"I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget."
_________________________
It's been five days since I first saw Gabriel and Castiel. Three days since Alaric and Aria's death. And a mere day since Livius addressed the pack, but the somber weight on everyone's shoulders never once eased.
As I walked down the hall to Livius' study, I was met with respectful bows and small smiles, but the silence and the utter sadness remained.
The entire pack was stricken with grief and I couldn't imagine the devastation that would no doubt overwhelm everyone at the funeral service today.
I wasn't ready to stand there, to watch that burial, and I knew Livius wasn't either. But we didn't have a choice, nor did we have the time to lock up until it felt okay to face the world again.
So we attempted to seek comfort in each other's presence, we helped each other, we shared our true emotions, and yet I still found myself concerned for my mate.
Ever since that tight embrace three days ago, he'd shown me no signs of hurting. That man hid his pain so well, it was almost terrifying. But I knew better than to believe whatever masks he was putting up for his pack and I.
But even so... I wouldn't push it. I wouldn't pester him to acknowledge his own hurt. But I'd be there when he did.
Smiling to myself, I moved the cup I held to my left hand, and raised the other to knock on the massive doors of his office before tugging them open and slipping inside.
Livius visibly paused at the sight, his brow arching as his lips quirked up ever so slightly. "Come to visit so soon?"
I rolled my eyes at his words, the door closing behind me while I made my way towards his cluttered desk. "Good morning to you too, mon chiot."
His expression visibly dampened at the nickname, and his lips pursed in obvious irritation, causing me to let out a low laugh.
Carefully, I set down the coffee cup before him and then circled around to lean against his desk, my eyes taking in his reaction.
He eyed it suspiciously, those cerulean blue eyes narrowing in curiosity. "What's this?"
I moved to stand behind him, my arms wrapping around his neck as I leaned my chin against his shoulder. "I know you've been pulling all-nighters since this whole mess started, and there's nothing I can do to stop you," I murmured in response. "I thought the least I could do was make you coffee."
"I'm surprised you haven't spilled it all over my papers yet."
I nearly strangled him at that.
Here I was being a decent mate, and he was just sitting there making jokes about my past errors.
Instead, I huffed and moved to pull my arms away, only to pause when he wrapped a large hand around my forearm. "You know I'm only teasing, moon."
I pouted, my head still resting on his shoulder. "I was being nice."
He let out a deep chuckle at that, my lips pulling into a soft smile as he reached forward to take a sip of the fresh brew. "Thank you, my love."
I practically melted as he turned his head and leaned forward to capture my lips in a sweet kiss, his hand coming up to brush over my hair.
"It was the least I could do," I whispered again, my eyes meeting his own when he didn't move his face away, those sinful lips still just centimeters away.
"Come here," he muttered after hearing my response, his chair sliding away from the desk as he ran a tired hand through his hair.
I frowned, my brows dipping in disagreement. "Aren't you busy with-"
My words were cut off when he tugged me down himself, my body slipping into his lap before he wrapped his arm securely around me, his head falling into my neck.
We were silent for a few moments, my mind basking in the rays of his attention, while my hand drew mindless circles on his chest. We both seemed to be lost in the comfort and the sparks we brought each other.
But unfortunately, those few peaceful seconds shattered when Livius spoke again. "The funeral is today...." he said quietly, his voice trailing off.
My hand stopped at the clear anguish in his voice, and I found myself leaning closer to him, my fingers falling away to intertwine with his own. "Are you alright?"
It was a stupid question that I already knew the answer to, but I had to ask, I had to make sure he knew I cared enough to do so, to want to hear it from him.
He pulled away to glance down at me, those dim blue eyes tearing at my heart. "We just have to get through today," was his response.
I offered him another soft smile, my other hand coming up to cup his cheek, my thumb stroking his cheekbone. "I'll be right there once it's all over," I promised, my eyes searching his own.
He covered my fingers with his own, his hand pulling them away so that he could press a lingering kiss to my knuckles. "I know you will."
A moment later, I found myself briefly looking away from him, a part of me unable to handle the intensity of his gaze. "I'm going to visit Mrs. Estienne today," I mumbled silently, my head leaning against his chest.
He stiffened at that, his body going rigid as his arms tightened around me. "What happened to going together?"
