Chapter 60 - The Kind Of Girl That Inspires Poetry
"Okay, how do I look?" I presented myself to Tara. She was lying on my bed staring at her phone, but she took a second to look at me.
"Good."
"That's all I get? C'mon Tara, you're supposed to be giving me advice! Would my hair look better pulled back?"
The mirror was actually being friendly to me at the moment. I was feeling rather cute with my long, honey blonde hair all wavy. Gathering it together to simulate a ponytail, I looked at how the royal blue, laced-back dress looked with the change. Dropping my arms back down I squeezed my shoulders forward.
"This dress would look better if I had at least a little cleavage. Does the color go with my nose ring, or should I put in the silver one?"
"Why are you so worried about how you look tonight?" She put down her phone and rolled onto her side, propping herself up on an elbow. "You know Kala thinks you look absolutely gorgeous no matter what you wear."
"Well, I know that's what she says. Anyway, this is my favorite Shakespeare play ever performed as an opera, Kala's taking me out to a fancy restaurant beforehand...It's like my first 'adult' date with her. It's going to be so romantic! It'll be a challenge, but it might even top our especially romantic moment after game night a few weeks ago."
Tara's eyebrows raised. "Especially romantic moment? Game night? Why is this the first I'm hearing about this?"
"It was amazing, Tara! Kala stopped me on our walk home from that game night that Roy and Grizz always want us to go to. She recited an incredibly romantic quote in Hawaiian for me, then kissed me under a streetlight. It was the kind of kiss a girl dreams about. I still get a little dizzy when I think about it." Tara's phone came up and took a picture of me. "What are you doing?"
"Preserving this moment for posterity's sake. You look like a Disney princess swooning over her true love." She showed me the picture. My hands were clasped in front of my heart and I was staring off into nowhere with a goofy smile on my face. I took the phone from her and zoomed in on part of the pic.
"For chunk's sake, why are my boobs so freaking small?"
She took her phone back. "Analee, you're being very insecure tonight. Just think, Kala Fergusson has been touching herself while thinking about you for over a year. If that doesn't boost your ego, nothing will."
I considered that. "You guys have talked about...that?"
"And so much more, sweetheart." Then, reacting to the look on my face, "Relax. She only has wonderful things to say about you."
I knew I was blushing. I could feel the heat in my face and neck. I sat down to put on some eyeliner. "Still! It's weird to think about you two talking about me...and her...you know..."
With her best look of faux innocence she said, "Talk about you...what?"
"Having sex!"
"Well, you know, once you've had sex with someone, talking about sex with them is no big deal."
I pulled the eyeliner pencil away from my eye and glared at her, jabbing the pointy weapon in her direction for emphasis. "I know you think it's funny to keep reminding me of that, but it isn't."
"Relax. I'm just teasing you." She held her palms up towards me. "We got drunk and she fingered me. It isn't like we really had sex."
"How is that not sex?"
"That's just foreplay to a straight girl. Third base...if that."
"Kala's bi. Why do you get to use a heterocentric definition of sex?" I scoffed. "Straight privilege."
"Anyway," Tara said in an exaggerated way to let me know she was ready for a change of subject. Her face turned more serious. "So...have you heard from Kelly?"
I started to apply a light coat of lipstick. "No. It's been almost two months. I really wish she would write back. I feel like...even though I have no reservations about my relationship with Kala, I'm still waiting for that final bookend to my old relationship. I want to feel absolutely free of my past and totally dedicated to my future. Does that make sense?"
"Yes. Sadly, it does. You're the type of person that needs closure."
"Good. I was hoping I wasn't crazy."
"Well, let's not rule that out." I threw a pencil that was sitting on my desk at her, missing by almost a foot. Tara watched it hit my bed at her side, completely unconcerned.
She opened her mouth, but whatever she was about to say was cut off by a knock on the door.
"Oh! Kala's here! Am I wearing too much makeup? Do I look okay?" Grabbing the bouquet of purple flowers I bought earlier, I practically stood at attention for Tara's inspection.
She got off the bed and took another picture of me. "You look more beautiful than I will ever be able to convince you of, as always."
"I'm being serious!"
"Me too, Love." She kissed my cheek and opened the door for Kala. She swept her arm with a flourish and said, "I present the Lady Analee."
Kala was in a stunning black dress and looked far more elegant than I ever could.
