And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
- John 1:5
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
As she stared into the inky black darkness before her, Lindeth wondered what might become of the world. Yes, here in Imladris their own peace was guaranteed, but Imladris was a part of the world still, and should the world fall to evil, it would be selfish to worry only for oneself.
Every skilled, able-bodied ellon had marched on to the plains of Dagorlad with the intention to lay siege on the Tower of Barad-dur and claim victory over Sauron. Among those ellyn was her betrothed, and every day she went to the centre of the town to see if any news had come. What news did come was late, and could have been sent weeks before it reached her hands and ears. Yet she treasured every word from him, if only to see his writing and hear his voice as she perused every letter.
Though the world was uncertain, she was glad to have one thing certain: she loved him and he loved her. She had found her beloved and would go wherever he went that she could follow. A dreamer she never was, but what wishes she had were fulfilled in Voronwe, in the promise of a future with the ellon she loved.
Lindeth glanced down at her hand, and though she sat in the darkness of the trees, the silver of the ring on her third finger glistened. She smiled, for the memory was enough to numb the ache in her heart for but a moment. Only for a single moment, so accustomed to his presence she had become, that when he was gone, it was as a piece of her departed with him to war, for he completed her. The times they spent together she remembered clearly, how their friendship grew to be so much more!
The moment she began to realise the depth of her love brought to her bewilderment, and when Voronwe told her that he loved her, her joy overflowed. And then to be torn apart by war and evil in turn caused more pain than she imagined it would. Yet that is the price often paid for love, and one she both gladly and willingly paid. Few are so foolish as to cast away to the light and goodness of love for so called preservation of the heart.
Such fools lock their heart away until they no longer remember how they use it, for so long have they eluded pain that eventually they feel nothing at all. Their hearts have become hard and impenetrable. To truly love demands sacrifice, but it pales in comparison to the joy and fulfillment found in love.
That is why Lindeth worried not of the emptiness within her, for she knew that she could endure the discomfort of the time, and when the time should pass, love's joy would take the place of the ache that now resided in her heart.
'Twas not easy, for there were indeed moments when all she could think of was him and all she felt was the lonely emptiness of being parted from the one she held dearest. But the words of her mother had long echoed in her mind, and now did they return.
Love is sacrifice, and may yet be painful, but endure the pain, and it will prove itself to be worth it.
She had a hope that he would return to her and had faith in the guiding hands of the Maker. Love, faith, and hope: they would indeed sustain her, even if all came to ruin and ashes, and material things blown away by the storm of war. 'Tis the intangible things that one can forever cling to, despite how bleak things may seem to our eyes.
Waiting.
And more waiting.
Such waiting has become a recurring theme in my life, and I despise it. Everything, in the end, comes to waiting for something to come, something to happen. And though I have not yet allowed myself to be controlled by it, it is nearly torturous because of the sheer unsurety we face.
Not a single piece of news has met my ears since I came to know that both Minas Tirith and Mirkwood sustained assaults from the Enemy and were able to repel them, though Minas Tirith faced great losses. I imagine that Sauron will have already devised another strategy, another strike upon the peoples of Middle-earth, and it cannot be told whether or not we now can sustain it.
I only wish to know, to know the fate of this world, to know what shall become of us in the days to come, if we shall face destruction or if the evil shall be eradicated. There will always be evil as long as there is good, for though darkness always longs to stamp out the light, it cowers at it, for it does not understand it. But if Sauron is defeated, a great evil will have been wiped off the face of the earth.
It always has baffled me how Men come to be in the service of the Dark Lord. They believe they do good, and yet do they not see the darkness and malice in the intentions of their master? There is naught good in him, all he does is to gain power, for power is all he truly longs for. Perhaps they too are altogether evil, having driven out a desire to do good to give place to a want for power. The things power drive one to do are numerous in number, and all entirely undesirable.
I do not pretend to understand the ways and hearts of Men. Only One can.
'Tis a saddening thing, these men who have been ensnared by the Enemy and now serve him without second thought.
Each day is painful and full of torture. The world still lies on the brink of destruction, and our fate has not yet been sealed. And my heart's fate - that seems to have been sealed for a time now, though I have tried to elude it.
