12.
Breaking the surface of the water, I took a heaping gulp of air before sinking back to the bottom of the pool.
I couldn't hear anything besides my steady heartbeat through my ears and the small bubbles escaping my nose. There was something calming about being submerged in water. It allowed me time to think without being distracted from the outside world.
My brother was inside, deciding to stay with me after what had happened this morning.
Ironically, I had run into him inside Lucian's home and he had brought me back to our parents' house. Because it had been too convenient, I figured Lucian had called Nick and told him I was wandering around the manor, needing help. I don't know if I should feel insulted that Lucian let me go so easily, or grateful that the man allowed me some distance.
Frankly, distance was what I needed.
After a car ride of silence, I had subjected myself to the pool, not inclined to speak with Nick—or anyone just yet. Outside, the sun was high and bright, its rays casting golden ripples across the pool. Even from the bottom of the pool, the sun greeted me.
Curling my legs together, I sat at the bottom of the pool.
I may have overreacted at Lucian's home. I allowed my temper—my fear—to get the better of me and I didn't stay to listen to Lucian's side of the story. I had hit him. Hard. If he had been the one to do that to me, I would have never spoken to him again.
What made it right for me to throw a fist in Lucian's direction?
At the time, I had been desperate, hurt, and afraid. I didn't know what to do when I was confronted with Lucian's temper, and later, his desperation. And when the usual calm and arrogant underboss showed nothing but raw emotions of vulnerability, I had panicked and acted on instinct.
Lucian had taken his anger out on the furniture.
I had taken my anger out on him.
Who was the better person?
I inhaled water, kicking as I reached the surface once again. I spluttered, inhaling the air ungracefully. With wet, shaking fingers, I combed my hair back from my face and peered across the pool at the diving board.
Despite my regret for hitting Lucian, I didn't regret any of my other actions.
The meeting in Gabriele's office had been—well—it was a situation I would never put myself through again. I had felt so vulnerable, so naked. To Gabriele, I had been nothing but Lucian's next play-thing, his boy-toy. The disgrace and the dishonor I'd felt standing there under the words of scorn...
While I hadn't stayed long enough for Lucian to defend himself, I had always doubted being in a relationship with him. The situation that transpired today just proved I did not belong in Lucian's world. I would be nothing but the underboss' new toy. An amusement.
Someone not taken seriously.
I was more than that.
"Afton." Turning around suddenly, I caught sight of Nick standing uncomfortably by the pool. "You've been out here for more than an hour."
"I know," I remarked dryly. Holding up my fingers, I wiggled them in Nick's direction. "I'm starting to prune."
I knew he wouldn't laugh, or even grin at my attempt at humor. Nick's sense of humor had disappeared the day he had joined the mafia. Shadows painted dark circles beneath his eyes and his carefree-smile he had once possessed had straightened out into a thin line.
Nick looked awkward as he crouched near the pool in his dark, pressed suit. "I wanted to know if..." he trailed off and licked his lip nervously. "Did he hurt you?" Even as he asked this, his eyes ran the length of my body, searching for bruises that were not there.
"No, he didn't. Not really."
There'd been a moment, in Lucian's act of desperation to hold me, that he'd kissed me roughly. It had been forceful and uncomfortable, but he hadn't hurt me.
I left it at that.
There were things I could share with Nick and things I wanted to keep to myself. The relationship I shared with Lucian was one of those things I couldn't share with my brother. I wasn't secure enough to tell him of my worries or our woes. Nevertheless, it was still a bit touching that Nick cared enough to ask.
Silence stretched. I continued to tread water.
"You know, Afton," Nick began again. His shoes curled at the edge of the pool's gutter, the waves getting his soles wet. "Mom and I talked the other day..." he sniffed, finally looking up at me. "We actually had a decent discussion. She told me that you had aspirations to become an artist and to attend California for track."
I stiffened before narrowing my eyes with consideration. Just where was he going with this?
"You never told me that," Nick continued.
