Warnings: Sad boi hours , hurt/comfort, depressed (Y/N), body image issues, almost anxiety attack???, cussing
--
Depression was a constant state of being. A constant level of low that had three layers. Dim, gray and light. Most days you floated on light. Nothing was wrong on those days, but nothing was good. You smiled without having to force it, but it wasn't exactly happy. Today though...today was a dim day. You woke up in the morning and you just didn't want to get up. Now it wasn't like anything had necessarily caused you to feel this way. It was just something that happened. Think of it as a ocean. You are stuck on a raft in the middle of the ocean and sometimes the water is calm and beautiful and nice to look at. Some days its monotone and gray. And other days it stormed. It stormed and shook the little raft the only thing keeping you steady and afloat. It rocked and threatened to tip and throw you off. Sometimes you did get thrown off. Sometimes you almost drowned. But there was always a rope there. Always someone there to hold that rope and keep you steady. Someone there to pull you back up out of the dark and away from the freezing cold. All you had to do was call out for help. But it was a little hard when your lungs were filled with water.
So you forced yourself out of bed. You forced yourself to take a shower and brush your teeth and look presentable for your day. You forced yourself to go to work and to hangout with your friends like you'd planned just yesterday. You forced a smile on your lips when customers smiled at you. It didn't reach your eyes though. You were so tired. You wanted to sleep. Sleep and never wake up. You wanted to isolate yourself. Hide away, leave reality for a while. Get lost in your own world. Get lost in the gray storm that rocked your little raft. But at the same time you wanted comfort. You wanted to be held and you wanted to be rocked and babied. You knew any one of your friends could and would, without hesitation, give it to you. They'd cuddle you into oblivion, yet somehow you didn't want it from them. Your fickle mind was trying to trick you.
You sighed and stepped out of the car. You knew when you actually saw your friends you wouldn't regret it. Maybe some drinks would help. It's loosen up your mind and your muscles and your tongue. You wanted-no-needed to talk to someone. You opened the door to the restaurant and was briefly overwhelmed by all the noises and the sheer size of the place. It was a nice restaurant. It only allowed in people with reserved seating and waiters dressed in crisp white outfits milling around. It was a white and gold theme and for a second you were sure you accidentally walked all the up to Mount Olympus.
You cleared your mind and breathed deeply trying not to let all the stimulation get to you. Your friend Taehyung had reserved seating the other day so the table should already be down on the list. You asked the person standing up front about a reservation for Mr. Kim Taehyung and she informed you that your friends had already arrived. You were lead across the marble floors to a small table in the back of the restaurant. It sat next to a small indoor water fountain and some pretty potted plants. Your gaze flicked to the three others sitting at the table and you smiled your first genuine smile since you woke up this morning. Your boys knew exactly where to sit you at the table and exactly where to sit in the restaurant so that you'd be comfortable.
The seat next to your best friend and oh so obvious crush was open. The waiter stopped in front of the table and offered you a short 'good day' before departing. Your friends immediately looked up and the first thing your eyes caught was that of a small boxy grin, then the wide eyes of your resident baby bunny, and last the happy squinting eyes of that crush of yours.
"(Y/N)-noona! Hi, don't worry we haven't ordered yet. We were waiting for you." Taehyung spat out rapidly. He very much reminded you of a puppy. He was so excitable. These boys were your heart and your heart knew it. Your depression didn't fuck around when they were here. You felt the mental exhaustion and the residual numbness of your day melt away. Jimin stood up to let you slide into the booth. You scooted over till you were across the table from Jungkook and nodded in appreciated when the maknae handed you a menu. Jimin slid in after you and shifted so his arm rested across the back of the booth behind you.
"Thank you for waiting," you hummed, "Work was a bitch."
You saw Jungkook pout at you sadly, "Aw, why?"
"It was just one of those days, you know. Didn't wanna get out of bed. Didn't wanna work. I was tired the whole day too...I almost canceled."
You could tell that at your confession the mood darkened. You mentally cursed yourself for it. Today was supposed to be fun. Maybe talking wasn't such a good idea?
"But, I'm better now!" you assured quickly. And it was the truth, "You guys really help me calm down."
All of you frequently talked to each other about deep concepts and feelings. Sometimes even dark topics. You all really cared for each other, but even so, sharing such raw and true emotion left you blushing and scarily bare feeling.