"Hey," I greeted her. Even though we'd been official for seven weeks now, my trademark awkwardness kicked in as I tried to figure out how to present the flowers to her. "I thought, um, I wanted to get you something for the...special occasion." Cringing inwardly, I scolded myself. "Why don't you plan out what you're going to say ahead of time?" Kala took the bouquet with a big smile. The purple flowers looked great with her black dress and midnight hair as a backdrop.
"Thank you, Analee. They're beautiful!"
Tara had gathered her phone, purse, and jacket, and walked over to where we were standing near the door. She paused on her way out and pointed at the different kinds of flowers in the bouquet.
"Lavender symbolizes devotion, Calla Lilies are to be given to someone you are charmed by and feel very passionate about, and purple roses symbolize mature romance and are meant for royalty...Princess." She winked at Kala. "I've known Ani since she was in middle school. I knew they had to have symbolic meanings, so I looked them up." She swatted my butt. "Have fun you two."
Kala took a closer look at the flowers and smiled happily. "I should have thought about your poetic side when I got you flowers. I hope pink roses have a good meaning."
"Traditionally, they're used to show appreciation, but can also mean a sweet, romantic love. I hope I guessed the right meaning."
"I was hoping they said something like, 'Thanks for a night of mind-blowing sex,' but sweet, romantic love is good, too." She smiled and held out her hand. "Ready for A Midsummer Night's Dream?"
* * *
"And as imagination bodies forth the forms of things unknown, the poet's pen turns them to shapes, and gives to airy nothing a local habitation and a name."
Kala laughed at the way I gestured dramatically as I quoted Shakespeare. We went back to her apartment after the operatic adaptation, deciding that a glass of wine would be the perfect continuation of the night, but I wasn't old enough to drink at a bar. I was really wishing it was the weekend instead of a Tuesday night. I wanted to stay up late and savor the wine and Shakespeare on my tongue.
"You're on some sort of poetry high, I think. Do you always get like this after seeing Shakespeare?"
I took a sip of the dark red liquid in my glass, then bent at the knees and held my arms out like I had seen ballerinas do. "Pretty much. I especially like A Midsummer Night's Dream, though. It's like he wrote it for no other reason than to splash beautiful language on his audience until they were drenched in dream imagery. You leave a performance just dripping with delicious words." I leaned back, flinging the fingertips of my free hand downward as if brushing water off of my dress. "That particular quote always felt like a mission statement for authors to me."
"What do you mean?" Kala was reclining on her couch, feet up on her coffee table next to the bouquet I had gotten her, ankles crossed. She had been enjoying both her wine and the show I was putting on as I swayed around, reciting bits and pieces from the play.
"I think he's saying that writers and artists try to give their thoughts a way to join the real world so we can make them part of our shared experiences. If we can enjoy each other's dreams, feel each other's drive for adventure, and be scared of our nightmares together, then we can understand each other better. I don't know, maybe I'm being grandiose."
I felt kind of foolish getting all sentimental in front of Kala, but she smiled at me and listened with a content expression. I sat my wine glass next to hers, noticing how they sparkled in the Christmas lights. Soft music played, too. Kala was setting an intimate mood.
"Hey," Kala stood up from the couch, then bent down to smell her bouquet, "thanks again for these. I haven't gotten flowers since I was in high school."
I held my hand out over the coffee table between us. When she took it, I used her strength to help balance me as I stepped up onto the shin-high surface. I swayed my way to the edge, my chest now level with Kala's eyes.
"Really? College guys and doctors don't buy flowers for their girls?"
"Well," she looked a little sheepish, "I guess none of the relationships I've had in college were the flower buying kind. Until now, that is."
I smiled coyly, continuing to sway slightly, slow dancing to the music.
"Did you know you were the first girl to buy me flowers?" I asked.
"Really? Kelly never..." Kala didn't finish her question. "Sorry."
"Don't be. You don't have to avoid any topics for me, Kala." I held her head in my hands, still swaying, and wondered if I had just lied to her. I was pretty sure I was telling the truth.
"You are such a work of art." She said, staring into my eyes.
I considered her for a moment. "How did a skinny, flat-chested, inexperienced high school girl catch the eye of a goddess?" I moved my hands to her cheeks.
"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, Analee. You are the most beautiful girl, inside and out, that I've ever met."
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind." I leaned over and placed a gentle, teasing kiss on her lips.
"That's it, no more Shakespeare quotes until I learn the language."
