The food was lackluster at best, as Ellie had made Ban sit down and wait for her food. He didn't touch it, probably knowing how bad it would taste just by looking at it. We stayed and talked, them filling me in on what had been happening these past few weeks. It wasn't good, not at all. I felt terrible that I hadn't been there to help. However, she assured me that I deserved some rest, as they were all fighting the hard battle you had already experienced.
She had told Ban and I to return to the room we had been in before. Ellie had a sort of sixth sense when it came to everyone's feelings, and she could sense the tension between us. It was pungent in the air, thick in the lungs. She had told us to go get some rest, probably so Hawk wouldn't bother us.
We went off to the room, sitting down with a groan. I slid back against the pillows on the backboard, crossing my legs by pulling them in with my hands. Ban sat on the chair next to my bed, where he had originally been. Apparently, he hadn't left this room in the three weeks I had been here. That made me angry beyond belief.
"Ban, are you serious?" I sighed, starting it off. He looked at me, his expression distressed.
"(Y/N), I made a mistake with Elaine. I knew it the moment I saw her," He said, looking down at the floor. "I love you."
"That's not okay!" I laughed humorlessly, "Ban you gave up on me the day we fought Hendrickson and decided I wasn't your choice. If you really loved me, there wouldn't be another option, I would be the only one."
"I-"
"Not only that, but you can't do that to Elaine!" I continued, growling, "I wanted so bad to hate her when I met her, but she is such an amazing girl. She is sweet and compassionate and she deserves a flawless partner. You were so good to her. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to her?"
"I need you to understand, I..." He paused, trying to collect my thoughts.
"Ban, I know you're bad at this. At talking. But I need to know what's going on, because neither I nor Elaine deserve this. Not from you, especially. You have been so committed to her. Why now are you deciding that I'm the one?"
"(Y/N), I've been using Elaine as an excuse..." he sighed, head in his hands. "I've known I really liked you- no, fuck it, been so fuckin' in love with you- for a while. I wanted to deny it because it felt like I was betraying her, so much so that I convinced myself. But when I saw her, when I held her... all I wanted was for it to be you instead," He looked at me, regret filling his eyes. "I know that's terrible. I know it isn't fair to her, but I can't help it. In the woods, when you broke down like that? I was on the brink. I wanted to tell you I loved you so bad."
"Ban..." I hesitated. This is exactly what I had been hoping to hear for so long. But it didn't feel right. This didn't feel right. "Ban, you know I really like you. I like you so much. But this? I can't do this. I can't do that do Elaine and I can't do that to myself.
"You are so bad for me, Ban. I am so happy whenever we get along, because it feels like you're really into me. And then you leave me in the dust. I cannot count how many times you have lead me on. I am so attached to you and this fantasy that we can be together," I looked at him, almost pleading him to do it again. "I've cried over you so many times. I've been miserable over you so many times. I haven't pursued people I have an interest in and have an interest in me because of you. You don't understand how hurt I am every time you even look at me with anything but kindness."
"But I do!" He said, and I drew back, looking at him, confused. "I'm scared of how in love I am with you, (y/n). I don't know why I do what I do, and It feels like I'm being stabbed a thousand times over whenever I hurt you. I've cried myself to sleep because of how horrible I am. I hate hurting you. I dream about being happy with you. I just..." He put his head in his hands again and sighed shakily, his voice breaking as he spoke. "I don't know what I'm doing... I've never felt like this before."
My eyes watered as I stared at him. I could hear the honesty and the heartbreak in his voice. I recognized it from all the times I had screamed and sobbed over him at night. Every time I had cried to someone else over him. I heard myself in him. I knew in my heart he was being as honest as possible.
But I just... I couldn't. He had burned me too many times.
Ironic from someone who uses fire magic, I know.
He was being honest, I knew he was. I heard the genuine words he spoke and I knew in my heart he was telling the truth. Ban couldn't act like that. He could hide all he wants, but he couldn't pretend. He could cover all he wanted, but he was not one who could pretend.
"Ban..." I sighed, running my hand through my hair and looking at the bedsheets. "I... I can't just run into your arms and disregard everything. I can't. You know that right? It takes more than that to get someone to fall back in love with you- the way they were in love with you before."
"I know, I know, I just..." He shakily met my eyes, crying. "I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be like we were for those..." He laughed quietly, looking at the bed sheets. "those two amazing days."
"Why did you give it up, then? Why did you give me up?" I begged.
