She stared after him, stunned. Hot, fat tears started running down her cheeks and she didn’t move, just let them fall where they would. She knew that he was brilliant, arrogant, brave—hell, she’d known that before she even left Earth because he had such a reputation—but now she also knew that he could be kind, protective, self-effacing. He had shown her a less guarded aspect of himself. She would wager that much of his bravado was a front because he’d spent his life focused on his dreams instead of acquiring the social skills that most people use to move through the world, not unlike herself. She sensed that there was a lot more to him than he normally showed other people and she. . . if she was painfully honest. . . desperately wanted to see that.
The alien device showed her a possible future with him—showed her again and again the intense feelings they might one day share. No relationship she’d been in had ever felt like that. She had no idea that being with someone could be. . . that good.
She pressed her fingertips to her lips and leaned forward, hating the thoughts echoing in her rebellious, discordant brain. The more time she spent with Rodney McKay, the more she could feel intense feelings developing. She knew she had to fight it. It was just a silly, schoolgirl crush. There was nothing there! He sounded like he was happy in his relationship with this woman named Katie. None of it was real.
She was a fool for not considering that he might already be attached and even more of a fool for allowing herself to believe, even for a moment, that the things the device showed her could possibly be real. She had fled Earth to avoid living out the impending sadness the alien device had revealed, thinking that there might be happiness waiting for her—but far in the future—too far to wait for. She’d acted impulsively for the first time in her life and that had probably ruined everything. She cursed the device for its interference. If she’d been able to fight its effects, she wouldn’t even be here now. She would still be on Earth, probably curled up in bed next to a man that had seemed to really care for her. The damn thing had made her lose. . . twice.
She’d only recently felt competent enough to enter into a relationship with someone she knew from the SGC. At the time, she thought she might actually get to be really happy for the first time since childhood. But the relationship hadn’t even gotten off the ground when the damn device interfered, making her doubt everything she thought she knew and scaring her into turning him away. Then the treacherous thing put the idea in her head to come here, to this dangerous place. To him, where it promised happiness. But it lied.
She felt devastated. But there was nowhere to turn, no one to tell, no way to ease the pain and anger. She was alone in another galaxy and couldn’t even pick up the phone to call her mother, for goodness sake—and even if she could, what could she possibly say? It sounded like raving madness.
“Hello, Emily! How are you?” Carson was cheerfully striding into the room through the open door. “Oh, dear, what’s wrong, love?”
She started at the sudden interruption and stood, turning away from him while grabbing the tissue that Rodney had left on the bench. “Oh, it’s nothing,” she managed to get out.
“I just saw Rodney in the hall. Did he say something to upset you?”
She wiped her eyes with trembling fingers and went to the sink in the corner of the room to run some cold water on her hands, splashing some on her face. She dabbed a paper towel on her face and glanced at Carson sideways, “No, of course not. I’m afraid I was feeling sorry for myself. Homesick for Earth.” That was at least partly true. “I just gave Rodney my last diet coke!” she said and laughed out loud in an odd, strained way.
“My goodness, you must really like your carbonated beverages!”
She took a deep breath, determined to stay in the moment, and smiled a trembling smile. “I do. But you know, that wasn’t really it. I’m still adjusting, still overwhelmed. I’m ok, really. It was just bad timing for you. Sorry you had to see that”.
“So, I notice you aren’t wearing your radio,” Carson said, peering into her face cautiously.
She cleared her throat, grateful he was changing the subject. “No. I don’t like to wear it. Too distracting when I’m trying to work. Someone’s always looking for someone so I just tune it out and that sort of defeats the purpose of wearing it. So, I just don’t.” She froze and her eyes widened. “Wait, it’s not mandatory, is it?”
He shrugged. “Well, I don’t know about that, but it does make it difficult to talk to someone when they’re on the other side of the city.” He raised his eyebrows and looked at her pointedly.
“I suppose it would.”
