The car ride doesn't take that long and before I know it, I am standing in front of my house. River's hand is interlocked with mine and I glance at him one last time before knocking a few times.
It stays quiet for a long time.
My heart starts pounding faster when suddenly the door flies open. River makes a step back and our hands are no longer touching. All of my confidence and trust in myself has completely disappeared. The moment my eyes pierce into a pair of worried brown one's, I realise how hard I have missed my dad.
After everything that happend, he is still my dad and the person that took the best care of me, my entire life.
Whatever he does, I will forever love him. However that doesn't mean I will be able to forgive him.
'Angel, thank god', he doesn't stay still one bit. My dad storms into my direction and hugs me while blankly ignoring River who awkwardly just stands there behind me. I hug my dad back.
I have missed this. Hugging him feels so peaceful, I could forget all my worries.
We finally pull away and my dad's eyes rest on River for some time before looking back the two of us. He furrows his eyebrows before his eyes grow wide and he seems upset for a quik second.
'So that's where you have been staying.'
'River has helped me a lot.'
I defend him.
'In wich aspects exactly?'
'I didn't come here to talk about my where I have been staying, dad.'
'I know, come in.'
•
We sit down on the milky colored couch, robably the most comfortable place to sit on, in this whole house. River is sitting pretty close to me and he quikly whispers something into my ear before my dad sits down on the opposite side of us.
'I'm here for you.'
'I know', I whisper back.
My dad doesn't take his eyes of off River and I. His gaze keeps going back and forth between us. As if he is trying to figure out what is happening between the two of us. I don't really blame him for it, I have been gone for almost a day now and he has no idea where I have been or what I have done.
If only he know what we did against his car. I quikly push that thought away.
'Angel, I want to explain everything from the beginning. I want you to understand my side of the story.'
'I'm listening', I say while leaning over a bit.
'Back when I was in high school, Samira and I were in a relationship. She was my first love but unfortunately we had to break up because of her strict family that wanted her to marry another man. We didn't have a choice, and I decided to let her go.'
I don't take my eyes of him. He talks with such hurt in his voice. Even though it's hard for me to picture my dad with anyone other then my mother, I feel for him. He must have really felt hurt when Samira was forced to be with someone else.
'After we graduated, both of us went to different colleges and our ways had parted. We still had eachother's phone number and later I had found out that she married John West. Around that time I started of my buisness as something small and when no one believed in me she was there for me. We had formed a friendship over the years.'
I nod shortly.
'Then I met your mother, the actual love of my life. We got engaged only after a few months of dating and I knew she was the one Angel, I knew it. I had cut contact with Samira and we never talked. Until one day, only a few months into my marriage, she suddenly called me when I was at work.'
I shiver a little. The fear forms it self already and I realise this is the part where everything went wrong. This is the story that completely turned my world upside down. I ask myself if I am ready to hear what had happened so many years ago and still has made a big impact on my life and my father's.
'She was uncontrollably crying asking me for help. I felt so bad for her and immediately drove to her place. I had told your mother that I had some work to take care of. I lied because I didn't want her to suspect anything that wasn't there.'
I nod again.
'When I came, I was shocked to see her all beaten up, covered in cuts and bruises. She didn't look human anymore. It broke me that someone could do this to such a kind and gentle woman like Samira. I calmed her down while she told me all the horrific things John did.'
I feel River move a little besides me.
I immediately take a hold of his cold hand to show that even though he is here for me, I am here for him as well. I turn my head and give him a small calming smile but he only looks at me coldly. My expression changes when he pulls both his hands away in a harsh way. However right now is not the moment to question him and so I turn my head back to my dad while a wave of pain goes through my heart.
'Then it just happened, not becaus I still loved her or anything like that. It was more because of how bad I felt that she was treated like this. Samira is one of the best people on this planet and she never deserved anything like that. Later, when I came home I felt guilty and bad for my actions. I had told Anna immediately, I told her every single detail. First she left me, but after I had followed her and begged for her to come back, eventually we had worked things out.'
I smile a little at that.
'She forgave me eventually. It took us two years to build up our marriage again but we got there. And then you were born, our little baby girl.'
He gives me a soft smile. I smile as well as memories of my youth play in my mind.
'Everything went well and good until one day, when you were only 10 years old, I got a call from Samira. We hadn't talked to eachother in 12 years so I was really shocked to hear her anxious voice through the phone. She told me everything, that I had a daughter and John knew it wasn't his so he treated Sophia bad. He abused her mentally and physically every single day.'
I felt bad for Sophia, I really do. She never deserved to grow up like that, thinking that her father hated her and didn't want her.
