Where were we? Oh yes, the F-word.
Switzerland and cheese fondue have a closer association than steaming fondue in France, but it’s definitely a big deal in Paris, and an even bigger deal in the trap. Several restaurants in the trap boast the “meilleur” (best) fondue or raclettes on their menu boards. If you haven’t heard of a “raclette,” it’s a hearty dish that begins with a mound of cheese suspended from a rack. The cheese slowly melts onto a plate of ingredients eagerly awaiting a cheese-bath, an ingenious method that minimizes the risk of congealment. Now unlike an order of fondue that usually only comes with bread, with raclettes you’ll also get meat, potatoes, and sometimes even pickles.
Apologies...I had to step away for a minute to wipe some drool, but now that I’m back, let me tell you this: if multiple restaurants in the same area boast the “best” of anything (and feign a rustic feel with a wood-paneled interior), you can rest assured there is no “best” of any kind happening on the menu. Another sure sign of mediocrity is the presence of proprietors standing outside their restaurants to lure you in, and you’ll experience that at least seven times if you stroll your way through the trap.
And so, if you care at all about getting the best fondue or raclettes in Paris, the kind the locals seek out in droves, do yourself a solid and head over to Chalet Savoyard (58 Rue de Charonne, M9 Charonne). It might mean a twenty-minute trek from the river (métro + walk), and waiting a bit longer for service, but with the local vibe and authentic eats you won’t be sorry.
My next big sore spot with the trap is the plethora of souvenir shops. My distain seems initially confusing, since from every angle of the trap you’d think you were in souvenir heaven (a heaven that consists of twenty or so shops within a comfortable walking distance). This area is basically your one-stop shop for Eiffel Tower trinkets and Paris-themed mugs.
That is...if you don’t mind paying a little bit more for a little less variety.
For slighter lower prices and a bigger assortment, check out the streets of Montmartre, just below the grassy hill at the foot of the Sacré-Coeur basilica. It’s here that I found an affordable Paris bandana for my cat. You know...if you’re into that sort of thing. There’s an even greater selection at the top of the hill behind Sacré-Coeur. ‘Twas here that I procured a child-sized beret for my niece (what good are toddlers if you can’t dress them up?). And so, when you’re visiting Sacré-Coeur, be sure to pop into the souvenir shops in the charming little streets just behind it (Rue Norvins and beyond). These shops will of course have the usual stuff, like the Eiffel Tower models in every size, but more than that, you’ll encounter an art-lover’s souvenir dream. There’s everything from the retro prints of Paris you see for sale down by the river (but cheaper here), to calendars and coasters and more, in a larger variety of prints than you’ll find anywhere else. Oh and let’s not forget the affordable array of sketches depicting all the famous landmarks, because yes, they are here.
The best part of all?
The more prints you buy the cheaper they are; volume discount, yo!
Before I forget, there’s also an outdoor gallery, where local artists sell magnificent Paris-themed work; it’s definitely worthy of a slow meandering stroll on a breezy day, and not entirely out of one’s price range, if original artwork is your thing. I have much more to say on the neighbourhood of Montmartre (particularly on the quieter streets for strolling), but that’s to come.
So let’s re-cap: if you skip the souvenir shops that dominate the trap, you’ll save some money, you’ll have a wider variety of options, and you might even get some fresh air.
Back to the topic of food...let me touch on a certain something you may find yourself eating long after dinner, when it’s necessary to soak up the alcohol coursing through your veins:
-The gyro
The tourist trap is the land of the gyro, it really is.
On Rue Saint Severin alone they are two gyro stands within twenty feet of each other. One street over on Rue de la Harpe there’s another one. And by the way, the gyros are all stuffed with French fries.
A meaty, French-fry-infused gyro?! Could anything be better as a pre-emptive strike against a hangover?
I unfortunately bought into the hype, which left me sitting curb-side with a frown, as I nibbled on a dry, bland, not-enough-sauce-and-not-enough-veggies gyro.
In my six months in Paris that year, it was probably the worst 5 euros I ever spent.
So please, don’t believe the hype, even if person after person is stuffing his/her face into a gyro as they pass you by.
But wait...why should you worry about gyro-stuffing people in the trap, if you won’t even be going there based on my advice?
Well...it’s just that...I think you should visit the tourist trap because it has a few hidden gems.
Eeek!
I know, Paris can be a little trickster, but that’s why I’m here, so let’s keep navigating through it.
Keeping in mind all of the above on avoiding the pitfalls of the trap, the solution to the crappy gyro problem resides in the trap’s very clutches. Irony! It’s not always easy to find things on little side streets, so let’s hop and skip there together.
To begin, we’ll have to remove ourselves from the main maze of streets in the trap, by crossing Boulevard Saint-Michel to get to what they call “Place Saint-Michel” (“place” means square in Paris).