All those childish dreams of mine did indeed come true, but the manner in which they came about was unexpected and more trying than they were thought out to be. They came true, yes, as I had only dreamed that they would, and instead of the great joy I anticipated, I faced pain and loss. Seeing Legolas leave was akin to letting go of the hold I had on each of my fantasies and being forced to surrender my future into His hands. And while he knew I loved him, I am left here unsure, only adding to the horrible uncertainty and terrible anticipation these days bring.
I did not imagine that my wishes would be granted in a time of peril, much less that it would hurt from the very beginning, from the moment I had the realisation that I loved him. A selfish part of me would wish him here with me now, for his comfort and even only his friendship.
If my impulsive confession has brought about the end of our short friendship, then I will despise myself for becoming exactly as a silly, besotted elleth, pining after an ellon she will never have. I had grasped hope, real hope in the moment he kissed me, only to watch as he said nothing and showed nothing, watch as he left to embark on the quest that Nine began and now two work to finish.
He will not come back here now unless on some errand of his father's. Such an errand brought him here first, but I would lose any reason I have if I should believe he would return here if victory is won.
I still feel incredibly silly and useless at times. There truly is nothing I can do but wait. I can fill my hours with all sorts of productive things, yet I cannot provide any aid to the war that wages so far from the Hidden Valley. I stay here and wander the halls, hoping that nothing goes ill, praying for the success of the Company. Wishing that Legolas would be here once more.
And therein lies the source of my feeling rather silly. Once, when I was far younger, I might have thought it terribly romantic to be left behind by the object of one's affection, left here to wait and then be met with a joyous reunion.
It is not so. To wait around just for an ellon to return seems so ridiculous, and though I endeavour to do all I can to not wait around so, I cannot help but feel as though I have failed in that respect. I wait for more than just that stupid prince, but it is impossible to banish all thoughts of him - I would be foolish to do so, anyhow.
Nana comes and sits beside me in the sitting room, and silence pervades the house. We say nothing, but she pulls me into an embrace, holding me as she once did when I was younger.
In the end, she has been my dearest friend, the only one on this earth whom I have truly trusted, who has been there. I know now that I have taken her for granted. She has done the most for me, the most for our family, and many sacrifices has she made for our well-being, so that we might see happiness. I marvel at how she finds such joy in mine own joys, and disregards herself because of her love for my sisters and me.
She has lingered her in this darkening land for us, to see here and ensure we are taken care of. I had rather been thankful for her sacrifice than despise it because I know of what she wishes for. I have not thanked her as she deserves, nor have I even been nearly as thankful as I should be.
"Iell," she says quietly, ending the pervading silence, "It is my want that you would always know that I love you."
"I never doubted it, Nana, for you have done much for us."
She runs her fingers through my hair as she did when I was a child, still holding me.
"I am proud of you, Authiel."
"For what, Nana, I have done nothing but made a fool out of myself..."
Nana laughs. "Oh, my dear, I am amazed at your complete inability to see what is right before you."
"I suppose I am not observant," I answer.
"No, no, you are not. It matters not, iell. Only remember that when all runs its due course, you shall be able to see that which you once were blind to."
"Why will you not just tell me what you know when I am unaware of it?" I ask.
"There are times when I can tell you, Authiel, yet other times it is far better that you find the answer yourself."
I sigh, closing my eyes and wishing that I might know all the answers that are so lost to me.
"I still am proud, iell. Though discouraged, you have continued on and clung to hope and not lost faith. You have heeded the words I gave you, even as it was difficult."
"Is difficult, Nana, for 'tis still trying, especially when one considers how Ennorath's fate still hangs in a seemingly faulty balance."
"There is no faulty balance, for we know our fate is guided, and a purpose there is for all things," she says, stroking my hair gently.
The night is darker than most, though still do the brightest stars show their faces eagerly through murky darkness. I feel so weary, yet I dare not say a word, for I know my mother is far more weary than I, and I have naught to complain of with her. If I now should seek rest, I would find none; my mind is ever plagued with thoughts, and my heart, with a yearning so strong at times I want nothing more than to weep.
The longing is almost as if a need has been denied me and now I can do nothing but yearn for it, for it shall not come.
