Why am I unable to wake up? Am I truly this weak now? I feel as if I am trapped here, in my own memories. Suddenly he was sweeping through the skies of Heaven on powerful wings, his form not contained within a fragile, confining vessel. Longing nearly overwhelmed him. Home, my wings. What's an angel without it's wings? Without it's own Grace? What am I doing still on Earth? How much longer must the inevitable be delayed?
"Castiel."
That voice...he pulled up short, wings flexing to allow him to hover. This isn't a memory. "Father?" Power flowed around him, the purity of it filling him with a sense of rapture and love. He was home and Father was here, finally, after so long, "Father."
"Yes, Castiel, it's me. How many questions you have my dearest child! Do you have a preference in which order they are answered?"
"You, you're...." he knew that Father could hear his thoughts which had erupted into incoherence, "Please...I....Forgive..."
"Shh. There is nothing to forgive." For some reason Father's voice sounded familiar yet different from how he remembered hearing it when he was first created. Of course that had been eons ago, but still, it reminded him of someone he'd heard recently. "You're fading Castiel, you have stolen another angel's Grace."
"Two actually. This one Crowley put in me, the other, well I stole that one but he was trying to kill me."
"Crowley? The King of Hell saved you?" The sense of power shifted and spun around him and Father took a more distinct form. His face was gentle, Castiel had expected anger, righteous rage, but what he saw was a being who radiated such endless regret and kindness that Castiel had no idea how to proceed. "Why would he do that?"
Prompted by Father's question his mind got back on track, "Dean Winchester had turned into a demon that proved to be too unruly for even the King to control. Crowley saved me so I could help save Dean."
"Did you?"
"Yes."
"Of course, you have saved Dean Winchester since time immemorial. It pleases me that even after everything you still stay true to your ultimate mission."
"Ultimate mission?" He had never heard of such a thing.
"Yes." Father sighed, "So much to say, so little time. Castiel, certain souls, certain people, they are to be protected at all costs."
"Prophets, yes I understand."
"Not just them. You know that Sam and Dean were fated for this role but you don't know for how long nor do you truly understand what role you have played in their lives. All of your disobediences, well most of them," Father chuckled, "Were as a result of what your ulitmate mission has always been, to make sure Sam and Dean were born and then to protect them. Let me show you." Father's hand touched his forehead, his mind filled with connections, families and bloodlines.
"That village I saved? Those men I helped? That woman's child? I was punished for saving it. They?" The immensity of it rippled through him.
"Yes Castiel, all ancestors of Sam and Dean."
"But..."
Father sighed again and looked away from him. "The short and very imprecise answer is this. Yes, I am powerful, yes I could change things but I learned after Lucifer, the Fall and the things that followed that the more I tried to force angels or man to do my bidding the more they fought against it. Castiel, I withdrew because I grew tired of punishing, of destroying, of telling my angelic children to destroy my human ones because they offended me. I created things in my image and even I have disagreements with myself about what I should do. How can I hold my creations to a different standard than I hold myself to?"
His mind froze, he could barely comprehend the words Father was speaking. "Our orders then. Who did they come from if not you?"
"The archangels mostly. I gave them a rough idea of what should be done but over time I even stopped doing that. Michael would interpret it one way and Gabriel another." Father rolled his eyes, "They never agreed and truly they are nearly as powerful as I am. Michael seemed more interested in running things so after a time I left things to him. Some things however, I did not leave to him. You and the Winchesters were one of them."
He tried to make sense of what Father was telling him, "Did you know the Winchesters would fight their fate as vessels?"
A sly smile crossed Father's face, "Just because they have the capability to be vessels does not mean they have to consent, does it?"
"That is hardly an answer," he snapped and then remembered just to whom he was speaking, "Father, I'm."
Father laughed, "That Winchester influence is strong I see. Let's say I had a hunch. Before you ask, the Apocalypse as written wasn't written by me. Yes, I built the Cage that holds Lucifer and the seals. I knew eventually he would break free which is why the Winchesters and others were so important and why when I created you I placed the desire to protect them at the very deepest core of who you are. At first it was just protect humans, then I modified it over time to protect the brothers." Father's face grew somber, "What I didn't know was how much it would affect you. I didn't know about Naomi and her abuses, or many of the other things that happened. It is I who should be asking you for forgiveness."
Emotions that he only thought humans were capable of immobilized him, their intensity made him react out of sheer terror, he pulled his wings in close and dove away from Father, plummeting towards Earth and away from Heaven. There never was any order, never a mission, never a Father. It was all lies! We were all deceived! He abandoned us then he let the archangels turn us into pawns for their own purposes. All that we suffered, all the deaths, they have all been for nothing. We were never protecting a greater plan! Father asking me for forgiveness! When he has betrayed us all! How! Why?
"Castiel! Stop!" Father's voice, he fought reacting to it but this voice he couldn't disobey. He slowed his descent and eventually stopped. He may have to stop but he didn't have to speak to Father, nor look at him. Father did not join him but his voice filled Castiel's mind.
"I did not tell you these things to hurt you further, although I knew they would. I wanted you to understand so you can make the next choice that is in front of you with a clearer conscience. You see yourself as tainted Castiel, as unworthy of Heaven but that is hardly the case."
"It matters not what I know Father," he snarled back, "It is what they know, you know what I did. Unless you come back and explain all of this to them I still bear the stain of the slaughters I perpetrated because I tried to replace you! Not even your forgiveness will change how I feel."
"Then you should understand why I left better than any of the others. Shouldn't you?"
Try as he might he could not hold onto the anger, Father was right. I can blame the Leviathans but it was my pride that let them in and my desires to control that they fed off of. I tried to be God. I was wasn't I? I was the God that Father chose to stop being. The dictator, the oppressor. The more I tried to make the angels see that I was right, the worse it got. He raised his eyes and saw Father standing above him. "Yes. I guess I should. What choices are you trying to prepare me for Father?"
"The choice to be a full angel again but abandon Earth, to stay on Earth with the brothers as a human or to allow yourself to fade, never to return. I saved you before because Sam did not deserve to rot in the Cage after his saving of humanity. Metatron did not lie. There is some of your Grace left Castiel but..."
"But Sam and Dean have accomplished what I needed to protect them for so they are to be left to bear this burden alone?"
Father's face hardened at his accusation, "Castiel, Dean chose to take the Mark of Cain and Crowley brought him back. We have saved him from Hell once yet he insists on throwing himself back in. I care for him, I do, but Hannah had a point and you know it. Angels should not be walking the earth, you had to because of Lucifer but now? That was the one thing Michael and I agreed on, The more we interefered with humans the worse it became for everyone. Look at what happened when all of you lost sight of that? Metatron devastated Heaven."
"Which you could have stopped Father!"
"You could have simply destroyed the Angel tablet as soon as you found it," Father countered, "You didn't. Why?"
"It's your Word! I was to protect it at all costs and I tried."
"So," Father circled around him, "I should have destroyed my scribe, winnowed through the angels that worked for him, including you, destroying them and then hide the tablets that everyone, including the King of Hell now knows exist and somehow that would have solved the problem? You think there are no other angels that have designs on being God? Demons that are worse than Crowley that would fill the spot he left behind after I destroyed him."
"Yes! The angels would have followed you since there is no one else left!"
"Truly? Castiel, there was hardly anyone in power left when you tried to take my place. Did they all fall in behind you?"
"No, but you are Father!"
Father put his hands on his shoulders and stared him down. He was forced to avert his eyes as Father's power slammed into him. "Yes, and you know I am and yet you still stand here and argue with me. Do you not?"
He found he had no answer for that.