Chapter Nineteen
The afternoon before Risa's annual Christmas party, I was at Jared's. It was the Saturday morning after finals week and the first real day of winter break. I was wearing his pajamas, my cheek pressed against his shoulder. It was snowing outside, white flakes dancing down from the sky. He had turned on the TV with the intent for us to watch it, but we were practically asleep as we laid there on his couch.
"You're beautiful," he said.
"You tell me that too often. You're going to get bored of saying it."
"Never," he insisted. "That's just ridiculous."
I sat up a little, our faces now level. "So Risa is having a holiday party tonight. I was wondering if you wanted to come."
"You want me to come with you?" He frowned. "What if someone we know is there?"
"It's usually just a family and friends sort of deal. You and I can just act like we're only friends. No one will know any better. I just want to have you there with me."
He thought it over for a second, his hand tracing slowly up and down my back. "If it means that much to you, I'd love to go."
I kissed him on the mouth, my excitement hardly containable. "Thank you!"
With a squeeze of my waist, he chuckled. "I have to agree to things more often if they get you this excited."
"Yes, you should!" I exclaimed.
We stayed on his couch for a good part of the afternoon before getting up to actually get ready. I was wearing some jeans I'd borrowed from Risa and a navy sweater. I hadn't bothered with makeup, but Jared still gawked at me anyway.
He held the door open for me when I got in the passenger seat and buckled my seatbelt. When his hand lingered beside my hip, I knotted my fingers in the collar of his shirt and kissed him.
"We have to go," he reminded me. "Stop that before I take you up to my room and make us late."
I grinned, taunting him. "I'm sure Risa will understand. We're only a back seat away."
"I'm not a back seat guy. Not unless I'm in a hurry." He winked, setting off warmth in my stomach.
The drive to Risa's was relatively short, but between the traffic and stop lights, we argued about the silliest thing—whether or not to listen to Christmas music.
"It's all the same!" he argued playfully. "Blah blah blah, fa-la-la mistletoe, fa-la-la Frosty the snowman."
"Okay, Scrooge." I scoffed. "It's after Thanksgiving, 'tis the season."
"Fine, but only because you're cute." He made a show of changing from a generic pop station to one that was blasting Christmas carols, the frown leaving him when he saw the way my face lit up.
We arrived a little earlier, giving him time to properly introduce himself to Risa's dads. Both of them seemed excited to meet him, happy for us as a couple. Neither of them cared that he had been my coach. They'd always been pretty incredible about that. I'd never met two people who were so open-minded.
The only people we had to worry about were Shea and Gen, who brought their respective families along. Because of that, there was no way we could be too close. PDA was off the table, at least until summer.
Throughout the night, we socialized, stealing glances at one another from across the room. It was hard not to imagine a future where we might be able to walk around holding hands, unafraid of others knowing.
At one point, Risa approached us with a man I could only assume to be Chris. He was tall and lanky with wild black curls and a slight accent when he spoke. Confidently, he shook both Jared's hand and mine.
"Chris Gonzalez," he introduced himself. "You must be Laura! Risa has told me so much about you."
I beamed. "I could say the same to you. Oh, and this is Jared."
"The strict coach?" Chris raised an eyebrow. "He doesn't seem the type."
"He's a little different on the field than he is off," Risa explained. "But Laura would know all about it. They're together, actually. I can honestly say they're one of the cutest couples ever."
"Next to us, I assume?" He nudged her playfully.
"Of course," she said.
They kissed, and it was adorable.
We made friendly conversation for a while before going our separate ways to mingle. I talked to Gen for a bit, Risa introduced Chris to everybody, and Jared drank champagne in the kitchen with some of the men, watching a basketball game on the small TV docked in the corner.
The girls and I eventually ended up in Risa's room, listening to the radio as we got away from the crowd a little. Downstairs, it all carried on, but we kept it calmer up there. She'd snagged a bottle of spiked cider, and we were passing it around.
