the first fight
Niall went home as soon as he's done with his training that didn't last as long as it usually did. His coach was in a good mood, still happy from their win yesterday, as did his other teammates, but even so, their good mood didn't rub off on him. He mostly kept to himself, did everything their coach wanted them to do and when they're done, he was the first one to leave.
Back at home, Niall spends the remaining of his day on his couch with the television on, trying and failing to ignore the one thing that's been on the forefront of his mind since he woke up this morning: Astrid Chan.
It doesn't take him long to realise that he's being harsh on Astrid. That he's being unfair for not giving her a chance to explain what happened last night and for completely ignoring her when she tried to reach out to him. He's aware of the fact that he's acting like a jerk. And yet, there's still a part of him, albeit a tiny part, that makes him believe that he's doing the right thing. He's protecting himself -- his heart. And if it means acting like a jerk, then so be it.
"Christ," Niall mutters to himself as he runs a hand down his face. Did he really just think that it's okay to be a jerk to protect himself? That's not how he's brought up. That's not him. What the fuck was he thinking? Had he really been so far up his arse that he didn't stop to think about Astrid's feelings? That he had allowed his insecurities, his fears to take control?
He hates that he knows the answer to this (it's a yes).
Niall's about to get up and find his phone when he gets a call from the doorman. He gets that call whenever he has guests -- someone apart from Oscar and Matt -- and right now he can't think of anyone who would want to come and see him. Which is why when he's told that there's an Astrid Chan coming to visit him when he picks up the call, he's so shocked that the doorman almost takes his silence as a no. But then he quickly snaps out of it and tells the doorman to let her come upstairs and that she's allowed to come upstairs whenever she's here.
Niall is still reeling with shock when Astrid steps inside his home, into his personal space, and when she greets him with a soft smile, one that has never failed to melt him, he almost misses it. But then she steps closer to him and her mere presence brings him back to reality.
His anchor.
"Hey," he smiles at her. She returns his smile with one of her own but it's the kind of smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. He doesn't like it one bit. He knows he should say something else other than a hey but having Astrid in front of him has made his brain short-circuited. So he leads her to the living room instead. He gestures for her to take a seat on his couch and she does, and he occupies the seat next to her, leaving a much-needed space between them.
"You've been ignoring me," she points out when he remains silent. Always straight to the point. Niall likes that about her. It's daunting but it's refreshing at the same time. People often waste their time beating around the bushes but Astrid's not like that. "You're mad at me, aren't you?"
Niall opens his mouth, about to tell her no when he stops himself. Starting this conversation with a lie won't be right. He lets out a sigh and admits, "A little, yeah."
"A little?" She repeats like she doesn't believe him. He wouldn't have believed him either because his actions said otherwise.
Niall chews on his lower lip, mulling over his words before he speaks. He doesn't want to end up saying the wrong thing so he needs to make sure everything that will come out of his mouth is something that he means to say. "I was mostly mad at myself."
Astrid's forehead creases in confusion. Niall wants to step forward and erases the frown with his fingers but he stops himself. He doesn't think she'd appreciate it if he does that because first, he needs to clear the air. Needs to apologise for being an arsehole. And only then he'll allow himself the privilege of closing the gap between them.
"I'm sorry," he apologises.
The apology itself rolls off of his tongue naturally, easily, but the words that he's going to say next sit heavily on the tip of his tongue. He palms the back of his neck to ease the tension that's been there since last night but it does nothing. He swallows the lump in his throat to get rid of the bitterness but it's still there.
"I shouldn't have ignored you." He begins as he brings his fingers up to his hair, raking it and tugging at it, making it stick up at odd angles. "It's just... when you mentioned Leo's name, I immediately assumed the worst. And when you left the bar to go see him, I don't know, I thought that you'd always choose him over me. That even though you two have broken up, he'll always come first to you. And I'll always come second."
Niall chances a glance at Astrid, expecting her to look at him as though he's the most ridiculous person ever or to look at him with anger flashing in her eyes. But instead, he sees something else entirely.
He sees distress and... disappointment.
He's seen her annoyed before, has seen her angry and he's seen her sad -- he doesn't like any of those but he doesn't like this look the most even though this is his first time seeing it. He's never seen her look so disappointed. Her face is ashen and her shoulders heave as she continues to breathe in and out, in and out.
