After talking to Levi the other day, you feel much better mentally. Two weeks after that, is the day where you'll be going to an exploration. Your complexion doesn't seem getting worse nor getting better, but it's probably a good news for you. Before going to the battlefield and don't know if you were to live or not, you went to see your brother on your patrol today. He's there smiling, sitting on a nearby bench near the church. You sigh in relief, his smile made you forgot about this forsaken world.
You, as always, asked the Sisters to take care of him and hand them a generous amount of donation. Although they did tell you that sometimes that you donate a little bit too much and that you keep insisting it as a gratitude. After saying you goodbye, you went back and report in for the patrol.
Later at the night, you somehow sleep soundly without any problem.
<Time skip to the time of departure>
You take a deep breath and get on your horse. Soon, you stroll through the town, to the gate and finally accelerate to the forest. During the exploration, everyone was split into 3 groups. You're not in the same group as Levi. Your group were to head to the forest on the west while Levi's group were to head to the north. After riding for a while, the pack part ways and depart to the designated place. While you were galloping your way through the forest, there are some abnormal titan jumping to your direction. You use your gear and shot the hook to the tree.
"What the hell... They literally jumped from trees."
The abnormal titan turn their head with a bloody soldier on their mouth. Some look at them with horror and some with rage. You shot a red flare, hoping that the other group will see then somehow help. Closing your eyes for a second, you step down to eliminate them.
"EVERYONE, ELIMINATE THE TITANS AND SAVE THOSE WHO ARE STILL ALIVE!"
You said as you cut through the neck of Titans. The other shout in rage and soon join you. While you were eliminating one, a girl, probably joined not long ago, was cornered by 2 Titans. The other are busy eliminating the other Titans as they keep on coming. You refuse to let her die and rush to the cadet's side. Just when you rush there, not paying attention to what's around that well, a titan tried to grab you. You barely dodge it and slam yourself on a tree and fall to the ground. You cough terribly and blood came out along with flower petals.
You groans and tried to get up. Seems like your rib bone broke and stab onto your lung. Trying to get up, your body screams on pain.
Damn, if only I'm stronger.
Still sitting there , a titan came closer while staring at you. It's smiling.
Fuck. This doesn't look good......
"Squad leader!!" Scream Eren.
Eren and your squad tried to head your way but to be blocked by the Titans.
You look up to see the titan.
"It looks like a creepy stalker."
Yes, you just have to say that at that exact moment you see that twisted face of the titan.
Despite wanting to comment on the very face of the titan, you quickly check on your 3DMG. What's more is that, it's busted. Perfect. Just perfect.
"I'm one screwed bastard aren't I?"
You tried to get up but more petals blocking your respiratory way. Vomiting the petals out to clear your throat, the titan came closer and grab you to later squeeze your limbs. You struggle and tried to free your hands but to no avail. The titan raise you to it's mouth, ready to swallow you up.
At that very moment, you just knew there wouldn't be any chance for you to be free from it's grip. You look at the side, there your comrade shouting and trying to get to you. Eren getting ready to bite his hand. You look at him and said, Eren, don't. Climb. Run. Get away.
Eren looked at you with eyes wide and tears piling up on his eyes.
A smile painted on your pale face.
Hah.... I guess, this is the end for me. Not that it wouldn't end even if I managed to get away from this. Levi doesn't love me.
I'm reduced to this sorry state and couldn't even protect my family.
And for the cherry on top, my fucking flower disease.
What an unlucky human I am.
Not even bothering to struggle anymore, you look at the Titan's mouth becoming closer and closer in view.
If I die, will everything end?
I'm tired of everything.
I guess getting eaten by a titan in a battlefield is fine.
If I just die, I won't feel anything anymore right?
This endless suffering will end right?
You close your eyes as you slowly approach the mouth of the gigantic being. A stream of warm tear rolls down your cheek.
If so, then I'll gladly welcome this death.
Are you sure about that?
Yes.
Then why are the other you crying for help?
What do you mean?
'Help me..'
'Anyone, please'
'I don't want to die...'
'I don't want to die... I don't want to die. I don't want to die! I don't want to die!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!'
That's right. I don't want to die. I have a brother I must protect!
But what can you do right now in this miserable state? Your limbs are squished and you could barely have strength left. Pathetic. You shouldn't have freely opened your heart. If you hadn't done that, you wouldn't fall to this pathetic state of yours.
It's all your own fault.
Now you must pay with your own life.
Enjoy your death that you cause by yourself.
You freezed at word and the titan gobbles you up. You slide down onto it's mouth and close the only source of light along with the image of your comrade crying over you probably death.
With the only little strength you got, you grab onto your spare knife and stab it on it's throat, making you not sliding down despite your hand grabbing onto the non-handled knife. The crimson liquid drip and continue dripping, painting your face and you can taste iron in your mouth.
It hurts. It's painful. I'm tired of everything but why couldn't I let go of this knife? What that voice has told me are true. I should pay for everything I did with my life but, why? I can't let go... Despite the feeling of the knife cutting my flesh, why couldn't I let go?