I threw a meaningful look at the mess of papers all over his desk. "I don't think that's possible with all that's going on," I murmured, my hand returning to his chest.
He moved to say something, but I only shook my head. "It's alright, Livius. Just make sure you offer their father your condolences."
My mate frowned, his lips dipping in displeasure. "Are you sure you're alright going alone?"
I simply nodded, my hand coming up to gently trail over his cheek. "You've got too much on your plate," I told him instead, my own words making me pause.
Now that I think about it...
He seemed to realize where our conversation was going because he loosened his grip on me, his eyes falling away from my own.
"Hey, when was the last time you ate anything?" I asked, almost disbelievingly.
I couldn't believe this was the first time I had thought about this. Elijah and Maria had made sure I'd eaten these past few days, but Livius was always elsewhere, this entire investigation being the only thing on his mind.
"Do not worry over me, my love," he responded instead, while he rolled his eyes. "I'm fine."
"Don't lie." I narrowed my eyes at him before slipping out of his arms and coming to stand a few feet away.
He only shrugged, his pale eyes glued to my own. "I don't have much of an appetite, moon."
I know that feeling.
My expression softened at his words, and whatever sternness had managed to surface seemed to disappear into thin air.
I blinked down at his large form, my heart breaking at the same dull look that lingered in his eyes, the bright blue somehow dimming down to an empty, broken gray.
He'd never come out with whatever he was feeling, not so soon, but that simple change in his eyes was enough to answer whatever questions I had.
"I'm making the Estienne family dinner today when I go and visit," I murmured, coming back to his side, my arms once again casually draping around his shoulders in silent comfort. "I'll bring you some too."
He gave me a small smile when I tilted my head to press my lips to his cheek in a fleeting kiss. "I'm starting to understand why you hate it when I fuss," he joked, but the sadness in his eyes didn't fade.
"Our roles have been reversed," I said with a quiet laugh, before slowly pulling away and moving to make my way towards the door. "I'll see you in a bit, hm?"
I paused when his hand slid around my wrist, and he gently tugged me back, his form towering over me as he fully stood up. "You're just going to leave like that?"
My brows dipped in confusion, before I rolled my eyes and stood on my toes to give him a sweet kiss, my lips sliding over his own in a silent admission of what I felt for him. "You're such a baby."
He only chuckled, his hand coming up to push a few strands of my hair away from my face. I frowned when he continued to blink down at me for a few seconds longer, those piercing sapphire eyes glued to my face.
"What?" I questioned, searching his face in confusion.
Livius shook his head, his hand trailing down to my cheek as he cupped my face again. "I truly don't say this often enough," he murmured quietly, his eyes breaking away from my own to follow the movements of his hand. "But fuck, you're beautiful."
I paused at his words, my eyes widening ever so slightly, before my lips pulled into the smallest grin. "Still not as pretty as you."
He shot me a pointed look, the soft look on his face melting into a scathing glare as his hand fell away.
Oops, guess that wasn't the response he was expecting.
He scowled. "Somehow, you always manage to find a way to ruin every special moment."
I let out a laugh at the grumble in his words, and instead took a step towards him. With the smallest smile, I wrapped my arms around his neck, my forehead leaning against his own as I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent. "I really should get going," I mumbled.
Almost instinctively, he wrapped his arms around my waist, while subtly easing me closer. "I know."
We both fell silent for a few moments, my fingers playing with the silky strands of his growing black hair. "I won't be gone long. I'm just dropping by," I promised, my eyes searching his own.
He didn't let me go. "I know."
I was preparing myself to comment on his sudden possessiveness, but he spoke first.
"A gentle reminder that I love you, ma reine," he whispered quietly and my response was on the tip of my tongue, the words I'd been meaning to return dancing on my lips, but he continued talking, his own actions unknowingly cutting me off. "Their home is a bit deep into the woods. Take one of my council members with you. Sebastian, Julian, Elias, any of them. Or even one of my generals if you like, I'm sure they won't mind, yeah?"
I nodded as he pulled away, my eyes searching his face again after he gave me one last lingering kiss on my forehead.
I suppose it could wait.
He moved to sit back down while I made my way to the door, my lips pulling up into one last farewell smile as I strode out.
It really could wait.