"You never asked."
Nick's dark eyes flashed. "That's because I heard from mom, dad, and you that you wanted to be a doctor. I never thought you were only saying that to make them happy. It's bullshit, Afton," Nick cursed. "You can't expect me to read minds."
I dipped a bit deeper in the water, surprised at his exclamation. "I never..." I paused. "I never thought you'd care. I thought you'd want me to be a doctor like they did."
Nick threw his head back, glaring at the sky.
"Even if I wanted you to be an astronaut, it wouldn't have mattered, would it have?" The man tipped his head back down, staring at me levelly. "It's your life, Afton. Remember what I told you that day in your bedroom when you asked me about my initiation into the mafia? I told you I wished I could have kept my childhood. I wished I could have pursued something else that I'd really wanted to."
Nick pressed on before I could feel remorse for how fucked up his life turned out.
"You have that choice. You have that ability to pursue something you really want. Life is far too short to do something that everyone else thinks you should do."
Numbly, I remembered Tony telling me the same thing a few days before graduation. He told me that I had to do things because I wanted to. He had put me in Emily's shoes.
"What are you trying to say, Nick?"
"Go to California," Nick said heatedly.
"But—"
"There are no buts. If you're worried about dad, forget about it. He is a cruel bastard most of the time, but he loves you. He wants what's best for you and he thinks he can accomplish that through control. He'll get over your decision to go to California. Eventually." Nick stood up, brushing off his dark suit. "Think about it, Afton."
He left, leaving me to think about the choices I had avoided make decisions for.
M.R.
I was still by the pool by the time he arrived.
Only, I was dry and had thrown a shirt over my naked torso. My feet were submerged in the pool and I was sure my face and the rest of my body was burned from the excessive sun. At the moment, the sun was slowly dipping below the horizon.
I had been out there all day.
I was aware of him as soon as he stepped foot on the pool deck, yet, I remained facing away from him. His steps were almost silent, mere proof that he was a predator of grace.
"I'm sorry," I said firmly. Any submission in my tone was absent. "I had no right to hit you." I looked up at Lucian, noticing the dark sunglasses he wore. "And I shouldn't have run out like that. But I had no choice. I felt cornered and completely humiliated."
Lucian stood a good distance away from me. I wondered how sour Nick felt for having to open the door to allow Lucian inside our house. The underboss surveyed me, a very faint, noticeable discoloration peeking from beneath his glasses and near the bridge of his nose.
I winced, not realizing I'd hit that hard.
"You had every right to feel cornered and humiliated," Lucian's voice was rough. "I felt just as vulnerable as you did. Just as humiliated. I was mortified you had to hear that."
I shrugged and turned to look at the pool. "It's over and done with, Lucian."
"I had eight lovers in the course of two years." Lucian took an advancing step forward, refusing to let the discussion die.
Stiffening, I flashed him a cold look. "And why, exactly are you telling me this? I don't want to hear any of it."
"I'm telling you because I want you to understand my past. I was never as promiscuous as my father suggested to you. I don't recycle through men as quickly as you're thinking. And the situation is entirely different with you than the others." Lucian paused. "Forgive my vulgar language, Afton, and you probably don't want to hear this, but I'll say it anyway. Those past men were all for fucking."
Angrily, I tore my feet from the pool, splattering droplets of water in Lucian's direction. "Fuck you, Lucian. I don't want to hear this."
"My father knows about my past habits," the man continued despite my heated retort. "While he accepts the fact that I am gay, he never takes my 'hobby' of men seriously. He believes it's a phase I'll eventually grow out of and choose a woman of proper standing. Little does he know that it's a phase I can't grow out of."
Lucian approached my sitting form. Hesitantly, he crouched down next to me.
"I wanted to introduce you to my father today to make him see that I'm serious about you. I never introduced the others, but he knew of them. And I believe that's what set him off," he confessed quietly. "He realized that I was serious about someone. Serious about making a relationship work. It wasn't a phase I would grow out of anymore."
