easily.
"What the hell did she just do?!"
"Holy shit!"
I wave them off as Hooch continuously blows her whistle until the fight disperses, both fists and faces covered in blood, but no one really knows whose.
"Enough!" Hooch screeches, "Malfoy, get to the Hospital Wing, you'll be fine by morning. As for the rest of you, back on the field and no more of this!"
"Mulciber threw the first punch and you know it!" Caradoc shouts, but one glare from the woman he yells at and he's putting his hands up in surrender, mounting his broom and taking to the air.
"You all right, Milton?" Hooch asks, and I nod, grinning slightly but wincing at the pain.
"All good, ma'am."
She nods tersely before beckoning on Malfoy's substitute, a third year who looks deathly nervous to be playing.
Once we're all back in the air, the game is back on, the tension thicker than ever. Bludgers fly here and there, and about seven times I get squashed between Dolohov and Mulciber as they try and take me to the ground in any way possible. No matter how many elbows I get to the face or bludgers I have to dodge, I don't yell at Hooch for the obvious fouls. It's a dirty game, and I can take it.
My nose is bleeding by the half an hour mark, and I feel my eye puffing up and turning black as I hit a bludger at Emma and knock her broom sideways, sending the quaffle straight into Emmeline's hands.
I get body checked by Mulciber, and he growls at me as I'm sent upside down before rolling back upright. He glances at Hooch as I gain my balance, and upon seeing she's looking the other way, he smirks and swings his bat. Though not at a bludger, oh no. He aims straight for my head and I don't see it coming.
The bat connects with my cheekbone, and the entire crowd sees it as I'm sent hanging off my broom by two arms, struggling to keep grip as the stands explode.
It's not the usual shouts of anger, this time every house except Slytherin seems to be screaming in rage at the most disrespectful foul they've probably ever seen.
Hooch looks over at us, her eyes widening as she sees the gash in my face and me hanging from my broom. Mulciber has already flown a few feet away, smirking as he pretends to be innocent while my fingers slip.
No matter how much pain I'm in from the strike, and no matter how I know I'm about to fall off of my broom, I still grin. Everything is in slow motion as the fans boo Mulciber and Don McLaggen screeches about the incident into the microphone, alerting everyone of his dirty work with a swear-word-ridden play by play. But I just smile, and once people realize why, their booing turns to cheering as they look away from me and instead see Caradoc, whose arm is held high in the air, the golden snitch between his fingers.
Everyone cheers, including me, although that doesn't last long when my fingers finally slip and I'm sent hurtling to the ground. People scream in terror, which is more than what they did when Lucius fell.
My own shout is hitched in my throat when I'm caught suddenly by Marcus, who flies with no hands as he grins.
"Holy shit, Milton!" He laughs, and so do I, "I've never seen someone get hit like that!"
"I'm gonna kill Mulciber!" James says as we hit the ground and he hands me my broom, although his anger is hard to believe considering the wide grin on his face. I can't help myself, and I jump out of Marcus's arms and leap into his. He hugs me back as I straddle his waist and whoop, my fist in the air as we rush into the group hug that Gryffindor has formed. The score board reads 270 — 110, and Don's swear littered rant about how Mulciber is a deadman has dissolved into his exclamation of our victory.
I look up at the stands, a wide grin on my aching face as I'm perched on Marcus's shoulders and we listen to the cheering and applause.
All my nerves have washed away and melted into excitement as some of the crowd rushes onto the pitch. Marcus drops me down, and I hug him tightly, his arms wrapping around me as well. I see Sirius walking towards me over his shoulder, and I'm saddened once more by the fact that he likes Marlene.
Maybe that's why I don't pull away the minute Marcus connects his lips to mine.
I'm shocked at first. One of my brother's closest friends just made a move on me. But then suddenly, in the moment, it feels right, and I kiss him back briefly. Then I realize what I'm doing, and I pull away. I like Sirius, not Marcus. I have to tell him, even if he has the hots for Marlene.
"I've wanted to do that forever," he says, and I just smile, my eyes once again staring over his shoulder to see Sirius gone. I frown and look around, but the sea of kids is too thick, and I end up being hoisted back onto Marcus's shoulders as we head back to the change rooms.
The party starts in the common room the minute the first student gets in, and once the team enters, all of us having showered and changed back at the pitch, the room bursts into cheers. James gets about a million pats on the back for a successful first match as captain, and Caradoc gets loads of praise for his catch, although not many people actually saw it.
"Milton! Milton! Milton!" I frown as people chant my name, and a drink is shoved into my hand as some seventh year ruffles my hair and grins.
"That was the most badass thing I have ever seen in my life!" She shouts over the noise, raising my arm in the air as if I just won a wrestling match.
I don't exactly know what she's referring to, and I don't really care, because I've got one thing on my mind and one thing only: I need to find Sirius.
I weave through the crowd and try and see the familiar dark hair, or those piercing, stormy, twinkling grey eyes. Any sign of him at all, but there is none.
The noise gets to be a little too much as everyone gets drunk and starts dancing, so I slip up a staircase, only to find exactly the guy I'm looking for.
Lip-locked with Marlene.
"Oh my god!" I say in shock, looking away from where Marlene's leg is being held by Sirius, who holds her against the wall and kisses her passionately. No matter how quickly I cover my eyes, the image is still imprinted in my brain, and my heart sinks straight into my stomach. "Sorry, guys. Didn't mean to . . . Interrupt."
They pull away from each other, and Marlene smirks at me. I stare at Sirius, but after glancing briefly at me, he just avoids my gaze, leaning down to Marlene's ear.
"Let's go to my room," he mutters, but for some reason I can hear it clear as day, even over the pounding bass leaking from downstairs. She giggles and nods, and he takes her hand as she waves at me and follows him to his dorm room. I watch them go, sadness ebbing away at me as Lily's words ring true. I thought maybe she had misheard James and Sirius, but I guess she didn't. Sirius really does like Marlene. Who would've thought.
I feel like crying and I'm not even sure why. I didn't really like him that much, it was just infatuation. He's a player, I have to know that.
But it just seemed different, especially recently. He's always there for me, and I just can't imagine him hurting me like he does every other girl.
But that's the thing. He did hurt me, maybe without realizing it, but it still hits nearly as hard.
I push my tears back in a sudden surge of anger. I'm not letting a stupid boy ruin this win for me. I just got beat to a bloody pulp in order to pull through with this, and I am not about to have my triumph be tainted by a dainty crush.
So I head back downstairs, and I have a drink. And then I have another. And another. Soon everything is blurry as people keep handing me alcohol and I keep gulping it down. The music doesn't stop and neither do I. Soon I'm breaking it down on the dance floor, and people cheer me on as a tie is wrapped around my head and a permanent lopsided grin etches it's way onto my face.
The last thing I remember is being pulled away by Marcus and kissing him until my lips hurt.