So now you’re standing at the base of a fountain within a big crowd of people. Ditch them all, and proceed along the right-hand side of the fountain. Now you’re on Rue Saint-André des Arts. To your left you’ll see Place Saint-André des Arts, which is the primary headquarters for tourists getting shoulder and upper-leg massages (yes, upper leg...yeesh), all whilst sitting in uncomfortable folding chairs. I strongly advise you to decline massage offers from a random person whose credentials don’t extend beyond a folding chair, hands, and the French equivalent of the open-enrollment University of Phoenix. I mean I’m not your mom, so fine, do whatever you want, but my job is to warn you and now I have, so let’s move on.
Where were we? Oh yes, continue along this street and in just a few steps (after you pass a Subway sandwich shop) you’ll see it on your left-hand side: Topoly (25 Rue Saint-André des Arts, M4: Saint-Michel).
This is shawarma heaven.
I’m no longer calling it a gyro, since we’ve moved on over to a Middle-Eastern vibe. Besides, you don’t get tangy turnips in your Greek-style gyro. So there.
Topoly earns its spot high above the rest for one important reason:
-Fresh bread.
It’s not just any fresh bread, but dough that is flattened onto a searing hot dome, and baked to perfection within sixty seconds. The end result is a shawarma wrapped in the thinnest, freshest bread you’ve ever eaten, with an added light crisp for amazing texture. Depending on the time of day, the proprietors may give you bread from a stack that was baked many hours ago. If you say: “Pain frais sil-vous-plait!” (“Fresh bread, please!”), they’ll sometimes power up the dome and make you a fresh one. Other times they’ll simply look at you like you’re crazy (I know the spectrum, I’ve eaten there like twenty times). Worst case scenario: you’ll get bread that was made much earlier in the day, but the end result is still a thin bread far superior to any gyro I’ve had in Paris.
Note: if you enjoy things like turnip and hummus in your shawarma, you’ll have to specifically ask for those ingredients (or point from behind the glass, either method works).
Second note: due to the strongly-flavoured sauces (which I love), please allow a twelve-hour grace period between shawarma consumption and make-out sessions with charming men; extra-strength mouthwash is highly recommended.
Almost directly across from Topoly is Corcoran’s Irish Pub (28 Rue Saint-André des Arts, M4 Saint-Michel). I know you’re rolling your eyes at me right now, but when you’ve spent all day practicing your French and being so very Parisian, it’s nice to wander into a loud and homey pub to relax with a tall cold beer (cherry-flavoured Belgian beer for me, ‘cause I’m a baby). There are three Corcoran’s in Paris, but I like this one for its central location and lively atmosphere, which always seems to include some travellers from the UK. Surprisingly though, you’ll hear a fair share of French conversations as well. It’s one of those places where you’re sure to strike up a chat with someone new, which is a stark contrast to the terraces of Paris, where the chairs all face the street for interesting people-watching, but very little people-interacting (aside from the friends you’re already with). The classic Parisian “terrasse” certainly has huge benefits, but we’ll cover that more in the section on cafés.
If you go to Corcoran’s, try your best to get a seat on the main floor, preferably by the bar, because that’s where the action is. There’s also a basement but it feels a lot more confined, which is great for conversations with friends, but not so great for bumping into people and striking up new acquaintances.
Further down this street is a cute little jewellery shop called Amazonia (36 Rue Saint-André des Art, M4 Saint-Michel). If you’re looking for expensive diamond-encrusted fare, this is definitely not the place, but for a plethora of cute or glamourous pieces as low as 10 euros each, you have arrived. It’s hard to find affordable jewellery in Paris unless you’re jostling through the accessories aisle of H&M, but that’s why I loved this random place. It’s a quiet shop with a friendly saleswoman who helps you but doesn’t harass. The first time I was here I got a pair of these super-cool, coral-coloured chandelier earrings. I bought them because I needed something dazzling to attract this guy, and we know how the boys go all crazy for a sexy set of ears. I mean aren’t all the biggest hip-hop songs usually about that body part? I’m pretty sure the current number-one track on the Billboard Hot 100 is “Shake Those ‘Lobes.” In other words I killed it that night.
My final two gems of the tourist trap are of the literati variety. These two English bookshops are different and worthy in their own special ways, and they’ll need a whole chapter of their own.
In the meantime, I hope that with my breakdown of the trap and its far superior alternatives, you can see that with a few exceptions, it’s better to simply avoid it.
Perhaps some allure still lingers, when you think about all the things you could accomplish with a dedicated visit to the trap; I mean talk about a time-saver! I’ll admit, it’s a convenient alternative, but you know what else is convenient?
Walmart.
And with that, let us continue with our very un-Walmart-like journey...