CHAPTER SIX: death is bittersweet
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❛ she died loving 𝙝𝙞𝙢 ❜
possible trigger warning ahead! amara thinks a lot about her own death so just be prepared
A NUMBNESS CREPT up on her within the span of a few minutes after Lian disappeared, taken away by the boom tube. Even as she said goodbye to her friends, hugging a reluctant Damian one last time, whispering how she loved him and hoped that no matter what happened, he was happy, Amara felt like she had become hollow. She realized that the last two years had been her swallowing her grief and keeping it in the darkest parts of herself, the parts she refused to explore. And she realized all she had done for two years was keep herself busy by taking care of Lian. Every thought she had was about the little girl. Worries about her being harmed or taken or killed, insecurities about not taking care of her good enough, and doubts about the fact that she may not be able to hold onto her promise to Roy. Through it all, she never mourned, she never accepted that they were gone, and she never let herself heal or move on. Lian was a good enough distraction to prevent her from doing any of that.
Truth was, Amara was more heartbroken than she let on. Sure, she cried late at night, on her knees, hands clasped together, head titled towards the sky as she begged and begged for her lover back. No one answered her prayers and yet she kept asking, night after night until she had to withhold the urge to scream. She had let herself become selfish by leaning onto Lian, being overbearing and overprotective of her in an effort to ignore her own grief. It was wrong. Lian didn't deserve that. But, she would never know, she would never get to apologize. And yet, she had kept her promise.
Now with the little girl gone, there was nothing blocking her pain from escaping, racing towards the light, tearing through her, desperate to see the surface and be free. Only, when her pain emerged, Amara felt nothing. She stared blankly at one of the many walls, the voices around her nothing but white noise. No one approached her. No one called her name. No one dared try. They did look though, not that she noticed. She merely stared, no words falling off her lips, not moving a single muscle. It was almost like she was dead and maybe she was on the inside. Amara wanted to be dead. With no motivation to be alive, she wanted to drown in her pain instead of not feeling it.
Everyone noticed how different she had become after Lian was gone. With nothing tying her to life, she was nothing but a broken shell of a person who had once lived, a person who died on the battlefield, next to the love of her life and her best friend. If she did, she'd okay with it. At first, she had wanted to get revenge on Darkseid but now she just wanted to die. She felt no energy left in her body, no will to live. She'd never felt like this before. But then again, she had never fallen in love before. Not until. . .
"Jason," she whispered to herself, breaking the quiet that surrounded her, the weight of being alone crushing her slowly. For a long time, loneliness brought her comfort and she forgave it for what she had lost. Now she despised it. Because now every time she felt lonely, it seemed as though fate was taunting her, laughing at how she was alone. She'd lost everything now. Absolutely everything.
"Hey," Lois said, pressing a hand on her shoulder which brought her back to reality. The woman knew not to ask the obvious question such as how are you feeling or what's wrong. That was something she'd always liked about her. "Luthor's on our side fully now, Batman caught onto him."
"Are you surprised?" The words came out quiet. "He's Batman, he knows everything and Darkseid has him under his control." She shook her head and pushed herself off the desk to face her. "How are we even sure they're going to win?"
"If you're so worried, maybe you should have gone with them."
Amara glanced away. She had chosen to stay with Lois, Luthor, and the Suicide Squad instead of going with the others to Apokolips. The reason why she didn't go was that she knew paradooms would come their way once Batman realized that Luthor was a traitor. That would mean they'd have to fight the monsters. That would mean she had a chance to die, rather than going to Apokolips and risking Darkseid making her a prisoner. Besides, she'd rather go down fighting on Earth, then be stuck on that hell planet.
"Sorry," Lois apologized, wincing a little. "That was harsh."
"It's fine," she replied, waving it off lazily. She leaned back against the desk again, arms crossed over her chest. She then glanced out the ceiling to floor windows Luthor had in the room. They got a perfect view of the outside, which means she had a perfect view of the thousands of paradooms coming their way. "Luthor. . ."
The said man came over, downed in his purple suit, holding a kryptonite infused gun. The rest of the Suicide Squad approached, each with their own signature weapon, laced with the only thing that would kill them. The monsters were getting closer and multiplying by the second.
Amara felt a determination bubble up inside of her, overruling the numbness. This was it. This was the moment she'd been waiting for since the attack on the Outlaws base. This was her chance to die fighting and save the team that was on Apokolips in the process. If the paradooms got to the boom tube, it was game over. So they had no choice but to fight. And she would gladly do so.
"Well that's a problem," Luthor spoke as they all stared at the things that would inevitably kill them all.
"For Clark and the team to have any chance, those monsters can't get back to Apokolips," Lois told them, holding a gun of her own. "We have to hold them off."
Her words hung in the air because they all knew what that really meant. There was no way that the few of them could hold off thousands of them. Boomerang was the first to accept their fates, taking a flask out and holding it in the air with a grin. The villains were more than happy to die in battle as well which would have surprised her if things were different.
