I lifted my head. I felt like I was gagging as blood pooled out of my mouth. I pressed my hand to my torso.
"Iris" I felt hands on me. I shook my head trying to clear my vision. Ares was crying. It was the saddest sound that I had ever heard. I couldn't remember ever having heard him cry like that.
I closed my eyes as Byron came into my view.
I opened my eyes to find Ezra and Thomas next to me. They were each grasping a hand. I lifted my head.
"I'm fine" I groaned. My torso was aching from the wound. "That was awful" I groaned. "I am seriously starting to hate sharp objects."
Within the next few days, I was awake but I wasn't allowed to move around.
I finally left the infirmary. I was glad to get out of there. The wounds were healed. I had the scars from the blade on my biceps. The wound on my torso had healed perfectly but the other wounds hadn't. We would go home in two weeks and it was a vacation that I was looking forward to.
I just wanted to get away from the school. I wanted to take some time off before we had to get back.
The fourth quarter Ranks had been cancelled because Michael had been murdered and I had been tortured.
I was doing my best to get through it. There were days that were better than others. My fears were worse at night. I couldn't sleep. I was having nightmares and I was doing my best so that the boys wouldn't notice.
"Are you okay?" Ezra asked me. I gave him a dirty look. I didn't want them to keep an eye on me constantly.
"Fine" I answered briskly. "When are we going home?" I asked.
"Soon" Ezra touched my hand briefly. "As soon as grades are posted, we get to go. Just hang in there"
I nodded in response. the last couple of weeks I had pushed myself into my studies. I had made myself stay on top of my work. I had two weeks until finals. I would finish up with a bang. I had to since the final Rank had been cancelled.
"Hi" Byron smiled at me.
I was seated outside trying to enjoy the sunlight. I had taken off my jacket. I immediately tried to put it on. I had the ugly scars on my arms, which would never go away. I had tried all kinds of salve but nothing had worked.
Byron sat down next to me.
"Don't hide them" Byron told me. I turned away from me. He put his hand on my back and I stiffened. He quickly lifted his hand, removing it.
"How are you holding up?" he cleared his throat.
"I'm fine" I answered. "Just trying to get through finals" I lifted up the notebook in my hand. I avoided looking at him. He had seen me at the infirmary but I hadn't talked to him very much.
"Iris"
"There is nothing to talk about Byron" I answered. I took a deep breath. "I'm okay. Don't worry about me, you don't have to anymore" I shrugged. I felt his hand on my arm and I pushed it away. "Don't touch me there" I hissed. Tears came to my eyes but I blinked them away.
"Iris" Byron replied calmly. "Just talk to me"
"No" I met his eyes. "I can't" my voice was low. "I can't- I could barely talk to Ezra and Thomas. You don't- you wouldn't understand. They they barely did. I know- I heard it in their heads- I heard their thoughts" I took a deep breath. "I have to go"
"Get into my head, iris" Byron blocked my view. "You know I mean it. I won't judge you- god, I can't judge you. I don't know what you went through for weeks. I wasn't there- let me help you. Let me help you get through whatever you need to" he took my hand. "Please"
"How can you help me?"
Byron kneeled so he could be eye-level to me.
"I saw someone get killed in front of me. He bled out next to me- I was tortured, my skin was sliced open" I exposed my arm to him. "I have marks on my side of my ribs were objects were thrusted into me to find out who were the Guardians?" I shook my head. "That almost got me killed, you don't know how badly I wanted to say who they were- to say that I was it. To show them what I could do without exposing myself. I couldn't- I would have gotten Ezra and Thomas murdered. I couldn't do that" I spluttered. "Tell me how you are going to help me? Tell me what you are going to do so I don't have nightmares every damn night? So I can finally sleep-" I was crying hysterically. I was almost yelling at him. "So I can go back to worrying about being a Guardian in training, Byron. Because whatever can help me forget, I want it. I wish you could help me- god Byron. I wished you could be the one to make me forget but I can't- I can't have Ezra and Thomas put a hand on me without me wanting to burn their hands off. I wish I could forget but I can't-" my chest was falling up and down. "Tell me what you will do to help me?" I was now pleading. I grasped his shirt. "Tell me, please?"
He lifted his hands but he dropped them.
