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Title: Hello Darkness
Author: shauna_philp
Favorite Chapter: Chapter Four is so tense and I was so hoping for some big action but I'm glad it didn't happen. I really just want Charley to have her 'I told you so' moment but maybe not if it endangers Alma and Breccan.
Favorite Character: It probably has a lot to do with the story being told from her point of view but I am in love with Charley and her sarcastic inner monologues. I can honestly feel her panic, not my favorite emotion but that's why we're able to put the book down for a few seconds to breathe. In theory. I couldn't put it down through the first read through.
Grammar & Spelling: Excellent! I had to read through every chapter three times to find just a few spelling slip-ups. Seriously, by the third read, I was picking everything apart. It's very clear you've taken a good deal of time checking things over and I did notice you had beta readers, it's really fantastic and I admire how careful you've been.
If I wasn't doing a review, I would have clicked the story just by looking at its cover: Yes, that's literally how I found it.
After reading the summary, I wanted to read the story: Yes. That end especially had me itching to dive right in and I'm glad the same heart-stopping breath stretching writing style goes through the chapters published so far.
The most likable character is: Breccan is clearly the knight in blue armor we all love. I'm torn between immediately shipping him with one of the girls and waiting for his heroic sacrifice.
The most unlikeable character is: Detective Thomas Silvano is an inappropriate adjective ....but I don't dislike him as much as Alma's mother hen mollycoddling. I really want to like her but she's so obnoxious. I understand she's also an angel for stepping into such a big role while Charley needs her but I'm not Charley and she's not my sister so I can be annoyed....even though I love her. Honestly, the characters are so dimensional I love them as much as I hate them.
The story conveys something that I strongly believe in or care about: I absolutely love when vampire genre books hold back on the vampires till they actually need to be around. Keeping them in the dark makes them so much more terrifying and that's what they should be. There's such a big mystery here that hasn't been touched on yet but the small mysteries leading up to it are just as intense. The character development is at just the right pace for a first-person narrative and it really feels like we've stepped into Charley's bloodstained shoes.
Reviewer: skyebme
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Author: Raleigh_Thomas
Title: A Pact for Eternity
Favorite Chapter: Chapter 2 absolutely. The details of Sierra's time in between death and life are astounding, especially the way you incorporate the memories flooding back to her. It makes the reader feel like they are standing in the character's shoes and experiencing every emotion and memory with them. The stone bridge scene really intrigued me as well, and I am excited to see how that plays in the story later on.
Favorite Character: Finn Lancaster. Though he is a vampire and suffers hardship, he is not cold nor demeaning, and does not think himself to be different than anyone else. He goes against many vampire stereotypes being a kind male lead and not loathing the vampire life but embracing it. It is actually quite amusing and hilarious that he is not treating it as something terrible but normal-but that almost concerns me because I am worried he might tip to the dark side at some point. Finn is also loyal to Sierra when it is hard and does not leave her to fend for herself so I have two thumbs up for the lad.
Grammar and Spelling: Pretty good. What can be worked on is the choice of wording, incomplete sentences, and interruptions with the sentence flow. I did not notice many spelling errors.
1) Wording:
Example in text: "You can die more than once in your life. If you can say that you have died before, then you also have been brought back."
Suggested version: "If you claim to have died before, then you have returned to life as well."
The two sentences say the same thing. In this case, less is more. You could even just stick with your first sentence and that will be equally as powerful.
2) Incomplete sentence:
Example in text: "It stayed in the air longer than usual. Just like the lightning had."
Suggested version: "It stayed in the air longer than usual, just like the lightning."
3) Sentence flow/structure:
Example in text: "Shoulder length hair dripped down my shoulders and almost black eyes stared back at me."
Suggested version: "Water dripped down my hair and onto my shoulders (or clothes, shirt, etc.). As I looked into the mirror, I noticed my eyes were almost black."
If I wasn't doing a review, I would have clicked on the story just by looking at its cover: No. The colors are not eye-catching and the picture of hands holding is seen with a lot of covers. If you were to go with a vampire element for the cover, it would need to be unique in order to stand out. There are many vampire stories out there. On the other hand, I understand if you want to keep the vampire thing a surprise because it was intriguing to unveil that aspect in the story. In that case, you don't have to show the audience everything but maybe throw in some of those intriguing elements you use to draw us in.
After reading the summary, I wanted to read the story: Probably not—but not for the reason you think. You don't need to share more information (you give just a little to make me curious and want to learn more)...it is the way the info is shared and delivered that can be built upon. The summary doesn't flow well when I read it. It needs more structure (the hook to draw them in, a little information, and finishing hook to make them read) I think you should start with the bus crash because that is something different I've never saw on Wattpad. It captivated my interest. Then, maybe you could go into Finn's rescue sneak peek, and in a separate section, describe his relationship with Sierra. I like how you don't share the way Finn brings Sierra back to life because it makes me want to investigate! As a whole, the information you share is good, it just needs to be moved around to make it a stronger summary.