"Last call, then." He took a swig and Amara reached over and took a swig herself, though she made a revolting expression at his choice of liquor. He chuckled when she handed it back, holding a gun in her hand, her knives in her holsters. "Don't like it?"
"It's disgusting," she told him, which only made him grin wider.
"Buckle up, Suicide Squaddies," Harley cheered, holding two guns in each hand, reminding her too much of Jason. "Today's the day we earn our name!"
They all stared out the window, watching as the paradooms got closer and closer by the second. Amara could feel it, the rage she had been holding for so long finally coming to the surface. And still, she felt at peace. It wouldn't hurt. Dying wouldn't hurt. And when it came, she'd welcome it like an old friend, letting it wrap its arms around her and carry her away to a place where nothing could ever hurt her again.
The monsters were closer now.
Closer.
Closer.
Closer.
The windows shattered, glass flying everywhere. Amara let a war cry and dashed forward, gun raised, shooting every single one she saw. Most of her bullets were kill shots, others required a second one to put them down. She held onto the trigger, letting the spray of bullets drown out her screams. The anger kept growing and soon she was channeling every single that thing every made her angry in her life, every single moment where she felt a massive amount of emotional pain: the night her family was killed, the night she and Jason had their first big fight, the night Roy got drunk and got into a terrible car accident because Oliver had tried taking Lian away from him, and the night every single one of her friends, her allies, were killed.
All were at night because that's where the bad things hid. Pain, death, sorrow, loneliness. All hid in the shadows of the night. But she refused to let them have another victorious tragedy. She would not let those horrible things cause another awful event. No paradooms were escaping. Neither were they. She saw her sacrifice, their sacrifice, as something good, something necessary. And now she understood why Jason did what he did.
She understood him now.
Even as Bane's throat was torn out, even as Black Manta was pulled apart until his blood and guts splattered everywhere, she still understood. They had eventually been forced down back to the boom tube room, the paradooms still rolling in. By that point, she was out of ammo, throwing her knives, hitting their eyes, blinding them, killing them. Lois and Luthor were nearly out of ammo. And they were getting far too close to the boom tube.
"Everyone on the platform!" Luthor yelled. They all sprinted for it and with a few taps on the control panel, a green shield came down around them, effectively slicing a paradoom in half. They were safe for now, though within a few moments, the paradooms began banging their heads against the forcefield, attempting to break it. Small cracks started to form.
Amara took a deep breath and turned to Lois. "You know what we have to do." The woman turned to her, nodding slowly. "When it almost breaks. . .set a self destruct timer. They will all die with us." A silent understanding passed among them. They all knew it had to be done for the sake of making sure the monsters didn't get to their team. So all they had to do now was wait.
She felt anticipation build up inside of her. She knew what was coming and the wait was the worst part. Nothing was worse than counting down in your head, knowing something was going to happen at any second. At least now she definitely wouldn't feel anything. Perhaps just a jolt of pain but it would be over before she knew it.
Harley came up beside her, offering a sane smile, one that had Amara feeling as if she were looking at Harleen instead. "Least now we get to see our boys huh?" The younger female smiled weakly in reply. "Tell me something, that Jason of yours. . .he was the Robin that my puddin killed, wasn't he?"
"Yeah," she confirmed. "How'd you know?"
"Rumors. Criminals talk you know? We love gossip."
Amara laughed a little at that but it did not sound as genuine as she wanted it to be. Her smile faded and she watched as the cracks got bigger, getting ready to shatter at a moment's notice. "I miss him."
Harley placed a hand on her shoulder. "You'll see him soon."
Then the shield broke. The paradooms swept in and Amara started throwing her knives again, casting a glance to the side to see the timer counting down slowly. She forced her eyes away and continued throwing, backing up into the middle where Boomerang and King Shark already were. Lois was at the computer, talking to Clark. All she could hear was the automated voice counting down.
Ten.
Luthor was impaled, killing him instantly.
Nine.
Harley burst through a pile of dead paradooms, soaked with their oddly colored blood, grinning.
Eight.
King Shark kept repeating his name to himself, comforting himself.
Seven.
Boomerang cussed him out, frustrated.
Six.
King Shark told him how it has been wonderful fighting alongside him.
Five.
Amara ran out of knives, backing up further to where Lois was.
Four.
Clark breathed Lois's name.
Three.
Amara watched as Boomerang's head was removed from his body.
Two.
Amara closed her eyes, taking a steady breath.
One.
She smiled.
Zero.
I'm coming, Jason
———
The light was blinding. Amara had to cover her eyes with her hands until it dimmed, allowing her to finally see what was ahead of her. She lowered her hands, her eyes adjusting to the bright sun and when she looked up, she noticed that there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. It looked beautiful. She couldn't remember the last time she saw the sun in all its glory. But that was not her main point of interest. No. She looked straight in front of her and noticed that she was back at the Outlaw headquarters, only it looked happier and was no longer destroyed.
