🗒 ❛ XXVII : butterflies ༉‧₊˚✧
» [ overdose - exo ] «
1.45 ——〇─── 3.50
⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻
▁ ▂ ▃ ▄ ▅ ▆ █ 100 %
-
"ˢᵒᵐᵉᵒⁿᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵒᶜᵗᵒʳ,
ʰᵒˡᵈ ᵐᵉ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗᵉˡˡ ᵐᵉ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ⁱˢ ᵃ ˢⁱᶜᵏⁿᵉˢˢ,
ᵃⁿ ᵃᵈᵈⁱᶜᵗⁱᵒⁿ, ᵒᵛᵉʳᵈᵒˢᵉ.
ⁱᵗ'ˢ ʰᵃʳᵈᵉʳ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵒⁿᵗʳᵒˡ ᵃˢ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ ᵍᵒᵉˢ ᵇʸ,
ⁱ'ᵐ ᶠᵃˡˡⁱⁿᵍ ᵈᵉᵉᵖᵉʳ ⁱⁿᵗᵒ ʰᵉʳ."
┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊
┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚❀ ⋆｡˚❃
┊ ┊ ┊ ✿
┊ ┊ ❁⋆
┊ ๑ ┊
✾ ⋆ ┊. ˚.
˚✽
{ jinhee's pov }
— flashback to 20 minutes ago —
'annnnnd...WE'RE DONE!'
i exclaimed, as i plopped the last box from the last room onto the pile of boxes we compiled. i heaved a sigh of relief as i sat myself down onto a box without hesitation.
who the fuck cares if the box breaks because of my heavy ass? it deserves it anyway.
jimin came into the room shortly as i saw him wiping the sweat off his forehead. both of us were sweating a lot, and the room being so fucking stuffy wasn't helping either.
not to mention, there was no air conditioner or even a goddamn fan in here. i could cook a bloody egg in here.
jimin walked closer towards me. i thought he was going to take a seat on the box next to mine, so i shifted my box a little bit aside to make space for him.
but he suddenly stopped before sitting down.
i looked at him quizzically as he looked back at me as though he was asking for permission.
i rolled my eyes jokingly.
'just sit, dumbdumb.'
he smiled slightly as he plopped himself down to the box next to mine.
'should we go check on the two of them? they seem strangely quiet.'
jimin asked, turning towards me.
i shrugged.
'well i shouted at them to shut the fuck up just now, didn't think they would actually listen.'
i replied truthfully.
jimin was about to say something when i heard a phone 'ding!'
'it's mine, sorry.'
jimin apologised before reaching his hands into his right pocket and taking his phone out.
almost immediately after he checked his phone, his eyes widened. his eyes looked like it had a hopeful glint? as his lips tugged slightly into a small smile.
he quickly turned towards me and said excitedly:
'jinhee, i'm going to go somewhere first alright? i'll be back!'
i was about to reply him but i didn't get the chance to when he quickly ran off out of the room.
what was that about?
i shrugged as i leaned my back against the load of boxes behind me. perhaps i could use a nap for now.
•┈┈┈••✦♥✦••┈┈┈•
{ jimin's pov }
i've been waiting for that letter for the past 2 months! and finally it came!
i didn't mean to just leave jinhee there alone in the creepy room but i was just too excited.
i eagerly headed to a secluded corner as i made sure no one was around me before i leaned my back again the wall and opened my email.
oh please, please, please.
accept me this time, please.
╔═══════════════╗
From: starentertainment@gmail.com
To: parkjimin@gmail.com
Subject: Results for Mr. Park Jimin's Application
2nd February
Dear Mr Park Jimin,
Thank you for taking the time to apply for Star Entertainment as one of our Dance Choreographers. We really appreciate the time and efforts you put into the audition. We received a total of 5000 applicants for this role and have also finished reviewing all 5000 applications.
After reviewing them thoroughly, we felt that other applicants were better suited to be Star Entertainment's dance choreographer. Henceforth, at this time, we are declining to move forward with your application.
We wish you the best of luck in your future applications to other companies/entertainments.
Sincerely,
Starship Entertainment
╚═══════════════╝
at that moment, i felt a hard squeeze at my heart. an aching one.
i bit my lip harshly to prevent any tears from forming. i reread the email over and over again to make sure i was reading it right.
"other applicants were better suited."
"other applicants."
"better suited."
"we are declining to move forward with your application."
"we are declining."