"I can't fix what happened to you no matter how much I want to. I wish that I had gone to look for you that I had walked you back to the hotel. I feel so guilty and responsible" Byron grasped my hand. I pushed him away from me.
"Don't get near me" I threatened him. A flame had appeared from my hand. "I don't want anybody touching me" I sobbed hysterically. I fell to the ground, clutching my head.
"Iris" he grasped me by my shoulders. "Please?"
"I don't want to talk to you about it, Byron" I lifted my head. "My mind won't let me move on from it, please" he released me with a nod. "Just leave me alone. Okay. That's what I want right now"
He leaned forward and kissed my cheek.
"When you are ready to talk, I will always be here for you"
I stiffened. I couldn't help turning away from him. It hurt that I didn't' want him touching me. I wanted to have his arms around me but when someone touched me. I felt like I wanted to burn them. I was afraid of being disarmed and feeling so impotent.
I put on my jacket slowly and made my way slowly back inside. Eyes were on me as I walked. They knew what had happened. I was glad they weren't talking to me. I didn't want to have a breakdown in front of someone.
I lifted my head and turned to the clear sky. It would be okay. I had three months of calm to look forward to. I would find some peace. Ezra and Thomas would help me with it.
My heart stopped as I saw them walking hand in hand. Byron and Shelby. The snow was melting and it wasn't as chilly. I had taken off my coat trying to soak up as much sun as I could. It made me feel better.
"Iris" she called me. I cringed, immediately putting my jacket back on. I gathered my things pretending to not hear or see them.
"Iris" she was right behind me. I put a fake smile on my face and I turned to them.
"Oh hey guys, I have to get going. I have lots to do" I fumbled with my things.
"I just wanted to tell you that we are having a party after finals. You should come- bring Ezra and Thomas. We finally got approval to throw a end of the year party especially for those that Rank first." She helped me pick up some books. I could feel Byron's gaze on me. "Byron tells me that you are going great and you are a shoe in for Ranking first."
"Let's hope so" I tried to smile but my face was stuck. I hadn't smiled in weeks. "I'm sorry guys- but I have lots to do- lots of studying."
"Try to attend the party- it will be fun" she smiled sadly at me. I didn't need her pity. I already pitied myself.
"Oh I don't think I will be able to make it. I'm leaving after my Rank- my grandmother is giving Ezra, Thomas and I a trip well as long as we Rank first." I cleared my throat. I lifted my eyes at Byron. He was solemnly staring down at me. "Thank you for the invite though"
I hurried to my room. I tried to keep my emotions from showing. I took in small shaky breaths trying to keep myself from crying.
As soon as I was in my room, I had a panic attack. I curled in my bed unable to move. I could feel the sharp edge of the blade on my arm. I felt like if something heavy was on my chest. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Part of me knew that it wasn't real but I couldn't get my mind out of it.
Ezra and Thomas found me on my bed. I was crying into my pillow.
"Leave me alone" I sobbed into my pillow. Someone put a hand on my back and I covered my head. I felt the sharp edges. I pressed my hands to the bed unable to start a flame.
"I can't" I sobbed hysterically.
"It is just a panic attack, it isn't real. It isn't real"
I felt a hand.
"It isn't real. Look at me Iris"
I lifted my head to find Byron standing over me. He took seat next to me. He lifted my hand from the bed.
"You are here with me. Nowhere else. Make a flame"
"I can't. I'm disarmed" I protested. I tried to withdraw my hand. I didn't want anybody touching me.
"Make a flame, nobody has disarmed you" his eyes were gentle. He was staring down at me with kind and sweet eyes. My fingers flexed.
"Its okay" he continued. He gave me my favorite wide smile. It was the smile that he gave me when he was proud of me. My fingers started to heat up.
"It isn't real, whatever is in your head isn't real. I'm real Iris" he pressed my hand against his chest. I could feel his heart beating. I withdrew my hand. There was a burnt mark of my hand on his shirt.
"I'm real Iris. You are no longer in that place, nobody is going to hurt you. I'm right here"
He stayed with me until I fell asleep.
The next day, I found them sleeping. Ezra was curled up next to me. Thomas was stretched out at the foot of the bed. To my surprise Byron had stayed as well. He was fast asleep on the armchair next to my bed. There were a stack of papers on his lap. He had fallen asleep grading.