It's disconcerting seeing her like this and when she presses her lips together into a thin, hard line, her eyebrows drawn tight, and she looks around the hallway as if she's regretting her decision to come over here, Niall has the most horrible, sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. The idea that he's made her so upset like this makes his heart hammer in his chest that he might get physically sick from it.
Niall opens his mouth to say something, to break the suffocating silence between them, but nothing comes out. He doesn't want to risk making things worse but at the same time he wants to salvage it, the urge to make things better overwhelming him. But he fears that if he so much as moves, he'll fuck things up (if he hasn't already).
"Why... What makes you come to that conclusion?" She asks. There's not a trace of emotions in her voice and that scares him even more. He'd rather have her get mad at him than her not feeling anything. That's never a good sign -- Niall knows that much is true.
"I don't--I don't know," Niall answers honestly. He hates that answer. Hates sounding like an uncertain jerk but that is the truth. He doesn't know why and what made him come to that conclusion. Other than the fact that jealousy reared its ugly head last night and he let it take over.
"God, Niall," Astrid sighs as she gets up from his couch and starts pacing in front of him. She has one hand on her hip and the other in her hair. Then she pauses, turns around to face him and asks, "Did you think something was gonna happen between Leo and I when I went to see him?"
When Niall doesn't answer (he doesn't want to lie to her and at the same time, he doesn't want to say the truth out loud), she screws her eyes shut and pinches the bridge of her nose.
"I'm not that kind of person," she says. This time, her voice is thick with emotions and the gravity of her words sit heavily on Niall. Standing up, Niall walks over to her and before his hands can reach out for her, he stops himself. That's not what she wants, he thinks, because she looks hurt by his indirect accusation and Niall can't fix that by touching her. It'll only make things worse, he reckons. So he keeps his distance.
"I know," Niall replies, regret lilting his voice. "I know you're not. I just... Christ. I don't know what came over me. I was angry and I was jealous and I acted out. I took it out on you even though I shouldn't and fuck, Astrid, I'm so sorry."
Astrid looks at him, myriads of emotions passing through her dark brown eyes. Niall holds his breath as he waits for her to speak but when it seems like she's not going to say a word anytime soon, he breaks the silence between them.
"Astrid," he says her name and when she winces, Niall is more than ready to get on his knees to beg for forgiveness. To make everything better, go back to the way they were. "I'm really sorry. I know I fucked up and you have every right to get mad at me—"
"I'm not mad," she interrupts him softly. Her response gives him a flicker of hope. "I was worried and... Annoyed and disappointed and okay maybe a bit mad when you thought something happened between Leo and me."
"I'm sorry," Niall apologises again. If he has to apologise a thousand more times, he won't mind doing it. When he sees her features softening slightly, he steps forward and reaches for her hand. He intertwines their fingers and brings their laced hands to his chest, letting her feel the beating of his heart. "I'm sorry. I'm shit at communication, I know, but I'll do--I'll be better. I promise."
"That's a huge promise," Astrid comments.
"Yeah. Well." He breathes. "I'd do anything for you."
Astrid melts into him, then, a smile on her lips, and Niall almost says the three words that he's always wanted to say. This isn't the first time he wants to say it and this isn't the first time he chooses to swallow the words instead. He wants nothing more than to shout his feelings at the top of his lungs. But he wants it to be perfect and doesn't want the first time he tells her he loves her to be associated with the memory of their first fight. It'll probably make them laugh if they think back on it in the future, but still.
"Please don't ever think that you come second to me," Astrid tells him as she closes the distance between them and brings her hand up to his cheek. He leans into her palm, feeling her warmth spreading all over him.
As if her touch is all he needs, the tension seeps out of him, pooling at his feet. Niall's heart thumps against his ribcage upon hearing her declaration. It's music to his ears. The kind that makes him wonder if he's hearing her right.
"I shouldn't have left the way I did," she says quietly, but loud enough for Niall to catch each and every word she spoke. "I didn't want to —trust me. I almost asked my Uber driver to take me back to the bar but I... I didn't."
Astrid removes her hand from Niall's cheek and lets it hang limply by her side as she looks around his place as if she finally realises where she's really at. It's her first time being here so he lets her take in the surroundings. He could tell she has something else to say, but he doesn't press. Instead, he waits until her eyes meet his again and she continues,
"When Leo texted me, all I could think about was how badly I needed him to be out of my life and the sooner he came over to get his things, the sooner that'd happen."