Jimin, although frowning, said, "Good." and scooted in closer to you. You breathed out a puff of air and adjusted so that you were leaning into his chest. Skinship such as this between the four of you wasn't uncommon. You cuddled all the boys just as much as they cuddled each other, but that didn't stop people from looking at all of you weirdly when you guys did though. At that you started looking through your menu and the boys started up whatever conversation they'd been having before you arrived. You quickly chose what you wanted from the menu then set it down before sitting back and watching your boys interact. They had been your closest family almost forever. Jimin, Tae and you went all the way back to high school. While they had gone somewhere after their high school years, you somehow had gotten stuck with some stupid office job. You had really wanted to go into the music industry. A producer, a singer, maybe even try out the K-Pop area yourself. However that wasn't how it went.
You were lucky however to have met the people you did. Maybe you weren't in the music industry, but you'd say you got pretty damn close. Being friends with the biggest boy band in the world was a huge thing. You couldn't be more content if you were honest. Through your two high school friends you'd met all the other members, but being how young you were compared to the hyung line you'd immediately attached yourself to Jungkook. You two had gotten along from the very start. You yourself being a video game nerd. Of course you got along well with the hyung line. Namjoon took it upon himself to become your brother figure and all the others you couldn't help but respect. Yoongi especially, because he was everything you wanted to be. A producer and a musical genius. Meanwhile you and Seokjin and Hoseok were quite possible the biggest crackhead trio ever. When you were with them it was hell for any poor soul nearby. Dad jokes for days and just pure silliness all around. Tae was your brother. All though you were the same age he'd always felt like your younger brother. Hence the reason he'd so loudly called out 'noona' earlier.
You and Jimin though...there was something about that boy. He was the sweetest man you'd ever known. He was full of spirit and unconditional love. He loved with his all and he never would ask anyone to change. He was pure and strong and he was the emotionally intelligent person you knew. What was not to love? He'd only ever treated you with kindness since you'd met. He never treated you different because your anti-social nature or your depression that really you hadn't ever tried to hide. For that reason you got bullied a lot. You were open about your feelings often and for some reason all people saw when they saw that you were hurting. Was to hurt you more. Maybe it was the fact that your feelings were too raw? They couldn't handle it? For whatever reason, they had bullied you and back then you'd never had a day a high school where you hadn't cried or had a panic attack. That all stopped when you met Jimin though. He'd soothed you with just a few words and a bright smile. He'd stolen your heart before you could blink.
The thoughts caused your cheeks to burn. You hated getting lost in your thoughts, especially around the boys because most of the time they drifted to your obsession with the pink haired boy. You were luckily saved by the waitress.
"Are you ready to order now?"
"Uhm, yes. I would like the samgyeopsol please?" you asked. The waitress nodded and looked to Jimin.
"The same please. Oh and..." he started to ask about one of the appetizers. You turned your head to Tae and Jungkook and giggled when you realized Tae was asking Jungkook what he wanted. One of you almost always ordered for the maknae. The poor boy was far too shy do it himself without dissolving into a stuttering mess.
Jimin turned back to you and frowned but you didn't notice. Once again you were too lost in your own world.
"Hey, (Y/N)?" He whispered to you leaning forward a bit, "Are you sure you are okay? You seem a little...aloof." You started in surprise at how close his voice sounded. You turned and saw how close he was to you. You paused to think about the answer to his question. Your day wasn't exactly perfect even if it was a bit better. Your heels on your feet were killing you, and still you wanted to sleep. You also knew the instant you left the restaurant and your boys all the intrusive thoughts and demons would be back. So you shrugged in response, answering Jimin's whispered question a little louder when you realized the waitress had left.
"I'm just tired. My feet hurt in these heels and I'm not really excited to go to bed tonight. I won't be able to sleep I don't think."
Jimin hummed and nodded. He understood the feeling. Paranoia wasn't something that was easily dealt with.
"Well, you could always come back with us? You haven't seen the hyungs in a while and Hoseok was pretty mad he wasn't invited tonight."
You smiled at him, "I wouldn't want to be a burden-"
"Yah~! Noona! You wouldn't be a burden!" It was Tae who butted in, "And besides, I'm sick and tired of getting beat by Jungkook every time we play video games. You need to kick his butt and humble him up a bit!"
You shook your head fondly at the eavesdropper. (Not that you even cared that he was listening. You hadn't really been trying to hide it.) You bit your lip and thought about it. You did miss the other boys and the dorm was like a second home to you. And honestly it was sounding a lot more comfortable than your own apartment right now.
"Can I...can I spend the night tonight?" you asked shyly.
"Of course, (Y/N/N). We wouldn't turn you away." Jungkook said.
