Thursday 7th September.
Z A C
The house wasn't right without her. It was too quiet, there weren't enough books lying around, the scent of her body wash didn't float through the halls after her. It was hollow and I knew it was what I deserved, but it was still an ache that I detested. I'd reacted so damn badly to the news that she was pregnant.
It wasn't as if I hate kids, I want to be a father one day. Hell, I'd go as far as to say that having kids with Addie would be something I've thought about and I've known her for a month. That can't be normal but I haven't known normal since I met her.
She changed everything. Made me question everything. Seeing a future with a woman had never felt so secure until she came along and suddenly, the thought of her pregnant with someone else's child, threatened what I'd been building with her.
But after a few days of thinking about how I'd reacted, how I'd basically ruined everything because I flew off the deep end, I'd never hated myself more. So what if she was pregnant to someone else? I didn't even let her explain what the situation was. What if she didn't know the father or what if he was an asshole?
Addie wasn't manipulative. Sure, we hadn't known each other long, but I knew that as much as I knew grass was green, she wasn't manipulative and I accused her of attempting to find herself a baby daddy. It made me sick.
And then there was Willa. I ran my hands across my face when I thought about how this impacted Willa now that Addie was gone. She was just getting to know her birth mother and I knew how much that meant to her. Watching them together made me believe with absolute certainty that Addie didn't end up here on accident. Of all the places she could have gone after her sister died, of all the small towns, of all the police officers that could have found her on the side of the road, it was just too big to be a coincidence. God brought her here and I didn't doubt that one bit.
Part of me wondered if Addie was still around. What if she'd remained in town so that she could be close to Willa? It wouldn't be unreasonable to assume that. After all, I knew that Addie wanted Willa in her life more than anything. I sprung up from my bed where I'd been sulking in solace for the last few days and pulled on a fresh t-shirt. I hadn't heard from Raine in a while, which made me think she could know where Addie was. If Addie had asked my sister to keep quiet about where she was, my sister would keep quiet. That was the sort of person she was. Especially if she knew about how I'd treated Addie.
I ran downstairs and swiped the truck keys off the kitchen island, almost missing dad, who was in his own world as usual. He stared out of the window above the sink, watching Midge and Toto tug on either end of a rope in the back garden. What I would do to see Addie out there, tenderly caring for the plant life.
"Heading out, pops."
"Hang on," he said, his voice far more present than his expression had led me to believe. I came up short as he turned around and fixed me with a no nonsense stare. "You finally joining the land of the living then?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know exactly what I mean."
Dad often seemed a lot older than he was, I mean, he wasn't young, but grief and years of hard work had done a number on him and the way that he hobbled and stared out at nothing, aged him drastically.
His dark brown skin was great, even after all the sun, he'd aged well. So when he fixed me with the same look that I received as a disobedient child, eyes piercing and brows pulled, he reminded me of the man he once was, doing his best to raise me into the man I am now. It was definitely not his fault that I turned out to be an assumptive fuck though.
"I've just been dealing with a few things, dad," I said, toying the keys in my hand as I stared at the floor with guilt.
"What happened with that sweet girl?"
Shame washed over me. It was hard enough admitting to myself that I'd acted like an asshole, but admitting it to dad was digging the knife in deeper and delivering the final blow, was knowing how disappointed he was with a single glance. I might have been an adult, but his approval would always be important.
"I uh-- I dropped the ball. Messed up. She's pregnant and I didn't take it well," I looked up at him and realized how that would have sounded. "It's not mine. We never--"
"I know it's not yours," he said and I noted how un-surprised he looked. "You better go and see Raine."
"Why?" I asked, hopeful that he knew something, something like the fact that Addie was still in town. I bet she was staying at Raine's.
"Just go and see her," he waved me off and although I could tell he was pissed off with me, I was too excited at the thought of finding Addie at Raine's. "One more thing, I'm moving into that retirement village."
"What?"
