It took four months to get free. Four fucking months. When I was buff enough to pull the weights above me, I started hauling myself up, inch by agonizing inch. By the time I was high enough along the masthead to snap off the part behind me, I was ready to murder Hemming and her idiots. I found a sharp bit on the bottom to cut through my bonds, and I swam myself to freedom with a fucking masthead still in my chest. Removing it and the mean little barnacles that decided to grow on my face would need a second pair of hands.
Managed to not get in a fistfight before reaching my neighbourhood. I popped into the nearby clinic through the back and got 'em removed, no questions asked. Reason why I live where I do.
The convenience store's bell jing jinged ominously as I entered. I'd attached one strap on my overalls to cover the gaping hole in my torso. Nafi glanced up and did a double take. "Oi, I thought you were dead!"
"Thanks for the confidence." I snatched a pack of fish sticks from the hot shelf and inhaled them, then another. I'd been having cravings for four months. The absorption works with nutrients too, but if you've ever gone on a no-solid-food diet, you'll know I could devour the sun.
Nafi scribbled a note of how many I was eating. "My boss is going to kill me when she realizes I fed you again."
"If I starve to death, I'll never pay off my tab."
"Your tab's paid, Joanah. That's why we thought you were dead. Boss just said if you came again not to start a new one."
I sat back. "Hemming actually stuck to her word? Neat. I should get murdered by the mob more often." I brushed off my hands and made for the door. "You're the best, Nafi. I'll be back."
"Stay safe."
"Too late."
My apartment was three minutes away. Someone had broken in while I was gone, but there was nothing to take, so everything was fine. After four months underwater, I didn't want to look at a shower. It would be good to change though.
I threw my overalls on the table. And heard the tinkle of glass shattering.
Shit, the bottle of hellgae. Tiny tendrils emerged from beneath my overalls, quivering. It went taut as it sensed me. I leapt across the room for a plastic box, scraping it in before it could murder me.
Four months underwater with me and the little fucker hadn't lost any rage. It slammed against the lid, forming and reforming into unknowably disturbing shapes. Cold keeps hellgae dormant, so I popped the container in the freezer with the other eldritch horror: five-month-old lasagna.
A cellphone started ringing. There was a sleek black one with an uncracked screen—so not mine—placed very carefully on the cleanest part of my counter. I picked up. "Fuck you, Hemming."
"Seems like you're not actually human."
"You guessed it, I'm part I'm-going-to-murder-you."
"My hellgae went missing the night you should have died. I do hope it's not in your possession." The connection went dead.
I smirked at the phone. Hemming was getting desperate. Maybe the hellgae was the last piece to calling Cthulhu back. Speaking of which, I didn't want it destroying its container when it got hungrier, so I opened the box long enough to drop Hemming's phone in, and watched the little monster fill the space with indigo jelly. When it receded, the phone was gone.
Hellgae's a pest in R'lyeh, since it eats just about everything except humans. Those it kills for sport.
I taped the lid shut and chucked the container into my sturdiest duffle. Sooner I could pass it off to the cops, sooner it wasn't my problem.
Didn't get stabbed on the way to the station, so that's something.
The Eldritch Investigation Department was a sprawling one-floor affair, although a staircase in the back led up. Plenty of buildings had new attics since the First Coming. You just stayed out of them, and if you started having weird dreams, the building gets torched.
I got about five steps in before a familiar voice punched me in the ear. "Joanah?"
Typhon's appearance isn't as badass as his name, but we've seen the same messed up shit, so we worked well together. I spread my hands. "Not dead."
"I can see that. Where the hell have you been?"
I stayed silent until we were in his cubicle, although I snatched a snack from the communal fridge. "Hemming thought I should check out the bottom of the river."
Typhon took out a notebook. He'd seen me not-drown too many times to think I was human. "And you bought a house down there? It's been four months, Joanah."
"You don't think I know that?" I pulled up my shirt to expose the hole in my torso slowly healing itself. The fish sticks were sitting uncomfortably in my stomach while they waited for my guts to be up and running. "Ship put its fucking masthead through me. Swam up today." The floor rumbled. I ignored it. "The warehouse was legit. She had hellgae." I gestured at my bag. "She'll be wanting it back though."
Typhon's eyebrows shot into his hairline. "I'm impressed."
"I take cash."