"declining."
i felt a knot at my throat and my eyes were stinging as i read these words repeatedly. i gritted my teeth as i switched off my phone and let my hand which was holding the phone drop down to the side of my body.
my head hung low as i fought hard to hold in my tears.
don't cry, park jimin.
it was so hard to abide to those four words. i tried swallowing that invisible knot at my throat but to no avail, my nails dug into my phone screen before my entire hands just clenched around my phone.
this was the 47th time i've been rejected.
why is it so hard?
am i not good enough?
why am i never good enough for anybody no matter how hard i practice?
i should've ate lesser.
all my dance coaches always tell me that weight affects the way you dance. the lighter you are, the easier i would be able to execute moves and i would be able to dance better.
why didn't i listen?
maybe i should cut down to a cheese sausage per meal.
is that too much though?
i started asking myself questions on why i'm not good enough, why i'm being constantly rejected over and over again, and why no one would take me in.
i spent 15 minutes just gripping my phone harshly. i wanted to scream, to cry, but i couldn't.
i waited two months for the results.
regardless of my past rejections, i kept hoping and hoping that this may just...be the one.
but i was wrong.
maybe...just maybe...
this is a sign that i should just give up.
i sighed as i shook my head harshly as i try to make my expression look like nothing happened.
i couldn't let jinhee know, i wouldn't.
i don't want to worry another friend about a stupid, meaningless problem of mine. that would be really selfish of me.
i slowly made my way back towards the room where jinhee was in as forced myself to put on a normal-looking expression.
i'm okay, i'm okay.
i entered the room where jinhee was and i noticed that she was about to stand up. she looked startled to see me for a second before her expression went back to normal.
'oh, hey jimin. what took you so long?'
jinhee asked unknowingly, as she stood up from her seat.
i didn't want to look at her, i couldn't.
i knew if i did, i would start crying.
'n-nothing. i just went to the toilet.'
i replied unconvincingly as i walked towards me and sat down on the box next to jinhee's.
she looked at me doubtfully, obviously not believing me. i wouldn't believe me either.
jinhee hesitantly sat down besides me, shifting her box slightly away from me.
'what's wrong?'
she asked, looking at me, as i avoided her gaze.
and that was it.
the problem is,
everything was wrong.
it hurts everywhere.
it hurts that my dreams get crushed over and over again, 47 times.
suddenly, i literally felt all the emotions i had been suppressing inside me bubble inside my chest. all the disappointment, anxiety, the constant mindset of mine that i was never good enough, the fact that no matter how hard i practiced and worked on my dancing, as well as the fact that i always think i'm eating too much and i always strive to eat as little as i can:
it would never be enough.
that bubbling feeling started bubbling up to my throat, as i felt my eyes starting to water from the pain. it felt as though those tears were containing those negative emotions i've been bottling up inside my heart, and it was now begging to be released.
i wish i could've controlled it. but i couldn't.
as soon as the first tear rolled down my cheek, others soon followed. it slowly felt hard to breath as the clenching feeling in my heart was absolutely suffocating.
i was a pathetic idiot who was breaking down right in front of jinhee.
and i couldn't do anything to stop it.
•┈┈┈••✦♥✦••┈┈┈•
he started crying.
and what i meant by crying was not a tear or two dripping down your face. it was full-on crying.
jimin was literally breaking down and sobbing right in front of me and i had no absolute fucking idea what to do.
do i call jungkook and taehyung?
no, bad idea.
from that past experience with taehyung, i've concluded that they do not like to share with their friends their problems.
what do i do?
oh fucking mother of god, what do i do?
i absolutely couldn't comfort ANYONE for shit. and i didn't want to try giving advices in case it just made things worse. which for the record, happens 99.9% of the time.
i gulped. but i couldn't not to anything, right?
it wasn't right for me to just sit there and do nothing.
jimin's my...friend.
and friends help each other.
i gulped once more, before turning towards jimin and hesitantly scooting closer to him.
okay everyone be warned:
i'm a little fugly idiot who can't comfort people for shit and what do you expect? me to sing a little lullaby for him? i did my best, i promise. and, not to sound cliche but, it broke my heart seeing jimin like this.
jimin was bending his back, as he rested his elbows against his thighs and buried his face into his hands.
i could see the tears seeping out of his hands. i could tell that he was trying very hard to be as quiet as he can, but i could still hear him sobbing.
my lips immediately turned into a sad frown.
i then stretched out my hand as i awkwardly pat him on the back. i'm sorry, you were already pre-warned.
i'm pretty sure it was not even an assuring pat. i didn't even place my entire hand on him, it was probably only my fingers. i think it felt like i was poking him.
i was an idiot, okay?
'um...jimin...i don't really know what's going on and i'm not sure how to make you feel better but...i'll just sit here and be here for you, okay? i'm sorry...'
i said unreassuringly. i felt bad that i couldn't do anything for jimin at that moment. i felt helpless and i really really wanted to help.
but i meant whatever i said. i would be here with jimin, if i was of any help in any ways.
i sat there silently patting jimin's back constantly for 5 minutes. jimin's sobbing didn't get any better, on the contrary, it got worse as time went by.
and i was a fool who couldn't do anything about it.
all i could do now was hope that taehyung and jungkook could get their ass here as soon as they can.
i was still patting jimin's back awkwardly when he suddenly stopped crying.
i mean, not really, he was still sniffing a lot and it sounded like he was trying to say something but he couldn't because he was crying so much.
