A/N: Yes this chapter is named after the song by Twenty One Pilots, they are my favorite band. Also the dress at the top is what she's wearing for the after party, but she's paired it with a sparkly mesh long sleeved shirt to under it.
Also there is mentions of cutting in this chapter, it won't be detailed, but it is mentioned.
Booting up awake, drenched in sweat, and my breathing heighten, I knew I had a nightmare, but I can't remember what it was about. Only that it had brought me to tears and in a dark place that made me crave to do something that I haven't done in a little over two years. Grabbing my bag, I head to the bathroom and pull out my razor that I shave with, and tear it apart to get one of the razor's. I know I shouldn't do it, but after everything that has happen I have a relapse, when I realize what I'm doing I throw away the razor as if it had burned me. Sitting in the bathroom crying my eyes out, I hear someone open the door and bring me in their arms, I already know that it's Kerry. She just comforts me and trying to sooth down my tears,
"How about we clean up your arms?" She says in a sadden tone, "We don't have to talk about it, but Lily know you are worth so much more than what you think. You have so many people that care about you and you don't need to feel like you're alone, you have so many people who will be there for you. Please promise me that if you have the feeling to do this again, you'll come to me? You can call, or text at any time of the night and I'll be there for you. Now I am going to have to tell Alex this, because you'll technically be living with him during the shows, so he might try and talk to you, just so that way you know." She explains to me, which only makes me cry harder, and after what felt like forever I finally stop crying and we head to bed.
Once it was morning, I woke up to the smell of something heavenly coming from downstairs and I went to go investigate. When I got downstairs I see Kerry and her daughters cooking up some pancakes and they looked amazing.
"You should've woken me up, I could've helped cook." I tell them
"You needed some sleep, so we just let you sleep in." Kerry says giving me a pointed look, knowing she was referring to last night and what had happened. I nod my head at her, knowing she was right, after last night I needed that sleep, with everything going on today it's going to be miracle if I can make it through the show and the party. Then I remembered since shows are starting I have to be living with Alex, and then I remember our fight we had, and it made me wonder if he would still let me live with him. Me being a doubter and always overthinking, I assumed that I wouldn't be staying at his place, so I texted Prez to get to the theatre early so we can talk about everything, I even told Dana because I knew she would want to be apart of this.
After we eat and get everything cleaned up, Kerry and I go grab our stuff that we needed to get for the show and the after party, once the nanny showed up, we set on our quest to the theatre. On the way I turned to her and asked,
"Do you think Alex will still let me live with him, even though we had our fight?" I say in a quiet voice
"Of course he will, why wouldn't he?" Kerry asks me
"I don't know, just what was said yesterday, like what if he doesn't want me anymore?" I say looking down
"Lily, he wants you to stay with him, trust me." Kerry tells me while pulling me to her side, all I can do is pray that it's true, but right now my thoughts are winning and they are telling me that he doesn't want me. As we continue our journey to the theatre talking about the show and how excited we were for it to start, I grow nervous and start to overthink everything.
When we make it to the theatre I make a mad dash to Prez and I's dressing room, that way I'm not stopped by anyone. Arriving at our dressing room, I see that her and Dana are already there and putting their hair into the curls so our wigs will go on. Prez finally sees me,
"Hey you're here! Alex just came by and asked if you were here yet, but I told him you weren't so don't worry." She tells, "Now tell us what happened yesterday."
As I sit there explaining the whole fight with Alex and my fears of if he'll let me stay with him or not, Prez speaks up,
"Ok 1.) Lils you know he'll let you stay with him, and if he doesn't you know you can just live with me, 2.) The thoughts you are having are just because you're scared, you've never had a father figure in your life and you don't know what to do about it, it's a learning experience for you and Alex. 3.) There's something else you aren't telling us, what happened at Kerry's house?"
"Well Prez some of it you don't know about because your parents asked me not to tell you, so if I do say anything you can't let them know you know or get mad at them ok? Well the day before everything happened with my dad and mom, my dad had sexually abused me and your parents asked me not to say anything so I stayed silent about it. I just can't keep it in anymore, I'm tired of that having power over me and not talking about it, it's tearing me apart. So I told Kerry that, and when we went to bed, I had a nightmare and woke up crying, I felt so alone that I had a relapse, I'm so sorry Prez!" I say with tears coming to my eyes, and two pairs of arms wrap around me. Telling me that it's ok and for me to promise if I get the urge again to call or text one of them. After this whole talk I start to get ready and prepared for the show, praying that everything will go smoothly and that I can avoid Alex as much as I can until it's time to go home.