“Well, I’ve been very busy the last few days and I’ve been trying to get ahold of you—unsuccessfully. So, finally, I thought I’d better make an appearance. You were talking about local foods and cooking and asking Teyla about her culture, so when I was recently invited to attend a feast on New Athos by some of my patients—I thought you might like to come along and sample the local fare? It’s tomorrow night.”
So that was what he had been going to ask her last week. She felt relieved. It was just the friendly kind of gesture she needed to hear right now. She smiled her appreciation. “Really? I would love that! Thank you, Carson. That’s just what I need—something different to do. Some fresh air and new cuisine to try would do me good.”
He smiled. “Good. You don’t check your email much either, I don’t suppose?”
She shrugged. “Guilty. I can’t imagine that I have any. I don’t know anyone here.”
He shook his head. “Well, that just isn’t true. I’ve sent you some, as a matter of fact, and there are emails sent to everyone about activities going on around the city. You’ll also be getting emails from your account on Earth from the daily data bursts—they’ll be forwarded to your account here.”
She blinked with surprise. “Really? I. . . that makes sense, of course. I don’t know why I didn’t know that.”
“It was probably in an email,” he said solemnly.
“Probably.” She burst out laughing and put a hand to her head. “I’m such an idiot. Sitting here, feeling so. . . when there are probably fifty emails from people back home, just waiting for me to read.”
“You know, you have a really lovely laugh. Very uninhibited.”
“Thanks.” She looked down at the paper towel she was twisting and knotting in her hand. “It’s not always my friend. Well, you saw last week. Very unprofessional. Not a good thing at a funeral either, I can tell you.”
He shook his head, smiling. “No, I imagine that would be a problem. Well, I was on my way to the mess hall to meet some of the others for a midnight snack. Want to come along?”
She frowned at him, not understanding. “Isn’t it closed at this hour?”
“Oh, aye, but they leave out snacks and coffee for the wee night owls among us.”
She smiled broadly. “Then, yes! I’m starving—and Rodney ate my sandwich!”
Carson looked baffled. “You’re on a first name basis and you’re giving him your food and beverages—then am I to take it you two are getting on a mite better now?” He started heading for the door.
She followed him, thinking back bitterly over the revealing conversation she’d had with Rodney just moments before. “Yes. Long story. He apologized for his behavior the other day, you know. He said I may have saved the lives of his team today.”
He made a face like he was impressed. “Did he now? Well then, you’re among a blessed few to get an apology from Rodney McKay.” He smiled. “And, by the way, I was there today. I assume Rodney was talking about transferring the personal shield? Thank you for that.”
She glanced at him with surprise. “You go off-world with Rodney’s team?”
“Oh, aye, from time to time. It’s not my favorite thing to do. I’d rather be seeing patients.”
When the mess came into view, she stopped in her tracks, thoughts racing, as she noted McKay and his team were the only occupants. Of course, these were Beckett’s friends. Who else would she expect?
Carson turned and said, “Is there something wrong, Emily?”
She gazed at the group in the mess, suddenly feeling cornered and insecure. “Carson, I’ll be honest. I’d like to go to New Athos, but I’m nervous about gating there.” She looked away, quietly admitting, “I don’t want to get sick in front of other people again.” Especially not those people.
“Oh?”
She hesitated. “I’m just making friends here. This is something that is so humiliating and I just. . . I can’t control it. I don’t want to. . . be the subject of the latest running jokes again.” She looked at him, pleading, “Isn’t there anything else I could try that might prevent it from happening?”
He looked thoughtful and gently steered her off in another direction, toward the infirmary. “Well, what aspect of gate travel do you think is the problem? Is it anxiety?”
She trudged along beside him, considering her response. “I tried anxiety medications. They didn’t change anything.”