Tae and Jimin nodded confirmation and let out a breath that you felt you'd been holding all day.
Just then your food arrived and you all dug in, reverting back to the playful banter you all usually participated in.
--
The walk out to your cars after dinner was full of laughter and jokes but when you broke away from the crowd to your car you were intercepted by Jimin. He snatched your keys out of your hands and ran to the drivers door and hopped in.
"Y-yah~! Jimin! Get back here! I was gonna drive!"
"No you aren't." he said matter-of-factly from his side of the car. You jogged up to the car and opened the door to slide into the passenger seat. You pouted at him and he giggled, his cheeks scrunching up.
"You're so moody...its cute." He leaned forward and pinched your cheeks. Your cheeks burned under the heat of his gaze. He thought you were cute? Jimin winked at you and turned back to push the keys in the car. By that time Tae and Kookie were already gone and it was really just you, Jimin and a few ornery taxis on the roads. The drive was mostly silent the only sound was the radio playing soft "slow jams", as the host on the station said, in the background. Silence with Jimin was almost always comfortable something about just having him next to made you content. He almost always drove with one hand on the wheel and he almost always used his free hand to touch you. Hand on your knee, behind your seat, in yours...
Most days it made you blush but tonight when his hand went to rest on your knee you almost moaned in relief. There never was really anything sexual about it. But there were definitely sparks. They drove straight through your stomach and into your heart and warmed you right up. You sat there casually for the rest of the drive your eyes droopy and head fuzzy. God, you were tired. You reached out to touch Jimin's hand to hold it, and he turned to look at you briefly. The smile on his face was fond.
"Tired?"
"Mmh, drowsy. Can't sleep though."
"We're almost there." he squeezed your hand as if he was going to pull away but he didn't. He kept his hand there the rest of the ride.
--
As it turned out, you could fall asleep because the next thing you remember were Jungkook picking you up from where you laid in the car to the house. You slapped his chest muttering that you had legs and that they were made to be walked on. The maknae only laughed at you.
"Why use legs when you have me?"
"You, huh?"
"Your night in shining armor, right?"
"My over-sized beefy bunny in shining armor more like." Your voice was quiet but still full of playfulness. You heard someone behind you snort on a laugh. You assumed it was Jimin. You were proved right when Jungkook stopped to let you Jimin pass the both of you and get the door. Jimin shifted you purse to his other hand to pull out the keys and you just watched him. Jimin was gorgeous. Now this wasn't anything particularly but it was something that just like to hit you in the face at random times. You got so caught up in looking at him you hardly noticed Jungkook start to move till he had to ask you to adjust so you didn't hit the door frame. Jungkook entered and was starting to walk to Jimin's room when you stopped him.
"Put me on the couch don't wanna go to bed yet." You addressed Jungkook again.
"Bossy, bossy." You slapped his chest again a bit more awake now.
Jungkook walked into the living room and you saw Namjoon in the corner on his chair with glasses and a book. He peeked over the edge of it when you and Jungkook entered the living room.
"Hi, Y/N." Namjoon greeted, "Getting a lift from the communal steed?"
"Yup!" You said with giggle loud enough to drown out the sound of Jungkook's indignant 'yah~!'
Jungkook feigned unceremoniously tossing you onto the couch, but set you down gently
"Noona's mean." He pouted. And flopped down beside you letting his head rest on your shoulder. He looked up at you with his doe eyes. You laughed a big smile breaking out on your face. Such a baby.
"Aish, you know I'm joking, bun." You ran your fingers through his hair softly letting the other two boys in the room see your soft spot for the brother-like figure just this once.
"Oh, but is she?" Seokjin appeared from the kitchen along with Taehyung who was stuffing his face with a pastry.
"Hyuuuuung!" The boys and you broke out laughing. Jimin followed Jungkook's lead an sat down on the other side of you. Seokjin sat at the farthest end of the couch that was closest to Joon and started up a conversation. Tae sat between your legs being careful not to look up your skirt and started taking off your high heels.
"Oooooh," you moaned once free of them. "Thank fuck those are gone you muttered," letting Tae massage your ankles.
Jimin chuckled at you and pulled you and Kookie closer. You're head was now on Jimin's chest and Jungkook shifted so that he was laying in your lap. You made sure to keep your legs closed tight. Jimin bent down to whisper in your ear and you hummed in confirmation.
He adjusted letting Tae take his place while he went to his room. Tae gave you a controller and you both began to play. It was a fairly easy game. One you didn't mind playing in your lazy state and one you also didn't mind losing. Tae really knew you well.