A/N: I'm switching it up and going to Alex's POV
Alex's POV:
After I left Presley and Dana to see if Lily was there yet, I walk back to my dressing room, when I get a text from Kerry saying that she was going to come to my room to talk with me. Already knowing it's going to be about Lily, I feel guilt wash all over me again, as I had been feeling guilty the rest of the day yesterday and all night. I couldn't sleep with how I felt and not knowing if she was ok or not, I knew she was with Kerry, but I knew how her thoughts could overbear her and make her feel something that's not true what so ever. After waiting a few minutes I hear a knock and I tell them to come in, sitting in my chair, Kerry comes in and sits on the couch and begins to talk to me.
"Listen to me before you speak, Lily told me everything that happened between you two yesterday, and Alex I get you're stressed about the show, but you don't need to take it out on her. She's been through a lot, more than you know, which we'll get too later, but you need to understand that for over a year she's been independent and hasn't had to check in or had anyone who cares like you do. She see's you as a father figure and she yearns for that, but it will take time for her to get used to it. She doesn't know how to take it, she's never had this type of family before, and she's scared it will get ripped away from her. Yes she'll always have Presley in her life, but she yearns for more and she found that in you. It's going to be a learning experience for the both of you, but you need to be all in, you're going to have to prove to her that you care. You know on the way here, she asked if you would even let her still stay with you, she has so much doubt around her that she's already asked Presley to stay at her house just in case." Kerry explains to me, and it was at this point that I realized just how much was said yesterday that wasn't true.
"I know that Kerry, I've been beating myself up over everything, and I wished I could take everything back. I'm going to be all in for her, I know she's hurting and I know she yearns for a father, I haven't told anyone this, but I've been working on getting her adopted. The process is just so long and I want her to be surprised, so please don't tell anyone." I tell her.
"Alex I'm glad you're doing that, she's going to love you for that! There's so other things I want to tell you about, last night she opened up to me about some things, and I know she probably won't tell you, but the day before her dad kill her mom and him, he sexually assaulted her. I could tell she hadn't told anyone because apparently she woke up from a nightmare and I found her crying on the bathroom floor with cuts on her wrist." Kerry tells me sadly. This causes tears to form in my eyes and wonder if part of it was because of our fight, and if it was I would never forgive myself.
"Now I would try and talk with her before the show, but knowing her, she's probably hiding." Kerry tells me with a small smile, this makes me chuckle a little because that's probably what she is doing. Lily hates confrontation and will do whatever it takes to hide from it and ignore it, but I'm hoping I can find her before the show and change that. Kerry gives my shoulder a squeeze and leaves my dressing room so she can get ready, and I can go on my search for Lily.
A/N: Back to Lily's POV:
After the girls and I finish getting ready, I see Kerry walk by the dressing room and give me a wink, I know this means she's talked with Alex.
"Guys I'm going to hide, but please don't let Alex know I'm here, I'm not ready to talk with him, I need to prepare myself for the worst." I say panicking and getting into a chair that when you remove the top it becomes a place for storage. With them helping me get into the space and putting the lid back on, I hear footsteps, and then
"Have you guys seen Lily? I really need to speak with her." Alex says in a hopeful tone
"No, she left a little bit ago to go walk around I think, said she needed to prepare for something." Dana say, adding the last bit to get a reaction out of him.
"Crap, look if you see her tell her to please come find me, it's urgent." Alex says in a deflated tone and running away. When I hear the foot steps get further away, I break free from my hiding space I see them giving me a look.
"Why are you guys looking at me like that?" I ask
"Because I think you're wrong about what you're thinking, I think you should talk to him." Dana tells me, with Presley agreeing with her.
"I'm just not ready, we need to be focusing on the show, not this, just please help me through out the show." I plead with them and once they nod their head, we continue on with our conversation and hiding me.
Right before the show we all huddled up to have a few words from stage management and Alex said some words as well, I was making sure I was hidden from sight, which isn't hard to do since I'm only 5 feet tall. I know he's looking for me, but I'm good at staying hidden. It was pretty easy because he was in the show the whole time, the only time that was during intermission and that was a little hard to do. After the show, we got a standing ovation and it seemed like the people really liked it, and once we had done our bows and gotten all the stage makeup off. A few of them went to the stage door and the rest got ready for the party, for me I decided to do my hair like Elsa does in Frozen, and I do my makeup in a natural, but sparkly look, and I did a little winged eyeliner.