********************
"I told you," I groaned, readjusting the phone between my ear and my right shoulder, while I handed Sebastian, Elias, and Julian the trays of food I'd cooked for the Estienne family. "It's not safe."
"You're not safe!" Mrs. Valentina responded, her voice rising ever so slightly with concern. "Two pack members were killed, and Gabriel is still running free, Alexandria. I can't stay away any longer."
"Mrs. Valentina, please, I can take care of myself," I muttered while fully slipping out of the car, and pausing in front of the residence that stood before me. "You don't have to worry about me. Please just take care of your work in London.Your business is your passion, don't forsake it on my behalf."
"I should've flown in the moment I found out you were in France." She loosed a sigh. "Baby, I know Gabriel. He was one of the most ruthless men on your father's council. Always doing what he saw fit, regardless of how gruesome.
"Please don't underestimate what else he can do to not only the pack, but to you. Just because he is a fellow fae does not mean his intentions are any better. You've come to trust his loyalty to your race, but that man does what he wants," she told me over the line, her voice tired.
I leaned against the car, my mind tucking away this new information. "I hear you. And I understand your concern. But please save your visit until after we're certain he's at least out of the territory."
"No promises."
"Alright, Ma'am." I let out a small laugh at her stubbornness. "I need to go visit Mrs. Estienne."
She was quiet for a moment. "You cooked her entire family dinner, didn't you?"
I laughed again. "The Arab side of me could never show up to someone's home empty handed. My mother would never forgive me," I admitted quietly, my voice dimming ever so slightly at the mention of my biological mother.
She let out a quiet chuckle. "Good luck, sweetie. And please be careful with your words. I know how blunt you can be."
"Ha ha," I laughed drily, before exchanging goodbye's with her and swiftly hanging up.
Apparently, the entire supernatural world was aware of the new threat to the Alpha King's pack, and she was so concerned she was ready to book the next flight here. Hopefully I managed to talk her out of it, but who knows what she'll do.
When Mrs. Valentina sets her mind on something, there's simply no changing it.
I let out a sigh before grabbing the last tray from the car, and turning back to the group of men who'd accompanied me. "Y'know, only one of you needed to escort me," I said while we crossed the lovely front yard belonging to the Estienne family.
"Exactly," Sebastian sighed, his eyes narrowing on Elias and Julian. "I could've gotten her here just fine."
Elias simply glowered back. "I came to make sure your dumb ass didn't drive our queen into a tree on the way here."
"And I came to make sure the two of them don't ruin your mood with their constant arguing," Julian added, shooting them both meaningful looks, his green eyes saying a thousand words.
I rolled my eyes at their antics.
I suppose some things never change.
"Alright," I murmured as we stopped on the porch, and gestured for them to set down what they held. "I'll take it from here."
I smiled as they put everything down, Julian being the first to finish. "I really wish we could stay," he sighed dejectedly, those piercing green eyes dimming with disappointment.
I shot him a small smile before giving him a quick hug. "It's fine. Go find Gabriel's ass and torch him for me."
He gave me a fleeting grin at that before stepping away when Elias moved to pull me into a quick hug as well. "Just call either Julian and I if you need anything, Luna. Stop relying on the dumbass glaring holes into my back right now."
I let out a quiet laugh while he pulled away, my eyes drifting to a scowling Sebastian. "Don't bully my bestie," I huffed jokingly as he too stepped aside.
Elias only shook his head. "I can't believe you actually claim him," was his quiet retort as he began walking back to the car, Julian waving at me one last time before joining him.
Sebastian rolled his eyes as he tugged me into my third farewell hug of the day. "Who doesn't claim me?" he questioned, his voice an irritated grumble as he rested his chin on top of my head.
I only chuckled in response, the sound brief even to my own ears. A moment later, Sebastian pulled away, his hands slipping into his pockets while he peered down at me.
"You alright?" he asked softly, finally sobering up.
I nodded, and attempted to clamp down on the lingering guilt I still felt. "You?"
The sadness and remorse that danced within all of their eyes did not go unnoticed by me. Everyone in the pack was hit with the pain of losing another, regardless of how close they were to the victims.
And knowing that they were only children is devastating enough on its own.
"We're keeping it together," Seb murmured in response, and silently leaned down to press a kiss to my cheek.