“Well, I’ve studied your chart, run my own tests, and I’m afraid I’m none the wiser. Do you have any theories? I’m sorry to be so blunt, Emily, but the symptoms are very non-specific. It would be hard for me to venture a guess at what is causing them.” He frowned and looked at her frankly.
No one had ever asked her what she thought it was before. They’d just made a lot of assumptions. She’d always thought the two things must be related, but had never mentioned it before, because of the way things had played out. She swallowed hard and asked, “Could it be the. . . motion?”
He furrowed his brow. “I don’t understand. You walk into one event horizon and immediately out through another one.”
“You do—but I don’t. I feel it. I sense the movement through space, somehow. It’s brief, of course, but I know it’s there. I try to brace myself for it, but it’s so intense. I can’t seem to manage. . . .” She trailed off, watching him for signs of disbelief.
He looked thoughtful. “Yes, I remember you said that. Surely it couldn’t be as simple as motion sickness.” He gave her an odd look. “You know, the symptoms do fit for a pretty extreme case. Have they ever given you simple dramamine?”
“No. Pain medicine, anti-nausea. They even tried beta-blockers and anti-psychotics,” she said grimly.
He frowned. “Yes, I saw that in your file. Do you ever get travel sickness otherwise?”
“Yes. Frequently—especially if I try to read a book or something while in a car or on a plane. Usually I just close my eyes and try to nap so it doesn’t happen.”
“I wonder why they never tried dramamine?” he mused.
“No one ever believed me when I said I could sense the wormhole! The first time I mentioned it—they sent me for a psych consult and made me go to therapy. They thought I was imagining it. . . or worse. After a while, I figured I’d better shut up about it or I might lose my job. What happens to you if you’re fired from a super-secret job in a hidden underground bunker because they think you’re crazy? You’re the only person that ever. . . .” She trailed off and angrily dashed away a tear that drooped from an eyelash.
They had just arrived in the infirmary. Carson went over to a medicine cabinet, unlocked it, and took out a single pill in a blister pack. “I believe you,” he said and put it in her hand. “This is a drug called Meclozine. Take it one hour before travel. It’s a bit more refined than dramamine and won’t make you so sleepy. I’ll ask Dr. Weir for permission to go early, so no one but myself will witness it, should this not work and you still become ill.”
He squeezed her hand gently. “The reason people get motion sickness is the input from the eyes to the brain does not match the input from the vestibular system of the inner ear that senses motion. The brain, in its confusion, assumes that it’s hallucinating and causes the individual to vomit in order to clear the body of toxins that it assumes are there. Quite ingenious, actually, but not a good thing for modern humans, I’m afraid. What you’re experiencing could be related to this phenomenon.”
“You really believe me?” She clutched the pill in her hand like a lifeline.
“Of course I do. Don’t be so surprised. Didn’t you say yourself, just the other day, that we need to keep an open mind? This galaxy has shown me—there are too many things in the universe that are beyond our understanding to assume we know anything for sure.”
They arrived in the mess to find Sheppard, Ronon, Teyla, Rodney and. . . Katie Brown, sitting around a table. She felt conflicted as she pulled up a chair alongside Carson to join them, setting a sandwich and an orange on the table in front of her. On one hand, it was painful to see Rodney and Katie together because of all of the unwelcome feelings swirling around inside her, but on the other—she hoped it would give her confused brain the reality check she really needed to move past this experience and to try to make the most of her life in Pegasus.
Being here in Atlantis could change her life in many other ways. She needed to quit thinking about romantic involvement and focus on her work. It had always gotten her through tough times before. She had never been good at relationships and probably never would be. Maybe it was time to just come to terms with that. She was starting to foster some friendships, at least. Carson. And Radek. That should be enough. It would have to be.
“Well, Rodney,” Carson said, “I’m a little surprised to find you here with a big plate of food after I discovered this young lady starving in her lab, having given you her only sandwich and her very last diet coke!”
Katie admonished Rodney while he sputtered a bit. Emily tried not to look.