"Suppose you've earned it this time. Stop by the desk on your way out."
I leaned back with a satisfied smirk. "No one else cracked the case while I was drowning?"
Typhon tried to look busy by shuffling some papers. "Nobody's wanted to touch it after the sixth detective disappeared. You were the first."
"Aw, were you sad?"
"You were the first detective on this case, not the first I've lost."
I squinted at Typhon. He was lying. Probably.
Movement near my foot caught my eye. Black mould was leaking from a rip in the carpet, ebbing and flowing like waves on a shore. I locked eyes with Typhon.
He lurched to his feet. "EVERYONE OUT!"
The black mould sucked back into the rip.
I managed to hug the duffle as the floor dropped out. Disintegrated supports and snapped pipes rushed past my eyes. My body slapped into freezing shallow water barely hiding rough rock. I scrambled to my feet, pushing the duffle back with my foot. Typhon groaned nearby. "The hell was that?"
Dim light from the station filtered from where we'd fallen, partially blocked by people coming to investigate Typhon's shout. Thing was, they were standing on the hole. Where they stood, thick dollops of black slime collected, slowly blocking off the light. Only Typhon and I were here. Fucking Hemming. How was she able to do something like this? I squinted into the gloom. Felt like something bigger was with us.
"Don't give me silence. You know what caused this." He knelt, hand on his gun. "Come on, what's out there?"
Something heavy splashed into the water near us. Static burst in my ears. "Come on—on time, Johnny—Johnny, why don't you answer?—answer the question, Delilah, or I'll—I'll give you a push and it'll be over—over my dead body."
The last words were whispered in my ear. I whirled. Light feet pattered away.
Typhon appeared at my side. "What is it? Did you hear something?"
I stared at him.
Another bubble of static welled in my ears. "Hear me?—me the knife or I will—will give you something to remember—remember how I died."
I turned in a slow circle. The sound was mangled like an old-timey radio, but definitely human. "Hemming sent you, huh? If you want to kill us, bad news but my friend's got a gun and he's trigger-happy when it comes to slimy fuckers like you."
Typhon whipped out his weapon. "You can hear something?"
"Keeps talking but doesn't make sense. Kinda like you."
"Can't you be serious for once?"
"You seriously suck." We were losing light. And I'm not the glowy kind of anemone. I gestured at his gun. "Shoot anything that moves. I'm looking for a way out."
Typhon nodded. "Let me know what you—"
A powerful shove threw me from my feet; I landed on my back in the water. "You find what you look for—for your viewing pleasure—pleasure to meet you—you can GO DIE!" Teeth flashed. The figure bounded towards me.
BANG!
The figure faceplanted and slid to a stop at my feet. I kicked it in the head for good measure. It was a guy in ripped clothes, bleeding on the rock. Poor bastard. Bad luck to have to play host to an eldritch abomination. Typhon advanced and flipped him over. "He's still breathi—what the hell?"
I crawled over to peer at the guy's face. Black mould spilled from his pupils and down his cheeks like tears. "Why does this still surprise you? The hospital knows how to fix gross eyes. Let's just get the fuck out of here." I went back to searching the wall. If the abomination made it in, we could make it out.
A sound like someone cracking open a lobster rang through the chamber. I looked back like the horror-seeking idiot I was. The mould from his eyes was solid, clawing its way into the fading light. The body jerked into the air like a specimen being plucked by tweezers. I turned away before I threw up, my hands trying to find the smallest foothold to freedom. "Handle it, Typhon."
Silence.
"Typhon?" I turned. My heart dropped.
The body wasn't moving anymore.
"Handle it—it would be like hell—hell have you been?—been four months—months off would be nice—nice to see you—you were the first—first I've lost." Typhon's face split into a crooked smile amid black tears. The hand with the gun came up as if tugged by strings.
I held up my hands, carefully backing away. "Hold on, Typhon, let's think about this, right? You love thinking unnecessarily, and I really think it'd be good if you did that now 'cuz it's a lot more necessary for once than you might know."
His head tilted quizzically. Did the mould pause? "Know what you find—find me that paper or he—he just won't stop—stop by the desk on your way out."
"Fucking work with me, Typhon." I found purchase on the rock. I grinned. "Did Hemming send you for the hellgae? Is that it? All this for one little bottle of murder-moss?" I squinted in the half-light. Was the water darker deeper in? It'd better be. I took off at a sprint, bending and scooping up the duffle as I passed. BANG! A bullet whizzed over my head. I forced a laugh. "Typhon would've hit me already. Apparently being mouldy doesn't make you a good shot!"
