I just needed a minute to calm down...Fuck. Come on emotions, just stop existing again! Ok, deep breaths in and out. You are fine, everything is fine. Push them down and stop being a drama queen. Forget what you are feeling and get back to your friends and your father, who cooked for all of you! Nobody deserves your mood swings Jax, come on, pull it together. You have done it before, you can do it again. It wasn't even that bad, why was I getting so worked up about this?
I wiped away the tears, that unwillingly left my eyes, as I took deep breaths, looking into the mirror. Stop it, don't let your emotions get the best of you. Don't let Charles control you like that. He only tried, ok? You weren't raped, so stop crying! I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths. Fuck. They were probably downstairs, talking about it. Would Nick tell them everything? Maybe. I didn't want them to know. Yes I loved and trusted my friends, but it wasn't that big of a deal and I just...I wanted to forget! I didn't want this minor inconvenience to control every aspect of my life.
So I continued taking deep breaths. I would just go downstairs again, saying that I was fine and change the subject. Maybe ask Luke, Amelie and Blake how school was going and how they were preparing for the finals. Lame, I know, but at least I wouldn't have to talk about myself anymore. I knew Nick felt incredibly bad and wanted nothing more than my forgiveness, since he probably thought I was going to end whatever it was that we had, but I wasn't. Because I wasn't angry at him. I was angry at myself for one, letting Charles get that far and two, for having such strong emotions towards the situation.
Yes it wasn't right of him to just tell the squad and my dad what had happened, but I wasn't really angry at him. And even if I was, I wouldn't just go and end our...whatever, just because of that. Taking deep breaths helped and when I felt my emotions retreating to the back of my mind, I opened my eyes, looking at myself. I was fine. So I walked towards the door, opening it and just as I was about to leave, I looked into Blakes eyes, as he had his fist raised, since he obviously had been about to knock on my door.
"Oh. Hey...I was just about to go back downstairs" I said and Blake raised an eyebrow. I knew exactly what he was thinking, so I sighed before saying "I'm fine, lets just continue having a nice dinner" In my opinion I was pretty convincing, but Blake only scoffed, shaking his head.
"Yeah, right. Come on big guy, lets talk" he said, pushing past me and walking into my room, before sitting down on my bed. Blake was probably the only person I would even be able to talk to right now, but still, if I closed that door and sat down besides him, I would break all the barriers I just build. Was I ready for that? Hell no. But I also knew that Blake would most probably help me somehow...I didn't know how, because he was an idiot sometimes, but also surprisingly wise for an 18 year old. I guess if life fucks you up, you just walk out of there, knowing more than before. So I sighed, closing my bedroom door again and joining Blake on the bed.
We were quiet for a moment, not even really looking at each other. I think Blake was giving me some space and time to say what I wanted to say. We both knew what we were going to talk about, so either one of us just had to make the first move to do so.
"Did Nick tell you guys everything?" I asked, because that was the first thing that came to mind. Blake sighed, shaking his head.
"No. After you left, your dad tried to get Nick to tell him everything that had happened, but he said, that that was all he knew, since you refused to talk about the matter. Now I don't know if that was true or not, but I think he's really sorry for dropping that bomb on all of us without your consent. I told them, that it also wasn't their place to talk about this without you and then I send them all home, since I knew you needed some space right now. I hope you are alright with that?" Blake asked and I nodded, because in all honesty, I wasn't really ready to go down there and face all of them again.
"I'm really sorry that happened to you and I just-...its ok to be angry, sad whatever you feel, you know?" Blake said and I clenched my jaw, because this just showed me how over dramatic I was. Blake literally lived through hell and that twice, I was lucky and could escape before it got really serious, so I had no right to act like this. "Thank you Blake, but I don't really. Nothing happened, so I don't know why I can't just pull it together" I said, shaking my head. Blake fell quiet for a moment, saddened by my words, but I didn't know by which part.