"You don't have to explain yourself," he tells her.
"I know," she agrees with a small smile. "But I want to."
Niall doesn't say anything else. Simply nods and reaches for her hand, leading her to the couch so they could take a seat. They sit next to each other and Niall could feel her thigh pressed against his. Their laced hands rest on his knee and Niall tries not to think about how intimate this feels.
"He wanted to know if I'm seeing you," Astrid continues. Niall looks up. "I... I told him yes. I hope that's okay with you. I don't--I don't know where we stand 'cause we never really talk about it--"
"It's okay with me," Niall interjects.
She looks at him, smiles and squeezes his hand. "That's... That's good to know."
"What'd he say when he told you about us?" Niall can't help asking.
He suddenly remembers the conversation he had with Leo at the gym back in New York and how Leo was suspiciously interested in Niall's past with Astrid. He wondered then and he wonders now if Leo could tell Niall has feelings for Astrid. He doesn't know if Leo is that perceptive, in fact, he doesn't know Leo that well but that's a possibility.
"He said he saw it coming," she answers. She opens her mouth again to say something else but decides against it.
"What?"
Astrid shakes her head. "Nothing."
"Okay."
Niall doesn't believe her but he doesn't want to push. It seems like something she'd rather not talk about and he can respect that. Right now, though, he has something else to ask. Niall pulls her to him until she's sitting on his lap and giggling by the sudden move, her arms looped around his neck.
Running his palm up and down her thigh, he asks, "Are we official?"
"I mean. If you want it to be."
Niall raises an eyebrow at her. "You know you can have a say in it too, yeah?"
Astrid lets out a laugh that sends shivers down his spine and when she nestles her head in the crook of his neck, he actually shivers, goosebumps breaking across his skin.
When she pulls back, she looks straight into his eyes and says, "I'd love to be official with you."
Astrid's smile is the last thing he sees before he captures her lips for a kiss. One of her hands moves down to the hard muscle of his chest and he's pretty sure she could feel his heart thudding against her fingertips whilst his hand creeps up her thigh.
When they pull away, Niall's lips blaze a hot trail along her jaw and down her neck. She shivers when he sucks and nips gently at her pulse point, and the knowledge that his touch has that effect on her puts a smug smile on his lips. But that smile disappears almost instantly when she presses ever so slightly into him, her body making contact with him in all the right places.
Niall lets his hand drift upward, under her shirt, spreading against her rib cage and then up to the underside of her breast. The sound that comes out of her mouth makes him dizzy, makes him want to commit that very sound into his memory and never forget about it.
"Niall." If he thinks her moan is the best sound in the world, the way she just said his name is his undoing. He wants to hear her say it again and again and again. Astrid snags the collar of his t-shirt and tugs at it, and within seconds he's shirtless in front of a fully clothed Astrid Chan. She pulls back and admires her view, a smile on her lips.
"This is hardly fair," Niall comments.
"I agree," she nods.
Niall reaches for the hem of her shirt but before he pulls it up over her head, he asks, "Is this okay?" She nods and it's all the confirmation he needs to take her shirt off. Now she's in front of him in her bra and Niall can't seem to take his eyes off of her. His staring makes her self-conscious and he doesn't want her to ever feel that way around him. "You're beautiful," he tells her.
She blushes and before he can tell her how much he likes seeing her blush, she closes the gap between them and kisses him. The sound he makes tells her that he doesn't mind it at all and he curves one hand around her back, his fingers following the line of her backbone until it reaches the clasp of her bra and his deft fingers unhook it easily. Astrid takes his other hand and steers it to her breast.
Niall breaks the kiss and sucks in a deep breath when he closes his hand over her breast. "Fuck," he breathes out. He tries to take a deep breath but no matter what he does he still feels like he's running out of breath. Like he's been running in a marathon. Pressing his forehead against hers, he watches as she guides his hand, encouraging him and it doesn't take him long to catch on. He watches, impressed, when her nipple tightens, hardening under his touch.
Niall brushes his mouth against hers. "You're perfect," he tells her.
"That's not true. I'm nowhere near perfect."
"Shh. That's my girlfriend you're talking about. Be nice." He chides her and that makes her laugh. Astrid takes his face in her hands and kisses him -- thoroughly, in a way that makes everything around them melt away. "I want to make you feel good." He whispers against the sensitive skin below her ear. "So good."
"You already do."
