"I'm sorry."
Ilang minuto din siguro bago ako nakasagot sa kanya.
I saw how his face fell. Unti-unti niya rin binitawan ang mga kamay ko. I looked at him apologetically. I wasn't good with rejections. Probably, because I never rejected anyone ever. Hindi naman kase ako ligawin. I heard some people saying they wanted to, but they think I look suplada or something that's why they back off. Hindi naman talaga ako ganon.
"Look, I know I liked you before... pero kase, hindi na ikaw ang gusto ko ngayon." dahan-dahan kong sabi.
He became my friend at some point kaya naman ayaw kong siya saktan. Pero kahit pagandahin ko naman ang sasabihin ko sa kanya, alam ko wala rin. Masasaktan at masasaktan pa rin siya.
Malungkot siyang ngumiti sa akin. "So you like someone else huh?" he asked, his voice laced with pain.
Hindi ko alam.
Magulo pa, honestly.
"Maybe...?" I said. "Everything's still confusing to me."
He nodded. "Who?" he curiously asked. He chuckled a bit. "He's a competition, I have to know who it is, Lia."
Pinagisipan ko tuloy kung sasabihin ko sa kanya, but that would only make it worse. I rejected him, then sasabihin ko sa kanya sino yung nagugustuhan ko ngayon? Ang insensitive naman non. Besides, halos same circle pa ata sila since basketball player rin siya.
"Sorry... I'm not comfortable saying who it is." sabi ko sa kanya.
He smiled again, though I could see it is not one of his genuine smiles. "It's okay, I won't force you."
Ngumiti ako sa kanya. I'm glad we are on the same page on this one.
"But... I still won't give up." he said. "Don't worry. I won't force you to like me. Hindi rin kita kukulitin. Hindi rin ako magpapakita sa 'yo kung ayaw mo. I also won't talk to you if you don't want to talk to me. I'm just here... I'm here if you need me. I'm here if you need to talk to anyone."
Nawala ang ngiti ko sa sinabi niya. What should I say?
"Besides you liked me once, who says you can't like me twice?" he added a hint of hope in his voice.
"Kale naman..."
"What? It's true. Don't worry about it too much, Lia. I chose this. Kaya papanindigan ko 'to. It's my fault that I'm in this situation anyway." he says.
I was about to say something but then I saw Elijah walking toward us. Agad niya rin kaming napansin. He waved his hand at me.
"There you are! I was looking all over the place for you guys!" Elijah says slowly approaching for us. Lumingon si Kale sa kanya. "Oh, I see. You're talking. Did I disturb anything?" he asked.
Nagkatinginan kami ni Kale. Parehas naman kami napangiti. I saw how Elijah smirked. He probably thinks there's something going on between the two of us.
Nakita ko naman si Gray na lumabas ng restroom, napansin naman din siya agad ni Elijah.
"Gray! My man!" he says raising his hand for a handshake from Gray. Ngumiti naman si Gray at nakipag handshake kay Elijah. I'm guessing they know each other from basketball too or maybe because of Prince. Whoever is friends with Prince is introduced to everyone. Nakakapagtaka lang. How come, hindi talaga siya nakilala ni Emma? How come, I never really saw him before?
Inalalayan naman ako ni Kale na tumayo. I smiled at him and mouthed thanks. Lumapit kami kina Gray. Napatingin naman silang dalawa sa amin. Napansin ko naman agad ang tingin ni Gray sa kamay namin ni Kale na magkahawak. Agad ko naman binawi yun. Baka kung ano pa isipin niya.
"Woah, may bagong couple na tayo?" Elijah teased.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Tumawa naman si Kale. "Wala, bro. Basted."
Natawa naman si Elijah. "Bro, ikaw lang ata ang nakita kong basted na nakangiti pa."
"Well, I'm not gonna give up." he says casually. "Hindi naman ako totally basted. She liked me once, she can like me again." he said, glancing at me.
I suddenly felt awkward in this conversation. Nakita ko naman ang mapanuksong ngiti ni Elijah. "Lia, pasensya na sa kaibigan kong torpe. Naunahan na ata siya, tama ba ako?" he inquired.