An odd smell reached her nose and when she took another whiff, she realized that it was coming from a grill. Her senses guided her around the base, to the back which was a stretch of luscious green grass that eventually stopped due to a hill full of rocks that went down to a beach. When she saw that there was nothing on the grass, she walked over to the concrete stairs that led to the sand. Her vision still was not great so all she could see was a black grill, the fumes coming off of it, and three figures in the distance.
She made her way down the steps at a slow pace, her heart hammering in her chest. The sand tickled her bare feet and she noticed that she was wearing a white dress, one that she had jokingly bought with Barbara on a girls' day out. As she got closer, her vision adjusted, as did her hearing because now she could hear the crashing of the waves and the soft sound of the voices that belonged to her family.
"You are going to burn them!" Artemis snapped to Roy who was at the grill, flipping burgers. They both had their backs turned to her so neither noticed her presence yet.
Roy outright whined and stomped his foot like a child, sticking out his tongue at her. "This is my fifth time cooking, I am getting the hang of it now fuck off."
She turned her head and saw that the third figure was Bizarro. He saw sitting in the wet sand, playing with a tiny crab. He was the first one who saw her, glancing over his shoulder to see her standing there, not too far but not close to the group either. He got up fast, a smile taking over his face.
"Mara home!"
Roy and Artemis turned their heads to see her standing there. Amara met their eyes and instantly teared up. Bizarro lifted her up into his arms and hugged her tightly, but minded his super strength, not squeezing her too tight. She laughed softly, hugging him back until he set her down. The other two embraced her at the same time, wrapping their arms around her. The tears fell harder until she was sobbing out of happiness.
"I've missed you guys so much," she breathed, pulling back to look at them. They both teared up as well, it obviously occurring to them that she was dead, just like them. And then slowly, realization dawned on Roy. She already knew what he was going to say before he said it. "Lian is safe. I sent her to Iovis since things were getting really bad."
He sighed in relief, letting her go right when Artemis did. "How long has it been? We didn't bother keeping track of time."
"Two years," she told him, watching him hold back from breaking down. She reached forward and pulled him close again, rubbing his back. He sobbed into her neck and she vaguely heard him mumbling the name of his daughter. "She's safe, Roy. And she misses you a lot. But she's a strong girl, she'll be okay."
After a while he pulled back, sniffling and wiping his eyes.
"The burgers are burning," Artemis told him with her hands on her hips, not looking impressed.
"Shit!" Roy raced to the grill, quickly turning the knobs to shut it off. "Damn it not again!"
Amara smiled softly, laughing. She looked around her, taking in the peaceful setting. Then she looked back at them, pure happiness returning back to her eyes. Hope fluttered in her chest, restoring the color to her dull skin, making her eyes bright once more. "Where's Jason?"
Everything went quiet. Her smile fell.
Roy looked over at her and frowned. "Amara. . ."
"Where is he?" she said again, whispering this time.
He exchanged a look with both Artemis and Bizarro before looking at her again, looking utterly confused as to why she would ask a question like that. "Jason's not here, Amara."
She shook her head, not understanding. "But I. . .he blew up the base. He's dead."
"Amara," Artemis started, frowning at her as well. "If Jason was dead, he'd be here with us and he's not."
"I don't understand," she whispered, her heart clenching up.
Roy gave her an expression that could only be described as sympathy. He stepped closer to her and she took a step back, shaking her head back and forth, putting a hand over her mouth. She knew what that meant. No. It couldn't be true. It couldn't.
It just couldn't.
———
Twenty Minutes Earlier
The team stepped into a room that was larger than all the others they had stepped into. Damian narrowed his eyes, looking around. The first thing he saw was Flash stuck on a treadmill, forced to keep running, to keep powering whatever Darkseid needed him to power. The rest of the team filled in behind him, John coming up on his side, staring in horror at the scene. Clark had to look away. Flash looked dead and yet his feet kept moving. His eyes were lifeless and the unkempt facial hair made him look ten times older. But that wasn't what Damian was staring at anymore.
Nearby, a person was hunched over a table full of parts that resembled the exact robotic pieces that had been put onto the remaining members of the Justice League, the ones who were brainwashed. The person was working on something, oblivious to their presence, or maybe they just didn't want to turn around and fear seeing Darkseid. Thankfully for them, Damian walked towards them before they managed to gain up the courage. And it wasn't until he got closer that he realized who it was because the person raised their head, a flash of white catching his eyes.
Damian went wide-eyed, too shocked to move. Raven and John appeared on either side of him, looking just as shocked as he was. The person turned around after hearing Raven's gasp. Tired eyes stared back at them. They had sunken cheeks that rivaled Raven's, their hair was untidy and messy, and the color of their eyes was dull.
"Bloody hell," John breathed, recognizing the person immediately.
"Jason," Raven whispered.
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I told you guys this chapter would be the saddest one. Next chapter, you get to read about Jason helping the team and finding out Amara's dead. . .so yeah it's gonna be great. Also, the next chapter will take place before Amara died, but it's from Jason's perspective. However, by the time the chapter ends, Amara will be dead, and then the following chapter will go back to the present time.
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