Three weeks later
(Trigger Warning ⚠️)
Hunter
It felt like the world was crashing on me and there was nothing I could do about it. It felt like everything was closing in on me and I was stuck in this state of utter despair waiting and watching my life from the outside like I was a filler in the background of someone else's life.
I couldn't bring myself to do anything, everything seemed like a chore even my plain existence felt like one. The nightmares wouldn't stop but yet I couldn't sleep, it felt like I was stuck in a state of a very bad daydream as life was just passing me by.
Mornings brought sadness, afternoons brought sorrow and I just wished the night would take me away and everyone would forget about me. I haven't felt like this in a long time, very long time.
I was crashing and I could feel it, I was drained both physically and in my head. Everything seemed bland, black and white, nothing interested me and I just feel like crawling in a hole and forgotten forever.
The past two days have been hell, I lacked the energy to even stand up from my bed, the sunlight is blinding, my thoughts are crashing together. Sleep would come and then the nightmares would follow and I would wake up crying like a kid who lost their favorite toy. It sucks and I just couldn't perk up, not even finding the will in me to.
I'd just woken up from one of the nightmares and the tears wouldn't stop but I can't even clean them up because I'm tired.
Everything about that day so vivid and it plays in my mind like a movie but a really tragic one albeit a happy start.
"That looks like a fish surrounded by water, mom."
"It's not a fish silly, that's your baby brother on a sonogram." Joy radiates on her face, adding to that pregnancy glow and she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
At 14 years of age and as an only child, it had felt so weird when my mom came home one day and informed me that she was carrying a child, my brother. The closest person to a brother that I had was Levi so it felt both exciting and daunting. But I knew in my head that the little man was going to have all his firsts through my guidance.
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I stood in the kitchen making my sandwich one afternoon, my mom was by the porch for some fresh air she called it. Some spilled water on the floor and I was going to clean it right after I took my lunch upstairs. It happened too fast, like a movie I didn't want to feature in. All I remember is seeing my heavily pregnant mother writhing in pain, on the floor where she'd slipped. She kept making small sounds as I scrambled to call dad from the backyard who in turn called 9-1-1. Mom died of complications the next morning, same as my brother.
I manage to throw the comforter over my head, laying still under the darkness like everything will dissipate once light was introduced. I didn't. I'm usually good so why wasn't I perking up? I felt so lifeless yet alive, a weird contrast.
I must have fallen asleep in the darkness because I wake up later in a pool of my own sweat, to see mamba standing next to my bed.
"Is this one of those times when you tell me to leave you alone but I ignore you?" He asks quietly. I nod numbly hoping he takes the hint to leave me alone, I'm not worth the strength. But does he ever?
I only hear him shuffling around before I hear the door to my closet open up. He grabs my hand weapon and knives in his hand before closing the door back. "I'm not suic.." My voice chokes due to the lack of use for the past few days or maybe it's because I can't bear to say that word without choking. Or feeling inadequate. Or feeling less than human, trashy, judged. "I'm not that." I simply whisper.
"I know Hunter." He doesn't say more as he leaves the room but comes back shortly after. "Will you try to take a shower? I'll make you something to eat so you can take the white dude." I'm not a fucking kid who didn't know what to do or when to do it, I just didn't have the strength to. I throw my blanket back onto my face, once again laying still. "Or we can just lay here too." 'Go away' I want to scream but I don't have the will to.
The bed dips and there's some movement till everything is quiet again.
I wake later again to Levi's fingers tangled in my hair, fast asleep next to me. It's like he fell asleep while massaging my scalp and usually I'm a light sleeper but I didn't even feel it. It feels like I haven't seen sleep in days but on the contrary minutes, hours and days have all marred together, like a web I couldn't escape from.
I unwrap myself from the blankets to make my way to the bathroom to relieve myself.
"Leave the door open." Levi's groggy voice commands. Shit I forgot he was a light sleeper too. I leave the door open as I pee and wash my hands before going back to bed. Levi is laid on the blanket, one eye open as he watches me settle back under the mountain of blankets on my bed. "I made some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while you were asleep, you know my cooking skills are limited. Will you manage that so you can take your pill?" I nod in response and he jumps up immediately and exits the room.
He comes back less than a minute later with a plate of like three sandwiches, I probably won't stomach more than one but I gratefully collect the plate from him. "Thanks."
"Welcome" He slumps back on the bed and watches me eat as much as I can before handing me the white pill which he calls the white dude. He's so weird sometimes. I throw the pill in my mouth and chew it dry before downing my cup of milk and going back to sleep.
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I push the blanket off me, feeling irritated for some reason with an urgent need to puke my guts out. It seems to be a brand new day but I'm still feeling shitty. I rush to the toilet to take care of the bile and decided to take a bath while at it.