I laughed. "Hindi pa naman,"
"Oh, bro. Hindi pa naman daw. May chance pa. Pagbutihin mo!" sabay tapik sa balikat ni Kale. He glanced at Gray. "Tama ba ako, Gray?" he asked him.
Tumango naman si Gray. "Tama."
Napawi naman ang ngiti ko dun. So, okay lang sa kanya na mapunta ako sa iba? Aray, ang sakit naman non.
Bumalik na rin kami sa loob dahil magtatapos na. Meron din after party. Pero mukhang di ako makakapunta because I'm underage. Seventeen palang ako, kaya hindi ako makakasama. Mga next week pa kase ako mag eighteen.
"Hey, we can actually do something about your age. Sumama ka na!" pamimilit sa akin ni Emma.
I smiled at her. "Emma, I'm tired. Kaya ko naman umuwi mag-isa." I replied.
"Pahatid nalang kita kay manong, I'm sure he won't mind—"
"Wag na. Just enjoy your night. Dali na oh, kasama mo si Prince." I said, glancing at him talking to Kale.
She pouted. "But I want my bestfriend there..." she sadly said.
Tumawa ako. "Okay lang yan! Just tell me all about it, next sleepover. You can enjoy naman without me!" I encouraged her.
She sighed. "Sige na nga! Ingat ka ha! Message me, when you're home!"
I nodded, "I will. Dali na, sama ka sa kanila." I told her.
She hugged me tightly before she ran off to them. Nagsimula naman ako magbook nung napansin ko si Gray na nasa tabi ko na.
"Di ka kasama sa after party?" I asked.
Napatingin naman siya sa akin bago umiling. "Kailangan ko na umuwi, walang mag-aalaga kay Grazielle, night shift pa naman." he reasoned out. I nodded. "Ikaw?"
"Ah. Hindi pwede. Underage pa kase ako. Seventeen palang." sabi ko.
Tumango siya. Naisipan ko naman na magsabay nalang siguro kami since doon din naman daan papunta sa amin.
"Sabay na tayo? Hati nalang, gaya dati." I smiled.
Ngumiti siya. Mabilis naman ako nadistract sa ayos niya ngayon. He's wearing a suit. Different from his usual attire in school. Maski ang buhok niya, iba rin. Mas gwapo nga siya ngayon na nakaayos siya.
"Sige. Para makatipid na rin." sagot niya.
Nilagay ko naman na ang location niya at dinagdag na ang akin. Maya't maya dumating na rin yung sasakyan namin. Lalakad na sana ako papuntang sasakyan pero binuksan niya naman yung backseat para sa akin. Napatingin tuloy ako sa kanya. Ngumiti lang naman siya.
"Ah, thank you." I awkwardly said at pumasok na. Sinira niya rin agad yun at sa harap na siya umupo.
The whole ride, no one is talking. Hindi ko rin naman inaasahan na mag-uusap kami. Nakatingin nalang ako sa labas para hindi ko na siya sulyapan pa sa harap. Pinagisipan ko naman ang sinabi ni Kale. Iba rin talaga ang fate ano? I liked him first, tas kung kailan ko siya hindi ko na siya gusto saka naman niya ako magugustuhan.
Sa totoo lang, hindi naman talaga ako naniniwala sa ganon. Sa fate, destiny or whatever. Ang akin lang, if narealize mo pala na gusto mo yung tao. Dapat mo pa bang hintayin na mangyari? I guess, that's what Kale meant. He will still pursue me kahit na alam niyang posibleng may gusto na akong iba.
"Lia, oh." sabi niya sabay abot ng bayad niya sa akin. I snapped back to reality at tinanggap ko agad yun. Malapit na kase kami sa bahay nila.
Pagdating naman sa bahay nila, lumingon uli siya sa akin. "Ingat."
Ngumiti lang ako. He turned to the driver. "Kuya, kayo na bahala sa kanya. Paki-ingatan nalang po." paalala niya sa driver.