"Aren't they going to notice it's gone?" Gen asked. It was clear she didn't really have a rebellious side, and it was funny.
"They bought a ton of bottles," Risa assured her. "It'll be fine."
I took a sip of the warm drink, already a little buzzed from the event and the alcohol. "Thanks for hosting this, Risa, it's always fun."
"I'll say," Shea chimed in. "I have to ask—who invited Coach Harper?"
"The season is over. We can call him Jared," I said quickly.
Shea narrowed her eyes at me skeptically, and I wondered if she was catching onto us. She wasn't an idiot and judging by the way she was looking at me, I needed to be more careful around her.
"Did you invite him?" she prodded.
"I did," Risa said, diverting the attention from me. "He's pretty cool when he's not being all intense. I thought it would be nice to have him around."
"I still think he's an asshole," Shea remarked, swiping the bottle from me. It was a bit forceful, and I resisted the urge to call her out. I wanted to defend Jared, but I couldn't bring myself to get on her bad side when she was in a mood like this.
"He's not so bad," Gen said, clearly confused by the tense dynamic between us.
Shea glared at me. "Well, he always had his favorites."
"Am I missing something?" Gen questioned.
"No," Shea and I said at the same time.
Risa looked ready to throttle Shea, and I hated that I was unwittingly initiating a fight between all of us. It was hurting our group, even though I didn't really know why Shea was so pissed at me in the first place.
"So, Gen," Risa said, changing the subject before verbal warfare could break out. "Are you excited to head to Penn State?"
"Yeah," Gen replied happily. "I've already started talking to some roommates and figuring out who I want to live with. It's really cool."
We ventured into the realm of dorm decor, rambling on about Pinterest boards and drinking until Risa's dads called us back to the main room. There was no mistaking Shea's wrath, but I seriously had to wonder what I did to her. I didn't want to believe it was the captain thing, but it was all I could think of.
Risa and Gen were out first, leaving us in the room alone. Before I could leave, Shea stood in front of the bedroom door, pushing it shut with her back.
"You almost forgot your phone," she told me, her stare blank. She activated the screen, leaving me to face my own wallpaper.
It was a picture of Jared, standing in the kitchen, laughing as I snapped the photo. I'd meant to keep the screen saver the same until I went back to school. I thought I would be safe. I didn't think she'd be picking up my phone, but she had, and now I'd made my bed and was going to be forced to lie in it.
"Let me explain, Shea," I tried to say.
"Don't bother telling me it isn't what it looks like!" she spat. "You're messing around with our soccer coach."
"Keep your voice down," I hissed.
She recoiled, her face contorted in disgust. "How long has it been going on?"
"Technically?" I hesitated. "Before the year started. We met before he was my coach."
"And you still hooked up with him anyway?" She shook her head as though she still couldn't believe it. "That's why he was always looking at you. That's why you had that random jacket at Championships. It was his! No wonder he picked you for captain! What is wrong with you, Laura? What are you thinking? This is so wrong."
"I want to be with him," I said. "That's what I was thinking. He's only three years older than me and we're both going to Brown. It's not as bad as you're making it out to be."
"But he's your coach," Shea spat, obviously missing the point.
"I'm an adult!" I reminded her. "Would you just drop it?"
"You know you're just a piece of ass to him right?" she spat. "That's all you are. There's no way he could actually love you. You're just the young, hot player he scored. When he gets bored of you, you'll realize that you fucked your whole team over with your selfishness."
"You don't know him," I countered. "You don't know us. This isn't a fling, I swear. What we have is real."
She shook her head. "You're unbelievable. Don't worry, Laura, you and your dirty secrets are safe with me. Just don't come crying to me when it crashes and burns."
As she stormed away, slamming the door open, she pushed right past Jared. He saw the stricken look on my face, and I could tell by the way he paled that he knew exactly what happened.
"I was looking for the bathroom," he murmured. "I only heard a little bit of that. What happened, baby? What did she do to you?"
I started to cry. "Jared, she knows. She knows about you and me and she's pissed about it."