'j...jinhee...'
jimin choked out, as he removed his face from his hands and began wiping his tears profusely.
'i-it's...it's so hard...'
he said between sniffs. i noticed how he bit his lip hardly as he furrowed his eyebrows as though he was...holding back his tears?
'jimin. cry if you want.'
i didn't mean to sound like i was ordering him to, i just didn't know how use a soft tone?
after hearing that, he started letting go of his tears. i bit my lip to prevent MYSELF from crying. i just couldn't bear watching jimin like this.
after patting jimin's back for a few minutes, he started cooling down a little. he was still sniffing a lot but he stopped sobbing. his eyelashes were moist and his nose were really red due to how much he was crying just now.
'j-jinhee...'
he stuttered softly, between sniffs.
'yes?'
i asked, looking at jimin as i removes my hand from his back.
'n-nobody wants...m-me...'
he said, as his eyes started to water again.
i was puzzled, and confused. and kinda angry at whoever made jimin cry like this.
'nobody wants you? who? do you want me to fight them? i can literally step on them in the face—'
i was getting way too ahead of myself when jimin cut me off.
'jinhee, no.'
i shut my mouth and gulped.
'okay then, how bout i set their house on fire?'
'jinhee.'
jimin deadpanned, before looking back at me.
call me weird but i absolutely hate eye contacts so i broke ours almost immediately after he looked at me.
i mean, talk about awkward.
'fine, want to...talk about it?'
i hesitantly suggested, not wanting to force jimin into telling me anything. it's none of my business anyways.
'i-i just...yes.'
jimin sighed, as he turned away from me and hung his head low once more.
he paused for a while before continuing.
'it...it has always been my dream since i was a child, i've always dreamed to be a dance choreographer. i wanted to choreograph dances for idol groups and see my choreography be executed by them on stage. the feeling of seeing people performing the dance that i choreographed...i-it must feel amazing.'
he paused for a while once more, pursing his lips as he found it difficult to continue.
'it's okay jimin, take your time.'
i assured him.
'my parents were both amazing dancers. they had choreographed many dances for many different idol groups. heck, they even met in a dance studio.'
he gulped before continuing.
'after they gave birth to me, they still continued choreographing dances for different companies and idol groups. they spent most of their days in dance studios and i remembered my dad used to bring me to his studio with him and i would watch him dance in awe.'
'my parents were and are a super big inspiration to me when it comes to my dream of becoming a dance choreographer. i absolutely love dancing, it's more than a hobby, jinhee.
you get it, right?'
jimin smiled slightly as he turned his head slowly to meet my eyes again. i was kinda stunned by our close proximity as i blinked back awkwardly at him.
it took me a few seconds to come in terms with everything. i know i'm dumb, you don't have to tell me twice.
i smiled back at him and nodded,
'yea, i understand.'
jimin smiled back before turning his head and facing in front again.
'b-but...i'm starting to think that...maybe dancing j-just...isn't my thing, you know?'
he said softly, his smile fading almost immediately as his head hung low again and his eyes looked sadly towards the floor.
i frowned,
'no jimin, why would you say that?'
he brought his head up again and he stared soullessly towards the front.
'the reason i went out just now...was because i received an email that the results for my audition as a dance choreographer came out.'
i didn't say anything, as i waited for jimin to continue.
'but, i got rejected. i didn't pass the audition, jinhee.'
jimin said dejectedly, as he smiled
painfully.
oh for fuck's sake jimin, you don't have to force yourself to smile if you're not happy.
i turned my head to look at him.
'but jimin, you can always try again. don't give up, it's your dream after all—'
'47 times.'
jimin said, cutting me off.
i raised my eyebrows in confusion, as jimin turned his head and looked back at me.
'47 times i've been rejected.'
jimin said, his voice almost sounding like a whisper.
my mouth hung open slightly upon hearing that, as jimin turned away from me and looked towards the front again.
'i know, i must really suck, huh?'
jimin said sadly.
i immediately straightened myself and said 'no!' a little bit too loudly, catching jimin by surprise.
i blinked awkwardly before sitting back normally.
'i mean, you can't think that way.'
i said, furrowing my eyebrows.
'why not? it's true.'
jimin counted, as he looked down sadly.
i didn't know what else to say so i kept quiet, as i looked in another direction beside jimin's and frowned.