"In about a month. The house is yours son. We'll sell the horses, get something sorted out for the cars. It's time you started living for yourself before you've wasted a whole lot of time on something that you don't love."
"You're so damn casual, pops," I said, palming my eyes. "Are you really sure about this?"
"I'm an old man," he folded his arms. "I can't be anything but sure. Now quit bothering me about it and go see Raine."
If there was anything I knew about dad, it was the finality in his tone. The conversation was over and that was that. Outside, the sun was hot and so was the cab of the truck, the windows were down but the seats were scalding, the scent of warm leather enveloped me.
As soon as I pulled up at Raine's, I ran inside without knocking. There was no solid plan, no speech that I had prepared, but I knew that I'd come up with the words when I saw her, as much as she left me speechless, she made me reel with thoughts and feelings. Telling her how I felt was never an issue. Which is exactly why I was in this mess in the first place.
"You," Raine said when I walked into the living room and found her and Willa on the sofa. Will was still in her uniform, an iPad on her lap, her focus honed in on whatever she was doing. Homework, I assumed.
"You're not at work?"
She scowled and I knew she'd talked to Addie. "I took the night off. We need to talk, now."
Willa glanced up as Raine gestured that I follow her, her gaze was curious but she gave an uncertain smile when I waved. Great, did she know too? Will gave me attitude from time to time, but she was always excited to see me.
In the kitchen, Raine gave me a solid and unexpected thump in the shoulder. Alright, it wasn't that unexpected.
"You talked to Addie then?" I rubbed the spot she'd punched and it tingled. "Is she here?"
"Is she here?" Raine scoffed and smacked me in the forehead. "No. She went home, idiot."
Well, that shattered any hope I was holding onto.
"Willa doesn't know. She thinks Milo is waiting until the weekend before he lets her see Addie again. I was hoping that she'd get in touch before then. It's only Thursday, so there's still hope."
My stomach dropped and I leaned a palm on the counter top.
"It's not hers," Raine said and I looked at her, not having a clue what the hell she was talking about. "The baby. It's not hers. It's her sister's baby. The father was a donor. Addie is just the oven. The surrogate. She was carrying the baby for her sister, who died."
If I hadn't been holding onto the counter top, I might have lost my balance. The scene replayed in my head for the millionth time. The shouting. The accusations. The way she'd desperately asked me to let her explain and I wouldn't. "Fuck," I felt breathless. "Shit, I--"
"You messed up," Raine snapped. "You wouldn't even let her speak. That is so you, Zac. You're a presumptuous bastard. Imagine how hard it is for her, being pregnant with her dead sister's baby and instead of giving her a chance to explain herself, you go off the deep end and make her feel so shit that she leaves the damn state. I am so mad at you."
"I'm mad at me too," I mumbled, afraid I'd throw up, my whole body was humming with nausea. There was no way I was going to attempt to explain or justify what I'd done and that seemed to surprise Raine.
"She's not mad at you," she said after a moment of terse quiet. "She said she understood why you were mad."
"I don't deserve to hear that."
She glared. "I know."
"Do you know where I can find her? Do you know her address?"
Raine's expression softened for a moment, she looked at war with herself but finally she shook her head. "No, I don't. I didn't ask and I doubt she would have told me. I don't th--"
I didn't wait for her to finish, I stormed out the back door and started ringing Addie's cellphone. There was no answer, but I wasn't giving up, not until she answered. I would stand here all day, looking out at the back garden, the little library Willa and I made, the table and chairs, the lights hanging in the tree. There was plenty to look at and enough determination coursing through me that I wouldn't give up.
Finally, after about ten minutes, the ringing stopped and there was a breath on the other end of the line. "Hello?"
"Addie, thank fuck," relief coursed through me. "Addie. I messed up real bad, Ads. I know that. I'm sorry. I accused you of something that I should never have accused you of. Raine told me everything and I jus- I'm so ashamed of how I behaved."