"English?" I laughed. I leaned over to pick up my wine glass. Kala's hand landed softly on my hip and slid down lower as I stood. A now familiar warmth started spreading throughout my body.
Just as I took a sip of wine Kala said, "You know, as long as you're up there dancing..."
I nearly spit my wine out. We had talked before about little fantasies we had involving each other, and I knew immediately which one of her fantasies she was referring to. She smiled at me with a challenge in her eyes, then gently took my wine glass out of my hand and sat down on the couch, crossing her beautiful legs.
"Now? I mean, like...you want me to do that right now?"
Kala nodded her head slowly and bit her bottom lip. It might have been the wine, but her cheeks looked flushed. I could feel mine getting hot, too. I saw Kala's chest rising and falling a little quicker, a little deeper, than normal. She was getting excited, and holy crunch was I suggestible when I saw her like that. I gave her what I hoped was a sexy smile, summoned my courage, and started swaying my hips to the music.
* * *
That weekend, Kala and I didn't have a lot of time together. She had traded some shifts at the hospital so that she would have Thanksgiving free. Plus, she was working like crazy to finish some projects for her classes so that she could sneak away with me for a couple days and not be behind. Kala would be coming to my house to celebrate the holiday since her uncle and Trevor were going to be out of town. I was looking forward to introducing Kala to my parents as my girlfriend, instead of just my friend. Tara was busy, too, since she had more classes than most people and was experiencing a pre-break crush of assignments.
With both of them busy, I had plenty of time to catch up on all of my school work and to practice with Max and Theodore. It also gave me time to obsess over why Kelly hadn't written me back yet. Two months was longer than she had ever gone without responding. She'd barely gone two weeks before. I decided I couldn't torture myself over it. Kelly had to choose for herself how to react to me moving on, right? I couldn't control that. Still, the thought of her being mad at me, or hurt by me, created a constant static in the back of my mind.
That's why I was glad I had the memory of last Tuesday to distract me as I lay in bed on Saturday night. It had been the perfect date with the perfect ending. I finally understood why "standing naked on a stage" was used as an analogy for being completely exposed emotionally. I had done my best to play out Kala's fantasy, and I have to admit that being naked on her coffee table, then sitting on her lap, while she was fully clothed was...quite an experience. I felt sexy and vulnerable at the same time.
I had myself well and truly distracted with thoughts about that night as I lay in bed. I was just starting to wonder if any local dance schools had those special striptease classes in town when my phone buzzed. I didn't recognize the number, so I ignored it.
When it stopped, I went back to wondering how much a dance class like that would cost, but then my phone pulsed twice. Someone had either left a voicemail or sent a text.
I reached for it and saw I had a text. The preview bubble just showed, "Ani, it's Kelly. On a..."
I sat up straight, opened the app, and read the full text.
(###) ###-####: Ani, it's Kelly. On a friend's phone. Can we talk?
Before I could begin thinking of how to reply, my phone started vibrating and the screen flashed with a request for a video chat. My heart rate went a little crazy and I could feel my pulse in every part of my body. I hit the 'accept' icon without thinking about it too much, lest I chicken out.
Kelly's face came into view. Her amber eyes were wide and a little bloodshot. Her cheeks were flushed behind her masses of freckles. I immediately missed her nose ring. She had written to me before that her mom made her take it out. I had cried over that when I first read it, and now I felt a storm of anger and grief. Kelly's mouth was open and she looked confused. She sniffed and brushed some hair away from her forehead. When her fingers passed by, I noticed her fingernails were longer and painted. Weird that I would feel a pang of sadness about that, but I used to daydream about putting a ring on one of those fingers, and now they looked so different. I noticed her nose was red. She was breathing through her mouth like people do during a good cry.
"Ani?" I realized she couldn't see me. I reached over to flick on my little bedside lamp.
"Kelly! Hey! Are you okay? Have you been crying? Are you fighting with your mom and step-dad again?"
"No, no," she said quickly. "Nothing like that. I was just...getting a little emotional thinking about calling you. My friend finally encouraged me to just do it and get it over with."
"Oh."
"No! That came out wrong! I mean...you know, do it before I lost my nerve."
"Oh, okay. Well, I'm glad you did. I've been worried about you. Are you...how are you?"
"I'm alright." Her head bobbed up and down, but her mouth was in a tight frown. She sniffled. Her hand came up and wiped at her eyes. I noticed she was wearing a set of flannel pajamas I had seen her in many times before at my house. "So, yeah, I just...I wanted to write back, but I didn't know what to say, you know?"