I curled my legs to my chest, trying to avoid looking in Lucian's direction.
"You're different than the others, Afton," Lucian sounded pathetically desperate, a far cry from his usual assertiveness.
"Is that what you told the others before you fucked them?"
Suddenly, my shoulders were taken captive. I was forced to stare at Lucian as the man shook me forcibly. His face contorted in anger.
"I told you it's not like that with you, damnit!" Lucian breathed through his nose in order to calm himself. His fingers loosened around my shoulders before he reluctantly pulled away. "My mother was so thrilled to meet you because she knows—"
He cut himself off and I noticed how open and vulnerable he sounded.
"With the others, I kept them at a distance. I couldn't trust them. I worried they would stab me in the back the moment I turned and I worried they would betray me the moment I let my mask fall. It's not like that with you. I find it easy to be myself with you around."
I realized now that Lucian didn't necessarily wear the sunglasses as means to cover up a black eye, but rather to hide his vulnerability. Despite his attempts, his eyes were normally extremely expressive. They typically shone with arrogance or cruelty, but when the man was feeling something other than arrogance, they would flare up as windows to his soul.
Lucian reached toward me and I hated myself at that moment.
I pulled away.
His face cleared and he leaned away.
"I..." I snorted, trying to swallow the bitter clog in my throat. "I respect you for telling me that, Lucian. It means a lot that you would trust me enough to tell me the truth. But I can't lead you along anymore."
Lucian frowned, his head cocking to the side in question.
"I can't live in your life. I can't make myself adapt to the life of the mafia." I couldn't do it. It wasn't my life. Before he could interrupt, I continued hastily. "I've decided to move to California in a few days."
The man stood up abruptly. After looking down at me, he turned his shoulder and stared across the yard. "You're leaving because of what my bastard father said. I told you it wasn't the truth, yet you—"
"I'm not leaving because of that, Lucian." I stood up and calmly explained myself. "I'm going to California because I want to experience life without expectations, life without restrictions. I want to be able to live by myself without my parents as dictators. And most of all, I'm leaving because I want to."
Lucian remained turned away from me.
It was several long moments of silence before he finally reacted.
He nodded once. "I want nothing but to have you stay here, with me. But I can't stop you, I can't force you." The man removed his sunglasses and turned in my direction. A true, amused smile crossed his lips. "My black eye is proof enough of that."
Guilt made my stomach churn when I saw his eye for the first time since the incident. The black eye wasn't too bad yet, a bit pink and swollen in some areas. But it was Lucian's eyes that really made me feel guilty.
I had never seen the man look so defenseless and defeated.
After hearing his confessions, I realized I had never considered things from his point of view. Maybe Lucian truly wanted a serious and committed relationship. It was difficult to shake reputations, and unfortunately for Lucian, he had a past that would follow him.
I—I wouldn't deny that I really liked Lucian. There was something there. An allure that persistently tugged me closer. What I was really drawn to with Lucian, however, was that sheer amount of fragility and vulnerability I saw beneath his cold exterior. He was just like everyone else, searching for that companion.
There was a lot more to him that I didn't know, but I wanted to.
"After what you told me," I began softly, "I... I feel guilty of leaving so suddenly—"
Lucian offered a small grin. "I knew this would eventually happen. You're not staying here just because of me." The taller man scoffed. "I know what I want in life, Afton. It's time for you to figure out what you want. Perhaps California will help you see things clearer. In the meantime, I'll be here waiting until you figure it out."
I laughed. "You can't honestly expect me to believe you'll wait a year for me."
Something lethal sparkled beneath Lucian's eyes as he took an advancing step forward. "You underestimate what I want," Lucian replied. "A year will be easy for me. Unless, of course, you believe I'm wasting my time. Do you truly have no interest to see where this leads us?"
He confessed a lot to me today, I was sure I could throw away a bit of my own pride.
"I am afraid to want it, but I do," I confessed. "I really do. It's an unknow. And just as you'd said, I find it easy to be myself around you. I'm really attracted to you and I..."