I can scratch 'piss off an eldritch god' from my to do list, 'cuz a tendril of mould burst out from Typhon's eyes, hitting me square in the chest.
I was thrown backwards, this time landing in frigid knee-deep water. I grinned, unzipping the duffle while Typhon advanced. The gun was held loosely. Apparently, the abomination had figured out it couldn't use it properly. I got to my feet. "You want the hellgae? Here you go." I snapped open the container and flung its contents in Typhon's possessed face.
Static drove me to my knees. "Go—go to hell—hell is where you're headed—headed to hell and there isn't a chance—chance in hell—hell was that?" Through blurry vision, I saw the black mould recede into Typhon's eyes before an indigo sheen came over them.
I staggered upright. "That's right, you nasty jelly. We're saving his life."
For a split second, the vicious grin dropped from Typhon's face and his eyes registered me. "Joanah?"
"Fabulous," I said, grabbing him by the collar and pulled him into the pool as hard as I could.
He didn't struggle, so I guess he trusted me enough not to think I'd had enough and finally decided to drown him. When the indigo sheen started to calm, I let him come up to breathe. Which happened to be the moment the black goo blocking our escape hardened and shattered against the floor not far from us. Light spilled into the cavern. I cupped my mouth. "HEY! Get the fuck down here!"
I gleaned from the shouting that they knew to call the hospital's eldritch medic crew, so yay.
I glanced down at Typhon panting in the bitterly cold water. "So, the good news is, you're not dead. Bad news, if you leave this pool at the moment, the hellgae in your guts murders you."
The indigo sheen was starting to creep back over his eyes. "Joanah, thank you."
"Yeah, cool. Focus on not dying." I considered the plastic box floating nearby. "Hey, Mister Hellgae? Here's the deal. I'm your best bet at getting back home, so hop in the container and I'll make sure you don't get sacrificed to summon Cthulhu or torched by the EID. Deal?" I didn't know how I was going to do that, but it seemed like what it would want.
Guess what? I was right. The monster made a noise like a keyboard smash and leaked from Typhon's eyes into the container I held under his chin.
I patted Typhon's shoulder. "Great news, you can get out of the pool now."
He'd passed out.
Kinda wanted to do that myself. I dragged him from the water and did my best to reapply the tape to my new pet hellgae's container. About half an hour later Typhon was in the hospital and I was next to the stupid hole in the floor wrapped in a shock blanket. I'd had to knock over some chairs before they stopped trying to check me for injuries. Certainly didn't want them finding the torso hole and updating my health card. And it felt good to throw stuff.
Someone had left my cash on his desk, so I pocketed it.
Typhon's desk phone rang. I grabbed it. "Hemming, I'm going to fucking kill you. Where in hell did you get that monster?"
There was a timid cough on the other end. "Uhm, is this Mister Typhon?"
"What? Of course not, get off the line so the mob can call me." I dropped the receiver and it immediately started ringing again. I picked up. "Slow on the punch, Hemming."
"That is what occurs with public lines. What happened to the phone I gave you?"
"Hellgae ate it and your monstrosity. So screw off and find some hellgae of your own."
"It is my hellgae, Joanah. You stole it from me. I really thought the fiend would deliver on killing you in rather spectacular fashion, but apparently that is too much to ask. Summoning it near the station was more difficult than you might imagine." A significant pause. "I would highly recommend returning my property before more collateral damage occurs. Leave the duffle outside the door and we can put this issue behind us."
My free hand tightened into a fist. "Did you have a camera in there, asshole?"
"I had several in regular and night vision to capture your gory death for viewing by my senseless men on how to properly kill someone, but you managed to be even more disappointing than expected."
"You don't know just how disappointing I can be."
"Think about what I have said, Joanah." There was a heavy sigh on the other end. "I know how much you enjoy making trouble, so consider bringing the hellgae to my little party at Wayfinder Tower tonight. Fancy dress, I'm afraid. We can have a civilized conversation, if you know what that means. I'm sure we can reach an agreement."
I laid the receiver on the desk soshe'd have to hang up first. Oh, I was definitely going to her party,assuming everything went as it should.