"I know," he said. "We can handle this. I just don't know—"
"Can we really deal with this?" I interrupted, pulling from his grasp. "Oh, God."
His blue eyes darted around, hoping no one else was there to bear witness. He tugged my wrist until we were inside the guest room, locking us in for privacy. I sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to process what had just happened. Just like that, I had lost a friend, my secret could possibly be shared with the world, and we could both be in so much trouble.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Laura, I need you to remember two things before I say what I need to say to you."
I felt my stomach sink, wondering how I somehow managed to keep breathing. I knew where this was going, even before he started talking. We couldn't pretend anymore. There was no pretending anymore.
This was becoming real. It was no longer a hide-and-seek love affair. It was real. This was real.
"The first is that I care about you." He swallowed as if trying to keep himself from bursting into tears of his own. "I care more than anyone else in the entire world. I mean that. I really do. The second is that I will always, truly adore you."
"So where's the catch?" I whimpered, wiping my eyes.
"I can't be with you. Not like this." He shuddered, his breathing ragged, as though his voice was being torn apart by the same force ripping open my heart. "I can't be with you knowing that I could be the reason you lose all your scholarships. That's what's going to happen if this gets out. I can't believe I was so stupid not to see it. If Brown finds out, they'll have grounds to revoke any offers, and the same goes for any other school."
"I don't care about the schools!" I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation. "It has never been about the damn colleges, Jared. There are more important things!"
"You are not throwing away your future for me!" he shouted back.
"That's not your decision!"
"It is now!" he exclaimed. "I can't be with you while you're still in high school. I was your coach and no one will ever be okay with that. I won't be with you like this and I won't ruin your reputation."
He had said his piece now, looking defeated as he stood before me.
"You're leaving me?" I breathed the question, unable to believe it. "You're really just gonna walk away?"
He clenched his jaw. "I don't have a choice."
"You always have a choice," I sobbed, wrapping my arms around myself as if that would keep me steady. "You're choosing to leave. No one is forcing you to do anything, so quit acting like you don't get a say in any of it."
It wasn't fair of me to say that. As long as we were an item, Shea had information that could be dangerous. She wasn't blackmailing me, not yet, but she was pissed enough that I wasn't about to trust her to keep it a secret.
"It's wrong," he said, almost like he was telling himself. "We can't do this. Not right now. So how about we just put it on hold?"
He was hurting me. It was like he was stabbing me in the chest over and over and over. I was in so much emotional pain it hurt me physically. Tears and snot were running down my face, dribbling past my lips. My entire body was shaking from holding back every emotion I was fighting.
"Don't you get it, Jared?" I gasped. "I love you, okay? I love you!"
He knelt down beside me, never missing a beat. "I love you too. I love you so much."
"Then just... can we wait until New Year's Eve?" I asked. "All I want is to wait until New Year's. After that, we can have our little break. I just want a few more days."
He nodded. "Okay, baby, we can do that."
"I don't want to take a break," I told him, burying my face in my hands. "I feel like you're walking away from me."
"Just until you graduate," he said. "I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I compromised your future."
I just kept shaking my head. He sat down beside me and took me in his arms, letting me cry until I ran out of the tears. We hid upstairs for most of the party before I finally asked him to leave so I could be with Risa for a while.
He looked hurt, but he agreed, kissing me one last time before he left.
As Risa's dads cleaned up, she brought leftover pie into her room and shared it with me. I stuffed my face and told her everything, and she listened, offering me tissues when I needed them. Sometimes, when it feels like the end of the world as you know it, you need your best friend to help you keep it together.
***
I'm sorry for forgetting to update!! I wish I had a cool reason to talk about why I went missing for a moment, but I don't. I've been so busy trying to get this book published that I forgot people were reading it!!!! Totally my bad, y'all.
So... stuff is kinda sad right now. Jaura is having a rough patch and Shea knows their secret and wowowowowow big ooof for those two
Catch you later, Wattpad!
signing off,
mads