I offered another small smile at that, and he returned it. "Call me if you need anything," he said, emphasizing the word 'me'.
"Nah, Livius seems like a better option," I responded, attempting to lighten the heavy mood, and he huffed before turning to walk away.
"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."
I watched as he childishly stuck his tongue out at me while making his way to the car.
Loser.
My lips quirked up at the sight of him though.
Although, how they managed to "keep it together" was beyond me.
My hand hovered over the doorbell as I turned back to face it, but I stiffened when I felt a strange feeling slither up my spine, my head immediately turning to glance back at the woods beyond, the lingering trail marks of Sebastian's car the only thing in sight.
But still that feeling of being watched lingered, and I surveyed the forest carefully, my gaze darting back and forth between the tree line and deeper within as I immediately focused my magic on my eyes, the power swiftly enhancing my vision.
And yet the only thing that stood out to me were a few broken twigs besides a tree several meters away, as though someone had just been standing there.
My eyes narrowed.
Gabriel?
Was he out there? Would he really risk being caught like this?
Instinctively, I turned back around, already preparing to head in that direction but I was stopped dead in my tracks when the front door swung open and a soft voice reached my ears.
"Luna?"
My eyes widened when they locked with a pair of tired grey ones, all prior thoughts fleeing me as Mrs. Estienne came to stand before me.
She was a middle aged woman, her skin flushed and pale, and her eyes the color of sterling silver. I said nothing, my jaw slightly hanging open while my eyes flitted back to the tree line before I shook my head to fully dismiss my thoughts.
You're not here to investigate.
My lips pulled up into a small smile and she dropped her gaze to the trays resting over the bench on her porch, before seeming to remember herself.
Quickly, she sketched a careful bow, her eyes falling to her feet and her head tilting in respect.
"Please," I shook my head, shocking her when my arms instead slid around her frame and I pulled her into a hug. "There's no need for any of that."
She went rigid for a moment before slowly hugging me back, her movements slow and tired as her arms slipped around me.
After a few moments we both pulled away and I gave another tentative smile. "Please. Call me Alexandria."
She searched my face for another second or two before carefully returning my smile. "It is not proper, Luna."
I shook my head again, a part of me already used to that answer before I moved to pick up one of the platters and turn back to her. "Is it alright if I come in?"
"Goddess, Luna," she said, her eyes widening at what sat on her porch. "You really shouldn't have troubled yourself..."
I smiled again. "It's the least I could do."
Her eyes dimmed at that, her expression visibly falling away and my heart hurt at the sight, at her loss.
But before I could say a thing, she turned back, her voice rising enough to be heard from upstairs. "Adrian! Get down here, son."
She had another son?
Again, my heart stung at the pain he too was feeling. Goddess, I hated this. Hated everything that was happening.
There was nothing I wouldn't give to have those children here right now. To turn this visit into a casual greeting rather than an offering of condolences. To return home to a mate who wasn't wracked with grief, and a pack house that wasn't silenced with sorrow.
I wanted to be back in Paris, standing before the Eiffel Tower, with Livius' arms around me as we swayed before the lights.
But the goddess didn't care what I desired. Everything had long since been set in stone. And there was nothing I could do besides imagine my fingers around Gabriel's neck in retribution for everything he'd done.
He was going to die for this. Sooner or later, he would die. Even if he escaped my fingertips once, he was going to pay. One way, or another.
I was snapped out of my thoughts when Adrian came down the stairs, his head dipping in respect as he immediately took the tray from my hands and placed it over the others before carrying them towards what I assumed was their Kitchen.
He looked to be a pack warrior, his build similar to that of any other fighter. He had his mother's eyes, a trait that I guessed all of her children might have shared and raven black hair that barely reached his ears.
After he left, Mrs. Estienne silently ushered me in and shut the door behind me, quickly leading me to the living room as we both sat down. "Would you like some tea, Luna? Or water, perhaps?"
"Please, Mrs. Estienne," I murmured again, offering her another fleeting smile. "I'm not here to trouble you. I'd much rather make you tea."
Her brows dipped in disbelief. "You've already done too much for us. I can't imagine how we can repay you."