"Jaxson, after Ray...after the first time it happened to me, I also tried to push my feelings away and act all tough. It brought me right back in that hell, just because I was too proud and also scared to admit that what had happened actually happened and then it was very fucking bad. Just because that fucker 'only' tried to make you his victim, but didn't succeed, doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to be upset about it! Just by trying, he probably did a lot of damage and it's ok to be angry at him and life for doing that to you. It's ok to cry for once and not push your feelings away. When I did that, you know what I also started? Cutting. It was a coping mechanism, sure, but I should have gotten help right away" Blake spoke and I bit my cheek, trying to hold back the tears. I couldn't even look at him or else I would start bawling my eyes out.
"And you had every right to react the way you did just now. I hope you know, that Nick only meant well and probably hoped that your father would take care of that piece of shit, that hurt you like this, but he had no right to tell us your story. It was yours to tell and you are allowed to be frustrated and hurt, because you had a right to decide when and if to tell us. You want to forget, I understand that oh to well, but what you have to realize is, that that won't happen. I'm so sorry to tell you, but it just won't. If you work hard, you can one day happily live with the memories and see past them, but as long as you push them away, they will fight back even harder" Blake said and I exhaled deeply, nodding my head.
"Again, I'm so sorry Nick did that, but you know...he's an idiot and I guess he just cares for you. Do you want to talk about it? Or anything else? We could also just talk about...football or...public toilets I don't care, just tell me what you need" Blake smiled and I never appreciated him more than in that moment. He understood me and my situation, more than I would like, but it was like he knew exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. And there was one thing I now more than ever wanted to talk about.
"I actually...I do want to talk to you about something...So uh...I called Romeo a few weeks ago and I'm pretty sure he told you I was having some troubles with a straight guy" I said and Blake blushed, but he shouldn't be embarrassed, I knew Romeo and he shared any and everything with each other. And I didn't mind, at all actually. As a unite they were smarter and stronger anyway.
"Uhm...yeah, he mentioned something along the lines. Was that...the guy?" Blake asked hesitantly and I shook my head, laughing.
"No. Nah Charles never though he was straight. He actually approached me at a party and asked me out so...thats where that started I guess. But uhh no...thats not the guy I want to talk about. So I kind of have a problem, because uhh....that guy told me he loved me" I said and Blake scrunched his nose in response. "Ah uhh and now you want to know how to get rid of him?" he asked and I blushed, because anybody that knew me would have assumed that I was not on board with that.
"Actually..uh I kind of...love him too" I said and Blakes eyes widened about three times their original size, while his mouth gaped open and he stared at me, like I just told him I was a vampire. "Oh?" was all he could say and I chuckled, because I knew my friends would react that way.
"Yeah I was just as surprised, believe me. But uhh...so I guess we love each other, but he has some issues and I just...I don't know, I sound like a little girl, but I really...really need a commitment I guess. I never thought I would be that kind of guy who needs a label, but I just...I don't feel safe without it" I said and Blake nodded, still the surprise visible on his face.
"Yeah, I understand that. After what happened to me, I guess I was only able to be so free and happy with Romeo, because we were a couple and knew how we felt about each other. Its hard to open up to somebody again and if this is what you need to feel safe and happy, you have every right to do so, ok? So what does that guy say?" Blake asked and I bit my lip.
"Well uhh...I can't really tell you that without...saying too much, but basically, he is afraid he is going to loose me if he fucks up. He kind of doesn't know how to live without me I guess " I answered, because I didn't want to out Nick without his consent. Still, it was probably very obvious, who it was at that point and when Blakes eyes widened again and shock and surprise took over his face, I knew he had figured it out. "Ohhh. Ahhhh so you and-"
"I don't want to out him so...I'm gonna keep his name a secret, if you understand" I said, emphasizing, that we both knew who it was at that point, but we would never confirm it out loud.