'i want to follow in my parents' footsteps. i want to make them proud by being an amazing dance choreographer like my mom and dad. i wanted to prove to them that i'm a great dancer, but all i've proved to them now is that i'm just a great disappointment.'
jimin said, as i noticed his eyes turn glossy again as he hung his head low once more to prevent me from seeing him tear up.
i suddenly stood up, arching my eyebrows. jimin was stunned as he immediately removed his head from his knees and looked up at me.
one thing i just can't stand watching is, someone downgrading and dejecting him/herself in such a way that he/she thinks that he/she is not good enough or whatever.
and i certainly wasn't going to take this bullshit when that person is my friend.
'park jimin, listen up okay?'
i say as i pointed my finger at him. jimin looked at me confused but i'm just gonna ignore that for now.
'you're NOT a disappointment. who the fuck even said that? well, just saying, i will fight whoever says you're a disappointment, including you, park jimin.'
i ignored jimin's stunned expression for the moment as i continued to ramble.
'and i know 47 times is a lot of times. i know i don't understand whatever the fuck you are feeling right now but i don't even need to see it but i know that you've been working so fucking hard for your dreams and literally fuck whichever jackass who thinks otherwise.'
'and besides, have you ever heard this saying before? "success is a journey, not a destination. the doing is often more important than the outcome."
and whatever. screw the emo, overdramatic, cheesy person who wrote this shit but it's kinda true, don't you think?'
jimin pursed his lips as he looked away from me, refusing to answer me.
i frowned.
'why do you see those 47 times as rejections? why don't you see them as learning experiences?'
jimin lifted up his head and looked at me.
'because i'm a failure, jinhee. and my dance instructor tells me off every time i fail an audition, which is literally every time. he always tells me i'm too fat, i need to eat less. do you know that the weight affects the way you dance? i bet you didn't know that. my dance instructor told me that if i lose weight, it would be easier for me to execute dance moves and make me more versatile to more dance genres. i wake up early to practice in the dance studio and i don't leave until late at night. sometimes i'm too exhausted to make my way home, i just end up spending the night at the studio. it's better that way sometimes, because i can practice again instantly when i wake up.'
my expression softened after hearing all of that. i truly didn't know what to say.
i wish i could say something wise but, i don't know how to put my words together.
you know what, fuck it.
'honestly jimin, you can ask your dance instructor to go fuck himself and his sorry ass because you probably have the talent to just teach yourself dancing. i mean, have you ever considered maybe he's the reason why you're not passing the auditions? what kind of teacher calls his own student fat? that's just...wow—so toxic.'
'no jinhee, i—'
'nope, let me finish.'
jimin was about to say something when i cut him off.
'i don't want to see you wallowing in self-pity this way. i don't want to see you having this unhealthy mindset of you that you will never be good enough. because maybe you are not good enough now, but you will eventually. you will, jimin, and you should know that. no correction—you MUST know that.'
i deadpanned.
jimin sighed, 'i-i guess...'
'no, don't guess. you know it.'
i said, shaking my head.
jimin shrugged as he didn't respond. i sighed as i sat back down on the box.
'why are you so hard on yourself, jimin?'
i said, frowning once more.
'i can't help it. i just wish i was good enough.'
jimin replied.
i furrowed my eyebrows. i felt bad for him, i felt my heart clench a little knowing how he has been fighting for his dreams and trying 47 times, and getting disappointed 47 times. and now, he wants to give up.
'i'm sorry. i don't think i was of any help.'
i said truthfully, disappointed at myself as i once again proved that i didn't have the ability to comfort people for shit.
jimin turned to me and smiled, before shaking his head.
'no jinhee, thank you for listening to me. it feels great having someone to talk to about my problems like that without worrying about getting judged. i mean—you won't judge me, will you?'
jimin's smile was replaced by a worried expression.
'of course not, jimin.'
i replied, smiling as reassuringly as i could. don't get me wrong, i really really won't judge it. just that, i don't know how to smile nicely. haha.
jimin's lips tugged into a smile again.
'thanks jinhee, you're a really great friend.'
jimin said as he threw his arms around me and hugged me.
hold on, wait what the fuck?
HE'S. HUGGING. ME.
sorry i needed like a few decades to comprehend that.
his hug caught me off guard as i widened my eyes in surprise and my hands were placed on my side awkwardly, not knowing what to do.
do i hug him back?
i hesitantly brought my arms up to his back and awkwardly, i meant VERY awkwardly, hugged him back.
'i'm glad to have a friend like you, jinhee.'
jimin said, while hugging me.
i swallowed hard, before saying,
'i'm glad to have a friend like you too, jimin.'
but the fast beating of my heart and the butterflies spreading rapidly in my stomach were telling me otherwise.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
author's note—
TEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA👀🤡☕️☕️☕️
a solo jimin special chapter😌how did you guys find it? this is by far the saddest chapter so far and i felt really sad writing this. also, jinhee became a liiiiiiiiiiiittle better at comforting people, don't you think? a little, she's still a dumbass ngl
who do y'all ship jinhee with now? just curious 👀
thanks for reading! &&votes are very much appreciated.