"Don't worry about that, and don't worry about going back to work any time soon either. Please take all the time you need," I said quietly. "I'm here to make sure you're alright, Mrs. Estienne. To remind you that Livius and I are here for your family."
My voice was tentative and gentle, the words carefully escaping my lips but the response I received wasn't from her.
"You weren't there when those vampires were sucking my little sister dry."
But rather, it was from her son.
His mother glowered up at him, her gray eyes narrowing on him in unconcealed rage and incredulity. "Adrian, do not speak to your Luna in such a manner."
"What? She's here to apologize? What the fuck is that going to do? Bring Alaric and Aria back to us?" he responded, angrily raking a hand through his black locks as he stood before me.
Mrs. Estienne shot me a pleading look, tears stinging her eyes as she went over to her son, her head shaking as she grabbed his arm. "I'm so sorry, Luna. Please forgive his disrespect."
She was trembling, her voice shaking as a single tear cracked through the facade she'd been managing. And Adrian's words only seemed to make it worse as she prayed I wouldn't get angry.
"It's quite alright," I mumbled, also standing up, while both of them watched me, Adrian with a jarring glare plastered on his face.
"He's right," I continued, facing them both. My eyes fell to my feet and I shut them to avoid any shameful tears that might threaten to pour out. "We should've been there to protect them. This territory is meant to be a safe place for every pack member to do as they wish, but it wasn't that night."
I didn't miss the inaudible gasp Mrs. Estienne released as I bowed my head, my body leaning slightly forward as my eyes remained glued to the ground. "And for that I'm sorry. Allow me to apologize to you on behalf of my mate and I. We failed in protecting this pack, and your family had to pay the price for it."
Someone had to take responsibility.
Even if it wasn't truly our fault, the leaders still had to step up regardless.
But instead of remaining silent, Mrs. Estienne approached me, her arms wrapping around me again as she rested her head on my shoulder. "Luna, please do not apologize. They shouldn't have been outside after the curfew. But I- I didn't notice the door open until it was too late, and they- they..."
She choked on a sob, her voice fading as she held me, she too blaming herself for her children's deaths.
Fuck, Gabriel. Look what you've done.
Livius. Jayden. Sebastian. Julian. Elias. Mrs. Estienne.
All the wrong people were bearing the weight of this murder. All the wrong people were feeling the guilt those vampires alone were meant to carry.
She pulled away, her hands rubbing viciously at her cheeks as though she was ashamed of her own pain, and my heart shattered at her devastation.
Adrian's eyes visibly dimmed at the sight of his mother, but before we could say a thing she was already hastily wiping away her tears, and clearing her throat.
"It hurts," she said quietly a moment later. "Goddess, this hurts so much. But Aria..." she shook her head, her expression softening ever so slightly. "My sweet Aria wouldn't want to see my tears. I- I want to see her off with a smile, Luna, even if every beat of my heart is like a punch in the gut."
Goddess, she was so strong. So much stronger than I could ever dream to be.
I raised my head and offered an encouraging smile at her words, my expression mirroring hers as I took her hand in my own. "I want to remember them for the good they brought in this world. Not the hurt they left behind," she said to me, her eyes filled with sadness, but also brimming with certainty and sincerity.
I nodded in understanding, my eyes drifting back to her eldest son, his jaw clenched tightly in anger as he balled his fists.
"But we shouldn't have to just remember them, ma," he muttered, his eyes swinging away from me. "They should be here. Smiling, and laughing, and making noise as they always do. I was training to become a pack warrior to protect them. To keep them safe, and yet..."
He growled in complete frustration, angrily pulling at his hair as he paced. And slowly, Mrs. Estienne approached him, her arms sliding around her son as she pulled him to a stop. "I know you're hurting, Adrian," she whispered gently, her voice the epitome of tenderness. "But please don't take it out on the Luna, or yourself."
"Why?" he bit out, his voice muffled as he laid his forehead on her shoulder. "Why is this happening? It's not fucking fair. This isn't fair."
I looked away during their embrace, feeling a sudden jab in my throat at his vulnerability. He looked to be about two or three years younger than me, but our anger and resentment was one and the same.
He's going to die.
I found myself inhaling deeply, those words a chorus in my head, and the only thing keeping me from breaking down all over again.
He's going to die.
He's going to die.
He's going to die.