"Yeah I understand that. Hm wow ok...I know how he feels I guess. When I was getting together with Romeo, I was so afraid of him hurting me, I made a lot of damage at the beginning. I never meant for it to escalate like that, but I was just really really scared, especially because I was very fragile back then. What helped me, I guess, was that Romeo made it very clear to me, that he was not going to leave. And he didn't do it with just words, but little gestures, I guess. So I would advice you to go to your mystery lover and tell him how you feel. That you need this and both of you are afraid of getting hurt. Just have an honest conversation and see where it takes you" Blake finished and I nodded, because that was really the only way to approach this, even if Nick didn't want to hear it while we were in Pine Hill.
"Right...I guess I will have to do that. Thank you man" I said and Blake patted me on the shoulder, before getting up and walking to the door. "No problem. If you ever want to talk about what happened, I will listen, ok? Oh and Jaxson, I'm really happy for you two. Also, could you, if you two become a couple and decide to tell us all, tell them it happened one month ago? I would loose 50 bucks and I'm broke as fuck so...if thats possible, thanks bro" Blake said and I rolled my eyes, chuckling, because of course my friends made a bet on how long it would take me and Nick to get together. Were we really the only ones who didn't know??
-
"Thank you Nancy and I will give my dad the spice mix" I said, holding up the bag of spices, before walking up the stairs. "No problem dear!" Nancy yelled after me and I was just happy, that she didn't try to cook a whole dinner for me again or something like that. I loved her, but sometimes, she was just too caring for my taste. I exhaled as I reach the top of the stairs, because I was honestly a bit nervous right now.
After my talk with Blake, I texted Nick, asking him if we could meet up today and he said yes, before proceeding to apologize a thousand times for the dinner the other day. But Blake was right, we needed to talk about this and not hide our feelings, again, because that brought us only misery and pain. This could honestly go either way and I was not ready for it. But otherwise neither Nick nor I myself, would find any peace and comfort in our visit here, if we kept on doing this.
Before I could even knock on the door, Nick had already ripped that one open, looking anxious as fuck. He must have heard me approaching his room or heard me talking to his mom downstairs. I wanted to say something, but before I could do that, Nicks face already dropped. "I'm so so so sorry Jaxson I-I don't...I had no right to tell them about Charles and everything I just...I was so angry at him and maybe I had hoped that...if somebody else knew about it, they could do more than just the beating I gave him....I'm so so so-" Nick said and the fear in his eyes was so painful, I couldn't help but quickly pull him into a hug. He stopped rambling and clung onto me, hugging me back with so much force as if he would lose me the second he let go.
"I know. I know you didn't mean it. Its alright, I still love you" I said and lead us into the room, closing the door behind myself, so we had some privacy. I slowly pulled away, but made sure to give Nick a smile, that showed him, that I meant what I had said and that he wouldn't lose me over this. That gave him enough strength to take a deep breath and let go of my shirt, but immediately reached for my hand, intertwining it with his. And my stomach felt warm and tingly again.
We walked over to his comfortable bed, where we sat down and both took a second to let our emotions settle down again. Nicks hand had pulled mine into his lap, as he caressed it with his, letting his fingers run over my palm and wrist, drawing circles that seemed to calm him down. It was as if he was treasuring the moment and that frightened me a bit. "Nick?" I asked, making him hesitantly look up to me.
"I love you, ok? I love you and that didn't change. You didn't lose me, I just...I was a bit emotional after that dinner. I wasn't angry at you for telling them what happened, I was angry at myself for feeling so strongly about it. I know that...I am allowed to be upset about what Charles did, but I'm not there yet and I just...I need some time, before I can confront myself with those feelings and be ok with them. And I guess I will need some help with that" I said, my lips twitching into a smile and Nicks did too, as he rubbed my hand. He didn't say anything, simply nodded and let me say what I needed to say.
