Christmas 2011
Age 17
Dawn was beginning to break over the skies and Sam and Adrian were already up and sitting beside each other on swings.
It was Adrian's attempt at being romantic and cliché and Sam loved how he put so much effort in keeping her happy. Over the past year, they had fallen into a comfortable relationship. It was the same as when they were friends except for the added flirting, hugging, and kissing.
Sam stared at blazing streaks of red, pink, and orange in the sky and wondered whether or not her father was happy, wherever he was. It was in quiet moments like these that thoughts of her father intruded her mind. She still missed him dearly since he was her father no matter what happened.
More recently though, she began wondering about the what ifs. Those torturous questions pelted her with pain.
What if he hadn't left? What if they hadn't fallen out of love? On some days, like today, those thoughts hit her harder than other days. There was no rhyme or reason for these days, well, at least she hadn't been able to discover a pattern yet.
"Hey, you okay?" Adrian asked.
"Yeah." She replied shortly.
Adrian knew very well that she wasn't okay but he didn't pry. Sometimes, Sam just needed time to recompose herself and think through whatever was eating at her.
Sam drifted off again but this time, her mind drew her back to two years ago, when Adrian had abruptly broken up with Claire. Usually, she just let it go, but other times, she couldn't let the thoughts stop nagging at her.
Today must have been a particularly bad day. Maybe it was the stress of the upcoming exams and university applications that was finally getting to her head. But the thought lay in her mind, gnawing away at her until she gave in to the mental war and the temptation of getting answers -something she had been missing of late.
"Why did you end up breaking up with Claire so randomly that time?" Sam asked.
Adrian smiled wryly, staring off into the nearby woods as if to be deep in thought, "I was wondering when you'd ask that. I bet you've been thinking about that for a long time now eh?" He asked in return, stalling for time. He flicked a look at Sam's blushing cheeks that gave away her answer.
"Well, while I was with Claire, about three months before we split, Billy made a comment that got me rethinking about my relationship with you. Something casual like, you and Sam don't talk as often do you now? And I realized how true his words were and how much I missed talking with you. I felt sad every time I thought about the distance between us and that was my first clue about uhhhh," He paused, seeming to have lost track of his own thoughts, he shook his head and restarted, "I mean, I was already super close with you right? So, well, uhhhh, I guess I had feelings for you without realizing it; I thought they were feelings of sibling love but when I began thinking about you as," He coughed and mumbled, his shyness returning full force, "pretty and kind -"
"Really? You thought that even before last year?" Sam asked with a shocked tone.
She regretted it immediately because she liked when they had long conversations. He was so shy that usually, they didn't talk much. Even though they were technically dating, they had much more to say when they were chatting through text or Facebook.
"Maybe." He muttered, ducking his head and refusing to make eye contact.
"Awwww man! I was torturing myself for so long wondering if you might possibly like me back." Sam blurted impulsively.
"Oops?" He shot his crooked grin at her, "Anyway, once I realized that I liked you for more than just friends, I also realized that I didn't like Claire anymore, well, not as much. So, I had to break up with Claire since it's unfair to string her along. And well, for a whole entire year, I debated with myself. I wondered whether or not you would reject me. I confided in Billy and well, you know the rest." Adrian finished quickly.
"You're the nicest guy ever." Sam blurted out again. She blushed instantly. Around Adrian, Sam didn't seem to have a filter to her words.
"Why thank you my love!" He said jokingly, letting pet name slip out without a second's thought.
They both froze at the sound of that four lettered word which held a painful amount of truth. A truth that neither party was willing to admit to just yet. They were only seventeen after all.
Sam was the first to rectify things, "Anytime sir!" She chirped. She tried to ignore the way his whole stance seemed to relax in relief once she said those two words, almost like he regretted calling her that.
The air seemed to change after that slip up. The silence that bordered along awkward seemed to stretch out between them. And when the sun finally rose and it grew too chilly to stay out for longer, Adrian hurriedly walked her back home before stuttering something about needing to do something at his place. With quick promises to return later that day, he left in a rush.
<<∞>>
Sam snuggled up beside Adrian, with a smile. He had returned a mere hour after he had left. She didn't pry into why he had made such a hasty departure earlier in the morning since she hated the awkward tension it seemed to cause.