When we all got the the after party, it was wild, so much stuff was happening and since Prez and Dana were stars of the show, they had to leave and do interviews, so I made my way over Will Blum, and we ended up just making small talk with each other. Once all the interviews were done and it time to party, everyone was taking pictures left and right, there was a carefree atmosphere and a massive dance party had broken out. Most of my pictures were with Prez, but there were a few with the rest of the cast members, the one person who I had been avoiding all night seemed to be nowhere in sight. Even though I was having a great time, my mind can't help but wonder what was going to happen after the party, Prez had told her parents that there might be a possibility of me going home with, which they were fine with. As the night carried on and it started to slow down, with people slowly leaving, and not seeing Alex basically the whole night, I assumed that I was going home with Prez, but part of me was hoping Alex was going to say something. When Prez and her family started saying goodbye, I did the same as well since I was going home with them, and when we started to walk out, a hand grabbed my arm and stopped me in my tracks. This caused Prez to stop walking and look at me, but I couldn't tell who had grabbed me until they spoke,
"Where are you going?" Alex asks me as he turns me around to face him
"I'm going to Prez house?" I say as it seemed like it was obvious as to what I was doing
"You're living with me during the show remember?" He tells me like it was just as obvious, I could only stand there looking down, because I honestly thought I wasn't going to be staying him.
"Yeah Lily, did you forget that you were staying with him during the show? Well take care of her Alex, and Lils I'll text you later tonight ok? Bye, love you!" Presley says to me and gives me wink, as I give her a pleading look to take me with her.
"Let me go say goodbye to everyone and then we can head out ok?" Alex tells me, and then goes off to say goodbye to everyone. Whenever he's done and makes it back to me, we start to make our way back to his place. The walk was drawn out and quiet, which I didn't like, I kept my head a bit down and try not to look at him, but I know he's looking at me. When we get to his place, Kevin speeds around Alex and starts to jump onto me, if I wasn't in my dress I would've gotten down to love on him. As all of this happening I hear Alex say,
"Why don't we both go get change and then we can talk, alright?"
I could only nod my head and start to walk for my room that was given to me, as I'm changing, part of me wonders if I should wear a long sleeve and hid my cuts or wear a short sleeve, I decided to wear a long sleeve, because I don't know what all Kerry told him. So after I've taken off my make up, and my contacts, I put on my Harry Potter glasses, I call them this because they are round glasses and they have my prescription in them. Once I'm done with everything I make my way out and see Alex already on the couch, and when he notices me, he gets up and pulls me into a tight and big hug. This surprises me because of all the doubts I had about everything that happened, and after he was done hugging me, he lead me to the couch and sat us down facing each other. I kept my eyes down because I was too scared to look him in the eye, and I was scared about what was going to happen. After a few moments of silence, Alex uses his hand to make me look at him, and all I can see in his eyes are sadness and a softness to them that give me hope this conversation will go well.
"Lils, I just want to start off and say how sorry I am for the stuff that I said yesterday, I was under a lot of stress and I took it out on you. There's reason for me doing this, and I'm so sorry that it happened. Once everything was said and you ran out my room crying I knew that I had messed up and I ran out after you, but once you were in the bathroom and Kerry was there looking at the door and me, she told me that she would talk with you. I regret everything that was said yesterday, I shouldn't be so hard on you, you've had a year where you didn't have anyone caring where you went. Now that I'm here you don't know how to handle it, it scares you, I know, it scares me too, but we are in this together. No matter what happens I will always care for you, I would love to be the father figure in your life, and I know this won't be our only fight, but please next time don't hide from me. I know how your thoughts can get to you and make you feel alone and that no one cares for you, but that's not true, I would've been there to push those thoughts away. Please forgive me." He pleads with me, and his eyes tearing up, but I already bawling my eyes out, and I threw myself into his arms. I just kept repeating "I'm so sorry" into his chest, and after I had calm down and pulled away he continued on.
"Look Lily, Kerry told me some stuff that she thought I should know about, one of them being about your father and the other about what you did, I won't make you say it because I could only imagine how hard it was to tell Kerry. I just want you to know that you are safe here, I won't let anything happen to you, and at any point you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, please tell me. Now I do want to ask, did you do what you did because of our fight?" He asks me in a sadden voice.
"I just let all of the stress get to me and on top of telling Kerry about what my dad did and the nightmare I had, I just couldn't take it anymore." I say looking down.
"I'm so sorry that you felt like you had to do that to let some stress go, please come to me if you ever feel like you want to do that again, I don't care what time of night it is, you come get me, ok?" He tells me sternly looking straight into my eyes, showing me he's serious.
"I promise, Alex" I say looking him into the eyes. After this I hug him for what feels like forever, and when we go to say I goodnights I get scared again and cling to him afraid that something will happen. He knows I'm scared and getting wrapped in my thoughts, that he offers to bring Kevin in my room and stay with me until I fall asleep. I don't know it yet, but Alex was going to be the one who would always be there for me and holding onto me.
A/N: I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! :) It was a long one to write, anyway I hope you guys liked the change up of the POV, should I do that more often? Or no?