11.September
00:01
I was dancing with the guys waiting for Noah to arrive. I missed him. I haven't seen him that much all week. He was always busy with the move, since he and George decided to rent another house and move in together.
I preferred him having his own apartment, to be honest. It's not gonna be the same staying over at his any more. I'm friends with George, but it's not that comfortable seeing him after I have sex with Noah and hopefully he won't have heard anything. It's another level of embarrassment.
" Where's your lover-boy? You're keeping him so busy that I haven't seen him all day. " George asks me.
I thought he was helping with the move? He said they were putting together the furniture. I even asked to come help and he said it wasn't necessary, there wasn't much left. Why would he lie to me about that? Why would he lie to George about that as well? George thought he was with me and I thought he was with him. What's going on?
" Um well he had some stuff to do. I haven't seen him much either. But um he's coming, he texted me ."
And because he texted me, that means it's true? Right now, I can't say I believe it.
I didnt even sound convincing. Some stuff? Yeah, great explanation. I can see George knows I haven't heard of him, except for a message earlier that he's coming late to the party. That's all.
He doesn't push it, though. Luckily. I don't wanna seem clueless in front of everyone of where my boyfriend actually is. He'll explain. Of course there's some logical explanation. Stop jumping into crazy conclusions.
Noah isn't like that and I know it. Of course I know it, I- I know him.
We dance for a few minutes, me just waiting for him to appear before we hear a voice behind us.
" Hey."
We all turn around to meet his dark brown eyes. He hasn't shaved at all these days. It suits him, I have to say. It gives him a lot more charm than before.
"Hey" I say softly ans move first to greet him. " I missed you. " I say and step closer to give him a kiss. I put my hands around his neck and he gives me a peck and barely touches me. He offers me a smile, though. The same one I've been used to all these days. The same one I, now, realize it's not that real.
I step back to let him greet the rest of our friends.
" I haven't seen you in so long. How are you?" Kayla happily exclaims and gives her drink to Steve rushing to go and hug him.
He is equally happy to see her. He smiles genuinely. A genuine at Alyssa but not for me. I try to hide my disappointment and the sadness I feel by smiling as well, while they hug each other. I hope it doesn't look as bad as it feels.
" I'm okay. How are you, fresh from your trip I see. But, you came five days ago from your trip and you didn't even come to say hello. " Noah tells her once they look at each other. They haven't seen each other for more than 1,5 month. Alyssa was on a roadtrip with her friends from her hometown in Europe, almost all summer and she just came back to L.A. a few days ago.
" It's not like you came, either. " she acts mad at him. " But I apologize, because I missed you so much. " she says smiling.
" I missed you, too. You, did you do something with your hair?"
" You're the first one to notice. Thanks Noah." She gives us a mad look and pats Noahs shoulder.
" Come on. It's not even that big of a change. " Goerge adds and looks at her hair trying to figure out what she did.
The truth is I didn't even realize she cut it shorter and did some perfect natural highlights. It's so beautiful. It brings out her big eyes more and it makes her look more stunning than she already is. I never understood how she can be so beautiful and nice at the same time. She's like the best version you wanna be.
Noah and Alyssa had a conversation for several minutes, just the two of them catching up. I didnt want to intrude so once they finished, I couldn't wait any longer to talk to him.
"Do you wanna dance?" I stepped closer to him and asked him. I just wanted an excuse to be alone for a minute.
" Yeah. Sure." He says and we go where a bunch of people are dancing and drinking, having a blast.
He looks so out of place while dancing. I know he's been thinking a bit too much lately. He's stressed over what happened before. But for no reason. It's not a big deal. I thought I made it clear and we sorted out, but it seems it still bothers him. I thought I seemed as cool as I've grown out to be. He hasn't even tried again since then.
" Noah. Can we go somewhere more privately ? "
He looks up almost relieved I asked him that. Good thing we both wanna talk.
" Where were you today?" I finally get these words out of my head.
He sighs and looks anywhere but me. Once he looks up, he stares at my eyes and says anything I wished he could take back.