Lucian smiled as I trailed off. "Afraid to want it, but you want it." He chuckled briefly and it was a bitter sort of sound. "I'll wait a year. By then, if you still want distance, and if you still are too afraid to want it, then I'll let you continue running."
Ugly emotions were churning in my chest.
I wanted to stay, yet I wanted to leave. I was somehow used to these conflicting emotions ever since Lucian forcibly stepped foot into my life. "You weren't supposed to let me go."
Even when the words left me, I was relieved Lucian was encouraging me to go. If anyone had the power to stop me from going to California, it would be the underboss of the mafia. But I needed to leave. I needed to get away to find myself.
Lucian reached for me slowly, as if he were scared of me pulling away again. I walked assertively into his embrace and hugged him firmly. The scent of mint gum, black coffee, and cigarettes engulfed me. It was Lucian's smell. It was enough to relax my wired nerves.
The man inhaled my neck before placing a firm kiss to my temple.
And just like that, he let me go and walked away.
A hot pin-like sensation erupted behind my eyes as I watched him leave. He'd finally let me go. It was unrealistic to believe Lucian would wait for me like a love-sick puppy for a year. Nonetheless, he let me go and understood my reasons for wanting to leave.
And that action made me trust the man more than ever.
Watching him go, I felt my stomach clench in despair. It was difficult parting ways with Lucian, but this is what I wanted.
"Lucian," I called out, not caring if my voice cracked.
He turned to look at me over my shoulder, a finely shaped eyebrow arched in question.
"Thank you," I breathed.
Lucian, with his hands resting nonchalantly in his pockets, shrugged.
For a long moment, the man stared at me from behind the dark glasses. His expression was difficult to read, but I decided he looked indecisive more than anything. Lucian swallowed, his sharp Adam's apple dropping with the action, before he turned and left.
M.R.
Lucian slammed open the door to his father's study. "Leave us, now."
His father's Consigliere, Gian, looked up sharply at Lucian before reluctantly leaving Gabriele's side. Lucian watched as the bald-headed Consigliere shut the door behind him before round back on his father.
"You don't realize the damage you inflicted today with your actions."
Gabriele leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers. "I do realize the damage I could have inflicted, hence the reason for my actions." His father smiled grimly, not at all impressed with Lucian's anger. "I thought it was a joke when I saw him, Luciano. The boy looks as if he would piss himself if he ever came face-to-face with our clients."
Lucian usually had a decent, albeit strained relationship with his father. They disagreed several topics, but other than difference in opinions, they got along well enough. However, after the events of today, his respect for the man had dropped considerably.
"You don't even know him," Lucian hissed. "He may appear delicate, but he has true Italian blood in him. He's someone who won't take things lying down."
Gabriele looked at Lucian's black eye. "I can see as much."
Still, the man's voice was anything but understanding.
Lucian tried his best to control his temper. It was rare he would lose control in front of his father, and when it happened, Gabriele put him in his place quickly.
Lucian appreciated his father's ability to intimidate without violence, but rather with words and expressions alone. He learned a lot from Gabriele, but Lucian would never be comfortable talking to the man about his emotions and feelings.
Nonetheless, he lifted his chin and stared his father down. "You wanted me to look for a life partner, someone to settle down with, and I finally found him. Afton—"
"How long have you two been dating?"
Lucian did not answer.
The truth would make Gabriele laugh him out of the office.
Regardless, his father seemed to read his silence for what it was and a cruel grin stretched.
"There is something—"
"That draws you to him?" Gabriele interrupted with a sneer. "You can be queer all you want, boy, but you're still a man. He's a pretty thing. Unlike the others. I imagine, what you're feeling, will pass just as quickly as it did for all those other men you experimented with."
"It's not like that," Lucian responded levelly. "I trust Afton. I trust him when I find it difficult to trust anyone else. He may not know much about our Family business, but he has a fierce loyalty to the ones he loves. He would make a valuable asset not only to our business, but to our family. Our blood family."