Jimin returned with a pair of his sweat pants and shirt that you were pretty sure belonged to Jin. You paused the game handing the controller off to a sleepy Jungkook and stood up. You sucked in a breath of air when your muscles tensed at the simple motion. Your feet were killing you and your back and shoulders were sore. God you hated work.
You pushed through it and made your way over to where Jimin stood in the hallway. He held the clothes out for you and you smiled.
"Thanks." He nodded and left you to go change. You heard him start up a conversation with the other maknaes as you walked down the hall. You reached the bathroom and knocked on the door a muffled shout came from the bathroom and you immediately recognized it as Yoongi's voice. You waited a few minutes for him to come out and when he did you smiled.
"Oh, Y/N. I didn't realize you were coming tonight." Yoongi pulled you in for a very short hug. He wasn't comfortable with hugs but ever since he learned you really liked them (only hugs from friends) he started giving you very short but genuine ones.
"I didn't really realize either. I think Tae might've kidnapped me if I said no." You really weren't upset though. You often times needed people to push you like that for you to actually step out of your comfort zone. Tae was really good at that.
Yoongi snorted, "Knowing Tae..." He took a quick look at the clothes in your hand and nodded at you by way of goodbye before departing towards the living room. You walked into the bathroom and shut the door. As soon as the lock slid into place you started shucking off your clothes. Finally.
You sighed and looked at yourself in the mirror. Your makeup had worn off so your eye bags were visible and your hair that was supposed to be in a bun vaguely resembled a rats nest. You stood in front of the mirror in just your bra and underwear and tried desperately not to judge yourself. It really was of no use. Intrusive thought were intrusive thoughts. Your eyes prickled with unshed tears and you let out a shaky sigh. You felt your chest tightening and you quickly reached down to turn on the sink and splash your face with water. You grabbed a hand towel and rubbed your face dry maybe a bit to hard.
We are NOT doing this right now, you told your body. We will not have an anxiety attack in the middle of your best friends' bathroom half naked. You had a feeling your body wasn't listening.
You almost screamed when someone startled you knocked on the door. The anxiety attack thing was briefly put out of your mind. You pressed your hand against your heart just to check if it was still beating and you glared at the door.
"Holy shit, you trying to give me a panic attack?" Its not like it would matter anyway. You were on the verge of one already.
"Sorry," Jimin's voice, "Are you okay? You're taking awhile in there." You were silent. "(Y/N), you there? Can I come in?" Could he? Did you want him to? Were you okay with him seeing you like this? He had seen worse...
"U-uhm," your voice shook. Shit, "Uh, h-hold on real quick." There was no hiding it now. He knew you well enough to know what the tremor in your voice meant. You snatched up the shirt from where you put it on the counter and threw it on. You pulled your hair out of the unintentionally messy bun, with quite a struggle make no mistake, and opened the door. You were still tying up your hair in a ponytail when Jimin's eyes met yours. He quietly walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Your hands dropped from your ponytail and nervously rubbed and pulled at each other. Jimin locked the door and without hesitation opened his arms for a hug. You stepped into it without a second thought. The floodgates opened and tears spilled over. You cried into his chest for who knows how long. By the time you were finished crying the position had changed and you were sitting on the floor in his lap. Jimin pulled back only once your sobs turned into small hiccups that only came ever few minutes.
"Oh, baby..." He murmured pulling down his sleeves to wipe away the remnant tears left on your puffy cheeks. "You're okay, sweetheart. I got you." You nodded at him unable to meet his eyes. He tucked his fingers under your chin so that he could guide your eyes to meet his. When you looked at him his eyes were dark and serious.He waited a second to make sure you were looking at him and then began to speak.
"This is okay, (Y/N). Its okay to cry, babe. I won't judge you, none of the boys would ever judge you. You don't have to be ashamed. This is good. This is healthy."
"I know, " you choked out, "I know its just-I can't help but feel that way. Its like when my chest starts to feel tight. An-and I c-can't breathe...it feels like there's something wrong with me. Like-like I'm a freak."
"You are not a freak, sweetheart. This is normal. I'm here to help you-," Jimin stopped when your head dropped back down, "Hey, baby. Look at me. This is important." You forced your gaze upward not quite sure what was making you want to hide.