"Ay, oo sir. Papakasalan mo pa diba?" The driver teased. Namula naman ang mukha ko. Hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi nung driver. Buti nalang talaga madilim.
Gray chuckled. "Hindi ko po siya girlfriend, blockmate lang po. Sige, ingat po kayo. Ingat, Lia. Bye!" sabi niya at bumaba na ng sasakyan.
"Olats ba, maam? Na-blockmate zoned ka ata," sabi nung kuya sabay tumawa. Naalala ko tuloy yung last grab driver din na tinukso ako kay Gray at Mason. Pakiramdam ko tuloy iisa lang sila.
"Kuya naman," sabi ko.
Umiling-iling nalang siya na natatawa at bumalik na sa pagdrive. The whole ride home, I was pouting. Paulit-ulit sa utak ko yung sinabi niya na blockmate lang ako. Hindi man lang friend, talagang blockmate lang po!
Pagdating ko sa bahay, nagtagal lang ako ng makeup at inayos ang sarili sa pagtulog. Umupo din ako sa kama para panoorin yung mga stories nina Emma. I laughed as I saw them pour a bottle to Emma's mouth! How I wish I was there... pero bawal talaga kase underage pa ako. I just dropped a message to Emma before I sleep at baka mag-alala siya. Dramatic pa naman siya.
I slept peacefully that night. Pag-gising ko naman lumabas ako agad para uminom ng gatas. I just felt like drinking it this morning. I was about to drink from my cup nung narinig ko ang tawanan mula sa kwarto ni Mama. I just rolled my eyes at uminom nalang.
Pabalik na ako sa kwarto nung lumabas si Mama sa kwarto niya and just as I expected, nandun si Tito Remy kasama niya. Napawi naman ang ngiti niya at nanlaki ang mata niya nung nakita niya ako. I don't know what's the point of making it as a secret. Alam ko na rin naman.
"A-anak, akala ko hindi ka uuwi?" she asked, medyo nauutal pa. Tito Remy was behind her, he was surprised as well.
"Wala naman po ako sinabing hindi po ako uuwi diba?" walang gana kong sagot. I tried to smile a little. "Balik na po ako sa kwarto."
Pagbalik ko sa kwarto, magsasalita pa sana si Mama pero sinarado ko na agad yun at ni-lock ang pinto. I don't wanna deal with them. Gagawin ko nalang 'tong mga assignments ko. Wala naman kaming pasok ngayon kaya ibubuhos ko nalang lahat ng 'to sa mga schoolworks. At least, productive pa.
When I finished everything, I decided to go out. I need to breathe. Para kahit papaano naman, hindi ko ramdam na nasasakal ako. Ewan ko, minsan kase ganon ang pakiramdam ko. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa lagi akong nakakulong dito sa kwarto ko, oh ano.
Naligo naman ako at nagbihis. I wore my favorite oversized white shirt and black high waisted shorts. I also wore a simple cheek tint and a lipstick that fits the natural color of my lips. Nilugay ko lang din ang buhok ko. Kinuha ko rin ang shoulder bag ko at lumabas na ng kwarto.
Paglabas ko ng kwarto, nandun si Mama, mag-isa. Nagkakape.
"Oh, aalis ka?" she asked, noticing that I am all dressed up.
"Yes. Don't worry. I'll text you, when I'm going home na." sabi ko at lumabas na kaagad pagsuot ng puti kong sapatos.
I went to the nearest and biggest mall para hindi gaano hassle paguwi. Kainis pa naman kase pag rush hour. Inaabot na ata ako ng mga 3 hrs kakahintay. Hindi pa naman ganon ka tibay ang patience ko.
Ang habol ko lang naman is café. I like it when I go to a cafe. Not because, it's instagrammable or something but because of the ambience. Ang calming lang kase. Sarap din mag-aral. I wonder if I can actually still pursue becoming a doctor? Mukhang out of the table na kase yun para sa akin eh.