Gabriele sat unhappily but he did not interrupt.
Lucian continued with emphasis, "Madre already approves of Afton. Aria is smitten with him and you know she doesn't trust men easily. I don't know what else you need as proof to accept that Afton is my lover. He will require far more respect from you."
Gabriele placed his palms together and tapped his fingers against his lips. After a moment of quietly contemplation, he said, "bring the boy in to me, let me speak to him."
Lucian reeled back with anger. "Because of your actions today, he's decided to leave for California for the upcoming school year. There will be no discussions with him."
Lucian was still trying to accept that he wouldn't see Afton for several months. However, he acknowledged that this relationship was something he needed to work for. And the only way they could possibly work was if Afton had a clear mind. The other man wouldn't accept their relationship if he felt pressured into it, if his mind was full of expectations from his parents, from society, from the mafia.
Gabriele remained silent for a long while as he studied Lucian's set expression.
"I find it hard to believe you are considering the possibility of settling down. It's a sign of maturity," the man finally ventured. Dropping his hands to his desk, the Boss leaned forward in his desk. "You keep your bed clean for the remainder of Conti's absence and I'll consider your words as honest."
A pause.
"I just don't foresee that happening," Gabriele taunted.
A cruel smile curled across Lucian's mouth. He had gotten a taste of Afton and nothing could satisfy Lucian until he got the rest of him.
He leaned his palms on his father's desk and loomed over the man. Their noses were nearly touching and Lucian grinned with anticipation. "Get your apology ready, Padre, because the next time you see him, you'll be kissing his ass in apology."
And what a fine ass it is...
M.R.
"Are you sure you have everything?"
I had lost count on the number of times she'd asked. "I have everything I can handle, Mom."
Kara Conti stood next to her husband with a large frown on her face. My father was frowning as well, but then again, he always frowned. He hadn't expressed his opinion at my decision to go to California.
In fact, he hadn't even said anything against my relationship with Lucian. Surprisingly, the man came back from his weekend away with a noticeably different attitude. He was still closed-off and unusually distant, but he hadn't spoken against my decisions.
Currently, I stood at the airport, preparing to depart. Besides my parents, Tony and Nick had both accompanied me, wanting to see me off.
I couldn't help myself as my eyes searched the rest of the airport, looking for another man who hadn't shown his face for several weeks. I didn't expect Lucian to come to the airport, especially because I knew it had been hard for him to let me walk away.
The man was a constant presence in my mind.
Tearing my thoughts away from Lucian, I patted Tony on the back. I had already shared a more private goodbye to Tony before we drove to the airport. The bleached-haired boy had expressed that he'd miss me, but thought I was an idiot for waiting this long to decide.
In turn, I made him agree to take care of Emily for me.
I continued to pat Nick on the back and then proceeded to hug my mother. She sniffed in my ear, but as she pulled back, there were no tears. Awkwardly, I looked at my father. Marcello stepped forward, clasping my shoulder.
"Study hard," the man spoke in parting.
"I will," I replied back just as stiffly.
Stepping back, I nodded to the group before turning to leave.
"Afton, wait," Nick called to my back. I turned, my eyes expecting to see Lucian close by, but there was no underboss in sight. Nick only approached me, holding out a cell phone. "He wanted me to give you this."
My brother handed me a familiar-looking cell phone. I smiled, feeling my gut wrench. Lucian had stolen my phone the day I ran off to New York City with Tony. Since then, whenever I asked for my phone back, the man always claimed I 'didn't deserve it'.
Apparently, I deserved it now.
With a heavy heart, I took the phone. I wasn't much of a phone user. I hadn't missed it much when Lucian took it, but having it now saved me the hassle of getting a new one.
All I could do was nod to Nick before turning to leave.
Just as I was about to board the plane, my phone vibrated. Looking down, I opened the text, noticing it was from a blocked number.
Run fast, little Conti.