I didn't know how to respond to her, and I was afraid my voice would betray me if I spoke at the moment. I could feel my eyes getting a little moist, too. This wasn't how I pictured seeing her again for the first time. I just nodded my head and tried not to sniffle.
"I guess I just...I want you to know I'm not mad at you. I could tell in your letter you were really worried about that, but I'm not mad. Not at all." She was close to tears, but not there yet.
"Thank you." It was all I could manage.
"Kala's great. She's amazing, you know? And, I know she's going to be an awesome girlfriend for you. And, I want that, you know? I want you to be happy." Tears were rolling down her cheeks now, and she didn't try to hide them. I felt warmth streaking down my face, too.
"I know. I want you to be happy, too, Kelly." We both sniffled and cried quietly for a moment, trying our best to smile at each other. "Are you? Happy, I mean?"
She wiped her hand across her face again. Her eyes focussed off screen as she considered her answer. Her head nodded as she thought. I took the chance to notice some things about the room she was in. It was very pink and had childish knick-knacks on the headboard behind her. It looked like a very young girl's room. It didn't seem like Kelly's style. I figured she must be at her friend's house.
"Yeah, I'm happy, I guess. For the most part. I mean, it's weird being back in the closet, and my step-dad tries to find any reason he can to ground me, but my mom and I are getting along okay."
I cringed inwardly, but I knew she had made this decision months ago. I couldn't tell her how to live her life.
"That's good," I managed. "That's good." It was almost painful trying to think of something to say to keep the conversation moving, especially considering how easily we used to talk. "I really miss you, Kelly." It just sort of came out. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't something I planned on saying to her.
"I miss you, too, Ani." Her mouth contorted at the end. A short sob escaped, but she stifled it. Her arm came up and she took a long time wiping her eyes. I assumed she wanted to hide her face for a minute. I held it together, but barely. When her arm came down she was a little more composed.
"So, you're out to at least one of your friends, then? The one whose phone you're on?"
"Yeah." She sniffed once, attempted a smile, and continued. "Her name's Alisha. She's kind of in the same boat I am, except her parents don't even suspect. Her parents are from India, and I guess from a part that's still really homophobic."
"Well, I'm glad you have someone to talk to. I've been really worried that you were all alone."
"Yeah, she's really nice. I feel bad for her that she never told anyone until she met me. I had a whole bunch of people that accepted me. At least, for a while."
"Well, if she's helping you, then I like her already. Tell her thank you for me."
"Actually..." Kelly gave a big sniff and ran a hand through that curly, auburn hair I could still remember the feel of so well. "She kind of asked me, if it wouldn't be too weird, if I would let her talk to you when we were done. I mean, if it's okay with you." She played absently with one of the large buttons on her pajama top.
"Me? Why does she want to talk to me?"
"Well..." She kind of laughed and hid her face in her free hand before turning back to the phone. "You know how thousands of people have seen the video of you reading Cuddles?"
"Yeah."
"Well, she's probably responsible for a couple hundred of those views."
"Seriously?"
"She came across it when she was coming out to herself. She said it really helped her. She's like...your biggest fan, I swear." Kelly laughed between sniffles in a way that told me there had been teasing about it.
"That's...unexpected."
"Right?! I tutored her in math for like a month before I saw her watching it, and she kind of freaked out that I recognized it. We talked and...yeah. She says you helped her a lot when she was figuring things out. When she found out I dated you, she like, totally freaked out."
I noticed that Kelly wasn't wiping her eyes any more. She seemed...more relaxed...talking about her friend. After a slight pause, she continued.
"So, she's never going to forgive me if she can't fangirl over you for a minute. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, um...sure. What was her name? Alisha?"
"Yeah." She didn't stand right away to go get her friend. Instead, her serious, sad look returned. "Ani? I...I still love you. I mean, I know it's over, but...I still love you." Tears came back to her eyes. I could feel them in mine, too.
"I still love you, too, Kelly." Instead of making it worse, that seemed to make it better. She smiled despite the drops rolling down her cheeks.
"Hang on. I'll go get her."