I ordered a milkshake and sat in the best spot. I also brought a book so that no one will bother me. Naglagay din ako ng earphones, although nothing's playing talaga dahil hindi ko kaya magbasa with my earphones on. It distracts me, since hindi suitable for reading yung music choices ko.
Nahagip naman ng paningin ko ang pag-galaw nung upuan sa harap ko. I was about to complain nung nakita ko si Kale sa harap ko. He was smiling at me. Binaba ko naman agad ang libre ko and smiled at him.
"Is this seat taken?" he asked.
"No. Go ahead!" I told him.
Umupo naman siya agad. "Madalas ka dito?" tanong niya.
I started to remember why I liked Kale. He's handsome. Maputi siya, matangkad, matangos ang ilong and his jaw had a perfect shape that I never thought I could see someone have! When I look at his eyes, it just seems so dreamy! He also had this charm that could sweep girls off their feet. Most especially, when he's playing basketball. Isa pa dun, he's got a sense of humor and he's also smart! I wasn't sure kung saan talaga ako nagkagusto sa kanya. Is it his face or his attitude?
I suddenly remembered how Gray looked. Just like Kale, he's maputi, matangkad, and his eyes had a different eye color which made him different from the rest of the guys in school. He also had a perfect nose, and a perfect face shape. He also had the same sense of humor and he had that friendly vibe. Too friendly, I think dahil madalas siyang masabihan na pa-fall ng mga kaibigan niya. Pati rin ata ako nabiktima na rin non.
I suddenly remembered the ride last night. How he called me, 'blockmate'. I won't admit it to myself but that kinda hurt a little! It means he never even considered me as a friend.
"How's the after party?" I asked, removing my earphones napatawa naman siya nung nakita na hindi ito nakadikit sa phone ko.
"Do you always do that?" he asked, pertaining to the earphones.
"Oh. Yea. Sometimes, some random guys start to flirt and it just distracts me, so I just pretend I have my earphones on, so they wouldn't bother me." I told him.
He slowly nodded. "Couldn't blame them for flirting with you, you're pretty eye-catching." he said and grinned at me.
I rolled my eyes at him. Muntik ko na siyang hampasin ng book ko!
"Binola mo pa ako."
"What it's true!" he exclaims.
I chuckled. "Anyways, back to the topic."
"Right. It was fun. I prefer you were there though, too bad you're still underage." he gave me a sad expression. Natawa naman ako dahil mukha talaga siyang nakakaawa na ewan.
Umiling nalang ako at hindi mapigilan ngumiti. "Ewan ko sayo."
"Anyways, why are you here?" he asked. He pouted. May napansin ata siya sa mga mata ko. "Alone? Your eyes also look so lonely," he says staring at them.
"What? No! I'm not. I'm okay!" tanggi ko. I'm still not comfortable talking about that. I'd rather keep it on my own than talk about that. Kung kailangan ko naman ng kausap si Emma, pwede naman siya.
Nanatili naman siyang nakatitig sa akin. Hindi niya rin inaalis ang tingin niya. Nagsisimula naman ako ma-conscious.
"Stop staring at me," I muttered.
Umiwas naman siya ng tingin. "Sorry. I'm just so distracted... by you." he uttered the last words in an inaudible tone but I still heard it.
I sighed. A lot of things have been going on in my mind right now. Alam ko naman din sa sarili ko na I'm okay with it... or rather am I actually just pretending to be okay with it? I don't know. I am confused. Do I really wanna vent out?
"Do you wanna hear the story of my friend?" I asked.
His brows raised up, unti-unti rin naman siyang tumango.
"Well, this friend of mine, she grew up with a happy family living the life of a princess. With a mom and a dad. Then, one day, her fairy tale ended. Her parents realized they weren't really meant for each other. Which means that they didn't love each other at all. So, my friend was of course, sad. Slowly, she realized that her life wasn't a fairy tale. That she wasn't really a princess who can get everything she wanted. She realized that life, has its own ways of putting you into a situation you don't really like. You just have to deal with it. Accept it. Now, she saw her mom, happy with another guy besides her father." I stopped trying to put on a smile.