Niall shakes his head. "Not enough," he replies. "I still haven't given you a tour of my place, have I?"
"No, you haven't."
Niall grins. "I know where to start."
When Astrid moves off of him, Niall almost regrets his decision to take this to his bedroom. But he remedies it by pressing her against the wall outside his living room and then near his stairs, kissing her, making her moan when his fingers touch her where she wants him. Before things can get any further, though, Niall carries her up the stairs, her legs wrapped around his waist, her arms around his neck.
"Impressive," she whispers against his skin when they reach the top of the stairs. "Perks of dating a footballer, I guess."
"Fuck yeah," Niall grins. He doesn't bother hiding his pride.
Niall feels like it takes them ages to finally reach his room. It's dark but he knows his room so well that he's able to navigate them around the room without bumping into anything until Astrid's back touches his soft mattress. She pulls him with her, his weight settling on top of her.
"Mmm, this feels good."
"We're not at the good part yet," he tells her, chuckling when she lets out a hum of agreement.
"Hmm, why aren't we there yet?"
Niall unwraps her arms from around his neck even though he doesn't want to and skims his hands down her sides before tugging her jeans down. She kicks it away and Niall repeats the action with her underwear, though he does it excruciatingly slow, torturing not only Astrid but himself too. When her underwear is on the floor along with her jeans, he leaves a lingering kiss on her calf and her inner thigh before he slings her leg over his shoulder.
Niall can feel his hardness straining against his shorts but he ignores it as he makes contact with her centre. Astrid collapses flat on the bed when he lets his fingers do the second stroke. Niall explores in slow, maddening licks, appreciating the way she fists his sheets and the way her breathing gets heavier and heavier. He watches her, eyes never leaving so he knows when she's close. She convulses against his tongue and fingers, and he holds his hips down with one hand as he continues to draw the orgasm out of her.
When her body has calmed down, Niall crawls up, hovering above her, his elbows on either side of her. She has her eyes closed, sweat coating her neck and her forehead, and the sight drives him wild.
"Wow," is the only thing she manages to say and he lets out a chuckle, the bed vibrating from the sound. When he's done laughing, he presses a kiss on the side of her mouth and rolls over to lie down next to her. She cracks one eye open and looks at him. "You're still wearing your shorts."
"Yeah."
"You should take it off," she commands.
Niall shakes his head. "S'fine. Tonight's all about you."
"How generous," she rolls her eyes. Niall laughs but the sound is replaced with a strangled sound that surprises him (he didn't think he's ever made that sound before) when she snakes a hand between their bodies, pulls his shorts down before she curls her fingers around him. He hisses at the contact, completely at Astrid's mercy when she gives him a long, slow stroke. Within seconds she finds a rhythm that drives Niall crazy. He wants to stop her, but it feels so good that he's selfish enough to let himself enjoy it.
"Astrid." He grunts when he feels like seconds away from combusting.
"Nightstand?" She asks.
Niall nods but then he stills. "I... I'm not sure I have one. It's been a while," he admits.
She fumbles in his nightstand and much to his surprise produces a condom. "Guess we're lucky," she grins.
Astrid helps him with the condom and he makes that strangled sound again when her fingers are wrapped around him.
Unable to control himself any longer, Niall reaches for Astrid and rolls her under him. His tip lines up with her opening and he drops his forehead onto Astrid's and whispers, "Please."
She nods and he pushes into her, little by little. A strangled sound escapes the both of them and that drives Niall to pull out and push into her again, and again, and again until he's buried inside her, their hips flushed against each other.
Niall is afraid to move suddenly when they're connected like this so he seeks for her mouth and kisses her. And as their lips move, he starts moving again. Slowly, deliciously. His elbows almost give out when his name comes out in a moan. He's never been this close to anyone, he thinks, physically and emotionally. Which makes this more meaningful to him.
"Faster," she says.
Niall's breathing deepens as his thrusts become more insistent. He can feel urgency rising within him and he thinks Astrid can feel it too because she's pushing into him too, creating a rhythm that makes him feel as though God made her just for him and he for her.
Niall stills his movement when Astrid comes undone, clinging to him and crying out as waves crash through her. It isn't long before he starts seeing stars behind his eyelids too, his body shuddering above Astrid as he sucks in a breath.
"Astrid. I--"
"Shh," she leans up and kisses the corner of his mouth. "I've got you. I always do."