"I just want you to know, that I wasn't really angry at you. Yes it was shitty, but I want you to know, that you will never ever lose me because of something like this, ok? Never" I said and Nick, nodded again, holding back the tears. I knew that he must have been very scared, since the dinner and that the relieve was probably a bit overwhelming right now, so I gave him time and my hand to caress, so he could calm down. He could have also cried, I would have comforted him, but if he didn't want to, that was also fine.
"But...that is actually not why I wanted to talk to you. After I...stormed off, Blake came to talk to me. We did have a chat about me being allowed to be angry at Charles and feeling what I am feeling towards the situation, but afterwards I...seeked some advice from him. Concerning you. I didn't tell him about you specifically, but somewhat explained the situation and he advised me to have an honest conversation with you, because I...I really need to get some stuff off my chest" I said and to my surprise, Nick only nodded, not seeming as anxious and worried as I had pictured him to be when I would tell him what I had practiced since yesterday.
"Yeah I uh...actually had a conversation with Romeo yesterday...I just...after you went to your room, I felt so so miserable and didn't even want to leave, but Romeo dragged me out of there, since he knew you needed your space. He drove me home, but before I could get out of the car, he told me that he knew I was that mysterious guy you had called him about. Well...after the way I reacted, I guess he kind of figured. I wasn't really nervous about it, I mean, its Romeo and he kind of had a talk with me and sat me straight" Nick said and I frowned in curiosity, because I really wanted to know what Romeo told him.
"But...please, I want you to go first and say what you wanted to say" Nick said, squeezing my hand and making me smile momentarily, because of how sweet he was acting right now. And I could crush that...with my confession, I could destroy that in a second, but Blake was right, I needed to get this off my chest already, before I was going insane. So I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the worst.
"Nick, I want you to know, that I do not want to force you out of the closet or to make a decision right now, I just need you to know how I feel, ok? It is only fair to the both of us, so here we go....I-...I can't do this without a commitment anymore...I can't sit here, telling you I love you, which is absolutely true and hearing you say that you love me as well, but not getting to call you my boyfriend. I just...after what happened with Charles, I need to feel safe I guess and I do not feel safe when you could only be using me. Now I am not accusing you of doing that and I am not thinking you are, but there is just this very evil and scary voice in my head, that tells me that there is a possibility of you getting tired of me, like all the girls you dated in your life" I said, already feeling a bit lighter, while my heart was hurting and fear rose in my chest.
"I can't kiss you and let you hold me, when this doesn't even mean anything. I was never a big fan of labels, but for me right now, it means safety. Safety of not getting hurt again. I don't want to force you to do anything right now, because frankly, if you aren't ready for a relationship, I don't know where that leaves us, but I need you to know, how I feel and this lack of commitment is a constant stress and anxiety factor for me. But I know before you can even think about this, I need to tell you and make sure that you really understand this: you are not going to lose me, ever. Even now, even if you tell me you never loved me and just wanted to keep experimenting, I would be so furious and maybe hit you, but you wouldn't lose me Nick" I said, only now realizing, that I was holding a tight grip around Nicks hand, but he didn't seem to mind.
"Because we are Nick and Jaxson, we just exist together and I wouldn't have it any other way. You said you can't live without me, because you don't know how? Well I can't live without you either. Who would tell dumb jokes and lighten my mood when I'm grumpy again? Who would massage my shoulders after a long game and cuddle me at night? Who could I laugh with about old memories from when we were younger? Who understands me like you do? Who could I love, so unconditionally like I love you? There is no replacing you Nick and I will respect any and every decision you make, but I just needed you to know, that I won't leave and how I feel at the moment" I finished, exhaling, because this was hard to say, even if it was easy at the same time.
Nick looked at me and his expression held a sad smile, that I couldn't really interpret. I gulped, because now came the actual hard part, Nicks answer. I hated being so open and vulnerable, but at the same time, if not with Nick than with who? I didn't rush him, I let him look at me the way I did and I returned an anxious expression, that I tried to control. Nicks lips twitched into a happy smile and I waited, because again, I had no idea what that meant.