As if she has read my thoughts, Nana says, "It is a need, iell. A soul cannot merely know love and then be stripped completely of it without consequence. But braving the pain and the ache only strengthens it."
I frown.
Nana smiles. "Oh, do you not know that I can see your very thought and feelings written upon your countenance?"
Glumly, I respond, "No, Nana. I should not have forgotten, for you have always done so."
"Never have you been able to conceal your feelings well from any, much less me."
"Why could I just remove it from myself? Why can I force my heart to forget it?"
"Authiel, you know quite well it does not work so easily!" She places a comforting hand on my cheek. "You must fight through the hurt, though it threatens to tear you down and take the things you cling to away. It will never tear them away unless you foolishly let them go."
I have not let them go, I have held on to hope and faith, though I have been tempted to succumb to doubt and helplessness.
"I wish that I had never met him, Nana," I say, lamenting.
She answers, "No, iell nin, you do not truly wish that. Not at all."
I ponder her words for a fleeting moment before I know they are true. Our friendship was reason enough to not wish I had never met him. And though I fell in love painfully, it would do no good to forget it. A bit of me believes that it was the reason I was unable to bring myself to leave by way of a grey ship, fanciful as the thought is.
After my conversation with my mother ends, she departs the room, making for her room where she spends hours recalling memories and reading the many books and journals she holds there.
I remain in the sitting room, laying down my head, though I know I shall receive very little rest, if any at all. Often before, I was able to find rest even as I walked about, but now I can find rest in no places, at no times. If I even feel a smidgen refreshed by the morning light shining through, it will be a miracle.
But my mind will not suffer me to rest.
All my mind can remember now is Legolas, all it dwells on is him. His voice, his smile, his embrace; they all have ingrained themselves in my mind, never to leave, though I have tried to expel them. I do know that he cared for me, leastways as a friend. And that is not enough for me, an unimportant elleth of whom none know anything of and who never planned to even befriend the prince. Never meant to make even his acquaintance.
Before, it would have been enough merely to have met him. And when I did meet him, having a trifling friendship would have far exceeded any expectation. A desire for a trifling friendship turned into one for strong friendship, and from that to love. It would have been easier if I had forgotten the last moments I had with him, forgotten his kiss, forgotten how near I was, and the strong but fleeting hope that came with it.
'Tis useless to think of what would have been and would be easier. I cannot forget. I shall always remember it, though with it comes a pain and a regret. I do regret being so impulsive that when I could no longer control myself, I allowed all those words that had plagued my thoughts to spill forward from my lips.
I love the stars so, as all elves do, and those nights spent conversing with Legolas were wondrous ones, ones where the sky was filled with glittering stars whose light never diminished. And now their light brings more than merely joy for love of their beauty and presence, it brings also those memories that are so lovely and terrible in the same moment.
Suddenly, I have looked out the open window to behold the dawning of a new day. It seems I did indeed find rest, in spite of my warring thoughts. My heart feels enlivened, and my mind, refreshed. The sky glows in several shades of vermillion and orange as the Sun makes her way into the blue of the sky. This day, she seems to shine a bit brighter, deeper, as though new life has been granted.
Breathing deeply, I make my way out of the house and into the outdoors, briskly walking to remove myself from the thick trees around my home.
The very air seems a bit sweeter, though the cool of the morning is stronger. The Song seems more dazzling, every part of it joyfully blending in a contentful harmony.
The very moment I step past the tree line and onto the path leading into the city, Nellethiel comes, weeping. What joy I had obtained now flees, my mind anticipating and preparing for the very worst, while my heart drops and I feel sick.
"Authiel! Authiel!" she cries. "You must–you must know the news!"
Gravely nodding, I reply, "Yes, mellon nin, what news must I know?"
She takes hold of my shoulders and shakes me. "The Ring, Authiel! It has been destroyed!"
I gasp, stumbling back a step, relief flooding my entire being, covering me as a relentless wave covers the rocks of the shore.
"Has it?" is all I weakly manage, in utter disbelief.
"Yes, Authiel! Look to the East!"
My eyes turn to the East, and there in place of a Shadow, it seems as though a dawn has broken where once only darkness lay.