She sat the phone down, and suddenly I was staring at a dormant ceiling fan with little white blades. Pink hearts were painted on the tips. The view wiggled as Kelly stood up from the bed. I could hear her standing there for a minute, and I imagined her wiping her eyes and trying to calm down before getting her friend. After a moment, I heard a door open, and a few seconds later Kelly's voice was back in the room, talking quietly with another girl. The voice was higher pitched than Kelly's, and softer. I got the feeling Kelly was quickly filling her friend in on our conversation.
I shifted on my bed, suddenly aware that my hair was probably a mess, and I was just wearing an old t-shirt and panties. They couldn't see my bottom half, of course, but I still gathered the blankets around me a little tighter.
The view tilted again and I saw Kelly with Alisha. They were sitting down, but Alisha was obviously shorter than Kelly. She had a comically round face, jet black hair, and a darker complexion. Her pink t-shirt had a unicorn on it. Kelly hadn't told me what grade Alisha was in, but I pegged her as a freshman.
"Ani, this is Alisha."
"Hey!" Alisha squeaked as she brought a hand up to wave at me.
"Hi, Alisha. Listen, thanks for letting Kelly call me. It means a lot to me."
"Of course! She can use my phone anytime to call you." She stared into the camera with a huge smile. I tried to think of something else to say.
"I'm really glad Kelly has a friend to talk to. You have no idea how much better I feel knowing that you're there for her."
Alisha giggled and hunched her shoulders. "Kelly's been awesome. It's nice to finally have a friend I feel comfortable coming out to. I can't imagine coming out to everybody all at once like you did. That was so brave."
Alisha tugged at the bottom of her t-shirt like it was a nervous habit. Kelly was right. I had a fan. I didn't want her to think I had a monopoly on courage, though.
"No matter how you come out, or when, it means facing your fear, right? It's different for everyone. Look at everything Kelly had to face when she came out in Preston."
Alisha turned her head away from the phone to smile at Kelly with a look of admiration. "I'm not the only person Alisha is a fan of," I thought. It was weird thinking that a girl so young might have a crush on my ex. Then again, the age difference between Kelly and me was probably about the same as the difference between Kelly and Alisha. I started to understand why Kala and Tara always talked about Kelly like she was a child.
Kelly spoke. "So...I hope you don't mind, but I showed Alisha our drive so she could see pictures of you when you were older."
"No, I don't-"
"Oh my god! The videos of you singing and playing guitar?! You're totally gonna be famous someday!"
"I doubt that. I-"
"And the pictures of you and Kelly at dances? Oh my god, they're so beautiful! I hope I get to take a beautiful girl to a dance someday."
I waited a beat to see if she would let me talk now.
"I'm sure you'll find a way to-"
"And the poems you wrote for Kelly!" Kelly turned her head away from Alisha and covered her mouth to hide a laugh. "If a girl wrote a poem for me I would just die!"
"Well, Kelly is the kind of girl that inspires poetry."
Kelly looked back at the phone and gave me a soft, teary smile. Alisha looked at her friend with wide-eyed happiness.
I saw both girls suddenly look to the side, then Kelly got off the bed and left the camera view. She returned a second later and said, "Alisha's parents are back. We should go."
"Okay."
"I love you, Ani."
"I love you, too, Kelly."
"Bye, Analee. I'm really glad I got to meet you," Alisha chimed in.
"Me too. Take care of each other, okay?"
"Okay," they both said. With one last smile from Kelly, and one last look into eyes the color of which I have never seen anywhere else, the phone disconnected.
* * *
I must have sat in the glow of my little lamp for a good fifteen minutes. My mind was still, but it was the kind of stillness that precedes the monster jumping out in a horror movie. I started to carefully probe around my emotions as if I was trying to test the ice on a lake to see if it was safe to walk on. I was afraid to check in with my angel and devil. I had the horrible feeling that they were having angry sex somewhere in the back of my brain.
Was I relieved that Kelly had companionship? I think so. Yes. Yes, definitely. That made me happy.
Was I jealous that Kelly was sharing a bed tonight with a gay girl that obviously had a crush on her? Maybe. Probably. Okay, yes, a little, but not bad. It was just a little tickle of jealousy.
Was I still mad at Kelly for dumping me to make amends with her mother? Maybe. I wasn't sure. I didn't think so.
Was I going to call Kala immediately and talk through all of my emotions with her. No. No, I wasn't.
Time slipped by as I tried to find sleep. At some point, late in the night, I broke the silence in my room by whispering, "And sleep that sometime shuts up sorrow's eye, steal me away from mine own company."
Sleep did eventually find me, but it didn't do as I had asked.