The line was quiet.
"Addie?"
"I'm- I'm here."
"I'm so sorry, Addie. I wish I could put it into words, how damn sorry I am."
"I forgive you."
"You do?" Raine said she wasn't mad but it still seemed too easy.
"Yeah," it sounded like she was moving. "Yeah I understand why you were upset."
"No. No, I shouldn't have responded like that. It wasn't fair. Addie, please come back. Please."
"Zac, I get that you're sorry and I forgive you and all of that is fine. But I'm still pregnant. I'm having a baby that I'm going to have to raise. That hasn't changed. You made it clear that you're not ready to play dad. There's no point in me coming hom- back."
She almost said home and the words made me desperately grip the phone, the need to hold her made me hum. "I didn't mean what I said, Ads."
"Really? You're willing to be a step father? With a woman that you barely know?"
"I know you. I do. Addie, I want to be with you."
"You don't know me. You can't. I haven't been me since I lost Margo. You've seen a version of me. A version that was trying to survive and plastering on a smile every morning and doing her best not to crumble. Zac, I ran away from home and spent a month completely ignoring the fact that I was pregnant."
"I know. I know but it doesn't matter. I know how I feel about you. I know that I don't want this to be over. I'll be the step father. I'll be the best damn one. I want you, Addie."
"Zac," she whispered. "I'm doing you a favor, alright? I'm not coming back to Texas to be with you. Go and find a woman who hasn't been pretending to be someone she's not the entire time you've known her. Start a proper family of your own. Fall in love with someone who isn't broken. You'll thank me for it later, trust me. I'm not the one."
"Addie," I pleaded, hating the fact that I couldn't grab her face and speak these words with the conviction in my eyes to match. I'd never wanted someone to believe me so much in my life. "You've never pretended. You've been honest about everything from the moment we met. More honest than any other woman I've been with. You never lied about your shit. That's how I know that it was real. Please, Ads. I know that I was an asshole and I don't deserve you but please, give me a chance. I'll make it up to you."
My breathing was heavy while she said nothing, there was nothing and then she was gone, the line dead. I sank to my knees, phone clattering on the wooden deck. I sat there for a while, planning my next move. If I could convince Raine to get her address, I could go to California, talk to her. Hell, I'd stay there with her and support her there if that was what she needed. After all, being at home must have been bringing up a lot of memories, a lot of pain. There was a reason that she'd fled in the first place.
The sliding door rumbled behind me and Raine sat down. "Addie is going to call Willa in a minute. She sent me a text and said she wants to explain what happened. Milo said that was fine."
"Where is Milo?"
"Working late for a raid. There will be a lot of logging files afterwards."
"Right."
"Raine," Willa shouted from the living room. "Addie is calling your phone!"
I followed my sister through into the living room until she spun around and pointed a finger at me. "I'm gonna let you listen because I think you deserve to hear how much you've hurt her. But don't even think about interrupting this conversation."
"I wouldn't," I said, I'd already heard her voice, I knew how much I hurt her.
Willa hit answer on Raine's phone and Raine put it on speaker, sitting down beside Will while I leaned on the living room door frame and folded my arms.
"Hello," Willa chirped, cheerful.
"Hey honey," Addie said and my whole heart shattered at how depleted she sounded. Her voice was more broken than it had been when I'd talked to her. "How are you? How was school?"
"It was good. I have to do a writing project, we have to write about something special that has happened to us this year and I'm writing about you."
The line was quiet for a moment but I heard the faintest sniffle. When there was no answer, Willa looked at Raine, unsure. "That's so sweet," Addie finally said, her words hitching. "I can't wait to read it."
"I'll show it to you when you come over next time."
"Will," Addie said. "I have to talk to you about something for a minute."
"Okay."
There was an audible intake of breath, the phone static humming. "I'm not in Texas anymore, Will. I had to come home, back to California."
Willa's face dropped and I had to look away, it gutted me. "Why?"