That's right. The knife is so sharp that even the slightest movement will cut your flesh. So instead of the feeling of being cut down bit by bit, why couldn't you let go? By this point, even I can't save you from your stupidity. Why would you chose pain over peaceful death?
I don't know...
Then what do you think will happened even if you survived? It doesn't change anything. Your comrade must have died earlier so why don't you join them to the path of hell? The more the merrier~
I don't...want to...
Do you think they'll be glad if you survived alone in this place while the others died in this very place called the body of titan? Isn't that unfair? Why did you get to live while others die?
I...
It have been tiring, all these years. Work, eat, go on expedition, come back with some of your friends dying and some of the remains was left behind on the battlefield, and sleep. Never ending cycle. Not to mention your family died because you didn't save them.
But brother...
Ah right. He's saved but look at the state he's in now? Pathetic. Then how about you? Even more pathetic~ You vow to protect everyone after that incident of your pathetic family's death.but look at you now. You didn't even do your job properly right now. Now they're most likely dying outside. Pity. Their precious life is now gone because of you.
I... I...
You what? It's not your fault? You dare to blame that onto someone else? You sin? Hah!
... Sobs ...
What? Crying now? You know it's of no use. But since we're about to end this conversation, seeing how you have slowly loosing your grip, you have all the time to cry now.
Ugh.... Sobs...! I'm sorry.... Mother... Father... Sobs..! Brother... It's all my fault... I'm sorry... I'm sorry.... If only I got there in time...! I'm sorry.. heugh...! I'm sorry.. but I.. I....!
Just as you were crying, there was a sudden impact and now you're in a position of lying onto the wall of the throat. The titan has fall into the ground.
You close your eyes and came to realization, you calm yourself down. You know you don't have the right but you wanted to get out despite your haggard condition.
Knowing the titan is practically on the ground, you crawl up and and use the knife to split the throat open, and you push your hand out and struggle to come out. Just as you struggle, a hand pulled you out. And you landed on something firm yet clean. The familiar clean smell. His ravenette hair flutters as you widened your eyes. "Tch, what the hell are you doing inside a titan? There are other more comfortable place to stay in other than that filthy thing." Said the man with annoyance yet with a hint of worry on it. With the support of the man, you managed to distant away for a bit and looked at him. He's Levi. He came. He saw the flare. You smiled for a bit.
"You.. came.." was your last words before your vision turns black.
-----------
The ravenette hold onto the now unconscious (hair color) head, patting him let out a sigh of relief. "You did a good job hanging in there. I can't lose you too. You're too precious..."
The ravenette carried the now unconscious soldier and retreat to the carriage.
"Levi heichou! Isn't that...?" Eren approach Levi and was shocked at the sight of him carrying (y/n).
"He's alive. Now move you brat! We need to return as soon as possible!" Shout the ravenette with annoyance.
Eren let out sigh of relief and do as he told.
Time skip till 2 weeks later.
The sunlight hits you eyelid and you slowly opened your eyes. You see a familiar ceiling.
This is the headquarter.
Your finger flinch and you tried to move them, getting yourself up.
I'm alive. How?
You racked up your brain, remembering what happened, you looked at the window outside. Looks peaceful.
You looked down, checking your own condition.
A bunch of bandage and pain all over.
As you were checking on how bad the wounds probably are, you breathing was suddenly blocked and coughs out the flowers. Yes. Flowers. In it's full bloom along with it's stem and a bit of root. Your eyes reddened as you tried to get more out as tears and sweat rolls down you cheek. Later, you heard the door cracking open. It's Hangë, looking stunned then hurried to your kneeling side. She patted you back and looked at what you were vomiting. She looked horrified. She dare not ask at the moment and tried to stay rational, processing what happened.
You wheezed, finally clear you throat and smiled , "We'll discuss this later but please don't ask anything for now ."
Hangë somehow agreed then recheck your condition and inform the others of your state, keeping the flower vomiting a secret. The others soon visits you. After the very loud visit by everyone, later at night, Hangë came. "I know that your condition isn't on the best state but mind if we talk now?"
"Why did you keep it a secret? About the disease"
"Because, what use would it be if I told anyone? Not that they'll believe what in the world is happening, it's not like there's a cure to this disease."
"Even so, if you have told us earlier we would've been able to search for the cure sooner! Looking at your current condition, I doubt you have more than a week. You heart has weaken and now your lungs filled with flowers!"
You chuckles.
"But then, do you know why this happened...?" Hangë asked nervously.
You laughs like a madman and Hangë looks at you, horrified at the answer you gave her.
"It's because someone I love didn't reciprocated my feelings."
"That's a real bad joke, (y/n). It's not funny. What kind of nonsense-"
She looked at you, knowing what you speak is the truth with no single lie.
"that just doesn't makes sense....!"
"What makes you came up with such conclusion?"
"Because everytime I got jealous, the flower started to torn me apart."