"I'm here for you, baby. The boys are here for you. You are normal and you are beautiful and you are so good. You have the kindest heart. Don't hide from me anymore, yeah? Let me help you next time. Call me in here next time, okay?" He stroked your cheek softly. Oh so softly. When your eyes met again his gaze was soft too. Your heart hurt. It felt like it was going to combust. I love you. God, I love you, I love you, I love you. You wanted to tell him. You wanted to let him know that you loved it when he called you baby. Loved it when he held your hand. You wanted him to know that you love his hugs and his jokes and his kindness. You were so scared though.
You leaned into him all of a sudden. You were very suddenly desperate for more contact. You pressing your face against his neck and looped your arms around his shoulders. Jimin cooed at you rubbing your back in small circles. You were crying again. You weren't sure if Jimin didn't realize or if he just knew that these weren't necessarily sad tears. Just emotional and overwhelmed tears. Your mouth then started moving without your consent. Your voice was hoarse and nearly inaudible but you knew he heard. Thank yous poured from your lips and Jimin just hummed. You weren't quite sure when those 'thank you's turned into different words but you knew exactly when the 'I love you' slipped out. Jimin tensed. That was the one phrase the both of you never said. You were never exactly sure why Jimin avoided it but you knew why you did.
It was too intense. You were already really close with Jimin but an I love you could always be mistaken for something else with the relationship you had. You were always afraid that if you said it and meant it platonically he might actually take it as a confession. You did like him like that but it was too risky to just say it an only mean it as something friendly. The words hit too close to home.
"What?" Jimin asked softly. You pulled back sharply almost hitting Jimin's chin on the way up.
"N-nothing!" You said a little bit to fast. You tried to stand up but Jimin's hands shot to your hips and held you firmly in his lap.
"Baby...what did you say?" his voice was careful and wary.
"I-I..." your body sagged in defeat, "I love you. Not platonically. I love you romantically and I have for a while..." It was quiet for a second, "I didn't mean to I swear. It's just... your really easy to love."
Jimin was still silent.
"J-Jimin? Say something, please?" You laughed uneasily afterwards. Shifting a little in his lap. His grip was still firm.
"You mean it?"
"What?"
"You're not joking with me, right?"
"N-no, I would never, Jimin-"
"I love you, too."
That shut you up real quick. You blinked and both of you just stared at each other for a few seconds. It was surreal. Everything about it. The fact that only moments ago you were crying. The fact that you were sitting in his lap. The fact that he had said it back. Oh my god. He said it back.
You weren't sure who moved first but you were kissing him. It was desperate and harsh at first. It was gasps and groans and the release of years worth of tension finally breaking. Your tongues and teeth clashed against each other and you felt Jimin's hands on your hips tighten in a bruising, vice like grip. Your grip wasn't much nicer where the sat in his hair. You felt like you were drowning and flying at the same time. The exhilaration was too much and too little. And you were hot and cold and-
You broke apart from him eyes slipping closed as you caught your breath, hands still in his hair but significantly looser. You let your head drop forward and your hands fall to his shoulders. You slowly opened your eyes again and lifted your head to look at Jimin. He was panting, his head tilted back against the wall and his eyes shut tight. His neck was exposed and somehow when your kiss had lasted just minutes maybe he was sweating. You realized you were too. Jimin looked up at you and you stared back at him. His hands clenched and unclenched in the fabric of Jin's shirt. If you weren't so shell-shocked the feeling might have even been ticklish.
You didn't know what to do and Jimin didn't seem to know either. You eyes flickered back to his lips. You wanted to kiss him again. You met his eyes again and when you did your heart jolted in your chest. His eyes weren't on yours. But they were on your lips. Without a single sound Jimin leaned in again and took your lips. The kiss was soft. It was still passionate but it was much slower. Like this you could taste the flavor of the mint gum he liked to chew. Like this you could appreciate how soft his lips were. Like this it felt you were floating on ecstasy. His hands were all over you this time. They rubbed up and down your thighs and over your hips and up to your waist. You kissed like that for a much longer time than the first kiss. When you finally fully broke away from the kiss. You dropped boneless onto his chest in a lazy form of a cuddle.
Your fluttered shut but you could feel Jimin's gaze on you. You shifted on his lap getting more comfortable and curling into his arms.
"My ass hurts." Your eyes shot open.
"Really?! That's all you have to say after all that?"
Jimin laughed at your disbelieving face before he pinched your pouty cheeks and said, "Cute!"
You batted his hand away but you were giggling too.
Who would've thought this is how your day would end. At the beginning of day your little raft wasn't doing too well. Through out the day the storm shook at and even threw you off. You were just grateful Jimin was the one at the other end of your rope. He never failed to pull you out of the water and back to safety.