Oh! Praise be unto Eru! And thanks be given to Him and the Valar, His servants, also! He has heard the cry of His children, and the call was not denied nor forgotten. All the while, He was working. His hands were guiding, and all faith placed in Him was rightly put there. Never had He failed us, and never shall He come near to doing so. Not a single change comes to Him, and He has seen it fit to spare our world from plunging into utter darkness.
Tears come to my eyes, spilling over, just as my joy is spilling, for peace has returned fully to our world. Our fate is sealed, and we have gained victory. Victory over Sauron has been attained, and now come days of peace, days that have not been seen since Sauron first rose to his terrible power.
"Oh, praise be!" I exclaim, looking to the sky and seeing as the Sun rises, soaring higher, and joy overflows in my heart. "Nellethiel, how did you know?"
"I am not as you, living in the trees as few do here. All in the city knew when the Lord Elrond alerted us to the news," replies she. "But does that not now mean that the power of Vilya shall now fade, and with it, our valley?"
"The valley shall not fade, nor shall the home we now love, though many will depart. Only our secrecy will face weakening, and the fading of Vilya's power is a small price to pray when one takes into account what was needed in order for Ennorath to receive peace."
She nods through tears.
"'Tis a small price to pay compared to what other lands faced."
Nellethiel embraces me tightly, reminding me of the young elleth she was when first we became friends.
"I have been blessed to have you as a friend, and much better, as a wise friend."
"It has been far better for me to have you as my friend." I take a breath. "I know that now you would be content to leave. If that is your heart's desire, I beseech you to go. Someday I shall follow you, and our friendship will be rekindled."
"I would not leave so soon," she smiles. "Not when you still have not gotten the matters of your own heart in order. But enough of this. Your mother must hear of the joyous news!"
I smile, a giddy, gleeful feeling surging through me. I turn quickly and nearly run home, the joy and thankfulness overtaking me.
The door I burst through unceremoniously, yet there is no need for such courtesies now. Nana gravely looks up from her needlework, a baffled expression taking over her features.
"Ai, Anneth! What ever is the matter!" she exclaims, setting down her work.
"Nana! Oh, Nana! There is victory; the war has been won."
A smile breaks upon her face, and she embraces me.
"You know, when you came through that door, I saw a flash of you as an elfling, come home to tell me that Ada had returned," she says, releasing me. "And it grieves me that he could not be here to see this great victory."
I wipe the tears from my face, the gladness rising in me at this wondrous occasion.
"It really has been done, Nana, the Ring, cast into the fires of Orodruin."
She gives no answer, her smile the only necessary response, for there are no words to express the thankfulness we now contain within us, nor the joy that wells up in our hearts.
'Tis a joy that could not be quenched, even in the face of darkness, for it was as a piercing light through the murkiness of the days that have now been left behind. A joy that none could take away, that endures through the pain, through the darkness and the uncertainty.
Her voice a soft whisper, my mother says, "I love you, iell nin."
Not unlike the night last, silence falls. Yet now there is no uncertainty, no worry, and there is a calm now, a peace, though peace was there all along. Peace, joy, faith, hope all have been constant in the darkness. Without them there can be no hope for victory.
But in the very end it is love that drives out the shadow and gives way to these wondrous days before us, for love is the most powerful force, and without it, faith means naught. Without it, every other virtue is meaningless, without it, a purpose cannot be found. Without it, we are empty shells of who we might become, unfeeling and unable to achieve a single great thing, for all comes to naught when there is no love. It is love that has carried us this far, for our fates are guided by Eru Iluvatar, and it is He who is the Creator of every good thing, and He is love.
In the end our gratefulness should be placed in Him, for He willed that we might see this moment, that his servants which dwell across the Sea would grant us what they have.
I do not believe in the long while I have lived that I have understood fully what the root of all that one must carry in dark times was. I knew them separately, as necessary things, but not that they all came together under one thing. Hope and faith are only a piece of what love is, for love hopes in all things and endures in all things.
Because of it, the darkness is forced to pass. In love, there is a light, a light that cannot be comprehended by the dark, but is eternally known to us.
yo finally another update
please comment and vote!!
y'all are the best for sticking with me even though I take ages to update lol
any of you taking AP tests this week?
I've taken two and submitted both of them with 20 second left :)))
may your pantries be full of lembas as i go to find the sun :)))))
- ness