" I wanted to think. "
" Okay. I would understand that. Why did you lie? To both me and George?" I try to remain calm.
" I just wanted to be alone. "
I don't say anything. It's time for him to talk. For him to explain. I know he's trying to say something for some days now.
"Kayla can we talk about it?" He asks me sounding defeated and tired. I know what he means, but what else is there to talk about?
"You know what I'm talking about. Stop ignoring stuff. It happened and we have to face it. That, and everything else."
"You want me to face them? Okay. I'll talk to my boyfriend, the boy I can't get enough of and try to cope with the fact that he doesn't want to have sex with me any more. And on top of everything, he lies to my face." I'm almost shouting at this point.
He doesn't say anything. He knows I have a lot more to say so he stays silent.
"What I know is that I've desperately tried for a whole month to...to seduce you to make you want me again" I say and my eyes are glistening from threatening tears.
"Kayla I'm so sorry, but this isn't just me, don't you see it? We don't work anymore."
" W- What do you mean?" I try not to stutter but I can't believe why he just said. It can't be right.
"All this time I'm trying to find a reason not to do this, not to hurt you but I, I can't do this." He says and tries to reach for my hands but I take them away.
" All this time? How long is this going on Noah?" I say a lot more loudly.
" It's been some weeks." He says and drops his gaze from my eyes.
" Weeks. " I say with no feeling whatsoever and look up. I'm just trying to comprehend everything.
" That's why yo- you couldn't even have sex with me. It did- didn't even work. Am I that indifferent to you? After everything you weren't even a little turned on by me?" I say looking anywehere but him, my eyes glistening and new tears coming out.
He doesn't dare to answer, of course.
"How can we not work anymore? We do. We did. How can this change in 30 days? What the hell happemed? Did you..did you meet so-someone else?" I'm going mad right now. Every thought goes into my head.
"Of course not. How can you think I'd cheat on you? You're not only my girlfriend. You were my friend before all this. " he seems offended but comes over it fast, focusing on me.
" I know, I know. I'm sorry. Let's try again okay? I'll try to be more open with you, not doubt you, I'll make us okay again. Just like we were." I cry while I'm saying this, but I get closer and touch his face, to feel him more. To understand him.
"Kayla I can't do this anymore. I can't fool myself nor fool you that this is going to work. It's not. I'm sorry, but I don't think- I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." he says it so slowly that I feel it going on slow motion.
He wipes my tears with his thumb, while I cry silently for him. For us. For everything we had and it's over.
"I love you, but I don't see you like that. I know this is harsh, but I'm not attracted to you that way, anymore." He says softly and I feel his sadness, but I don't want to sympathise him right now. I'm hurting when he's probably feeling free. Free off me.
What an irony. When you're in pain, someone else finds his peace.
"Why? Why am I not enough? I'm not pretty enough? I'm not smart or funny enough? I know I can be boring, but I'm really trying. Please, please don't do this to us." I say through my sobbing and I feel him sedding a single tear.
He wipes it furiously and kisses my cheeks taking away the empty tears.
"You're great as it is. And you're not boring so stop doubting yourself for something that is not your fault. I can't control it Kayla. If I could, we wouldn't be in this position."
This is the first time in so many weeks that I feel him closer than before. I feel his touch more atheuntic, more intimate.
"I love you. I loved you ever since I met you. Why can't that be enough? Why can't that be enough for you to look at me like I'm the most precious person in your world, like you can't stand but tear my clothes off and have me all night long? " I say crying more and more when time passes. I can't stand it.
It's not only our break up that tears me down. It's all these insecurities that arise, the ones someone else takes away from you when you're together. I guess not permanently. Because once Noah breaks up with me, I feel the most insecure and worthless I've ever felt before.
" I'm sorry. " He says and this is the last straw. I can't stand here and listen to him apologizing for not wanting me. I can't cope with that right now. Not with all these tears pouring down my face, not with my sobs and my lost mind. Not when my feelings are all over the place.
" I have to go. " I say and almost run away. Away from him.
" Kayla, please." I hear him saying softly, but I don't even look back.
And I don't think he even tries to follow me.
Not anymore.