“You had diet coke?” Sheppard asked, frowning. “Wish I’d known that. I would’ve been your new best friend whether you liked me or not.”
“Diet coke?” Teyla asked.
“I told you about soda—fizzy drink that comes in a can. Diet isn’t really as good—it isn’t made with real sugar. But it’s better than nothing,” Sheppard explained with a lazy shrug.
“When the rest of my things arrive, eventually, I should have some more. I’ll save you one, Teyla,” Emily said, forcing herself to smile.
“I must admit I am curious,” Teyla said.
“Teyla, I hope it’s alright that I asked Emily to join us for the feast tomorrow night?” Carson asked.
“Of course! I meant to ask you myself, Emily, but I so seldom see you. Of course you are all invited. My people love to have visitors and there will be more than enough food to share.”
Colonel Sheppard turned to Emily and said, “You know, Dr. Freedman, you may not know this, but you probably saved our asses today.
”Rodney rolled his eyes. “I already told her.”
“Well, did he also tell you how pissed he was that you knew more about the shield than he did?”
Rodney looked annoyed.
“What happened out there today?” Katie asked Rodney, looking concerned.
Sheppard shrugged. “We just ran into an old friend. Couple of them, actually. Can’t say as we really wanted to see either of them.”
Sheppard and the others looked drawn and tired. It sounded like it’d been the worst possible kind of mission. Emily was surprised they hadn’t just collapsed in their beds, pulling the covers over their heads. That’s what she would have done.
“I’m just glad you’re all ok,” she said hesitantly. “I’ll charge the shield and give them both to Dr. Weir tomorrow so they can be used again, when needed.”
“What is it with those things?” Sheppard asked, looking disgruntled. “They’re like the Ring from Lord of the Rings. Everybody wants ‘em and nobody wants to share. Old Lucius knew how to transfer the thing, but he didn’t want to give up that tidbit.”
“So, Rodney told you about it, then?” Katie asked.
“No. Rodney was in a cell. No use to me there. He told me days ago. I just happened to remember. Lucius was not pleased.”
Small talk ensued. Emily kept silent, eating her sandwich and observing the others interact. Katie seemed. . . nice—in a wholesome, apple-pie sort of way. Damn goody-two-shoes, she thought, uncharitably. What did he see in that saccharin sweetness? Opposites attract, or so they say. She’d never seen a more true example of that, she groused to herself, and had to stifle an eye roll.
Radek approached the group, a cup of coffee in one hand and a tablet under his arm. He addressed Rodney without preamble, “We just dialed the Ancient temple planet. We couldn’t get a lock.”
“Well, I guess we’ll never know then,” Rodney said sarcastically.
“Not necessarily—” Radek started to say.
Emily sat up a little straighter and interjected, “Did you just say, Ancient temple?”
“Oh, yes, yes, I’ve been meaning to show you this,” Radek said, handing her the tablet.
“What’s this?” She looked down at a sea of Ancient characters.
“I found an entry in the database about a planet that has an Ancient temple. I thought it was fascinating and finally got a chance to try dialing the planet tonight. It wouldn’t connect, however, so the Stargate may have been destroyed by the Wraith. The database doesn’t mention what’s there except for the words ‘much wisdom.’”
“Really,” she breathed excitedly, quickly scrolling to the top of the document. She started reading, ignoring the others, still conversing. “Oh,” she said after a few moments, frowning. “I can see how you would think this is a description of a temple—the language is very reverent, isn’t it?”
Radek looked dejected. “It isn’t a temple? What is it then?”
“Well, it’s as close as the Ancients could get to worshipping something, I suppose.” She looked back down, fascinated by the description she was reading. She scrolled down, completely engrossed.
“Well?” Rodney barked, startling her out of her absorption of the text.
She looked up. The others were watching her curiously. Rodney and Radek in particular were looking rather intense. The others, more mildly curious.
“Oh, sorry, it’s pretty compelling.”