Addie sniffed. "There are some things that I had to take care of and it was just time. I know I didn't say goodbye and I should have but it was sort of sudden and I--"
"Is it Zac's fault?" Willa interrupted and I looked up to find her harsh stare directed at me. "Because if it is, we don't have to hang out with him anymore. We can just hang out you and me."
Raine looked at me and shrugged as if to say I deserved it.
"It's not Zac's fault, sweetie," Addie lightly laughed but it was laced with pain. I'd give anything to hear her real laugh again. "Don't be upset with him. It's not his fault."
It was though. If I'd reacted better, listened, shown support, she wouldn't have taken off the way she did.
"The thing is," Addie continued. "Before my sister died, there were some special doctors that performed a really special procedure so that I could carry my sister's baby. She couldn't do it herself so they put the ingredients into my stomach and now I'm pregnant with Margo's baby. Does that make sense?"
Willa looked confused but she nodded. "I think so."
"When the baby is born, I was meant to give it to Margo, because it's her baby. But then she died so now I have to raise the baby. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, I do. It's kind of like how you gave me to my mom and dad."
"Sort of. Except, I made you, you're my DNA. But this baby I have now, is not my DNA. It's Margo's."
"Oh. I get it."
"It's a complicated situation but I have to deal with it and I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my condo and what I'm going to do about my job and that sort of thing. But I promise, as long as you want to be my friend, I want to be yours. So I'll come and visit soon, okay?"
Willa perked up. "That would be good. Maybe I could come and visit you too."
Addie hesitated. "You'll have to talk to Raine and your dad about that, sweetie."
"Okay," Willa smiled at Raine and I couldn't believe that I was only just noticing how much that smile mirrored Addie's. She was a spitting image. "Can we talk lots on the phone too?"
"I hope so," Addie's voice was becoming more unstable, trembling, her throat sounded thicker. My nose stung and my eyes watered but this was about Willa and I didn't want to take that away by making it about me, I'd done that enough.
"I miss you," Willa said. "I hope you come back soon."
Addie broke, the sound of her sobs made me lean off the door frame and pace, restless. "I miss you too, Will. I have to go but I'll call again when Milo and Raine say it's okay."
"Are you okay?" Willa asked.
"Yeah, sweetie," she said, sounding anything but okay. "Talk soon, okay?"
"Okay. Bye."
She hung up and I couldn't look at the sadness in the same warm brown gaze as her mother. It was brutal, haunting and it made me full of self fucking hatred. I slammed the front door shut and got into the truck.
The front door flung open as I put the truck into reverse and Raine came outside, waving at me to stop. I wound the window down.
"Give her some time."
Staring out of the windshield, I gripped the steering wheel so tight, I could have snapped it off. As if Addie wasn't embedded into the four corners of my mind, she was embedded into everything else too. This car. The ghost of her presence was slinking back into the passenger seat, her hair billowing in the wind as we drove into town, her smile full as we talked or I held her hand on the center console. I could have sworn the scent of her soft hair was in the seat fibers.
"She needs time," Raine said, leaning into the window. "This is bigger than you and her. She needs to get her life in order, Zac. Let her get her shit together before you attempt to win her over. She can't be the best version of herself if she's lugging all that baggage around."
"She needs someone to be there for her."
"Let that person be a friend for now."
I looked at her. "You?"
"I'm going to do my best."
My chest ached, an ache that spread, seeping into my head, my joints, my bloodstream. I'd never felt more sure that emotion could put a person into physical shut down. The best thing for Addie was healing. She needed that, more than she needed me. As much as I wanted to be the person that kissed her pain better, Raine was right. She needed more than me, right now.
"Can you tell her to call me when she's ready?"
Raine nodded. "I will."
That was all I could hear right now. I reversed out of her drive, ignoring the sad stare she gave me from where she stood. Whatever happened next, I knew that Addie had my heart and she could keep it, no matter how long it took for her to come back.