"She just didn't know what to feel about it. The guy is nice and all, but she feels like if they do end up together and her dad ends up with someone too, then she'll be all alone. She'll be left out. That everyday living in her house feels like it's eating her all up. It feels suffocating. She also feels sad that she didn't get to take the course she wanted to take, now she's very worried for her dreams." I nervously chuckled.
I was just looking down the whole time. It feels good to finally let it out. It felt like my heart was cleared or something. It felt lighter. "And that's the not-so-fairytale life of my friend." I finished and smiled.
I could sensed that he listened intently to the story. Hindi man lang siya kumarap. He listened to every word I said. I think we both know its really my story instead of my friend. He just played along with what I wanted.
"Wow. I don't know what to say." he says. "I feel sorry for your friend."
I smiled. "Don't be. It's not your fault."
He looked down before facing me again. "Have your friend ever tried to tell her parents what she feels?" he asked. "It helps, you know. When I get problems with my parents or siblings I just tell them and we find out a way to solve it."
"Well, it's not really that easy for my friend." I said. "You see, her mother controls all decisions. Going against her would mean facing some consequences too. It's... kinda hard really, she told me." I gulped.
He looked at my hand that's resting on the table. "Can I hold your hand for your friend? Just to show her that I will be here for her no matter what?" he says.
I bit my lip, thinking about it. I slowly nodded. He gave me a small smile and squeezed my hand.
"Tell her, that whatever it is that she's going through, I will always be here for her. That she doesn't need to worry about being alone, anymore because I'm here now. I'm here and I would stick to her through thick and thin." he smiled.
I smiled back. "I'll make sure she gets that."
I felt a little lighter now. Thanks to Kale's comforting words. Bumitaw din naman siya sa kamay ko. He just thinks that maybe I'm not really comfortable with it.
"Do you wanna go out? Roam around?" he asked.
"Sure," I replied.
I finished my milkshake first before roaming around the mall with him. We tried to catch up. He just told me a lot of stories about his encounters in his course and how Emma hates him so much. I also asked him why Emma hates him so much till this day and he said he doesn't really know.
Umupo kami sa may bench sandali dahil medyo napagod din kami sa kalalakad. I didn't even recognize the time! It's already 7pm.
"Wanna walk again? Or you're hungry?" he asked.
"Hmm. The latter." I giggled.
We walked again to find a restaurant. Sabi ko, kahit sa fast food nalang. Papasok palang kami sa isang burger restaurant nung may narinig akong tumawag sa pangalan ko.
"Liliana!" the voice shouted.
Napalingon naman ako at nakita si Lester, Derek at si... Gray na nakatingin sa amin. Napalingon na rin si Kale sa kanila.
Lester and Derek grinned habang papalapit sa amin habang si Gray naman ay seryoso lang na nakatingin.
"Hi, Lia! Kamusta enjoy ba?" tanong ni Lester, while wiggling his eyebrows.
I gestured to him that it's not a date. Nagkatinginan naman sila ni Derek at parang natatawa pa.
"Pakilala mo naman kami," he told me. I looked at Kale and smiled. Ngumiti lang din naman siya sa kanila. I suddenly remembered that he's the guy on my lockscreen! Oh, damn!
"Hi, I'm Kale." pakilala ni Kale sa sarili niya.
Nagtaas naman ng kamay si Lester sa kanya para sa high five. "Lester, pare." Tinanggap naman yun ni Kale. "Ako naman si Derek." sabi ni Derek at nakipag-high five rin kay Kale. Napatingin naman ang dalawa kay Gray. Hindi naman din siya kumikibo, dahil magkakilala naman sila.
"Gray Castellano. Yeah, I know him." sabi lang ni Kale.
Nagkatinginan naman si Lester at Derek na para bang may naintindihan sila. "Oh, siya. Mauna na kami. Enjoy, Lia," they said, to tease me. Hinila din nila si Gray palayo. Hindi man lang siya nagsalita o kumibo. He looked like a statue this whole time.
"Let's go?" Kale asked.
I nodded.
Before we could go inside the restaurant, I looked back one last time again just to see him.