'I told your mother immediately. She was just as in shock as I was. Anna was frustrated because she taught my story with Samira was now in the past but now we shared a child and there was no denying it, your mother knew that. That's why she suggested me to move Sophia to Greenpeace to help her because her mentall health was seriously damaged. She was at a really low point of her life when I first met her.'
poor girl
'I knew immediately she was my daughter just like you are Angel. The reason that I spend much more time with her then with you is because I felt guilty for what happened to Sophia and her youth. She could have had the best life and be a happy child if I just knew about her existence. That's why when I told you I had a lot of work at my office, instead I went to greenpeace. I needed to build up a good relationship with the daughter that I missed twelve years of her life from.'
I understand my father. Because after all if I was in his situation I would do the same. But understanding what and why he did it, doesn't make it less painfull. Instead it hurts just the fucking same. I have no idea if it will ever become less painfull.
'I want you to understand me also.'
'I do', I finally speak.
'I really wanted to tell you, especially after your mother passed away and you felt like you had nobody.'
'But you didn't.'
'I couldn't, I was too scared.'
'Maybe if you told me about this much earlier, I could have accepted it and maybe build up a good friendship with Sophia.'
'It's never too late. And I am not saying you should all of a sudden love her as a sister. But maybe we could try, together, your mother always wanted you guys to be friends. She told me when Sophia would be stable enough to move in with us, she would treat her like a daughter as well.'
Tears build up in my eyes as I picture my mother saying that. It doesn't really surprise me. My mother was a really kind person, she gave love to everyone. Anybody who knew her absolutely loved her.
I bet Sophia would too.
'Dad', I swallow ', you want her to move in ?'
My dad's eyes lit up a little. It is not even worth asking the question because the answer is pretty fucking obvious. I turn my head around into Rivers direction for a quik second, he seems to think the same thing. However he blantly ignores my stare and I question what suddenly happened to the supportive River just minutes ago.
'She is doing really good, I want her to live with us. And I want you to come back.'
'I don't know if I can.'
'Angel, you are my daughter. I have loved you since the day that you were born. Even though I wasn't always there and you had to do a lot on your own, I have always supported you and done everything to make you happy. Just because I have another daughter, it doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore.'
I lower my head. My eyes are focused on my knees. A few tears roll down my cheecks. Thousands of thoughts go through my head causing me a pounding feeling in the back of my head. My words are stuck in my throat and I completely forgot what I wanted to say.
'I know.'
'Will you come back please ?'
My dad's voice echoes through my head.
Maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe I still could build up my past relationship with my dad. There was a slight chance everything could be back to the past again but this time I would have a sister. Maybe we could actually become a happy family. Maybe if I just tried a little, everything would be alright and I would be able to love Sophia like a real sister. Maybe I could forget my dad's past mistakes and forgive him. Maybe I could move on from all the things that previously happend in my life. Maybe I could see my dad the same way I did in the past.
Maybe just maybe
'I can't.'
'Angel-'
'No dad listen, maybe somewhere in the future I will be able to forgive you and start building up a good relationship with Sophia and you again. But right now I am seriously fucked up in the head. Maybe not as bad as Sophia, but I have been through serious shit that has fucked me over completely. I have no idea what is happening to me right now, I am lost. Finding out about this and just accepting it is hard for me. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over it.'
It is silent for a quik moment. I look up at my dad again only to meet his worried expression. He is under stress and has no idea what to do next and I don't blame him for it.
I am lost myself.
'Sophia can move in. I just won't be able to do the same, for now.'
My dad nods shortly.
'I understand that, take as much time as you need.'
The three of us all stand up as it is time to leave. River walks as fast as he can out of the house.
'I will wait in the car', he says under his breath that I can bearly make out.
I nod towards the way he went and turns my head towards my dad again. I give him one last hug. He doesn't want to pull away and neither do I.
I finally pull away.
'I'm sorry dad.'
'No please don't say that, I am the one who should be sorry.'
'Please just don't worry, I will be okay.'
'I won't if you promise me to call me everyday. You can stay in one of my hotels that is closer to school so that I am certain that you are save.'
'I promise but first before I move there I have to talk to River. He seems affected by all of this as well.'
'What is happening between you two ?'
'I have no idea.'
•
I open the car door and sit down in the passanger seat next to River. He turns on the car and we drive back to his appartement. River is fully concentrated on the road and I have never seen him this serious.
'So what do you think ?'
I decide to break the akward silence.
'About what ?'
'Well everything my dad just said.'
'I don't really care.'
'What do you mean you don't care ?'
'I mean that I don't give a shit.'