I come out after my bath to see mamba back on my bed, different clothes from yesterday. "Hey, I was out taking a smoke. How are you feeling?" I shrug nonchalantly before dropping on my bed and covering myself back up. "Come on let's watch a movie." He removes the blanket from my face, a wide grin on his lips. I slap his hands away and cover myself back. But he doesn't let up, the stubborn prick. "Pacino and De Niro, Bruce, or Jackie." He gives the same options every time and then ends up picking, mostly because I never answer. "Pacino and De Niro it is."
I hear the movie begin to play and I don't need to watch to know it's his favorite. We've watched 'Heat' so many times that I could quote the famous lines from the movie.
"Oh uhm Luke called earlier, I told him you have the flu so he's sending one of the prospect with some medicine and a bottle of Jack Daniels'." Levi chuckles. I want to see the joke in the situation I really do, I mean who sends a bottle of whiskey to a sick person? Of course it's Luke. Thing is I'm sick in the head and no amount of gin, tonic, whiskey, or beer would take that guilt away, the self loathing, the thoughts. I've taken on this bad boy, strong man, V.P. persona that I can't even separate myself from it anymore, and so I hide the real me. It's easier to.
"You don't have to babysit me." I mumble groggily, my voice scratchy and unfamiliar to me.
"I know."
When I wake up later, it's to mamba shuffling around the room quickly. "Hunter hey. So my stupid cousin Amber is missing again and aunt Maggie needs help. I'll be back soon, alright?" He shrugs on his leather cut before walking over to plaster a kiss on my forehead. I scrunch up my nose, I'm not a fucking damsel in distress who needs a kiss to wake her up or some shit like that. He only sticks out his tongue at me. "JJ is in the living room, he delivered the message from Luke. Turns out he can cook so I begged him to make some dinner, see ya soon." With that he runs out like his pants are on fire.
I don't want someone else to see me like this, not especially the prospect. Definitely not him.
I burrow myself back into my blankets. What would my brother have looked like? Jet black hair like mine? Or brown curly hair like mom. I can't handle the thoughts, I feel the tiredness taking over again.
"Bruiser? Hey bruiser wake up, I made you some soup." A strong masculine voice pulls me out of my uneventful slumber. "I hope you like carrot soup." The sound of the dish hitting the table awakens me more.
"Leave it and go away." I mumble. I didn't want him to see me like this.
"You know a thank you will be nice." He hisses before walking out and slamming the door loudly on his way. The screeches of the door starts a round of headache, but I'm barely past it when he bursts back in "You know you're such a jerk. First you get me wet then you flirt with me, you insult me then we make out..... twice. You're annoying and I'm leaving." Slam!
I was actually feeling hungry and so I reach for the soup. The taste doesn't really register on my tongue but I eat it anyways. Halfway through the food, the door opens up again.
"I usually don't let my feelings take over like that, I apologize." I don't know what to make of JJ to be honest. A second ago he was pissed at me and now he was rubbing his arms and looking everywhere but me while calmly apologizing. He's so cute. To be honest the various facets of him just intrigued me more.
"Issokay." I mumble after swallowing my bite of soup.
"Are you okay? Like I know you have the flu but like are you okay okay?"
I want to reply that I am but something else passes though my lips "Tell me about your kid."
Ever since the day he'd said it, we just never spoke about it again. I'm not even sure where that came from till I'd said it and now he was looking at me like I asked him about the secret of the world. His narrowed eyes focus on me intensely. I've noticed JJ had a very intense gaze, his jade eyes can always show what he's feeling or thinking every time by the way they crinkle or sparkle.
"Uhm his name is Delane, he'll turn four years old in a couple of weeks. He's the sweetest boy and he loves these little banana bites, calls them bitey." A smile engulfs his handsome face "He's like yea tall" he gestures at the height "and hates wearing pants." He finishes.
"He sounds awesome."
"He is." JJ agrees softly. "Do you plan on having kids?"
They don't need a screw up like me. "Thanks for the food." I drop the half empty bowl on the dresser and cover myself back up.
It's quiet for long moments but I can still feel JJ's presence in the room, up until his voice quietly calls out. "I could stay till mamba gets back, i-if that's o-kay with you." My eyes close slowly on their own accord, that wouldn't be so bad would it?
I find myself saying "I don't." Nothing at all is said between us. It's a comfortable silence until I feel the presence directly behind me on the bed. The heat serenades my body as rough hands tentatively enter my hair and begin to massage my scalp. It's a calm feeling, tranquil, unrushed and I find myself turning around to feel more of it.
What is this feeling?
JJ's arms enclose around me, my face buried in his neck as he tightens his hold. I'm not sure what this is, but it felt weirdly refreshing. I cuddle more into his body heat.