"Sam?" He asked. Sam hummed in response, feeling too comfortable to move from her position. "How's your mom been holding up? You never talk to her at all."
Sam stiffened. She knew it was true, she and mother never spoke at all. It wasn't exactly her fault either. Her mother rarely left the master bedroom when Sam was in the house. It wasn't hard for her mother to avoid the world especially since she worked from home.
"I don't know. We just don't see each other."
"Why did you give up?" He asked.
"I didn't give up! I tried for about a whole year. I tried knocking on her door, I tried staying up all night in order to see her! But she avoided me! I don't even know why!" Sam was nearly yelling at the end. Whenever she talked about her mother, all the pent-up anger would just resurface, full-force.
"Because you remind me of the mistake I made when I was with him." A harsh, rusty voice sounded through the living room.
Sam glanced up, and was startled to see her mother. The once cheery woman had become a formidable looking force of hatred.
Sam breathed in sharply, feeling the words hit her hard. She felt the sting on oncoming tears but held them back. She wanted answers.
"What?" It was the only thing that came out and she sounded hurt rather than firm.
"You look like the mistake," Her mother began with absolutely no emotion, like she was simply stating a fact, and perhaps to her, that was merely a fact. "The horrible mistake I made when I decided to trust."
Sam frowned. There was more to this story than she knew, she could sense it. She vaguely registered Adrian leaving the room to give the daughter and mother some privacy. The loss of his presence was disconcerting to Sam though.
She gulped, "What happened?"
"Why does it matter to you?" Her mother retorted evenly.
"Maybe because it affects me?" Sam bit back through her teeth.
"But what occurred between us, doesn't concern you so, it doesn't matter." Her mother refuted, still maintaining the emotionless tone.
"Yes it does! Because it left me alone! Parentless! The only family member I have left is Adrian and relatives whom I haven't seen for too long! Don't you see? Can't you see how much the divorce hurt me too? Of course you can't, you've forgotten all about me! The most that ever happened is you signing permission sheets or giving me money when I needed it! And then you avoided doing that by leaving wads of cash in that stupid container!" Sam yelled, pointing at the plastic container on a shelf with a bunch of bills in it.
She and her mother shared a tense face off before Sam spoke again, "You were supposed to be my mother! Mom! The woman who would love me unconditionally! Dammit! I don't even know who you are anymore!"
The tears spilled then, rushing down her face in uncontrolled rivers. Though she may have been used to being without her mother, hearing her admittance to giving up made everything so much more real. And she could only feel the deep stabbing sense of betrayal and finality in this argument.
"Well you turned out fine." Her mother stated with an edge of boredom.
In the next room, Adrian could hear every word that was exchanged. He felt a rush of protectiveness and anger at that statement. He simply could not understand why Sam's mother, a woman who used to laugh and bake cookies with them, would turn into such a cold woman.
Once he heard the first sob from Sam, he left his position on the carpeted ground and re-entered the room. One quick look at Sam had him rushing to her.
Sam felt warm, familiar arms wrap around her and she turned and burrowed her face into Adrian's chest. He really was the only family she ever had and she was so grateful to him for sticking with her.
"Wanna come to my place for a while to calm down?" Adrian whispered in her ear, his breath tickling her gently.
She nodded, still crying a bit.
He wrapped an arm around her waist and led her out of the house. Sam risked a glance over her shoulder, partially hoping for her mother to call her back.
But life wasn't a fairy tale and the story between she and her mother wasn't looking like a happily ever after. Her mother merely leveled her with an impassive frosty glare. Sam wasn't really sure what hurt more, her mother's lack of emotion or the fact that she wouldn't explain anything to Sam. She pushed away the thought, burying it away.
Sam faced forwards again, focusing on Adrian and his comforting presence. The moment they'd closed the door behind them, he stopped, turned her to face him.
"Sam, I'm always here if you need okay?" He said sternly.
"Promise?" She whimpered. Her glossy brown eyes stared back up at him, wide, trusting, broken, and vulnerable.
"Promise."
But she should have known that promises are made to be broken.