"Fuck...how is it possible for me to love you so much? Like...I love you so so incredibly much I would literally learn to fly for you" he smiled, tears glistering in his eyes and his words were like music, that I yet refused to enjoy, since the next part could hurt me even more. Nick wiped away a tears, calming down a bit.
"You know...if you would have told me exactly that two days ago, I can't tell you how I would have reacted. I would have probably ended up being an ass, like always when I'm scared. But...after my talk with Romeo, I realized what a stupid idiot I already was! I have the perfect guy right in front of me, telling me he loves me and I love him so unconditionally and I am not going to date him? Am I fucking insane??" Nick asked, laughing and I wanted to join his laughter, but the evil liquid called tears slowly rose in my eyes.
"I just...I was afraid that if we would start dating and we were serious and I could end up losing you. But right now, I didn't even have you! I already lost you and kept losing you every day, because I was too stupid to realize, that putting a label on it would actually help me not fuck up! That if we would start dating, there was a real possibility that we would last forever. Or maybe just a few years, but those could be the best years of our lives! Either way, when Romeo asked me, why I didn't want to call you my boyfriend, I realized that I wanted nothing but to do exactly that!" Nick chuckled.
"That I wasn't just willing to hold you at night and tell you that I love you, but that I wanted to hold your hand in public and tell guys and girls to fuck off if they tried to flirt with you! That I want to build a future with you and I know it will be perfect, because you will be by my side the whole time! I fucking love you so much and...I guess I just needed a bit of help to get me to understand, that I would lose you, if I didn't fight for us. And I realized that I was hurting you by telling you I love you and touching you, but told you I didn't want a relationship just yet. I'm sorry for being a frightened idiot once again Jaxson, really, I let my fear get the best of me" he said and I chuckled between tears, because he was right. He was a idiot sometimes.
"So...I..if you can forgive me one last time Jaxson I just...I want to make you happy! I want to make you smile each and every day and I want to tell you I love you forever. I want to hold you at night and be held by you. I want to kiss you and punch guys that are looking at you in the wrong way. I want to hold your hand and I would really really like to tell everybody that my freaking boyfriend is Jaxson Scott! So Jaxson, would you...would you like to be my boyfriend?" Nick said and in his eyes I could see, that he actually meant all that. That he actually wanted this and my heart was pounding in my chest, as I leaned forward, pressing my lips against his.
"Of course. I would love to be your boyfriend" I smiled and Nick released a happy chuckle, before I dove back in, pressing my lips against his. But now that we were kissing, there was no guilt, no fear. Just us, alone, embracing each other and showing our love. Suddenly, Nick pulled away.
"Oh shoot! I still have to take you on a date! Jesus, see? That's exactly what I mean when I tell you, you deserve better than this" Nick sighed, shaking his head at his own stupidity.
"Nick, I do not need a date. The last date I went on didn't go so great, if you remember. I just need you and I don't care if we just chill in bed or order take out. I don't need that, lets rather save our money" I said and Nick looked at me, like I was an angel that just appeared in front of him.
"God you are so perfect! I love you" he said, diving in to embrace me in another kiss. I smiled against his lips, before replying "I love you too"
The kiss was tender, but it was slowly turning heated and actually...I didn't mind.
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They are a couple!! Whoohoo! Thank you all for the positive feedback I have received so far and I know you don't want this story to end, believe me, I don't want that either, but it has to. New things will come, believe me and I actually thought about starting a patreon (starting at 1$) where I would give you guys some extra Chapters like Romeo proposing to Blake, Chapter 43 out of Romeos pov, just stuff you guys could vote on. If you would like that, let me know!
Also a reminder that in three Chapters there will be the Q&A with all the Characters so go back to the Cast and comment some questions that you guys have.
Next Update will be on Monday
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Lots of Love - Hanna