He almost yells through the whole car. I cringe at the sudden loudness of his voice and the anger filled in it.
'What has happened to you ? You were so sweet and caring like thirty minutes ago and now...'
I don't end my sentence because there is nothing to be said. River seems so distant all of a sudden. He has turned into this cold statue the moment we sat down with my dad. As if something switched in him and he has no feelings anymore. His behavior is unexplainable.
'You're so pathetic.'
'I really don't understand you.'
'Someone like you wouldn't'
'What does that even mean ?'
Now I am the one yelling. River has actived this sudden anger inside me. My blood is boiling while my mind is still confused with his sudden behaviour and change in attitude.
'It means that you only care about yourself and your little problems. I don't even know why I let you stay with me. You're annoying and clingy as fuck.'
I cringe and my eyes widen.
'Clingy ?'
Before he can even open his mouth, I speak again. This time I don't hold back. He thinks he can care about me and be sweet to me one moment and then the other moment treat me like trash. There is something seriously fucked up inside his mind to think that is okay.
'What makes you think you can talk to me like that huh ? I never did anything bad to you. Yes I called you that night because I had no one else and not because I love you so much. Now I understand what a big mistake that was, I should have just slept outside. You are just as trash as your father.'
'Don't dare to drag him into this', he screams through the whole car.
'Maybe I wouldn't if you would act like a normal fucking human being.'
River stops the car in his parking spot. I open the car door to get out immediately. But before I can, he grabs my hand and pulls me back. Our eyes meet and suddenly I forget everything that is happening around us.
'I am sorry', he whispers.
I can see the regret in his eyes however that doesn't make me any less angry nor frustrated . In fact, he thinks I will just forgive him for his sudden anger outburst as if it didn't happen.
'Sorry is not enough this time', I say before breaking free from his touch and walking inside of the appartement complex. I make my way towards the elevator.
River is nowhere in sight.
Once I am in front of his door, I patiently wait for him to come and open the door. I think about everything that just happend. From my dad's story to River's outburt, the last hour has been strange and painfull at the same time.
'Why were you walking so fast', the deep voice echoes through the hallway. My head turns around only to meet his beautiful deep blue eyes. The eyes that I would love to look at all the time.
But right now, I could kill River.
'Just open the door.'
'Sassy aren't we', he smirks to himself.
River finally makes his way towards the front door. Our shoulders slightly touch as he opens the door. I can't resist to look at his breathtaking face. He seems to notice immediately as his eyes wonder to mind. Their is a amused smirk plastered on his face.
It doesn't take him one second to push me agains the wall. Our body's are against eachother in no time. I can't resist his hands on my hips. River leans in, and our lips almost touch. There is a crazy desire in me, wanting to feel his lips on mine again.
However this time a kiss won't make what previously happend better.
'No', I push him of me.
I walk inside the appartement. I don't bother taking my shoes off as I immediately take the purse and backpack that are placed in River's room. He seems to understand what I am planning to do. His expression has now not only hardened because I rejected his kiss, he is also beyond worried.
'What are you doing ?'
'I will stay at my dad's hotel for some time.'
'No, stay with me.'
'Why would I ? You don't even know why you let me stay in the first place anyways.'
I quote his words.
'Don't.'
'Give me the car keys.'
I am standing in front of him with the backpack on my back and the purse in my legt hand. My eyes wonder to his hand wich are holding my dad's car keys in a strong hold.
River stays silent.
'River give me my car keys.'
'You can't leave.'
'I can do whatever the fuck I want. You don't own me to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I don't even know what the fuck this is between us.'
I point with my finger between him and I. He looks to the side while his expression hardens.
Again, silence.
'Tell me River, what is this between us. What are we ?'
Complete silence.
'I thought so.'
His hand lifts up and he hands me the keys in no time. I look at his serious expression. Our eyes meet again and his pierce into mine. I catch his gaze, only by his eyes I can see him asking me to stay. His eyes are begging for me to stay instead of leaving him here. Maybe if he actually told me that with words, I would have. But playing games is over for me, I am concentrating on myself now.
Our eyes are no longer connected as I walk past him while our shoulders bump into eachother's. My steps is the only thing heard through his hallway. River is more quiet then ever. My hand slightly touches the door knob of the front door. I turn my head into his direction again. Our eyes meet in an instant.
'Meeting you wasn't the problem. It was thinking that we could actually have something.'
With one last glance at River, I turn my head around and walk out of his appartement. The grip around my purse tighten and my finger nails dig i to the skin of my palm while opening up old scars.
•
A/N: Thank you all so much for waiting and reading this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it.
Also don't forget to vote.
;)