“I imagine it is,” Sheppard said with raised eyebrows. He seemed a little snarky.
“I’m fairly certain this is a description of a repository of knowledge.”
“Oh, really?” Radek said, looking thoughtful.
“Huh,” Rodney said, watching her closely.
“It seems more likely to me that the Ancients themselves disabled the gate on the planet, maybe even destroyed the repository itself, to keep the Wraith from discovering it—that would be a very, very bad thing if they did,” she said, and resumed reading.
“What is a repository of knowledge?” Teyla asked.
Emily looked up. “Oh, well, we aren’t entirely sure, actually. There are many theories. What we do know for certain is that it’s capable of downloading vast amounts of knowledge into a person’s brain—however, humans cannot handle the volume and contact with the device can be deadly. It’s believed to only work on someone with the ATA gene, but we don’t even know that for certain. It’s an experiment no one’s willing to commit to for obvious reasons.”
“Isn’t that what happened to General O’Neill?” Sheppard asked.
Rodney answered before she could formulate a reply, “Yeah, O’Neill was able to do some really incredible things with all that stuff in his head.” His eyes were lit up and darting around like he was considering the possibilities.
Carson spoke up, “Don’t get any ideas, Rodney. We don’t have any Asgard around to fix you, should you decide to give it a try.”
“What sorts of things?” Teyla asked.
“He was able to build some incredible pieces of technology, for one thing,” Rodney said.
“He also solved very complex problems that our best scientists couldn’t figure out and was able to read and speak fluent Ancient effortlessly,” Emily commented. “It was in the early days of the Stargate program, long before I joined.”
Teyla looked thoughtful and turned to Emily. “What would be the purpose of such a device?”
“Well, my personal belief is that an Ancient who knew they were about to ascend would download all of their knowledge into such a device. In the event that they should decide to retake human form, they could do so without losing anything. The Ascended don’t normally let you keep your corporeal memories, should you decide to return to that state of being. It seems likely that only their most prominent thinkers would do such a thing. Our equivalent would be Albert Einstein or someone like him. A visionary.”
“That sounds like the most plausible explanation I’ve heard,” Carson commented.
“Some people think it’s just knowledge intended to help their allies fight their enemies after they were gone,” Rodney put in. She noticed that his hand, resting on top of the table, was moving restlessly, his fingers rubbing together, perhaps in tune with his thoughts.
“If that were the case, though, why not make it accessible to humans? We are supposed to be their treasured progeny, after all. It would seem to me that it wouldn’t kill us if they really intended that. The Asgard said we weren’t evolved enough yet to use it. I don’t know. That could be true.” She looked back down at the tablet and picked back up where she left off reading.
“Well, I’d better get back to the control room,” Radek said, looking uncomfortable.
“Oh, of course,” Emily said and reluctantly handed him back the tablet. She rose and hesitantly touched his arm, “Would it be a terrible imposition for you to show me where you found this in the database before you go back to the control room? I’d really like to read the entire entry and any related documents.”
He looked pleased. “Not at all. I’d be glad to. In your lab?”
She nodded and picked up the remainder of her food, saying, “Please excuse me. Goodnight everyone.”
Carson stood and there was a chorus of goodnights from the group. In fact the others looked like they were all rising and getting ready to head back to their quarters for the night.
“Emily,” she heard someone say and turned back to see Katie tentatively raising her hand and saying, “You should join us for our girls’ poker night.”
Emily blinked a few times and then forced herself to reply with at least a little enthusiasm. “Oh, that sounds like fun. Um, I think you can probably send me the details in an email?” She glanced at Carson, who was smiling knowingly.
“Of course,” Katie said brightly. “I’ll be sure to do that.”
Emily nodded and cast her eyes down, turning back to Radek, and they fell into step, walking to her lab. She’d been planning to go back to her quarters for a good cry, but this was probably a better choice. Distraction was always better than giving in.