"I told you! I convinced myself I was in love with Elaine! That didn't just go away, not until I finally..." All the sudden vigor in his voice disappeared as soon as it had come. He shook his head. "Until I saw her and realized.... how much I loved you. And what I had given up for a fantasy I never really believed in."
I wanted to hug him and say yes, I'd take him back. I'd be happy with him forever and enjoy the rest of my life. Enjoy being with the man I had pined after for so many years.
"What about Elaine?" I asked shakily. My resolve was definitely wavering. "What are you going to tell her?"
"She knew," He laughed bitterly. "She knew the whole time."
"What?"
"When I was talking to her when I planned to help the cap'n... she told me. She told me it was okay if she died, because she knew she wasn't the one anymore. She saw it in my face and the way I was around her. She knew the whole time..."
"...and she still didn't show me an ounce of hatred," I mumbled, staring at her sheets. So we both had that. We both ended up being friends even though we knew- or thought, in my case- the other had the man of our dreams.
"I know... and I really broke her heart. She said it was worth it," he mumbled bitterly. "I just... I couldn't do it anymore. When I saw you with that stupid Holy Knight asshole, I..." He grit his teeth and growled, "I couldn't stand it. I felt exactly how you felt watching me and Elaine. It hurt... so bad."
"I know..." I mumbled. We sat in silence, and I stared down at my knees.
This was a lot of pressure. A lot of information dumped on me without warning. How was I supposed to take this? Was I really supposed to give in? Be selfish and indulgent and take him only on his word?
It didn't feel right. It felt terrible. There was some piece- something missing from this whole equation. There was something I couldn't pinpoint that made me feel like I couldn't do it.
I stared at my sheets and it hit me.
It was him. It was because it was him. He couldn't commit- he has never been able to fully commit. Not to me, not to Elaine. The only two people he had ever felt love for. I was scared of being hurt again. Of my heart being shattered.
I watched Meli die. I fought the Ten Commandments and lost. I wasn't good enough to protect everyone and now they were all fighting what I had failed to defeat. Because of me, everyone was suffering. I had suffered through nearly dying for I-don't-know how many times. I had felt each of my hearts die within me.
Was I ready to commit my heart and soul to a man who had never 100% been with someone? With someone who had hurt me so many times?
"Ban... I want to say yes," I sighed, and he looked up at me, almost confused. "But... I don't think I can yet. We're good for each other, we were both really happy. But as soon as anything goes wrong, we ruin each other without remorse. I don't think that's healthy."
He sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"I know this isn't what you wanna hear," I began.
"But it's what I deserve," he chuckled darkly.
"And it isn't what I want to say," I continued, making him waver in his giving-up attitude. "But... I just need to think about it. Before we go to bed, because you obviously need sleep," I laughed, and he let a small smile out. "I just want to ask you a question."
He stayed silent, looking up at me expectantly.
"Are you willing to commit to me, 100%, through thick and thin? Please be honest, because another heartbreak..." I sighed, looking off to the side. "I don't know if I'll ever get over it."
"Yes," He said without hesitation, he grabbed my hand and looked up at me with a fire in his eyes. "I want you, and I want you to be my woman. I want to have a life with you, and I'm willing to do everything I can to convince you of it."
I pursed my lips, looking down at him. It had been a long time since I had seen him so fired up, so serious about anything. I scanned his face, finding no sign of wavering on that hefty promise he just made. It took a minute or two, but I finally relaxed.
I sighed, relaxing. I smiled softly down at him, nodding a few times. "Okay, okay, just... give me some time, okay? I'll have an answer by the time I get better."
He smiled, the first genuine smile I had seen in my direction in a long time. He pulled my arm forward, pressing his lips against mine.
My stomach exploded in butterflies, which was a little bit painful, considering my injuries, but the thrill remained. My eyes fluttered closed, and I melted into it. I would say it was involuntarily, but... I think we all know it wasn't. He reached his hand up, grabbing my cheek softly.
When he pulled away, my face was on fire. He placed his forehead on mine, his lips mere centimetres away from mine. He whispered against my lips, "I love you."
He then pulled away and walked out, like nothing ever happened. He closed the door behind him and the room went silent. I pressed my cold hands against my burning cheeks.
I leaned back into bed, flopping onto my back, not even recognizing that I had any pain. I groaned, covering my face. Damn that man and his stupid charms.
I grumbled quietly, "Ban, you're making me biased."