Before I knew it, it was time for the last set of finals. Only three Ranks for Swords would be counted since the last one had been cancelled. Academically, I had done okay the first three quarters.
I impatiently waited for the Ranks to come up. I chewed on my thumb.
"What if I don't Rank?" I turned to the boys. I looked up at the clock. Two minutes. I didn't want something else to worry about over summer break. I wanted three calm months.
"Shut up" they both told me. We were both pacing around the hall. There were other students walking around too.
I needed to Rank. I wasn't sure what would happen, if I didn't. I had gotten out of probation but I would probably end up in it again.
The boards started to flash. Academics appeared first.
"Yeahhhh" Thomas yelled loudly, he had placed number one. I had placed third and Ezra had placed fourth. This last quarter had really helped me get in a top spot. All I had done was study. It had helped get my mind off things. We had placed in the top ten.
I sighed with relief.
Bows and Arrows appeared next.
"Holy shit" Thomas hugged both of us. He had placed first. I hugged him tightly. He kissed my head. We turned to the board again.
Sharps was next. Of course, Ezra had placed first. He sighed with relief which surprised me. He hadn't shown any kind of nervousness.
I closed my eyes knowing what was next.
"Where did I place?" I turned my back. I didn't want to see. "Top ten at least"
"Yeahhh" Ezra and Thomas both said slowly.
"What..?" I looked at the bottom of the board, not liking their tone. I held my breath as I made my way up. "Oh my god" I gasped loudly. I had placed first. I sighed with relief. I wouldn't be on probation.
Ezra picked me up and swung me around. I stiffened as I felt his arms around my shoulders. He immediately put me down.
I glanced at the boards one last time.
I saw Byron make his way to get his scores for the Second Series students. He searched the boards and he smiled at me.
"I placed first, thank you" I nodded at him. He lifted his hand but he dropped it.
"I hope next year you don't argue so much with me" He had a huge smile on his face.
"I'll try not to" I grasped my arm tightly. I could feel the sharp pain again. "It wasn't so bad" I glanced at the boards one last time. The results slowly disappeared. "Thank you Byron. I really do appreciate it" he put a hand on my shoulder and I stepped away from him. "Thank you for last night" I avoided looking at him.
"Not at all" he answered. The boards flashed again. The second Series Ranks were about to be posted. We waited to get their results.
Byron placed first in Academics and in Swords. It didn't surprise me.
"Congratulations" I tried to smile but I couldn't. I squeezed my arm tightly. I felt like it was starting to get difficult to breathe again. "It isn't a surprise though" I tried to keep my voice calm and steady.
"It never is" Byron's eyes glanced down at my arm. He lifted my fingers from my arm. I felt tears coming to my eyes. "Make a flame" he whispered. He lifted my palm up. He put his hand over mine. "Make a flame, it isn't real." I nodded.
"Thanks- I have to find the boys. Have a good summer" I withdrew my hand. I pressed my hand against my skin. I could feel my hand starting to warm up. I stepped around the corner trying to calm myself down. His suggestion worked. I could feel my hands warming up. My breathing evened out and I went to find the boys.
"I can't believe we are missing the end of year party." Ezra scoffed as we dragged our luggage. My grandmother was going to meet us in California. We were going to spend a long vacation on the west coast. I was looking forward to the bright sun.
"Who cares we are going to California courtesy of your grandma" Thomas nudged me. "I've never been there. I'm excited- three long relaxing months."
"Me too"
"Ready" I leaned on my toes.
"Let's go to it then" Ezra smiled.
I looked back at the castle. It had been my home for the last year. I never thought that I would survive my first year. I watched couples walk down the main stair-case. They were dressed up and heading for the party. I watched enviously as they smiled and laughed. I hadn't smiled in weeks. I had been miserable but that would change. I would enjoy my time off with Ezra and Thomas.
"Iris" Ezra called me.
"Coming" I answered. I grabbed my luggage and followed my two best friends. We would get through this no matter what. Our Guardian training would continue in a few short months.
"You know what I was thinking?" I told the boys. "We should get tattoos" I had an idea to cover up my scars. They both looked at each other and huge grins appeared.