The most likable character is: Finn Lancaster. He is kind when it is most difficult and very loyal. That, and he is mysterious with his vampire background. I want to figure out his feelings about being a vampire and his ethics of drinking blood. He seems to embrace what happens to him but I feel like there is more to him that meets the eye. Like, does he enjoy drinking blood, even though he knows it hurts people? Because he seems eager to have Sierra drink blood from living humans-which is SO interesting because he comes across as a very nice person. I will be excited to figure that out because that will deepen his character.
The most unlikeable character is: Sierra Seong—but just barely. Though the reasons for her actions are understandable, I can't help but hold it against her for being mean to sweet Finn when he was trying to save her. She is so relatable, though, so it is really hard to say that because I feel all of her emotions. The way that she responds to the world around her is natural-so of course she will be mad at Finn.
The story conveys something I strongly believe in or care about: I can't say that I started as a fan of vampire stories but the way you have designed yours made me one. It is because of the character dynamics that I think you have sucked me in. Having a girl's best friend as a guy turn her into a vampire is something I did not expect. If he were a stranger looking in on an attractive girl, then that would have been expected. But this is something different because they already have a solid relationship. I really, really, like Finn and want to uncover the depth of his character. If he had a personal flaw that contradicted his character, that would be perfect and make me go insane. I need to know more about him! I love his interactions with Sierra because he is just enough to be brotherly but also makes you question if he has feelings for her. I really hope he does because I am cheering on this ship. I am definitely going to keep up with this story. Great job!
Reviewer: RiverGardenGirl
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THE HUNT
Author: shannon511
Favorite chapter: 5 It was enjoyable to be introduced to the PSI department and how Kate, and other detectives outside the department, are unaware of its existence.
Favorite character: Murdock He's a mysterious character, right off the bat it's made clear his role is critical but we don't find out much about what kind of supernatural he is which makes the reader want to keep reading. He also seems to hold a great intelligence and is in control of Kate, Adam & Clint's assignments.
Grammar & Spelling (Needs Work, Good, Excellent): Needs Work
1) Be careful with spacing between punctuation before and after quotes ex. "I'm talking," (correct) vs. "I'm talking, " (incorrect) or " I'm talking," (incorrect)
2) Punctuation in quotes. "I'm talking," he said. (correct) "I'm talking." he said. (incorrect)
3) Capitalization within dialogue tags ex. "Okay," she said. (correct) "Okay," She said. (incorrect)
4) Use of to vs. too.
5) Chapter 15 "hungary" should be "hungry".
It is worthy to note that around Chapter 4, the grammar/spelling improves greatly. I highly recommend making sure your grammar/spelling is top-notch in those first three chapters as those are usually the sampling chapters readers read before investing in the whole story.
If I wasn't doing a review, I would have clicked the story just by looking at its cover: Maybe The cover has improved (I believe I reviewed your book before). You have that nice image of the female protagonist and the overall theme of the cover fits the genre. Just to keep your options open, I would try to reach out to the community and just ask if someone can make you a new one to try out but the current one is good I think. The more covers we try I think, the better. You can also search "graphic books" who offer this service for free. You're on the right track though with the updated cover!!!
After reading the summary, I wanted to read the story: Maybe The idea of the PSI unit is so creative! I really recommend talking about it, and briefly defining it, in your summary! It opens up a new realm that makes your story original! Also, you may want to say that Adam and Clint are vampires because that will be eye-catching to potential readers. This doesn't become very clear until a few chapters in and unless you're going for a bit of mystery there, I think you may be losing potential readers by leaving out that golden nugget in the summary.
The most likable character is: Kate I did sympathize with her back story and wanted her to find out more about what happened to her missing brother. I was rooting for her and think you built a great fighting spirit within her that many readers will appreciate. I also liked how independent she was.
The most unlikeable character is: Betty aka Wayne Sorry folks, I just think this dude had all the bad stereotypes about alphas stuffed inside him lol! Not to mention, he is a werewolf and I personally consider them my least favorite supernaturals because of that reputation they generally, not always, have in books...especially alphas. He's not exactly a good guy so maybe the author was making fun of him a little with his nickname. Seriously though, he is just eeek...(but I think he's supposed to be).
The story conveys something that I strongly believe in or care about: This story is a supernatural crime thriller. The main female character, Kate, is a strong independent woman. She does not turn into a damsel in distress as we see in many other vampire stories. Readers will find Adam and Clint, the leading male characters, entertaining and because of the great level of characterization in the story, it will be a very quick and satisfying read for fans of this genre.
Reviewer: lumtrexa
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